Friday, September 30, 2005Spoonful of shite...
Channel 4 have another new comedy show starting on a Friday night. 'Spoons' is described as 'the brand new comedy sketch show from the producers of Channel 4's hit quiz 8 Out of 10 Cats' which made me shudder. So I watched it. And I was correct. It was shite with a side order of shite. It had Rob Rouse in it so I should have seen the signs. A collection of unfunny sketches performed by a group of actors with varying skills in the comic timing and delivery departments.
 The website describes it a tad differently, as 'The show follows the lives and loves of twenty and thirty-something urbanites as they flirt, argue and struggle to grow-up gracefully in bars, restaurants, parks, bedrooms, as well as the odd brothel. In this tangled web of fragile relationships and insecurity, we'll meet an colourful cast of spot-on characters.' Bullshit! More problems for Jay-Z...
Continuing from yesterday, here are some more of Jay-Z's '99 Problems' from warped minds:
From Ben: -Jay Z is a huge fan of the new Bucks Fizz album ("Back With The Girls Again"), saying the production is just incredible. He has written a song for Bobby G to sing ("Mind Up (Nigga Please)") but is too shy to ask him. - He managed to collect all but 3 of the Star Wars Tazos set back in 1997. He's been on ebay but he's doesnt see why he should spend £7.50 (in p&p) to get the whole book when all he wants is 3 of them. If anyone does have Yoda On Beach, Boba Fett Fighting A Crab or 'Luke Han 3 Up' then please do get in touch. - Hova dislikes Linkin Park but done that album with them so he could buy a 30ft gold model of the Chambourssy Hippopotamousse for his living room. No way he getting beaten by that bitch Missy Elliot and her 20ft gold Colin Curley. From Chris: - Jay-Z likes mice and vows to avenge "Every muthafuckin' rodent that's gotten killed by those head-rotatin' muthafuckers"Jay-Z is of course referring to owls. One of his most famous live tracks 'Head Swivel Fo' Shizzle' contains the line:"Those pellet omittin' fuckers are on borrowed time,Gonna shoot those muthafuckers with my favourite nineTwer-wit, ter-woo this, son of a bitchBirds of fucking pray makes my finger itch"Jay-Z has recently made a statement that kestrals are: "Okay. They're cool with me. I've seen Kes, man. Those birds are okay" -Jay-Z hates most old people. He's like to not get old and "all quivering and shit" He'd also not like to "Piss myself and take about how coins are gettin' smaller and how old shit is better than new shit" And the final word on this matter from me. I really cannot stop them coming! -Jay-Z is constantly getting confused people coming up to him and asking him the name of that road round the corner from the station. "I ain't no muthaflippin' A-Z!" he moans. -Jay-Z has a problem with Birds Eye Fish Fingers. "I thought them damn fishes had fins and not fucking fingers. Word!" -Jay-Z's biggest problem is that he can't sing so he has to shout silly rhyming couplets and wave him arms about like an air traffic controller on wacky backy while wearing too much muthaflunkin' jewellery. Blame Bridget!
'Bridget Jones Generation' is one of my most hated Lazy Journalism Terms. It is used by tabloids to describe all current signle women over the age of 25, and named after the popular chic lit character because before she was created by the author Helen Fielding all women were married off by that age. The Daily Mail (who else?) have used her to rearrange the words in another of their pieces about how marriage is the best and everything else is as bad as ITV's primetime schedules on any day of the week. Observe:
'The projections of a bleak future for many women in the Bridget Jones generation were published by the Office for National Statistics. They showed that the chances for women of living out their lives as singletons are rising fast thanks to the decline of marriage and the growing popularity of cohabitation. Unlike marriages, cohabitations tend to last for only short periods. The ONS analysis shows that one in five women approaching their 50th birthday in the early 2030s will have known only short-term informal relationships. It said that 20 per cent of women aged between 45 and 50 in 2031 will never have married and will have no partner. Another 11 per cent will have divorced and will have no new male partner. At present, only 7 per cent of women aged 45 to 50 are classed as unmarried and without partners. Overall, only 22 per cent now live on their own in their late forties. Among all women over 16, more than four out of ten will have no partner. A quarter will never have married, and nearly one in five will be divorced and have no new partner. Independent analysts said women themselves were to blame for the growth of loneliness among the middle aged. Jill Kirby of the Tory-leaning Centre for Policy Studies think tank said: "Many people will be lonely and unhappy because they have turned their backs on marriage. Women are increasingly the victims and they will continue to be so." She added: "Women are accepting other forms of relationship which, with the best will in the world, are not lasting. We know cohabitations do not last very long. This means there will be a generation of women who risk losing the companionship of family and the financial security marriage used to provide. The solution to this lies with women themselves. But a lot of the onus also lies with the Government, which has contributed heavily to this trend by removing support for marriage from the tax and benefit system." The tendency of people to forget marriage and live alone has been reinforced by Government policy, which says that marriage is a lifestyle choice no better than any other form of relationship. Married couples no longer get benefits in the tax system - while Gordon Brown's tax credit benefits have been shown to help mothers who live apart from their partners more than couples who stay together.'  Damn you, Bridget Jones! You have ruined the lives of a whole generation of women who will end up lonely, old and miserable with no financial security as they do not have a ring on their finger! You are destroying the moral fabric of this once great nation! And what about lesbians? Thursday, September 29, 2005Chris' Jaz-Z Problem Challenge Game!
Christopher Bate is warped in a way that I enjoy, as are the many people who comment in the commenty bit on his blog (myself included). The current 'hot subject' there is to find out what exactly are all of Jay-Z's '99 Problems' but remember, a bitch ain't one! For those of you over the age of giving a damn about yoof culture, he is a rapper. A rapper is a man or a woman who cannot sing so they talk in a shouty way, usually in rhymes, over some old music stoelen from old crackly records. Or sumfink.
Quotey bits time... From Chris: -Mr Z has always wanted to juggle. He can whistle but he feels that's pointless. His lack of juggling prowess is due to a lack of co-ordination due to waving his hands up and down a lot in videos. -According to sources, Jay-Z would like to go back in time to the dinosaur age and fight a T-Rex. All of his projects have so far proven fruitless. This maybe because his 'time machines' have been cereal boxes with clocks taped to them. -Jay-Z has a big problem with people that don't take their shoes/sneakers off in his hiz-ouse. -And, by crikey, does he hate Kinder Eggs. He doesn't see the point. In a recent issue of The Source he said: "Muthafuckin' Kinders, man. I don't get that shit. The free toy is fuggin' useless, you have to put the motherfucker together and then the bitch falls apart when you play with it. What's up wit' that shit, man? They ought to make like a Kinder Egg with a ring in it. Something solid and expensive. I may even make my own fuckin' versions, teach those kinder mo'fuckers a lesson or seven (Thinks) Roccafella Bling Eggs! Wouldn't that be some motherfuckin' shit?"Roccafella Bling Eggs are available from Barneys and most hip-hop shops. From Ben: - Once Warren G walked dog shit into his favourite persian rug and he's still not been able to find a really successful non-chemical cleanser to clear it. - Once he booked tickets to see the Billy Pearce Laughter Show on Blackpool South Pier but then when he went he found his tickets were for thursday and it was only wednesday. (He still went Thursday). - He still cant get Channel 5 on his terrestrial reciever due to living in the valley. "Ah be wanting to watch motherfuckin' Columbo and shit", said he in Smash Hits. - Terrible crabs. - He thinks More 4 sounds like a stupid idea "why cant Channel 4 just show better programmes?", he added. - He tells everyone he likes rap but secretly he thinks it is really rubbish. -His true ambition is to walk on a moomin but he knows this will never ever be. He stomped on a Fraggle once but it really wasnt the same. Any more for any more? Please post them on his blog comments.  My ideas? Not as funny! But here they are: -I thought the '99 Problems' were all the same just repeated as he has a Saturday job as an ice cream man and all the Flakes have gone a bit stale. -He is covering for Dear Deirdre while she goes on a package holiday with Denise from 'This Morning' and he has to find a way to construct two weeks of problem pages without using the B word that ladies don't like being called. Mental in a great way...
Popjustice has photos of the new Goldfrapp video for 'Number One' and it has human dogs in it!
 No caption needed! FWD: Monkey Sex Video...
The American remake of The Office is still going and is still great. Season 2 Episode 2 features an HR ban on email forwards causing problems for Michael's desire to spread the monkeysex video to everyone with email, the introduction of Todd Packer (the American Finchy) and the training video about sexual harrassment called 'Crossing The Line' colliding with the appearance of a blow up doll and a visit from Pam's mother. I assume BBCThree are going to show this like before. I dunno. Here's a picture anyway...
 My day wasn't quite as excrutiating as that show. For once. It seems to be permanently dark at the moment but then I am indoors with no windows at work during daylight hours. I had a Ferero Rocher "spoiling us" moment which was nice but was too tired to attempt a pyramid arrangement of said chocolate treats. The ambassador didn't mind though... Another night in, home alone. Listening to the new Warchild 'Help' CD with all the best bands doing exclusive songs for charideee... I glimpsed Smoking Pregnant Girl who seems to have appeared from nowhere to become another of our next door neighbours in what must be a dimensionally transcendental house... It rained a bit again and I watched some more new comedy. As you do. That is all, goodnight. Wednesday, September 28, 2005Desperate Housewives Return!
That popular show about the women is back. In America and the wonderful world of Bit Torrents. It's just like before: Mary Alice is still narrating from beyond the grave, that weird-looking gardener with the man boobs is still about ten years older than his character and Bree is still potty. It's all very good and there are some new mysteries and shit... Back on Channel 4 in January.
 "I have some news. Rex died..." Bree sits at home watching the clock until 9AM when she can plan telling all her friends that she is now a widow. Little rip-off!
Love Little Britain of course. But... the fantastic radio show has been released twice already. First time it was both series on a double CD 'Best Of' jobby. Second time was as two lovely 'complete series' two disc versions with an extra bonus disc of deleted sketches and outtakes for each series. Now you would imagine this was enough to just about stop the BBC look like money-grabbers who fleece the fans? Well...
 Now we have the new 'Little Britain On The Radio' boxset tin thingy. With another CD full of more extra bits AND a 2 hour DVD with exclusive 'making of' material and bits from Matt Lucas' 'personal archive.' Sounds wonderful but I already own 2 versions of the radio show. Grrr! But if anyone wants to buy it for me for Christmas... Chav Scum Dole Scum Scum Scum
Vile lazy fat arsed chavscum Lizzie Bardsley appeared in the first episode of 'Wifeswap' a few years ago where she swapped places with a wife who worked, dressed well, could construct a sentence, didn't sponge off the state for the eight children she couldn't afford and was not a minger. And so the format of opposites swapping lives was created. Now this infamous dolescum has been done for receiving benefits while 'working' in her 'media career.' This career consists of being a rent-a-gobshite chav witch but she was paid almost £3,800 for this. Whoops! She forgot to stop claiming some benefits while earning that money... £37,500 of benefits a year! I could live quite happily on that much for doing naff all.
The payback amount? £4,879 of overpaid benefits and £2,500 court costs. That'll stop little Jade, Rubella and LaRochelle getting their designer labels for a while...  Some of the money in question was earnt by doing a topless photo shoot for a newspaper. Eek! Tuesday, September 27, 2005Love Soup: Tasty!
I am getting old. BBC1's new comedy drama Love Soup is about two thirty-something single people who are perfect for each other but don't meet. They go through a string of inappropriate relationships and situations instead. It's all very romantic though, as well as being quite darkly humourous in places. Designed for dull soppy types, I enjoyed it immensely so does that make me dull, old or just soppy? I don't know but I shall be back for seconds next week at 9 on BBC1.
 Dame Tamsin Greig stars in it with a man who is resonably attractive despite being American. World's Worst Idea. Ever!
The Sun reports that plastic pop price Michael Jackson is thinking of returning to music with a new image...
FALLEN superstar Michael Jackson plans a comeback as a girl-chasing rapper in a bid to reinvent himself after his child-sex trial. The troubled former King of Pop is beefing up with weights to portray himself as a womanising hip-hop star with a new harder sound. Music biographer Michael Luckman said: “Soon you will see him surrounded by beautiful women.” The 47-year-old singer — cleared of being a kiddie sex pervert in June — is planning a charity single to help victims of Hurricane Katrina. Is it April 1st already?  A womanising hip-hop star with a new harder sound. Yesterday. The sound of silence!
I have a week of quiet at home as MyPartnerJamie is away. Boo hiss boo. Does anyone want to be my MSN pal? No kinky stuff, I'm afraid. Well, unless you pay me with choclit. I have an encyclopedic knowledge of comedy and comics if that helps. Ah go on... danproject76@hotmail.com
Pension Crisis Crisis!
There is a pension crisis and people who had invested in work pensions for companies who later went bankrupt have lost money. This is terrible. But there is no need for these people to get naked to protest about it. Some of us may be trying to eat!
 Look and learn, kids. You're never too young to set up a pension fund. The invisible boy?
According to rumour sites, Brooklyn Beckham has become invisible. JustJared.com has posted a story about how Mister David instructed junior's headmaster that his son's face should be blurred out of all the school photographs except for their own copy. The Bridge-named one has had his face 'replaced by a grey blob' but so they also come with a peelable photographic advice label? If this is true then the world has got just that little bit madder. Again!
 Poor kid. Stupid parents gave him a stupid name and his mum has stupid spindly body due to being 'naturally thin.' Stupid dad has been involved in a string of adulterous affairs which never happened. Allegedly. Still, they got pots of money coming out of their ears. Oh yes, Prime Minister!
BBC News Online reports that Cherie Blair likes Little Britain and that " the cult BBC One comedy is a firm favourite with her family. Touring fringe stalls at Labour's annual conference on Monday, the prime minister's wife said the show was required viewing in the Blair household." What-Evah!
 So so down wiv da kidz. Monday, September 26, 2005Racist Tory: Whatever next?
That awful Tory MP Anne Winterton (you know? The one who was sacked for the racist joke about the dead Chinese cockle-pickers) has put her dainty ladies' feet in her mouth again. It makes me laugh as she is only expressing the views of a huge section of society (Daily Mail readers) and sees nothing wrong with this but everyone else finds it repellant and she gets into trouble. Hurrah for political correctness gone mad. And hurrah for not finding racism to be a good thing. What did she say? Well, in an article about the victims of the London suicide bombings she said "We live in times of tremendous change but the United Kingdom is still, thankfully, a predominantly white, Christian country." Whoops. What a load of crap. I don't thank anyone for having a predominantly white Christian country to live in as I would imagine this to be a very dull 1950s kind of existence. But then I am not a Tory MP. She went on to say "Some might say we are now simply paying the price for the so-called 'benefits' of the multi-cultural society we keep hearing about, the product of almost uncontrolled immigration and the abuse of asylum." Who might say this? Insensitive stupid people? Bigots? Quite!
 "Eh eh ehhhh" "No, Anne. Don't use that computer to write racist articles, please" "Eh eh ehhhhhhh" "Anne! Don't press 'send' and email an article of bigotry to a local paper!" "Eh eh eh h h" "Now look what you've done, Anne." Desperate housewife returns!
She hasn't been away, apart from visiting the plah-stic surgeon and checking her offspring in and out of rehab but heeeeere's Sharon! Vile faux-Asda Mum Mrs Osbourne, she of the shrill voice, tight face and old hands. She of the need to be famous and constantly in the spotlight without any discernable talent or skills to call her own. She who exploits her family's misery (mostly self-inflicted at that) at every opportunity to get press coverage. She who is on the front page of a certain low-brow tabloid rag today with a heart-rending tale of woe...
 Now if I had an eating disorder would I happily splash it over the frontpages? No. But then I don't have a book out in a few weeks all about myself and all my tragedies, do I? Next week: Exclusive photos of Sharon's vag! Her speculum exclusive! Drugs Are Still Bad, M'Kay?
Inspired maybe by the shocking news that famous people, especially models, take shedloads of drugs and sometimes the odd one gets caught, the American Moral Majority have made Weezer rename their fantastic song 'We Are All On Drugs.' It is now 'We Are All In Love' and therefore the context has gone. If you know the song, you'll know what I mean... The video is great as usual for Weezer and has bonus points for having all the characters specifically miming the old title when the re-edited one appears. Was it too expensive to change the video or are the band having a laugh? Whatever. It's bound to annoy certain types, which is always fun. Go watch it here!
 Is the song about Kate and Pete? ITV wake up!
ITV have heeded my wake up call and had some good comedy ideas:
The team who adapted Jonathan Coe's novel 'What A Carve-Up' are doing in on ITV... ITV are working with Pozzitive Productions on a sitcom starring Robert Webb, Sarah Alexander and Frances De La Tour... They are also working with Chris Langham on a new improvisey thing... But: They are in talks with comedy demon Fred Barron for a new sitcom which will be pisspoor judging on his previous output... What would John Noakes say?
Blue Peter... A nice old fashioned kids' TV show with pets, charity appeals and pointless holidays? Not any more! Today one of the presenters didn't go bungee jumping, run a marathon or even jump out of a plane. Oh no. He had his chest waxed live on the show. Does this mean a whole generation of children will be replacing the birthday present of a rubbish thing made from an empty Fairy Liquid bottle, a a used toilet roll and some sticky back plastic with an amateur waxing session. Yikes! You would never have caught John Noakes doing that! Peter Duncan, maybe...
 Eek! Not in front of the children! Sunday, September 25, 2005Comedy: They'll watch any old shit (for a while)
Shitty spinoff of terribly unfunny older comedy that was kept on air for about twenty years too long because it got the ratings in 'The Green Green Grass' was doing so well... but it keeps shedding viewers. Week one: 9.31 million, Week two: 6.12 million, Week three: 5.59 million... Still not bad but just goes to show that lazy unfunny ideas can only draw in a certain number of viewers who want unchallenging programming for so long. I tried to watch some of it so that I could form my own opinion but I only lasted a few minutes as it consisted of some badly acted 'comedy cockneys' (all cartoon expressions and odd diction) in an hilarious setting of the countryside involving a cow and the regulation strange countryfolk old man character straight from The Wurzels. Dreadfully shit. Wake up, BBC One! While moronic TV reviewers like Garry Bushell love this kind of shit it is worth remembering that he is a stupid neaderthal tit with views to the right of Norman Tebbitt and a very unpleasant beard. Plese stop it!
 Look! A combine harvester! Whoops. My sides have split. Oh bugger. Saturday, September 24, 2005A rolling Moss gathers no sympathy...
Can it get any worse for our favourite crackwhore tantrumy stickinsect woman who gets paid obscene amounts of cash to walk up and down narrow spaces in ridiculous clothes? One tabloid newspaper alleged today that she was spotted doing that drug you give your lovely horse if it needs an immediate snooze (Ketamine) as well as the previously mentioned crack and cocaine. Wasn't there ecstacy too? So by Monday we shall undoubtably be able to add heroin to the list ...
Newsflash! It has got worse. The Scientology (calm down Maureen Lipman, it's not a real 'ology') people who are in no way cranks, spooky Hollywood cultists or even cuntists, have offered their help to La Mosse. They have a drug rehabilitation programme. Run, Kate, run! My name is Ronette McDonald and I am a lady!
In Japan, someone in advertising had the clever idea of rebranding the McDonalds chain to appeal to lapsed female and adult customers. They have done this by updating the scary clown into a somewhat foxy lady...
  The Guardian Website has the full story... New Good American Comedy!
'Arrested Development' returned for a third season this week in America and it is still completely and utterly brilliantly scripted, plotted and acted. Nothing goes to waste on that show and even throwaway gags return as bigger ones. Episode one had Lucille finally coming off her post-natal depression medication after over thirty years, George senior infiltrating the Blue Men group and the return of one-joke character Steve Holt in a bigger newer joke. Fantastic!
 If 'Arrested' was a genre then it has a new genremate. 'My Name Is Earl' is from NBC, a mainstream American network who usually keep to the safe (i.e.unfunny and unchallenging) stuff. It has a voiceover, pauses the action, no laughter track and a great ensemble cast (including Jason Lee from Kevin Smith's movies, a fat stupid man from Kevin Smith movies and that creepy guy with the funny teeth from the film 'Kids') just like a certain other show but as it is about a white trash man who wins the lottery and decides to sort out his karma by doing good deeds to those he has wronged, it is a very different creature. It is not all that laugh out loud funny but it will grow into a very steady comedy if it's allowed to do so. Damn, I have so many things to watch, such as that other NBC comedy 'The Office' which has returned for a second season this week. Busy busy busy!  Sick of Ricky Gervais so loving the American version now... *Update* Channel 4 have bought 'My Name Is Earl' so hurrah! It did well in the ratings in America earlier this week where it got more than 15 million viewers, winning its timeslot. So it won't be getting axed... for now. Friday, September 23, 2005A right coffee kerfuffle...
I feel old. I forgot what a Macchiato was when trying a new coffee rather than my usual Mocha today. It turned out to be one of those super-condensed thimble-sized helpings, therefore guaranteed to make even the most calm person completely mental and twitchy. I don't think I have multi-tasked so many things at once ever before! It was , I would imagine, like being off my tits on speed. Startling!
 The crack cocaine of caffeinated beverages. Drop the pilot: Dropped already!
Ropey 'wacky' Ally McBealesque (not a good thing) Comedy/drama/thing 'Headcases' has been axed by Fox Network after just two episodes aired 'due to lack of interest'. I watched half the first one and wondered how it ever got made. More washed-up 90s film actors on the small screen including Chris O'Donnel (Robin in Batman And Robin, Scent Of A Woman) and a man played two very different lawyers who ended up together by some unfunny wacky circumstances and schmaltz. The acting was cheesy, the script dreadful and the plot just shit. At least for once some TV grand fromages agree with me. It shall never be seen on UK TV! Yay!
 Headcases. The creators of this pointless show certainly were. Chavwatch: Christmas List!
What every chav wants for Christmas...
 Their very own Wayne Rooney doll! On sale next month at around £20. For fuck's sake! Chavwatch: Pondlife On The Street.
Chavwatch: Live rubbish argument involving small fat hoodie boy on the ground and unseen council pikey on second floor of councilblock. Highlights:
"Faaaaack off ya fakking cowardly yellow c*nts." Repeat approx 10 times. They are not Chinese, just cowardly. They do not understand the reference at all. "Ya fat bastard..." "I ssen your mum, you little bastard." "I ain't a bastard! Why ya bring my parents into it?!" Repeat approx 15 times. "I ain't a bastard! I ain't got no dad!" "Well, then you are a bastard!" "No I ain't! I ain't got a dad!" Repeat until both parties forget that they don't understand the meaning of basic swearwords, fat hoodie boys hoodie friends (average age 12, all smoking fags and wearing hats return. One hoodie throws a beercan (empty) up at the balcony byt he throws like a girl and it does not have the desired effect. Chavettes (always 1 chavette to every 3 male chavs) tell them to "Leave it" inbetween drags on fags, therefor destroying more of the tiny brains of their inevitable unborn children (well they are thirteen years old!). I get bored , close my window and stop laughing. Welcome to my world. Hope you enjoyed your stay.  Not actual local chavs but an approximation via ChavScum.co.uk Lost the plot?
'Lost' is back, although for most of you it never even went away. I have been watching it on Channel 4 (the early days where not a lot happens but trust me, it gets pacier) but I have always been seeing it in the timeframe the Americans were too and yesterday was the premiere of season two. Without revealing too much so as not to spoil anything, I think the twists in the plot they are experimenting with are what it needs to continue or else it would go as stale and rotten as a cold Pizza Hut pizza. The flashbacks are getting convoluted now and they are using the old 'it's set in the past so everyone must have a wig with longer-than-current hair' idea, and the episode in question began with a 1970s futuristic room with a record player (remember them?) playing Mama Cass, which is never a bad thing (Make Your Own Kind Of Music MP3 here for a limited time). The extras were used to beef up the crowd scenes on the island for once, and Shannon had got over that pointless plot device of an asthma attack as it lasted precisely one episode and was never mantioned again. Can't avoid a bit of scmaltz with American telly, damn them!
 Next week on Lost: The mystery of Shannon, a giant chair and some retro wallpaper. Zzzz... A little bit off there...
I have given in to the pressure and am re-discovering the joys of Nip/Tuck. And no I don't mean that I have a botox budget equal to that of Kylie Minogue and I have no desire to resemble a Chinese cat like 90s comedian Maria McErlane (Fast Show, Eurotrash, all those talking heads bit for Channel 4 and Five clip countdown things). I mean the odd plastic surgeryish drama with a twist of black humour. The one that Channel 4 haven't bought the new series of because noone watches it due to the timeslot being something only insomniacs could have stayed up for. That one. It's all incredibly silly of course but the operations are nice and gruesome and make me wonder how anyone could seriously think having their nose broken with a hammer, mushed up a bit then reset is a good idea. Or slicing round your face, stetching it and sewing it back so tight that you look like you're having a difficult bowel movement. All the time. What fun.
 Some of the men in Nip/Tuck have these weird waxed eyebrow things that look like a disguise. It frightens me. The End Of The World Is... Why?
Is it a sign of a forthcoming apocalypse? When I went into the men's toilets at work we had been given a handy sanitary towel thingies bin. Are there secret pre-op transexuals at work or just hermaphrodites?
Thursday, September 22, 2005With fingers crossed behind her back...
... Kate Moss has apologised!
"I take full responsibility for my actions. I also accept that there are various personal issues that I need to address and have started taking the difficult, yet necessary, steps to resolve them. I want to apologise to all of the people I have let down because of my behaviour which has reflected badly on my family, friends, co-workers, business associates and others." Next she'll be pretending to go into rehab then selling her 'tragic tale' to OK Magazine. Sheesh!  The attractive model Kate Moss doing her best grin. Quickie: Free MP3 Hurrah Hooray!
Mmm... That bloody marvellous song 'LA Breeze' by Simian is free to download at that fantastic Fluxbog MP3 Blog.
 Wednesday, September 21, 2005Willow vs Xander in new comedy standoff!
Those Buffy people have all got new shows and two of them clash in the American schedules. Oh how controversial! Alyson Hannigan aka Willow is in 'How I Met Your Mother' with that man who was Doogie Howser and the man who was Nick in Freaks And Geeks. It's dreadful. It's not a 'you don't say' genre (see previous posts) which is the worst brand of comedy but it's one of those wisecracky ones with hip cool folks who go to bars and coffee houses too much. I shall name this genre 'unwise crack.' I lasted 10 minutes but had to turn it off as it upset me to see good actors (and Doogie Howser) with bad material.
Meanwhile in non-laughter track and better ideas world, Nick Brendon who was Xander in Buffy is in 'Kitchen Confidential' with the man who was Will in Alias and the man who was the boy who was Sam in Freaks And Geeks. Sam is not about 20 which is just wrong. (The woman who played his sister Lindsey is still in ER but that is not relevant here). I laughed a bit at this one but it's more of a 'heh' than a 'guffaw' kind of show. Based on the book by Anthony Bourdain (adapted for TV by Darren Star who did Sex And The City) , the man from Alias plays Anthony Bourdain, a chef who gets a second chance at running a kitchen. Hilarities include a severed finger in a dish, some vomitting and a misunderstanding of the sexual kind. Sounds lame but actually quite good. And no laughter track! Will tune in again in a downloading bit torrenty way.  It's in a kitchen but not all that confidential really. Mind that Cliff!
The Daily Mail has reported that Sir Clifford of Richard is not quitting! I didn't know that he had planned to stop recording original material but then frankly I don't give a damn. I would have thought that the Bacelor Boy was content to spend his twilight years in his country mansion with his male 'friend' watching his old films with buses in them and sticking pins in an effigy of Hank Marvin. The fragrant Mail claimed a victory:
'When Cliff Richard announced he was giving up recording new material, the Mail online was flooded with messages from our readers urging him not to give up. In a dramatic U-turn, Cliff has revealed he's back recording again after we contacted his management company with your messages of support. The 64-year-old singer upset fans yesterday by saying he was so disheartened when radio stations rejected his music, he planned to boycott the recording studios. Before shock even had the chance to set in, Mail online readers had launched into action with a passionate campaign to save the singer. We contacted his agent, armed with your messages of support, to find out if Cliff would consider a change of heart.' Well, old people have nothing better to do now that Countdown is currently off the air. I love their beefing up the story to emphasise the 'shock' and 'flood' of messages. How fucking deluded!  Hands up who needs their bag changing. Hmmm... at the bottom of the Mail article there is this: 'Cliff's management company was quick to thank you for all of your support - and dispell any rumours. "Cliff asks me to apologise for any misunderstanding," his spokesman Bill Latham told us. "Cliff is not ending his recording career. In fact, he in recording studios today," he enthused.' So it wasn't even true and all just a publicity scam? How very dare they! Tuesday, September 20, 2005How VERY Dare You!
Copyscape is my friend. It is a website where you can find out who has been nicking your work by entering a URL of one of your web pages and let it search for any other webpages that have a significantly similar series of words in it. So therefore they were so creatively bankrupt that their muse is the cut-n-paste function. I shall dedicate the next week to checking everything from my Little Britain site and emailing all thieves! Don't get me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. I sulk. It's been mostly chavs using my Vicky Pollard Page as their own so far. I shouldn't be surprised really. Bollocks.
 Yeah but no but use your tiny monkeybrains for once or has all that fake gold leaked green stuff into your skin and made you into some polyester-clad jingle jangle bling bling dolescum mong or sumfink? Fabulous fashions...
I need a caption for this picture. Maybe a Dame Edith Evans-style "A handbag?!?!"
 Oh dear Donatella. Leathery stretchy faced Dale Winton in drag only more orange! "H&M will cancel the planned advertising campaign with model Kate Moss. H&M is strongly against drugs and for many years has actively supported the drug preventing organisation Mentor Foundation. After having evaluated the situation, H&M has decided that a campaign with Kate Moss is inconsistent with H&M's clear dissociation of drugs." Fashionably cheap brand H&M have ditched Kate Moss from their campaign as they just found out that she's a major druggie. Where have they been for the last ten years or so? And what about the dodgy sex stories? The phrase 'crackwhore' was surely invented for her! ITV Wakes up!
I have moaned about ITV for years but they have made me happy today. They have bought some old good shows for new "channel for men" ITV4. Now I would not imagine an ITV channel for men would interest me in the slightest but it has been revealed that they will be showing old reruns of 'Homicide: Life On The Street' and 'The Larry Sanders Show.' I have forgiven them for all their mistakes now. ITV4 will be on cable and digital and satellite and shit from November 1.
 It's like the 90's all over again and I can't decide if that's a good thing or not...  ... I used to be a slightly unbalanced insomniac then but as these shows were always on at some stupid late hour it was quite handy. Monday, September 19, 2005Oompa Loompa Bumsex Magazine Deal!
Everyone wants to be a celebrity these days. Take AnthonyFromBigBrother who will do anything to remain in the public eye after winning that show. He has no discernable talents to keep him in the world of showbiz so all he can do is go out to parties, be photographed with equally desperate wannabe rough ladies with big boobies, get a bit drunk and get in the papers the next day. The other route is by the dreaded magazine deal. This modern concept in soul-selling is designed for people (ex-reality show 'stars' and failed girlband/boybanders) with little skill to give out details which no sane person would, such as 'My drink and drugs hell', 'Whoops I married a gay' , 'Why I abandoned my children coz a talking horse said the end of the world was nigh' or other such nonsense. I have noticed that proper famous people who are successful singers, actors or politicians do not feel the need to sell their wedding/newborn children/lovely new home/perfect new husband/divorce to celebrity magazines but AnthonyFromBigBrother has gone the easy route, and to get maximum bucks per bang he has moved in with his mate/rubbishgayhairdresser/stalker CraigFromBigBrother. The one who he bickered with when he wasn't being practically date-raped while drunk on telly. So, living with a crazy neurotic who wants to bum you to death is a great idea if you're a celebrity because it gives the press an angle. And overdoing the fake tan so that you resemble a slightly taller than usual Oompa Loompa (old skool version) is what celebs do so that is fine too.
 It's like an orange Morecambe and Wise! Sunday, September 18, 2005The wisdom of Andrew Collins: Part Twelvty...
Andrew Collins (he of the excellent blog, Radio Six Music shows, fantastic books, Guardian columns, Radio Times film editor job, Word Magazine columns and endless talking heads for clip shows) is a media omnipresence and my personal media nerd icon. This week's Collins Blog highlights are as follows:
"Sort of half-watched ITV's 50 Greatest Shows, a countdown, pointlessly presented like a showbiz extravaganza by Schofield and Deeley and apparently based on "your votes". (Nobody asked me for my vote.) I found it shall-we-say convenient that Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway came in at number two behind Coronation Street . That's handy for ITV, celebrating its past but not wishing to appear too backward-looking for its advertisers: its second most popular show is a current one and not Brideshead Revisited or World In Action." "Can I just concur with Richard Herring that the kiss-and-tell book about Charlotte Church by her first boyfriend Steven Johnson, which was filleted for a grubby, soft-porn "exclusive" in today's News of the World, should indeed be accurately retitled I Am A C--- . I note it didn't make the Man Booker shortlist." "The Mail ran with PETROL MISERY FOR MIDDLE CLASSES: PANIC NOW! today, or something similar, fanning the flames of public unease, as is their job. As a result, when we drove home from Kingston, queues had already formed at garage forecourts. What idiots we all are as a species. See a queue: join it. As it happens, we actually needed some petrol, but there was no way I was going to join a queue just because the Daily Mail told me to panic. Fortunately, we found an empty garage nearer to home and filled up. I predict a riot. It happened in 2000 and it's going to happen again. I think the media has a responsibility not to cause panic. You report panic-buying, panic-buying follows (it'll be bread next - remember the empty bread shelves in 2000?)."  Andrew Collins is so omnipotent that he has even done a Big Finish Doctor Who audio play to be released this month. The bugger. Here he is with The Doctor and Ace. The geek. I am like soooooo jealous! Hot and steamy with lashings of cream!
Worked all weekend: Ran around, thousands of enquiries and phonecalls, shouted at bad manic evil children, tidied things, did lots of boring financial reporting stuff, counted a squillion greetings cards in a stocktake, went blind from that, then had my sanity and energy restored by this...
 A Starbucks Toffee Latte with whipped cream! Total heaven in a caffeinated sugar rush drink. Better than any illegal drugs as a pick-me-up. Can you believe the woman serving me actually asked if I wanted the whipped cream on top? Like I was going to say no? Mad! Saturday, September 17, 2005Drop the pilot / embrace the pilot... part 39
More new American TV shows for me to review. A bad one is a sitcom called 'The War At Home' which is one of those "you don't say" sitcoms (see my previous postings on comedy) that has a lous intrusive randomly overexcitable laughter track, a cheapo 'sitcom family house' studio setting and a stream on endless predictable and dreadfully funny scenarios that contain no comedy whatsoever. Poor actor Michael Rappaport (films include True Romance, Zebrahead, Copland, Beautiful Girls) has the lead role of the father and must be squirming at how his career has gone form edgy 90s films to this groaningly awful safe crap. Whoops.
 Good new show is 'Bones' which is Fox (the network that loves to axe my favourite new shows)'s new forensic investigationy thing. Starring everybody's favourite vampire with a soul, Angel himself: David Boreanaz (with a new brown hair tint and a participation in daytime loutdoors shots at last) and the actress Emily Deschanel, with a load of other people in a little ensemble team thing. It's pacy, witty, has a good plot and the characters and cast have great chemistry. Therefore it will not last! I am not a big fan of these murder investigation shows but this one was great as it had the kind of dialogue and characterisation that I like. The female forensic investigator character (nicknamed 'Bones') spends more time with dead people than mingling with the living, admits she has poor interpersonal skills and doesn't get any pop culture references from the last ten years. As is the rule with these kind of things she has a tragic past. This may sound a tad corny but it plays with the genre a little, making it a fun viewing and I shall continue following its development. If it isn't scrapped! Finger on 'The Pulse' 'The Pulse' by Brian Michael Bendis is a work of art. It's the sequel to 'Alias' which isn't that TV show about the spy lady. It's about Jessica Jones, who was a nerdy high school student who gained fantastic powers in a freak accident. So far, so corny. But it's written like an HBO or Showtime Drama series where Jess goes through a hands-on kind of therapy with flashbacks to her short unsuccessful superhero career, the tragic circumstances which caused her to quit the hero biz, her virtual mindrape as a pawn of a man who controlled her mind and made her his slave, to her attempt at running a private investigations company, a string of disasterous dates mixed with some fantastic sex and her eventual bodyguard career, pregnancy, settling down and working for a certain newspaper as seen in 'Spider-Man.' This month's issue (with art by 'Alias' artist Michael Gaydos) consists mostly of Jess having lunch with some powered friends who have done the motherhood thing (which she is shitting herself about) and an investigation into a ridiculous-looking costumed vigilante who may or may not also be a jewel thief. It ends with a comedy scene where her waters break. It's available in collected graphic novels (as is the prequel 'Alias') so there's no excuse not to check it out.  Friday, September 16, 2005Drugs Are Bad, M'Kay? Just say no. Mail Readers in C*nts shocker!
I have suspected that many of the people who read The Daily Mail may be utter c*nts so was I excited when their website gave the readers a chance to air their views on the statue of artist Alison Lapper who happens to be disabled, naked and pregnant on the plinth in Trafaglgar Square? Yes, very! Let's see why this art offends them so much, shall we?
Naked? Not liked by Mail. Lady? Not liked by Mail. Single parent? Not liked by Mail. Artist? Not liked by Mail. Disabled? Not liked by Mail. Of course there were a few positive comments as the paper has to pretend to be balanced and fair, but this blog doesn't so I have picked out all the bad comments. Am I turning into an English Michael Moore? Maybe I am but I shall have to eat a lot more cake! Here are my pick of the pricks: I really do not like this at all, and I hope it will not be there for too long.- Harry, London, UK Do we really need a statue of a pregnant woman in Trafalgar Square? I would have thought a better setting would have been outside the Tate Modern. I can't help getting the feeling that this is more PC drivel being rammed down our throats.- James, Esher, UK This is so awful it defies description, what is going on in the UK?- Sharon, Spain The statue in my opinion degrades the subject and is typical of the tripe that is inflicted upon London by the outlandish Livingstone.- G.M.Tadman, Twickenham. UK Let’s say what should be said - it looks ridiculous. And why does it have to be a naked sculpture?The world has gone mad. I have nothing against Alison, but she has done nothing to deserve such notoriety. People will only start to take more disadvantaged people seriously, when idiots like Livingstone start treating them as normal and not as special cases. So she was born with abnormal features, so what? Alison should be on the plinth for something she has achieved, not to make these pathetic PC Liberals feel better in their beds at night. Ask yourselves the question, will it enhance equality or just ridicule a serious subject. Fools!- C Farley, Cheshunt, Herts, UK What has she actually done for this country to deserve to be honoured in this way above everyone else in Britain? She is a disabled artist at the end of the day, who is clearly enjoying all the attention. This should be in an art gallery for those who appreciate it. Its time the public had a say in what is our country. Ken is ruining London, with his constant PC attitude.- Ali , London, UK  So here is is: A disgustingly inappropriate political-correctness-gone-made waste of taxpayers' money ... I think it's great and Alison is bloody fantastic! But then I am not a narrow-minded bigoted slang word for a vagina, am I? Gutter Press Newsroundup...
I love the tabloids and the 'celebrity' magazines. I know they're shit but the spoof/reality line is so blurred these days that it all seems so bizarre. The 'fairytale wedding' of that titwitch Jordan and her action figure flopstar Peter Andre in a certain magazine 'exclusive' had me chuckling today, as the endless pages of photographs seemed a bit photoshoppy and full of their so-called close friends who just happened to also be D-List celebs. How shameful to sell what little dignity you had left for a tacky magazine deal, but that is what the showbiz life is like, along with sex and drugs scandals...
Kate Moss' habits have been no secret for may years now but this is the week that the tabloids catch up with the rest of the country in a series of shocking tales of the 'super'model's drug use with that testicle-faced pincushion muppet Pete Docherty. A millionaire supermodel who is dating a junkie has a drug habit? Well I never! No, I really never. Me and class A drugs would be way too freaky. And can social services now please take her poor daughter off her? If she was a single mother who didn't happen to wear shitty clothes for a load of dosh for a job that poor kid would have been in foster care a long time ago! Rubbish Big Brother winner (wins money for being himself, living in a house on telly and doing mostly fuck all for the Summer) Anthony From Big Brother has moved into a flat with his friend/ confidante/ single white femalesque stalker Craig From Big Brother in an attempt to remain in certain magazines. It'll all end in tears or maybe a fatal stabbing at worst. At best, Anthony will wake up one morning rather sore with no recollection of the last three days. Don't these people have jobs to get back to? Kelly Osbourne (famous for being a famous drug-fucked rockstar's bleating halfwit daughter in a documentary series, failed recording career x 2, failed acting career x 1) has revealed that she loves to go to gay clubs. For the music. This is obviously an untruth as anyone who has been gay knows the music in those places makes your ears bleed and is shit. Maybe she is due another trip to rehab with all the other fame-hungry pointless single-braincelled morons clogging up the newspapers... Maybe Kelly wants to 'turn' bisexual as it is once again cool. Or sumfink. The Sun reveals that bisexuality in the laydees in on the rise due to a survey conducted by the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (Mmmm, nice!) which showed that 14 per cent of women between 18 and 30 said they’ve had at least one sexual experience with another woman in their lifetimes, compared with about 4 per cent of women aged 18 to 59. Well I never. No, I really never. Strangely, there were no figures for men doing it bi-wise. I wonder why? Twats!  A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss. But one of them dirty old buggers probably has done... Thursday, September 15, 2005Destroy the moral fabric of society? Oh alright then!
The Guardian had a nice piece about the Civil Partnerships Law today...
Couples encouraged to use civil partnerships law Julian Glover Thursday September 15, 2005 The Guardian Gay couples were yesterday encouraged to use the new civil partnerships law, but also warned that it brings responsibilities too. The minister for women and equality, Meg Munn, visiting Westminster register office to promote the law, said: "Civil partnership is a landmark change ... that will give gay and lesbian couples many of the same rights as married partners." Couples can apply to be registered from December 5 and the first partnerships will be confirmed 15 days later. The law gives couples a range of financial and social rights and creates a dissolution process similar to divorce. End of quote... The Daily Mail had an editorial where they saw the whole thing in a very different light! Of course it is not actually on their website as that particular online location likes to portray itself as a nice friendly place for some reason. The point they were trying to make, however, was that New Labour (evil!) are trying to destroy the moral fabric of society (as usual) by 'actively promoting' (that familiar phrase again) gay 'marriage' by having a budget put aside for leaflets informing couples of the availability of these new ceremonies. This disgusted the Mail as there is no such budget to promote conventional marriage (because obviously heterosexuals don't know nuffink about marriage do they?) and anyway these new civil partnerships are discriminatory as heterosexual (unmarried) couples do not get the same rights as these gays (because they are not married. They can choose to get married but do not wish to) which baffled me no end. I know they're ridiculous ignorant evil c*nts looking to stir up trouble but I just couldn't believe someone would waste their time commissioning such a vile innacurate article. Boo hiss boo also to all their loyal readers sitting there reading their paper and thinking 'you know what? That's completely true!' It's not and you are all twats so please kindly fuck right off out of my business and worry about something important like global warming, you muppets. O.C = Old Chav?
Hmmm... not such a good look for actor Adam Brody who plays teenage comic geek Seth Cohen in The O.C but is really much too old to be playing a seventeen year old who lives at home with his parents!
 Chav ball scratching behaviour as spread across the pond. Abandon all hope... I love that Madonna because...
From Popbitch. Today.
Madonna has recorded a new single, Hung Up. She played it to a friend recently who said, "Its quite Gwen Stefani isn't it?" Madonna's reply? "That cunt's been stealing from me for the last ten years so I thought it was about time I paid her back". Say no more.  Worryingly, Gwen looks more like a woman when not wearing all that slap. Perhaps the rubbish transvestite look is her misguided attempt at a 'kewl style' or summink. And if she's copying Madonna does she have horrible old hands with expensive red string round the wrists too? Poetry Corner: An Excursion...
New Feature! A guest poet (another of my creative friends, Miss Zoe Plumb) brings you a poem they wrote last year when their bike got stolen from outside their house...
I'll miss the way the steering was really wobbly and I was in danger of swerving into passing cars Every time I cycled back from Angel Sainsbury’s with carrier bags on the handle bars I'll miss the constant oil stains on my trousers (or calves) So if I wanted to be clean I had to have constant baths I'll miss the way in wet weather the brakes were seriously dodgy Laws of physics say I'd prob be dead if I was more podgy I'll miss watching the front wheel wobble (from where it got dented when I threw you down the stairs in a rage) (Don't think there was much serious damage) I'll miss the way the saddle was sometimes wonky But probably still more comfortable than riding a donkey And the way the mudguards came unclipped when I sped over road humps Making a really annoying "Scweeeaaaahishschweeeaaaahish" noise The End  I love my friends, they're all so arty... Wednesday, September 14, 2005Four Eyed Twat!
What an exciting day off I had... I went to the opticians to pick up my new glasses and Mister Magoo-strength contact lenses (-5.5. Is that blind or what?) , bought some bread and the obligatory pack of Skittles Sours then walked back home in I-Pod heaven. I love having a music thing that fits in my pocket, less is most definitely more. Then I got the Cillit Bang Degreaser spray out and attacked the kitchen and bathroom, filled up the washing machine, watched the new Elbow album (it has a free DVD with weirdy videos on it), ironed the washing once it had finished, watched some bad daytime telly (Neighbours... the usual nonsensical plots with obligatory hunk) and some good American telly (Weeds... Coming soon to Sky One and my new current favourite show, and some Arrested Development on DVD), had lunch then had a nap. God I am so old. Two hours laying on my bed in the afternoon? Am I a pensioner? I have the eyesight of one!
 Tuesday, September 13, 2005Life imitates art? Or just a cycle of hate?
A disturbing news story on the BBC news site gave me flashbacks to a particularly distressing film based on real-life events from a while back...
'Two US men have been found guilty in California of killing a transgender teenager with whom they both had sex. Michael Magidson and Jose Merel beat, tied up and strangled 17-year-old Gwen Araujo after discovering she was biologically male, the court heard. Her body was found in a shallow grave in the Sierra Nevada hills soon after the October 2002 killing in Newark. The men face 15 years to life in jail for murder but were cleared of hate crime charges.' Totally disgusting of course but I don't understand how they can be cleared of the hate crime charge? It's a textbook hate crime! This kind of thing just keeps on happening (in 2005? Haven't we evolved a bit more than this?) in cases such as the Matthew Shephard murder (whose funeral was even more of a hate drime, with so-called Christian groups picketing it with offensive banners) and has more than a few similarities to (although the genders are reversed) the film 'Boys Don't Cry, described on IMDB as: 'Brandon Teena is the popular new guy in a tiny Nebraska town. He hangs out with the guys, drinking, cussing, and bumper surfing, and he charms the young women, who've never met a more sensitive and considerate young man. Life is good for Brandon, now that he's one of the guys and dating hometown beauty Lana. However, he's forgotten to mention one important detail. It's not that he's wanted in another town for GTA and other assorted crimes, but that Brandon Teena was actually born a woman named Teena Brandon. When his best friends make this discovery, Brandon's life is ripped apart by betrayal, humiliation, rape, and murder.' Brandon was killed by similarly dumb ignorant murderous types, who I doubt would have seen this film as it was probably a bit too 'arty' by their standards but it just goes to show that there are stupid evil c*nts everywhere who will kill people who are different.  Welcome to Bush's America. This was not a hate crime. Serious bit is now over for today. Phantom flan flinger strikes!
Twattish 4by4-loving oversized moronic dullard Jeremy Clarkson got custardpied by some people from my friends (well I am on their email list) at The Alliance Against Urban 4by4s today. A picture says more than my words...
 Heh. Wanker. Monday, September 12, 2005Blog Whores!
My marvellous pick for 'Blog Of The Fortnight' known as 'There's Trouble In Shangri-La' gives me much blog-love back! We are all hit-whores who love getting the links, no surprises there, but it's nice to find kindred spirits in this world of blog. This means mostly bitter twisted funny people trapped in dull jobs that are slowly driving them insane when they should be doing something less boring and more creative instead but since when has that been a bad thing? From that place's blog, today, comes the following:
Blog Of The Fortnight My dears, I have finally arrived.I have been voted "Blog Of The Fortnight" by Project76 [http://blog.project76.tv/].Some of you cynical types might think that this was a set-up but you'd be wrong. I don't know who this person is but I have had a look at his blog and it's HILARIOUS - much better than my useless mutterings.Project76 ... I thank you.*bows humbly* Infamy, infamy... Charlize gets 'Arrested'!
Actress-who-has-been-in-some-films Charlize Theron has been filming some appearances in America's best sitcom of the millennium 'Arrested Development.' Marvellous showbiz blog JustJared has the whole story and some spiffing pics.
 Season 1 is out on DVD so look into my eyes and don't look around the eyes, buy it, 3 2 1 you're back in the room... Fuel For Twats!
There is no fuel shortage crisis. The people in the know said so. Yet everywhere on the way home we saw silly long queues at petrol stations weaving out into the roads blocking lanes and generally causing a kerfuffle. Silly twats. I am sure Mrs SchoolRun Mother was in a queue somewhere, reading her Daily Mail and sweating, having a panic about making sure the 4by4 has enough fuel to take Tabitha and Prunella the three quarters of a mile journey to school and back every day this week. So once again, the mad queue mentailty takes ahold. If people are queuing it must be for a reason therefore we must queue too even though we don't actually need any petrol anyway. Sod blocking the roads, it's a crisis! And now it will be as we shall have empty petrol stations because of buffoons. What a load of flippin' melonfarmers!
 Not actual footage of panic buying but it amused me anyway. BBC Newssite feedback randomness: 'As a teacher, public transport is neither practical nor convenient and driving is my only real option. I can't afford to miss lessons so I'll be filling up earlier than usual. Just in case.Kate, Manchester, UK. It's happening here people pulling up at the pumps and filling right up. I've just seen one woman who added £3.56 to her tank! Barry, Mablethorpe, Lincs, UK' I never knew that teachers couldn't use public transport! Are these the kind of illogicals we want teaching our children? I think not! Retail therapy?
Things you should buy:
New Elbow CD 'Leaders Of The Free World.' is very good and comes with a limited edition DVD to confuse you, just like that Goldfrapp album did the other week. I love them limited yet pointless editions. Yum. Buy it if you have a soul. New book by Brian K Vaughan (Y:The Last Man) and Tony Harris (Starman), 'Ex Machina Volume 2: Tag' which is a little bit of politics with a dash of superpowers and some great photo-referenced artwork. When the mayor is an ex-superhero called The Great Machine, strange new problems tend to crop up. 'The West Wing' meets 'Spider-Man'? If you want to be lazy then yes!   I already have these things and I admire and stroke them. But there are bad things you shouldn't buy too! Like The new Katie Melua CD (no link as it is the devil's music) which I (as an experiment) listened to and then deleted from my I-Tunes immediately. Dreary? Check! Dull? Check! Unlike a bit of the old Franz Ferdinand which got me lively again. Katie is like aural anti-caffeine. Another bad thing, targeted at the gays I would imagine, is the following oddity:  It's the Girls Aloud dolls! Found em on the internet! And there are some pics of the real ones underneath to confuse the simpletons among us. Rubbish, plastic and soulless yet extraordinarily flexible. And the dolls are weird too, ho ho ho... Sunday, September 11, 2005Blog of the fortnight...
A new Blog Of The Fortnight for you all! It's only been a few months since the last one, after all...
Reasons why I love Nick Stephenson's 'There's Trouble In Shangri-La' Blog include his amusing posts about the dreadfully inept people he has to work with, especially the evil Doris and his revenge fantasies; the stupid things that other people in his life say without thinking; the emails from Carol Decker; the wine tasting and most importantly the accurate depiction of nights out in London. Observe: '... fucking expensive drinks and forced to watch the painful display of Maria (the land lady) prancing around the place, looking like a warped Isabella Rossellini in a straight jacket. Sad old cow. The gayers were, of course, fawning over her - anything for a free shot.' '... located behind the Astoria in a street that stinks of piss and looks like a New York ghetto. The door whore chirped up "cheer up boys". My buddy responded, "we're happy but our faces just don't know it yet" '. '... young and UGLY gay boys desperately trying to get their first ever fuck and even worse the fat fag hags who have to hang around with sad poofs because they are so disenfranchised from any other sector of the community.' New shit!
Some of the multitude of new pages I have been writing and designing for the website are now up. They're part of the Lucas & Walliams zone although the regular 'me' bit is due quite an overhaul too...
 A new frontpage logo featuring two strange old men... We have a page for admirers of women of a certain age... and one for women who like to taste jam but never judge...   I feel warped now. Saturday, September 10, 2005Project76 Book Club...
This week's (imagine I've been doing this every week for the last year or so) essential reading is 'Top Ten: The Forty-Niners' by Alan Moore and Gene Ha. This gorgeously illustrated hardback graphic novel is the prequel to their DC/Wildstorm/America's Best Comics series 'Top Ten' which can be described in lazy terms as 'Hill Street Blues' meets 'X-Men.' Alan Moore is a multiple award winning acknowledged comic genius with a very scary beard and Gene Ha is one of the best artists currently working in his field. The book in question is set in the past on an alternative world where superpowers are the norm and it is best described as a post-wartime cop drama with some great character pieces and a different kind of love story...
 Fantastic! A day in pictures...            Friday, September 09, 2005Lesbian feedback en masse!
Jamie was doing a google search for something or nothing and came across an Alex Parks fansite that mentioned a piece I wrote a few years back. Here is that piece to jog my memory:
 Here are some of the responses that my quoting a silly insult got... Static 75 said: 'At least they were otherwise complimentary about her - and hey, Mel Giedroyc gets called a guinea pig lady! ' Appollonesius commented: 'Nice to see they've used a picture of Alex looking stunning there. It makes the monkey-face comment seem pathetic and childish. If you're going to put someone down with a comment about their look's, then surely you need to open your eyes. I mean who looks more like a monkey Alex or Mark Lamarr? She is a bit boyish....well I guess that's her image. She was most entertaining throughout the live stream of Fame Academy.... Can't argue with that. Her song's shockingly not rubbish for a talent show winner....2 true. So 3 out of 4 right not so bad I guess. Monkey-face though...so silly schoolboyish.' Wandering Soul was upset: 'Who's Mark Lamarr? never heard of him before and how dare he say that i'd like to see what he looks like.' Then Wandering Soul 99 (a doppelganger? Or the previous lady with a flake in her?) chipped in with 'Mark Lamar...i used to like him!!! Just to let you know wandering soul, he presents don't mind the buzzcocks and was a team leader in shooting stars... at least i think :S But how dare he say that about our Alex?!?! Glad to hear the rest of it though, thanks! xxx' EWE2 added 'Well they appreciate her talent and how funny she is so really apart from the monkey comment they are quite nice! and like apollo said they've put up a beautiful picture so just proving themselves wrong.' Mailman was upset: 'Well at least alex doesn't sport a failed dated sixties hair style like mark does!. Alex has style he doesn't He's just joking,he's always sending folk up on the tv. "Monkey face".Mark take some advice, a trip to your optician is long overdue fella.'  What a bunch of divas! I love the skirt-lifters, I do! World Tour: Day Four = Art!
We went to Brighton to see the monsters and another gay. Simon went to school with me about a squillion years ago and we both drew comics pictures together. While I am a frustrated writer managing a bookshop he is a successful artist owning a gallery/shop. The Art Asylum Gallery in Brighton is pretty fantastic and his art has appeared all around Brighton in bars, galleries and shops. There was even a story in a national newspaper when Kylie Minogue tried to buy the giant gold hotpants canvas but it had already been sold to a regular person. What a kerfuffle! The gallery's website is getting a major overhaul any day now and shows a lot of the pieces available to buy. Quite reasonably priced!
 The shop window, with paintings and retro miscellany.  Hotpants explosion! This print allegedly stopped traffic. Holy Moly!
I love Holy Moly! The web-based nasty gossip site is always on top form. For instance...
Which balloon breasted mysterious waste of space is doing very, very odd things of late?Readers with children will sympathise with the plight though:A wedding to arrange, a new baby, not enough time to shit etc...So, what would you people do? Would you: a) Grit your teeth and just get the fuck on with the ridiculous life you've created for yourself? b) Ask for help from family & friends, who could/should help you though this difficult period? c) Feign a mystery illness for your demanding son, have him put in hospital to the bemusement of medical staff (who insist said child is fine) then only visit 3 times in as many weeks, ALWAYS with a camera crew in tow?  I have literally no idea which worthless tit of a woman they are talking about. Thursday, September 08, 2005War on weather continues...
What a surprise. Some mentalist American Christian Fundamentalist freak has blamed Hurricane Katrina on the gays! 'Repent America's Michael Marcavage was upset that New Orleans was planning to hold a gay festival called Southern Decadence and believes this plan caused the hurricane to strike: "Although the loss of lives is deeply saddening, this act of God destroyed a wicked city. From 'Girls Gone Wild' to 'Southern Decadence,' New Orleans was a city that had its doors wide open to the public celebration of sin. May it never be the same... Let us pray for those ravaged by this disaster. However, we must not forget that the citizens of New Orleans tolerated and welcomed the wickedness in their city for so long. May this act of God cause us all to think about what we tolerate in our city limits, and bring us trembling before the throne of Almighty God." He finished off with a Bible quoute: "[God] sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."
And people wonder why organised religion has a bad name and doesn't belong in the classroom! World Tour Day Four = Exterminate!
We went to Brighton in our blue car to see some strange friends...
 Spanky The Gold Dalek with a soul wouldn't look us in the eye.  Meredith The Auton Bride tried to shake our hand. We ran away.  Dave The Dalek Emperor Creature was just plain rude.  Kenneth The Slitheen was a bitchy old queen, as usual.  Gerald The Space Pig won at a game of 'murder in the dark.' Screw you, Arnold!
Yet more wedding- related stuff which includes celebrities AND gays! Gay celebrities in fact! Even if they are rubbish boybanderbenders... According to Digital Spy, MarkFromWestlife wants to get married (civil partnership) to his generic boyfriend. Which is nice. What made me laugh though was a quote from the boyfriend, named Kevin: "I'm planning to give up my career to support Mark. There is only room for one star in our family and it has to be him." How very noble. He is (was? I lose track of boybands) in an average boyband called V. Who? Exactly!
 Mark thought about banning Jordan from his forthcoming wedding... Tacky wedding goes tits up?
More wedding stuff. I had to laugh when I read about how Jordan's in no way cynical celebrity magazine deal led showbiz wedding is not quite going to plan. She has been blathering on for ages about all the people who are 'banned' from it, i.e famous people who have had their dirty cocks inside her or have said bad things about her and therefore the celeb invite quota has been upped by inviting complete strangers! I think she misses the point of what a wedding day is about, silly blowup doll. According to a certain trash paper online today, a lot of these famous strangers have quite rightly have no intention of going to a media circus wedding of two people they don't even know. Some fantastic quotes...
Charlotte Church was Jordan's wedding singer choice, now replaced by loopy Happy Mondays/ X-Factor thing Rowetta. Church said “I wrote her a nice note to say sorry, though.” Chatshow host and female impersonator Paul O'Grady said “I don’t like family weddings at the best of times so I’m not going to the wedding of someone I don’t know.” Chipboard cockney soapstar Shane Richie said “I’d rather get my **** caught in the fridge door then go to Jordan’s wedding, to be honest. I don’t even know them.” Ex-Hearsay singer Myleene Klass said “I can’t go because I’m working. I’m buying her a curry for a present to say sorry though.” Working? Is it panto season already? Denise Van Outen said she would not attend as she has only met Jordan for five seconds but luckily ex-Eastenders dog-faced unemployed actor Dean Gaffney is expected to attend. Phew!  Desperate housewife. And plastic gimp boy... Terminated!
Meathead mahogany ahk-torrr Arnold 'leather sofa' Schwarzenegger has been masquerading as a serious politician for some years now and is currently really quite powerful as the Governor of California. He has got involved in the whole gay marriage kerfuffle which, at the time of the last election there, appeared to be more important than that crazy war in Iraq, America's disproportionate destruction of the environment or the health timebomb that is the world's fattest lard arse nation. Forget these and other important issues, stopping the gays getting married and ruining marriage for everyone else is much more important! Anyway, he has agreed to sticking with Proposition 22, that Bushy law thing that states that 'only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognised in California' therefore annulling marriages that may have been done anywhere else (not that there are that many places anyway) and vetoing a new clause that some had hoped would be introduced where the 3,400 plus same-sex marriages of 2004 (in a moment of strange logic, someone realised that gay marriage could be possible until 'computer said no' and it stopped) and letting more weddings take place! Surely eddings are good for the economy and what with those mythical 'pink pounds' we hear so much about they'd be crazy not to endorse them. And as for ruining the concept of marrige, doesn't it encourage it? More marriages = a rise in popularity of ye olde tradition, no? Madness!
 Don't mention the war. I, Spod...
My life has been taken over by my new IPod Mini and I shall spend the next fortnight adding songs to my ITunes. I haven't slept for a day and am hallucinating strange things on telly like 'I hate my mun! I hate my daughter!' on a thing called 'Trisha' with some ugly thick mingers jangling with cheap fake gold chains and shouting too much. It is scary...
 Damn you, evil blue MP3 Player! I have actually slept but want to stay up all night tonight when I get back from World Tour: Day 5 at some point later today... Wednesday, September 07, 2005Fat weird poof wins music award! (thought The Daily Mail)
The Mercury Music Prize thing (which is technically The Nationwide Mercury Music Prize as it is sponsored by Nationwide and Mercury doesn't exist anymore, well it does exist as a thing called mercury but not as a brand, unlike unicorns which don't exist and never have done) has been won by Antony And The Johnsons! Thank Crunchie it wasn't Coldplay. Weird choice though, but then it is an award for new unpredictable musicians (apart from when M-People won it. Whoops). Highlight of the show on telly last night was the insinuation that the wonderfully weird winner will now become popular with the mainstream. Er, no, he won't. I cannot imagine 'I Am A Bird Now' being in the Tesco Top Ten or people putting it on their Christmas list rather than the usual bland Dido or James Blunt or whatever... I am pleased though as (yes I am a smug showoff, I know) I am a big fan and have both Antony's albums. Sometimes you need a bit of night time music with a theatrical edge, sung by a man who sometimes sounds a bit like Nina Simone. It's very good if you listen to it a few times and are in the right mood. That mood happens to be insanity and pretentiousness sometimes but I found the music good for listening to on the tube. But I am weird, please ignore me...
 The new look: Wigs, facepaint and shawls. Watch Sienna Miller try it in Heat Magazine next week. Prison Broke!
New American drama Prison Break may be ridiculously implausible, leading to me losing interest in watching after the second episode but the main character is played by a very attractive man called Wentworth Miller. Would it be superficial of me to watch it just for that? Probably so...
 World Tour : Day Three = Clambering monkey kids!
Once in Bath and suitably rested from cake eating and tea drinking we visited our friends with the kerayzee kids! A girl of 18 months and a boy of nearly 6 are a handful, especially when there is a camera about...
  We love lifting small children up and waving them in front of cameras. Could do it for hours...  This photo is particularly bizarre so had to be shown.  I want a baby. Now. Totally sweet and gorgeous... World Tour: Day Two = Cake!
World Tour Day Two involved going to Plymouth for lunch. From Rickmansworth to Plymouth ia a very very long drive so about four hours and one wee wee break later we arrived there and went to visit some gays (Gary and Paul, actually. They live and work in a very big house that is the location for their voiceovers business and a recording studio). While there we discovered they were the most multitasky people ever as they also have another project which is a comedy radio show which comes with a website, and is very popular with pod-casters, which is far too modern for me to understand...
 We went to the pub for lunch and then bought a load of lovely posh cakes as it was Jamie's birthday. There is never an excuse required for cake time of course as he lurves them cakes!  What lovely cake it was... We then began the journey to Bath (another few hours in the car) where we would repeat the idea of a nice cup of tea and a sit down. But on the lawn. Very posh!  Mmmm... china cups with saucers and everyfink! Snooty Fox! (World Tour Day Three)
On the way home from another day of our World Tour we went past a pub that caught my attention...
  It has the best name for a pub I have ever seen. And that logo is sublime! We didn't actually go in due to not being alcoholicesque morning drinkers but if you're doing a pub crawl of top notch silly named establishments please visit them and tell them I sent you... The Snooty Fox, Brook Street, Warminster, Wilts, BA12 8DN Free and cheesy...
I get to go to some great free BBC comedy recordings but then sometimes I get emails like the following invite, which makes me think I would rather spend an evening in 'upmarket' nightclub Faces in Gants Hill (yes it does exist and has a website somewhere) with Jodie Marsh, Kenzie, Antony from Blue and Dean Gaffney than go to another comedy filming...
See? Fancy a free fun-filled night out for all the family? Then read on!We are writing to invite you to be amongst the first to apply for ticketsto see "Home Again" - a brand new show being recorded this autumn. Home Again is a family sitcom for BBC1 from the writers of "MY FAMILY".With rents rising and house prices rocketing it now seems impossible foryoung couples with an average income to get a foot on the property ladder. For MARK and INGRID RYDER, a married couple in their late twenties, thesolution is to put their stuff in storage and move into the spare room ofIngrid's middle-aged parents, GRAHAM and SHEILA MUIR. At first everyoneinvolved assumes it's a temporary arrangement but as the weeks turn tomonths the tension of living on top of each other starts to get to them all.Sheila resents the disruption of her busy retirement, Marke resents thesuggestion that his career as a props-maker is "not a proper job", Ingridresents Sheila's interference in her personal life and Graham resentsSheila, Mark and Ingrid.Further grief is applied by Ingrid's boss KYM - part friend, part jealousscheming manipulative tyrant - and Ingrid's niece and nephew SHERIDAN (6)and BRINSLEY (8) - a constant reminder that the Ryders don't have childrenand a terrible warning that they probably never should. STARRING: SAMANTHAJANUS, BRUCE MACKINNON...RECORDING ON 11TH October and 2nd ,9th ,16th ,23rd,30th NovemberAT TEDDINGTON STUDIOS - Broom Road, Teddington, Middlesex, TW11 9NTSTUDIO DOORS OPEN at 7.00pmMINIMUM AGE 16 years.For your chance to be part of the audience for one of these fun fillednights CALL US NOW on 020 8576 1227. Alternatively you may emailtv.ticket.unit@bbc.co.uk. Remember to include your full name, address,daytime telephone number and show/amount of tickets you would like ifapplying in this way.TICKETS ARE FREE!We can't wait to see you on the evening,Best regards,BBC STUDIO AUDIENCE. ... er, NO! Found it! See the horror of the orange-faced vodka slapper women and the dodgy highlighted slaggy buffoon men of Essex at Faces Nightclub! or stay at home. But don't go to bad BBC1 sitcom filmings. Ever. Monday, September 05, 20054 out of 10 twats said...
A poll has revealed that 40% of people asked in it thought Ken Clarke would make the best Tory Leader. Ken said with glee "It is nice to know that such a wide section of the public hold me in such high regard and have confidence in me. The poll shows that under my leadership, the Conservative Party would have the prospect of winning the next election." Hmm.. call me a cynic but aren't all the other candidates either A) Unknown to all except their mothers, B) Totally unelectable anyway or C) A bunch of right wing cunts? So well done Mr Clarke but it's like being named the least embarrassing sexually transmitted disease.
 Kenneth was the first entrant in the 'Celebrity Spot The Cake' competition. Not Walking On Sunshine, more treading water...
Is that hurricane Katrina wot flooded all those American places with waves the same Katrina from 80s pop band Katrina And The Waves who sang that annoying song? These failed 80s popstars, you can't trust them! If they're not appearing in rubbish reality shows trying to resurrect their careers they're causing natural disasters!
George Bush has been totally shit with the hurricane thing. People are upset with the poor way that he reacted... and this is news exactly how? He is a buffoon! He has been incompetent in every way from the very beginning and American commentators have just started noticing? Fools! Will Mister Bush start to be a bit more concerned about how his policies affect the environment now? I somehow doubt it. He will announce a war on nature next or summink equally ludicrous.  That was 'a little bit of politics.' Goodnight. World Tour: Day One = Pansies!
This week is our holiday week so we are doing a world tour. The world in question is quite small though. Today it consisted of the M25 and Canvey Island where I experienced my first garden centre as a person who owns a house with a garden. Pansies? How very dare you but yes we bought some of them for hanging in hanging baskets (well, their name describes their position and appearance) as well as some other short knobbly plants that I have no idea about. It's all foreign to me, I rarely even go outside anyway and I only know I have a garden because the lounge has patio doors and I can see outside when the curtains get their weekly opening period... We now have potplants, some money from Jamie's birthday and some HMV-bought presents to exchange for stuff we haven't already got. It's a thrill a minute in our house, as you can imagine...
 Some pansies, today, somewhere off Google. Sunday, September 04, 2005Typecast? Moi?
The Australian man who played 'The Secret Life Of Us' character Richie who turned out to be a gay has turned up in cheesy Channel Five soap opera 'Family Affairs' as a gay! With the man who played gay character Mouse in 'Tales Of The City' as another gay. It's all getting very typecasty to me...
 ... and that red grumpy dog painting looks familiar too... Six Feet Over!
Six Feet Under final ever episode = Best ever final episode of any television show ever!
 I don't want to give too much away. My brain is drained from watching the whole last season in the space of a few days anyway... It's pretty intense stuff! Channel 4 have decided that since they are now officially a channel that treats quality imports terribly they will only be showing it on E4. They would rather do more pointless 'reality' shows featuring dolescum chavs running guesthouses. Fools! Still, there's always DVDs... M... P... Free(s) !
MP3Blog highlights of the week...
...the new Cardigans song 'I Need Some Fine Wine And You, You Need To Be Nicer' is at Work For It , if you scroll down the page a bit... ...and Fluxbox has got a new Junior Senior track called 'Take My Time' which features the B-52s laydees rather than their usual weird European man-rapping style but it will get into your brain and make you smile... ...and for the odd choice, we have Suzi Quatro covering Bruce Springsteen's 'Born To Run' via Copy? Right who also have Glitterbug doing 'Like A Prayer' with jangly guitars and harmonies. Because they can... Mars Attacks! (when angry)
Little-known in the UK but bloody fantastic TV show 'Veronica Mars' is back for seconds in America soon, and the first season is approaching there on DVD. I think one of those cheesy channels like 'Living TV' have the rights to show it over here, bah humbug. The official site has a nice long clip of the season premiere followed by a trailer showing loads of old clips. Highly recommended, like what if Buffy had no supernatural elements but retiained the great characterisation and dialoge and it had a lead actress who you actually could like? Quality!
 Mars... Mmmmm, chocolate... Friday, September 02, 2005Frank! What have you done?
Top mentalist comic writer Grant Morrison (The Invisibles, New X-Men, The Filth, Doom Patrol, etc) and comic artist supreme Frank Quitely (The Authority, New X-Men, We3, etc) have teamed up with an odd choice of collaborator... Robbie Walliams, sorry, Williams. The new album has some excellent Frank artwork with a tarot theme but I can't find any good photos on the internet. Here's a bit of a small one...
 Even Frank and Grant can't make me like Robbie. Ride 'em cowboy?
Tired and ill so it's a short blog...
A film about gay cowboys? With Jake Gyllenhaal? And Heath Ledger? How can it fail?  'Brokeback Mountain,' coming soon to cinemas. I can picture the ghost of Lynda Lee-Potter spinning in her grave. Hurrah! The return of 'TV From Hell'
I love picking the worst of the forthcoming TV ideas from The Custard website. Here are some more...
Faking The Band autumn 2005, Channel 4 – Zoe Ball hosts a show in which former Blue Peter presenters Peter Duncan, Janet Ellis, Romana D'Annunzio and Stuart Miles form an Abba tribute band. Whatever Happened to...? 2005, Channel 4 – Three-part series examining the personal stories behind cultural controversies of the 1980s – the Minipops TV programme, the Wild Child and Gender Benders. Jamie’s Great Escape 2005, Channel 4 – Six-part series in which Jamie Oliver tries to re-discover what first inspired his love of food – good ingredients, simply cooked – as he travels around Italy in his clapped-out camper van. Richard & Judy’s Wine Club 2005, More4 – Five-part series in which the daytime TV stars examine all aspect of wine. Rock School 2005, Channel 4 – Six-part series from RDF Media in which Kiss frontman Gene Simmons teaches a group of teenage schoolchildren about the history of rock, how to write songs and the art of performance. The 13-year-old pupils come from St Christ's Hospital School in West Sussex where the uniform includes a 16th-century frock coat. A second series has already been commissioned. The Seven Studipest Things to Escape From 2005, Channel 4 – One-off special featuring extreme escapologist and daredevil Jonathan Goodwin. Priest Idol 2005, Channel 4 – A three-part reality documentary series following a new vicar's attempt to boost the congregation at a parish in Wakefield, West Yorkshire. Gay Muslims 2005, Channel 4 ...Wake up, Channel 4! These programmes sound both patronising, rubbish, unoriginal and shit! Let's just have the 1980s test card all day instead, yeah? Anyone? No? Anyone? No? Anyone...?  Look! I found some Gay Muslims for Channel 4! How bloody patronising of me! Thursday, September 01, 2005It's a mixed-up world...
I just wrote a hilarious huge essay-sized post and lost it! For fuck's sake! Computer says fucking no...
Anyway... I realised today that someone I have known for a few years in an occasional work meetings way had no idea I was not a heterosexual bloke when he said that the great thing about the hot weather we are experiencing is that women wear less clothes. He was expecting me to laugh in a blokey kind of way and agree but I had no idea what to say. So I just changed the subject. Sometimes it's just not worth the energy it takes to tell people, esoecially in a shop with broken air conditioning... If my shop was a 1990s sitcom one of the staff who popped in would have been the next door neighbout popping in via the unlocked back door. But it is not. She had a new haircut, a trendy person's assymetrical bob, which looked very trendy and young persony if you like that sort of thing. As I am old it made me think of 1980s New Romantic styles but it looked fine. Poor girl was concerned that it made her 'look like a dyke' which was nonsense. Everyone knows that dykes do their own hair at home with their electric clippers which also double up as beard trimmers and keep the cat's fur nice and tidy... Joke. I love the lady skirt-lifters. Couldn't eat a whole one though, etc... My Little Metal Psychopath Playset?
Another Christmas list item has materialised on the internet. £39.99? I think I'll just buy it myself instead!
 Radio-controlled and twelve inches tall but does it come with all the new catchphrases like 'do not blaspheme' and 'shut that door'? |
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