When Elton John and David Furnish have been waffling on about their planned Civil Partnership fing I was getting bored. But now that sex offender George 'George Michaels' Michael has decided to tell the world that he plans to 'marry' his lover Kenny 'No I was never in Bros' Goss in the new year ("we won't be doing the whole veil and gown thing" said the toilet-loving bearded buffoon) I may need to rethink my plans and just do it on the quiet. I don't want no kerfuffles.

George Michaels has a film coming out. About George Michaels. Please make him stop.

Did I mention how much I f*cking hate all those f*cking pigeons outside my shop? The whole of the road is permanently covered in a layer of pigeon poop. There is a crazy bag lady who sits outside the long shop window and feeds them. I would love to feed her fat scabby arse to the flying rats and then delight when they shit little bits of her all over the pavement... and the filthy birds keep coming into my windows and shitting on the glorious displays! Feathers and shit and books. Proper gorge.

Allegedly Jacko is hooked on pills! Why am I surprised? It is the trendy thing to do in the business we call show, after all. The clown-faced goon should be asleep until way past the end of his natural lifespan with all the sleeping pills he has allegedly taken. I had to chuckle at The Sun this morning though, whith it's crazy headline screaming 'Cocaine in his pants!' According to the article 'he once turned up in his pyjamas after a hospital visit. He often appeared dazed and on heavy medication. Pals believe he is takes so many painkillers and anti-depressants that he is constantly intoxicated.'

Oh those pesky 'pals' of the rich and famous! They can't keep a (very badly kept) secret for long. Even Elton John has been talking about Jacko, mentioning the time he invited MyFuturePartnerDavidFurnish round to dinner and Jacko was there. Elton described him as 'medicated' at this time and discovered that Jackson had not actually eaten dinner at a table with other real people (not even monkeys?) for at least ten years. What a scary first date for poor old Mister Furnish.

30 to 40 Xanax a night? I don't think that is even possible. He must not be human...


Whoops. It's Jack White again. I am getting confused...

I am shocked by sumfink I read on't'internet. Apparently Michael Jackson isn't even the biological father of those two white kids he calls his children. You know, the ones he thinks are like unattractive sofas coz he covers them in throws all the time? Well, Debbie Rowe, that woman who made those kids for Jacko because she used to be his skin doctor or sumfink and felt sorry for him (and got a shedload of cash for renting out her womb) said "Michael knows the truth - that he is not the natural father of Prince Michael Jr and Paris. He has to come clean. I have no information whatsoever about the identity of the semen donor for either child as such (semen) was obtained anonymously from a semen bank under an agreement of confidentiality."

Jesus! I thought he was a perfectly well-balanced family man with a troupe of children made in the normal 'daddy loves mummy very much and plants his seed...' method. Whatever next?

How about Jack White turning into Michael Jackson? Or is it Jacko attempting to get close to Meg White by impersonating Jack? He must be a fan of her drumming...

It must be Christmas or summink...

Lou and Andy turn on the Christmas lights in Mayfair with Stella McCartney and Madonna.

I think Ana-Lucia is my new lady icon woman.

There are no spoilers here, but they're everywhere else...

Oh dear. That new Pope really hasn't got a clue, has he? After the revelations of a sexual abuse epidemic in the American Catholic Church in 2002 (how many cases went unreported? And what about the rest of the world?) there have been new guidelines drawn up about the gays and their place in God's loving inclusive old church. Pah! These guidelines address homosexuality as a 'tendency' but not an 'orientation' which is pretty bizarre to me. Isn't a tendency something that you may find yourself doing, like my tendency to eat far too many hobnobs? I mean the chocolate biscuits of course, this is not some kind of gay slang. Anyway, gays that overcome their tendency can train to become priests. By overcoming I think they mean hiding it, which is of course a very 'Dafydd Thomas' kind of ideal world except he wouldn't be the only gay in the church, more like one of between 25% to 40% ( figure estimated by Richard Kirker, general secretary of Britain's Lesbian and Gay Christian Movement).
The document says "If a candidate practises homosexuality, or presents deep-seated homosexual tendencies, his spiritual director as well as his confessor have the duty to dissuade him in conscience from proceeding towards ordination. Such persons in fact find themselves in a situation that presents a grave obstacle to a correct relationship with men and women." It also rather ironically states that the church has a deep respect for homosexuals and in no circumstances should they be discriminated against. Except when they are to be used as scapegoats for a huge number of dirty old paedophile priests who are no doubt still raping their altar boys and not mentioned on any new guidelines.

It's OK, he's only waving. It's not a salute or nuffink.

A nerd, a credit card and I-Tunes... A fatal combination!


The Lazarus I-Pod made me do it...

The joy of the long weekend means I can give myself headaches by watching TV for three days.
Here's some of what I binged on:
Bones S1E5: In which Dr Brennan reveals a little bit more of the reason behind her poor social skills, the FBI agent played by Angel's David Boreanaz steals the show again and everyone cries due to a really good child actor. Just don't eat your lunch when they find the rotting child corpse! Curb Your Enthusiasm S4E6 and E7: Larry manages to offend lots of black people, and picks up a prostitute so he can use the car pool lane to get to the game on time.
Derek Acorah's Ghost Towns S1E3 or summink:Derek goes to Maidstone in Kent and does his charlatan psychic act in dark rooms with stupid people in a state of such mass hysteria that they'll believe anything. Danniella Westbrook gets scared but then she is a tool, isn't she?
Family Guy s4 various episodes: Where I realise that I mostly hate this show these days.
Harry Hill's Shark Infested Custard S1E6: Loads of bits from other weeks get used again but no vomitting Stouffer, what a shame. Some of those kids look baffled. Still good stuff.
Little Britain S3E2: Rather lowbrow in places but raised some titters as usual. That's my laughter you're hearing over the 'disappointed horse' sketch, folks!
Lost S2E8: The cop show episode. Think first and shoot later is this week's moral but it's a bit late for one of our cast. Whoops. And Hurley eats all the wild boars and Walt and his dog.
My Name Is Earl S2E8,9 and 10: Look, it's Johnny Galecki as this week's guestar! Ah, those Roseanne cast are everywhere. Sara Gilbert is in quite possibly the worst sitcom ever made, called Twins, with Melanie Griffith as her mom and some stupid girl as her twin. Yes, she has a slutty stupid twin and she is the sensible one. It is hilarious. Or rather, it is shit. I lasted for five minutes before flatlining.
Nip/Tuck S3E11: A wedding. No funerals. Just who is that carver dude? I doubt the programme makers even know at this stage. Silly nonsense but fun.
The O.C S3E6: Where the show is beginning to jump the shark, becoming a regular everyday tale of rich folk rather than a clever nerdy version of the lives of some rich folk.
The Office S2E9: We are into the characters home lives again. I thought this would be a bad idea but it is fleshing them out brilliantly, taking them further away from the thoughts of 'this is a remake' and that.
Peepshow s3E3: Farts and pooing are never usually funny but in this case they were hilarious. So very very wrong in places but that makes it all the better. Or summink.
Veronica Mars S2E8: Veronica is still the greatest. Wallace is still AWOL and the conspiracy theories all start to merge together. Not long til the return of Alyson Hannigan and this time she has a fight with Charisma, just like the old days in Buffy. Fantastic!

Almost time for the big reuinion bitchfight!

More of that forthcoming stuff from that Custard website fing...

Celebrate Oliver Christmas 2005, BBC1 – Shane Richie hosts a spectacular show celebrating the Lionel Bart musical, with appearances by Matthew Kelly, Suranne Jones, Amy Nuttall, Hayley Westenra and Aled Jones. Rising stars Joseph McManners and Perry Millward play Oliver and the Artful Dodger for the evening.
The French And Saunders Christmas Special Christmas 2005, BBC1 – Includes "appearances" from Boy George, George Michael, Jackie Stallone and Brigitte Neilson, a visit to The Beckenhams Folk Festival featuring singer Rufus Wainwright; The House Of Tiny Tearaways' Dr Tanya Byron; Mastermind with John Humphrys; and , EastEnders stars Alfie, Kat and Little Mo who are tested to the limit by Dawn and Jennifer's talkative extras.
Green Green Grass Christmas 2005, BBC1 – A Christmas special of the sitcom starring John Challis and Sue Holderness.
ITV Christmas Pantomime Christmas 2005, ITV1 – A Coronation Street star-packed comedy combining elements of several panto favourites. Stars Debra Stephenson and Bradley Walsh as Cinderella and Prince Charming, Tina O'Brien as Lady Lou Hardup, Malcolm Hebden and David Neilson as the Ugly Sisters, Nikki Sanderson as Princess Pop Tart, Danny Young as Prince Twinkletoes and Roy Hudd as Dandini.
My Family Christmas Special Christmas 2005, BBC1 – A festive edition of the sitcom, preceding a sixth series.
Christmas Mania 2 2005, ITV1 – Presented by Girls Aloud, with Lee Ryan, Liz McClarnon, The Choirboys, Aled Jones and Il Divo singing festive favourites.

Smash your telly right now!

I think some of Victor Lewis-Smith's gay Daleks (from comedy gem 'TV Offal') escaped in the nineties and have only just resurfaced. Today's Sun Online has an interesting tale:
'Abducted By The Daleks' is a rubbish porno DVD that has been selling off E-Bay. Perfectly timed to capture the current Dalek fever and at Christmas time when we are all stuck for ideas!


Now for some quotes!
Terry Nation (their creator) estate spokesman said “The reason the Daleks are still the most sinister thing in the universe is because they do not make things like porn. Tey weren’t ever intended to be sexual creatures. It’s simple, Daleks do not do porn.”

Doctor Who Nerd Colin Brown (Who? I have never heard of him) said “It’s outrageous to think of them touching up naked women — Daleks just don’t behave like that.”

I really hope this is still on E-Bay. And the above scene is crying out for some Benny Hill music.

"They're all on crack: Look, they're skinny"
"She ain't on crack! She's not skinny like you!"
"She's 'ad so many baybees she wouldn't be able to get rid a' that body weight"
"I know who my kids' dads are... Her kids 'ave all got different dads too!"
"Button it or there'll be no DNA test!"

23 year old woman dressed in skimpy black top with gold chain, fat bits all hanging out, twisted tattoos on bingo wing arms. She looks at least 30. Six kids and says she's pregnant by her ex who keeps going back to her. She says he, a spotty rodent faced oik of 21, is on crack, his mother is on crack and his sister is on crack. They all defend themselves one by one by shouting and attempting a fight. Jeremy Kyle shouts at them and tells them off as if they were stupid children. How demeaning.

I love The Jeremy Kyle Show.


"Shut up or you won't get any tea!"

4by4s... They're designed for off-road use but every other c*nt round where I live has one. I do not live up a mountain, in a woodland area or even on a bumpy dirt track. I live in a town. With regular roads. Here are two views on these urban monster trucks. Which do you prefer?
From The Sunday Mirror today:


QUENTIN WILLSON: HATCH IS NO CATCH
27 November 2005
It's hello to funky SUVs ..farewell frumpy hatchbacks
COULD the humble family hatch be doomed? Judging by the latest offerings from Fiat and VW, a wind of change is about to billow through the medium-size car market.
This week VW have announced details of their Dune supermini SUV, with tough suspension, rugged bodykit and bullish bumpers. Not to be outdone, Fiat have also unveiled their Panda Cross 4x4, another compact SUV with four-wheel drive, high driving position and underbody protection panels. And these mini-SUVs promise to be both fashionable and frugal. The Panda Cross 4x4 comes with a 1.3 multijet diesel, while the Dune uses VW's acclaimed 74bhp 1.4 petrol or fuel-injected 72bhp 1.4 diesel.
Both cars should be capable of 40-50 mpg. And we should not be surprised by this sea-change in the hatchback market. Image-conscious buyers are understandably tired of the workaday triteness of Astras, Focuses and Golfs, and want to mimic well-heeled buyers of BMW X5s and Range Rovers. Which is why both these dinky SUVs promise refined off-road behaviour, funky cabins and sub-£15k price tags.
Pundits say switched-on punters now prefer clever seating combinations, bigger carrying capacity and a younger image to suit changing lifestyles. While very few of us in the UK actually need a car for the great outdoors, market research says 30- somethings find the buccaneering image of SUVs very attractive. The Dune goes on sale next year, starting at around £12,500, while the Panda 4x4 also arrives next year from £13,400.
The alternative is to haul the family round in a dull-as-dusting Astra or Focus, so you can see why these two represent the first nails in the coffin of the frumpy five-door hatch.

and from elsewhere:


It’s not hard to work out. You own a Land Rover. You’re a cunt. And here’s why:

Your 4x4 is less safe than a Ford Focus.
Yes, they are dangerous to you - more prone to rollovers than any other type of car, and rollovers are the type of crash most likely to cause a fatality to the occupant. They also have worse brakes than regular cars, and much lower safety features. If you wanted safety you should have bought a Volvo.

Driving a 4x4 is dangerous for other road users.
In a collision between a 4x4 and an ordinary car, you are 4 times more likely to kill people in the other vehicle than you would be when driving a car.

Pedestrians and cyclists get minced by these behemoths.
If you have bull bars you are not just a cunt, but an Almighty cunt. How many Rhinos are there in Sainsbury's car park?

The environment.
You like shitty m.p.g. figures? You got it. In fact, why don't you nip outside and ritually burn some trees as well? Other people have to breathe your fumes, and cars are bad enough, but you had to go one step further.

Finally, but not least of all, you look like a cunt.
Someone who thinks they can buy strength in the form of a car. Someone who wants to feel they can break the mould by going "offroad" but never gets further than Tescos and frets because you have a bit of mud on the side. As evidence of this, Jamie Oliver, celebrity cunt, drives a BMW X5.

Phew! The French Prime Minister has announced that contrary to popular belief, rap music was not responsible for all those riots they've been having. He told journalists: "Is rap responsible for the crisis in the suburbs? My answer is no." Glad that's sorted that out then. I blame Westlife, myself.

There have been complaints about Mrs Emery and Ting Tong already so I can guess there will be more this week, with a piss-soaked post office sketch and some excessive vomitting. I love the little touches, like Maggie reading The Daily Mail in her hospital bed, and Roy and Margaret’s role reversals. Mr Mann and Roy are now the stars of the show for me and the ‘disappointed horse’ was most enjoyable at the old Beeb that rainy night when they did the filming. Same for the Dafydd girlfriend sketch, where the actress in question translated for us comedy nerds. Brilliant.
Marjorie seemed to be channelling Vanessa Feltz for a while there, with her fitness instructor love interest going so well until her old catchphrases got dusted (low in fat, remember)off. I don’t know what to make of Vicky working on a sex line but it was funny which is what matters in comedy, I guess. Unlike the still repetitive Lou and Andy, Bubbles and new member Leonard. Lazy writing but it’s popular so there’s no real need for my complaints. BBC1 is BBC1 and this is still great for that particular channel. Roll on next week and probably that froggie lady at last…


A notoriously difficult customer. I don't know where they get theses ideas from...

A bit of man on man lurve in Emmerdale this week... Of course I don't watch it, it is a soap opera, perish the thought!

That was actually a blink and you'll miss it kiss. The dirty mares.

My I-Pod thinks it is a celebrity or summink. This morning, for no apparent reason, it decided to be dead. At the same time, George Best was starring in endless suplements in daily newspapers and tributes were being made by men and such. Except he still wasn't yet an ex-alcoholic. This went on for a while, I-Pod: Dead! Best: Alive! Then he finally snuffed it and the Appley music machine that fits into your pocket came back from the microchip afterlife. Poor old George. He may have been a nasty violent alcoholic wifebeater but he sure could kick a ball.

The revolving doors of celeberity had a vacancy! Who could fill it???


Gary and Howard announced their Take That reunion tour. Unfortunately Robbie Walliams' ego would dwarf the other four guys so he will not be joining them...

Darts person Eric Bristow has been cleared of smacking his estranged wife about a bit...
When interviewed after the result he said "I've had enough of women, now I might go gay!". Even if it was a joke I doubt he would ever pass the tests to become a gay. His sartorial choices alone would fail him although this quote from the paper amused me :
'(Magistrate) Mr Bradley warned Bristow as he gave his evidence: "Will you refrain from calling the Crown Prosecution solicitor darling." ' How very camp!


And in other Bristow news, the silly but fun TV show of his distant relative Miss Sydney Bristow has been axed. 'Alias' will end at the finale of the current season as it has got very very silly, what with a pregnant Jennifer Garner doing dangerous spy things in wigs and guns, and lots of dodgy writing... Shame, as the changes they have made to the show recently have stopped me turning off. Unlike a lot of the American viewing public, though. Whoops.

I thought the idea had got lost like the dreaded American remake of 'Peepshow' but it appears the transfer of 'That Mitchell And Webb Sound' from Radio 4 to BBC2 is going ahead after all. I think it's a safe bet for the Beeb to continue the wholw 'write the radio show, rewrite as the TV show' policy as a majority of their straight to telly comedy is very very poor..

Am I am getting more intolerant in my old age? Will I eventually become my father? Call me an old bigot but I am so so so bored of people squealing about their 'human rights' in silly matters these days. Latest case in point is at Imperial College in London which has implemented a policy that students and staff must carry photo ID cards on their person and not have their faces obscured as to keep them identifiable by staff and blah blah blah. So hoodies and Islamic veils are banned. Hoodies don't need to be up indoors anyway so whatever. When I was at Uni in London we had to carry our photo ID cards and this was years ago and there wasn't an inevitable chance of another despicable act of terrorism in the capital. What's the problem? It is not so fine with the Deputy President of their student union who said ""People have happily accepted the fact that there is increased security and they have to wear their swipe cards. But they aren't happy about the hoodies. People like wearing them and when it's cold the hoods are necessary. They feel it is an infringement on freedom." Oh shall I get out my violin now? Silly stupid students! And a spokesperson for the Muslim Council Of Great Britain (Muslim council taxes? Muslim council estates? I don't get it) said about the veils/ burkhas: "We hope the university would work out some sort of arrangement so if a student does believe part of their faith requirement is to wear one they can continue with their studies. In today's world we understand there has to be security, but measures should not be so drastic as to prevent Muslim women taking up higher education, especially as they are being encouraged to do so." I don't think so! The whole burkha and excessive oppressive covering thing isn't actually in The Koran in that form anyway, and I think you'll find the sexist clothing scheme has been created and enforced by men, like the one I just quoted. I'd love to see one of these holy man types spend a week swathed in layers of unflattering black cloth with only peepholes to look out at the world through. So so sick of people imposing their agendas like this on others. While I respect anyone's choice to take up a religion, that's all well and good but the whole organised religion thing designed to control people pisses me off way too much! Bored of the need people feel to wear their religion as a badge. It would be ridiculous if I decided to be a professional out gay man and only spend my money in gay businesses, drink gay tea and gay coffee and adopt a ga uniform of some sorts. Religion is a personal matter (and a choice after all) and it's all about interpretation, which is why there are so many levels of every religion, with most people of faith being your everyday regular folks. Not all Christians burn crosses on lawns in the American Deep South, not all Catholis priests rape choirboys and not all Muslim women have to dress impractically to prove their faith. Interpretation is the key. And every time anyone is told they can't do exactly what they want by an authority figure it's not a breach of their human rights, it's authority being used! Boo fecking hoo. Take off your hoods and grow up....

Kerry 'Chipshop' Katona says: "I'd love to be in an action film and run around with guns. Being a Bond girl would be great but I don't think you will see me coming out of the water in a tiny bikini for any money!"

She always has her baps out so I don't see what problem she would have with this. Not that it would happen as her acting is worse than her singing, her clothes and her child-rearing skills put together. And then multiplied by the square root of appalling.

Girls, here's your new English teacher. Say hello to...

Mister Glitter!

Gary Glitter's excuse for the current paedo kerfuffle? He was teaching the underage girls to speak English...

Somehow I don't believe it! And I am having a Victor Meldrew day.

The X-Factor? A singing stripper who just hasn't got the range, a deathmask-faced shrill judge, a fat Corrs tribute act, a camp pantomime villain judge, a few generic R&B acts, and a rubbish leprechaun judge responsible for some truly terrible acts. Yeah... but no. Louis Walsh has done an Elton and quit. He had water poured over him by AsdaMumSharon last week and this week Simon Cowell called him an idiot in an interview. Louis said "I have been totally humiliated and undermined by both of them. This has caused me nothing but stress ... I have had enough. I'm going back to Dublin. I'm not putting up with it any more." I think it's all karma for Westlife, personally.

All publicity is good publicity in that show. Does anyone still care?

They're taking the piss now...

That Mrs Emery sketch (the one where she ends up pissing herself in a ridiculously unrealistic manner for what seems like ages) is terribly unfunny for sure, and incredibly repetitive without a doubt. It is also very offensive, said some science bit people (including Doctor Adrian Wagg of the RCP Continence Working Party ...
"Urinary incontinence is not a joke for the thousands of mainly older people affected with this embarrassing and life-destroying condition. Care for older people with continence problems is patchy at best, and many in healthcare are working hard to encourage those with the problem to seek help. Such a sketch does no one any favours."

And it's not funny, which is why I don't like it.

Project 76's newspaper of choice has thrown a wobbler, via its 'quite irritating at the best of times' columnist Johann Hari. Observe, with my helpful numbered *points :

Johann Hari: Why I hate 'Little Britain'
It is disturbing to me that this sadistic, unfunny piece of spite has captured the public imagination.
Published: 22 November 2005
Let me tell you a hilarious joke. The other day, I saw an incontinent old woman in a supermarket, and she pissed herself. OK, here's another. I saw a man get up out of his wheelchair, and he was so mentally disabled he just walked into a wall.(*1) Wait, I know this might kill you but there's one more. I saw a teenage single mum who was wearing a shell-suit and she was so thick she barely knew her own name. (*2) And she had three children. Did I mention she was thick? And fat? And spotty? Did I say she lived on benefits?
Welcome to the spleen-rupturing hilarity of Little Britain. This is a golden age of British TV comedy - The Thick of It, Chris Morris, Nighty Night(*3) , Ricky Gervais, Peep Show, Peter Kay, John Sullivan, David Renwick, Coronation Street(*4) - so it is disturbing to me that this sadistic, unfunny piece of spite has captured the public imagination. Little Britain has been a vehicle for two rich kids to make themselves into multimillionaires by mocking the weakest people in Britain. Their targets are almost invariably the easiest, cheapest groups to mock: the disabled(*5) , poor, elderly, gay or fat(*6). In one fell swoop, they have demolished protections against mocking the weak that took decades to build up...

...See?
Except he's made a few Daily Mailesque errors here. But he's got the bit about the pissing old woman being unfunny quite correct. Anyway, my responses:
(1) I assume the 'man in the whelchair' is Andy. Who in fact is not physically disabled at all, which is the whole point of the character. And since when has he been 'so mentally disabled' that he did anything like walking into a wall? He usually performs an unfunny stunt behind his oblivious carer's back... (2) Does Vicky Pollard not know her own name? And three children? I thought it was six kids by seven dads! (3) If 'Nighty Night' is part of an imagined "golden age of British TV comedy" according to him then I am sure Little Britain would offend him far less? Have you seen some of the nasty stuff in that show? (4) And 'Coronation Street' may be popular but it's hardly hilarious most of the time, now is it? It's on about six times a week and there is little quality control. (5) No disabled people were hurt during the making of this show... and (6) Little Britain: co-created by the gay and fat Matt Lucas. David Walliams is very poofy and had man boobs these days. I rest my case.

"That Johann Hari said I'm thick and fat and spoty? He's well gonna get beatins!"

So Gary Glitter may (and only a very small 'may') face a firing squad in Vietnam for his sickening crimes. Now I know his brand of theatrical glam rock with the dodgy wigs and terrible bacofoil outfits is pretty tasteless but does he really deserve to die? And can the Vietnamese authorities arrange a gig there for Westlife, with support by all the various ex-members of Blue in their solo projects? Especially Lee 'face like a rapist' Ryan with a target painted on his face? Ah, go on...


Wanna be in his gang? I strongly advise against that. Paedo freak.

Wake up, ITV! Do we really need to see Mr(s) Thatch's frumpy daughter squatting in the jungle having a piss while a dozen or so washed up old hasbeens eat bugs and shit on telly?

I suppose she's only following the family tradition of taking the piss anyway...

Man Stroke Woman? More like shit stroke poo.
Do we need another unfunny sketch show starring a mix of both women and men performing poor sketches about relationships between men and women when Channel 4 have already given us the comedy abortion that was Spoons? No we do not.
Starring... that annoying woman from 'Things To Do Before You're Thirty' (Amanda Abbington), that annoying 'on probabation' man from 'Ideal' which was a funny show though (Ben Crompton) , an appropriately named woman (Daisy Haggard) who I ain't not never seen in nuffink, that fat one who isn't Simon Pegg (Nick Frost) from Spaced (what we like), the weird woman from last week's 'Peepshow' episode (Meredith MacNeill) and Nathan Barley himself (Nicholas Burns)...

... and we lasted ten whole minutes. It would have been five if it wasn't for the biscuits and my comfy sofa.

Like 'Big Train' but rubbish. Boo hiss boo, BBC Three!

Not a lot happenned in that so-called mini-episode but we like the sidies...

Angry Liver says... George Best is still alive, but only barely! His previous liver exclusively told me it was unhappy in its relationship with him and a source close to his current 'replacement' one has reported that it too wishes to be separated from him as it just isn't working out. It would like to find a more deserving host body, keep your eyes peeled for further news...

Did somebody say "Onions!" ? How very cruel!

Oh dear.

A wheel. And an old thing.

Disappointed about the blue box in the background.

The lovely door of The Glasgow School Of Art.

We like Scotland. Even though it was fecking freezing cold and that. We went to Edinburgh for three nights and popped to Glasgow one afternoon on the train...
Celebrity watch: Either Colin or Justin walking past after some Glaswegian twat shouted 'bloody poof' or summink.
Shopping total: About five DVDs including 'Napoleon Dynamite' and 'Sideways', an old Beth Gibbons CD, a copy of 'Jimmy Corrigan' book, a new 'Strangers In Paradise' comic, a Little Britain poster, some lovely Mackintosh prints and loads of other bits.
Eating highlights: A massive burger from a delicious yet expensive Edinburgh burger place called 'Wannaburger,' far too much pizza at the cheap and tasty 'Mamma's Pizza' and some other more posh nosh at the hotel involving couscous. No haggis or nuffink.
Cultural bits: The Glasgow School Of Art, Edinburgh Castle, Children In Need's Doctor Who bit.

Castle: Old and cold but fun. Gift shop had 'magic beans' which sadly turned out to be regular jellybeans containing gelatine so they were not purchased.

Horsie!

If ye asked us if we enjoyed 'Little Britain Live' we'd have te say...





... Hyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssss!

It was very cold in ye olde Edinburgh on the night we ventured into tooon tae the theatre te see the sprites of the tellybox do their funny voices and acting like gayes on stage...

Little Britain:The Panto? I suppose it was, in many ways. Very very odd to see a huge amount of general public people queuing up to see our little radio comedy sketch show performed in the flesh on stage. I think I may be a comedy snob but I can't be all that precious about 'my' show any more as it is a huge business these days and not just with all of the merchandising opportunities. I gave in and bought a programme with a 'free' mousemat and stickers and shit but the good t-shirts weren't available there so I've ordered them online. What a mug I am, I ordered three. A mug indeed is what I also purchased at the theatre, which of course will never be drunk out of as I am one of those nerds that keeps things immaculate and that...

The actual live show? Rather good with a great way of using the stage and getting the right atmosphere across. It involves computery projection thingies as backgrounds and then these backgrounds become the linking VT between sketches, playing while a certain ex-Timelord does a bit of voiceover work. Good bits were the return of Ray McCooney (I had to start clapping before everyone else in honour of the return of this long lost local character), a scary audience participation bit with Des Kaye (again, one of the better characters who seems to have been ignored by the general public in favour of the tiresome Lou And Andy) in which some poor man got the shock of his life, and a very bizarre Vicky sketch that seemed to be a 'greatest hits' moment containing elements of many past moments with a bit of George Dawes thrown in. Fantastic! Bad bits? All the fucking streaky haired bints with their belts too loose, showing off too much of their fat arses and a bit of an ugly tattoo in the audience using their camera phones every other second. For fuck's sake! Go to see a live comedy event and watch it through a camera phone? Stupid twats! Yeah I know I took a few photos at the very end but that was in the last two minutes of the show and for this very site. AndI didn't show half my arse to anyone of have a mullet or anything else offensive so shut up or you're well gonna get beatins!

Disgusting moment of the day: On the radio some stupid evil woman from one of those 'protect the family' organisations was pretty much agreeing with the ludicrous idea from a survey in the media today that women were mostly responsible for rapes because of how they acted/ dressed/ winked/ smiled/ etc in a scary Tory Widdecombe spliced with some Taliban DNA kind of way. Quite rightly, every other person who phoned in said that she was a feckin' loon but it left a nasty image in my mind. Did the fact that this idiot was a woman make her opinions worse? I guess so. The poor woman from victim support was probably almost in tears when she was accused by this harridan of needing rapes to happen because she needs victims in order to do her job...

... I think if I saw the evil witch in question and gave her a nice kick in the shins it would be fair to say that she 'brought it on herslef' by having such evil views. It's her kind of logic so I think she would understand.

Right, we're off to bonny Scotland first thing in the morning to hunt down The Aberdoon Stook House and visit Ray McCooney at Ye Olde Hotel... Back on Monday with Little Britain tour review and photos of haggises and shit.

Hyeeeeeeeessssss..... etc

*****Lost Spoilers-ish*****



'The Other 48 Hours' (Season 2 Episode 7) is a very good episode indeed, like all of the ones of this new series. Praise the internet and the Deity that is Bit Torrent! The little clues are becoming bigger clues and the throwaway flashbacks are constantly re-evaluated by the viewer (or is it just me?) to create lots of "oh for fuck's sake!" moments... In this episode we only see a few of the 'regular' cast in the last few minutes (meaning the season 1 cast) but the impact they have on the story is quite explosive. Once again, we are in flashbackland but with day 1 starting the episode and day 48 ending it, what can it possibly all mean? Whose story is this? What is that symbol that we have seen a few times now? No mention of the numbers for a while so is the symbol the new 'numbers'? Lots and lots of death and destruction recently and either some very good longterm plotting or cheeky piss-taking is going on with the main island story. If you're watching on Channel 4 and getting bored, now is not the time to quit, last week's Sawyer episode on regular English telly is a return to form and it doesn't let you down from now on...
Question:
Who are "the others"?
Is it all really about repenting for your past?
Is it all karma?
Is it the future?
It is a Catholic Rapture thing?

What's that?
Are they in purgatory?
Is it virtual reality?
Are they all dead?
Don't go peeking!
Is it like The Matrix?
Where are the zombies?
How the feck did *** ********** survive?
What would Locke do?

I know some of the answers but I'm not telling...

It’s back once again and this time there’s an abundance of merchandise… My little fansite used to be a medium sized fish in a small pond and now it’s a literate and resonably well thought-up medium sized fish in an overcrowded pond with a lot of new lazy obvious cheap fish swimming around it… Anyway, I digress (as usual). In the first episode of series three we have the return of some old fsvourites, the introduction of some new favourites and some new stuff that’s a bit hit and miss. Less gross-out, more weirdness. Which is good for me!
Nothing can beat a good Anne sketch and the ‘Stars In Their Eyes’ was a VT highlight at the recording, causing us scary hardcore fans much faceache from the laughter. It’s stupid and funny even though it’s all very predictable but the familiarity is not a bad thing here, unlike with Bubbles where the grossness is multiplied but the amusement levels remain unchanged… Carol’s location change leads to some new scenarios for the character (witnessed again by me in the studio, on a stage round the corner from Roy’s shop) that amused me but I found Emily and Florence to be getting to that ‘Fast Show’ stage now…
Loving Sir Norman, not loving Mrs Emery. This may change in future weeks…
Poor Tony Head, the things David Walliams will make a man do for a gag!


So yeah like basically right it’s like well funny, at least as good as the ‘Hollyoaks’ omnibus and if anyone tells you anything different they’re a well stupid lesbo spacker.

At last... Grant (Morrison) and Frank (Quitely) get on with their proper jobs after that Robbie Walliams nonsense...

It's almost time...

That documentary about Take That was just on telly... I kept having Rock Profile flashbacks throughout it but it turned out Gary Barlow was living in a bad taste country mansion in Cheshire and not a hostel with Ted Robbins as a tramp. Howard Donald was not living with him and making sure that everyone was alright for nibbles, he was being a DJ in Ibiza as his own solo ablbum which was really great and had a really great lead single with a really great video never got released. And the part of Jason Orange was played by Antony Cotton off Coronation Street, who was filmed driving a 4by4 around in Spain with no seatbelt on while talking about his sleep deprivation problems. The man was a walking health and safety disaster waiting to strike!
Cue an old article from Heat magazine many moons ago. Oh, the irony or summink...

The other members of the band? Mark Owen lives with a wet dog in the Lake District and Robbie Walliams appears to have become a recluse. He doesn't like to talk about himself these days... If only that were true!

The girls were overcome with joy at the news of another greatest hits album...

There's a rather good celebrity-related photoshop competition here if you're curious.


You know you are...

Look! That over-rated actress Keira Knightley (stage name for sure?) is having a dream about 'The Wizard Of Oz'... Just like the gays do at least once a fortnight...


Vogue pics from the fantastic Just Jared Blog site

Looking good, found on that nerd site...

Yikes!

A ridiculously stupid woman who gives her poor children the most stupid of stupid names has been mentioned in The Sun...

Chauntelle (sic) Hart is 35 years old and has the following freakishly named offsprings:
Storm Cristal Brandy Tanisha Linda Genevieve Saffron Bronwen Hart, age 5.
Sonneywolferine Hart, age 1.
Also available in the range are Troy Hart, 6 , which is relatively snsible, as is Joe Hart, 7.

Chauntelle (sic) says "I like the Sonney part of it and my son Joe came up with the Wolferine (sic) because he’s a fan of the X-men. When you put the two of them together, I just think it sounds really nice. I'm happy that it's a bit unusual and I've always liked names that aredifferent and stand out a bit." (No kidding!) "They usually go 'What?' and I have to tell them again. They get used to it though and seem to quite like it." (They are being polite, dear) If Sonneywolferine had turned out to be a girl they would have called her Talin Nitrate Titanium (sounds like a drug) because "that was all down to my husband Joe. I’ve no idea how he came up with that name, it was just something he fancied."

I think the authorities need to be called round to their house. I bet it has a name as well as a road number... Any suggestions?

Name your chav baby at Chavscum.co.uk where it suggested Candice Donna for a girl and Kai Keanu for a boy. I have made a mental note for the future...

That dreadful Chav from the Iceland adverts Kerry 'please love me, look, I have lovely children and long hair and a hard life and shit' Katona has proved once again that she will do anything for a bit of cash. In her 'OK Magazine' column that is probably written by the Saturday girl anyway she says “I think lesbianism is great! This is 2005 – there are so many lesbians out there that it’s right to see it on TV. Besides, every woman has a bit of bisexuality in them. Look – a pair of lips are lips. It doesn’t matter if they belong to a girl or boy! If I was asked to go lesbian in a film I would definitely do it. I want to be an actress and if that’s what the role required I’d do it. I think a woman’s body is beautiful."

She 'wants to be an actress' does she? I think in her careers interview they missed out the bit about training and talent being more important than just wanting to have a specific career. Her 'careers' as a singer, presenter and woman in shit supermarket ad campaign have all been relatively easy but poorly executed. I think she should start with GCSE drama or somefink.

A cornucopia of bimbos for you in this week's edition...

It's ten years since Leah Betts died after a normal teenage night out in a crappy nightclub is Basildon in Essex... and has anything changed?

No.

Kids like taking drugs, it's fun* and reasonably cheap these days when compared to the cost of getting wastd on alcohol. Not that I encourage this kind of thing of course but a teenager off their face on E is a lot less ASBO-tastic than a pissed little binge-drinking chav. Statistics show that ecstacy use has slightly decreased in recent years but then I bet other newer more exciting drugs' usage has increased so it's all relative. The drugs education is there if kids want to see it, same as with alcohol and unprotected sex. Whether they choose to act upon the information is their choice but since when did teenagers ever do the sensible thing about anything?


The really sad thing is that Leah Betts died from drinking too much water with her E, which was a common misconception of 'the right thing to do when on E' at the time. All it took was one tablet... and a whole lot of water.

*Dan Project 76 does not endorse illegal drugs in any way but encourages sensible discussion.

In today's news, Westlife turned on the Christmas lights up the road from my shop but alas my sniper rifle didn't have the range (just like some of their voices) so they are still all alive and probably sitting on stools gurning right now. The furniture types, not poos or nuffink...

And in other news, The Tracy has been out stalking Ver League Of Gents again and managed to get past their security to give The Steve a rather funky teddy bear...



I really must talk to my comedy Gods when I see them out and about and not just stare at them. Maybe next time...

The Sun has 'tracked down' the other David Williams. Not the one I knew a while ago but the one who was already in Equity when that Walliams man became a thespian, therefore instigating him changing the i to an a... David Williams the actor is 67 years old and says "I do enjoy Little Britain. My favourite sketch is when David Walliams goes into the toyshop, and the man behind the counter shouts to his wife. 'Margaret!' The man behind the counter looks like me! And my wife is called Margaret! Friends have often commented on the similarities."



It is very amusing. And uncanny...

... It's officially fucking cold now and I have actually wanted the central heating on, which plays havoc with my sinuses but what-evah! Today was a weird day. A woman asked me a really stupid question about the trains at the tube station, implying that she didn't even know what line she was about to travel on, let alone where she even was. Weird. Monday must be half day closing at the freak house... A very rude woman wearing giant earmuffs which made her shout and completely igonre me at the same time, while carrying (even cradling) a reasonably small dog that could stand prefectly well on its own (and I blame Paris Hilton for this trend, the stupid spoilt whore) did not realise that she wasn't actually having a conversation with me as I was in a position where I could not actually see her (behind a counter, head buried in a drawer near the gound) and got the pip when she assumed I was ignoring her, even though she was only just shouting randomly anyway and not actually participating in anything resembling what earthlings call 'a conversation.' Once this was dealt with... cue the proper schizophrenic lady who was screaming at me (or rather at the space around me) the other day through the window but now she was actually interracting by asking me a silly question and then shrieking like a banshee dancing like a dad at a wedding (she pulled some pretty fly funky shapes) when I found it impossible to answer. By then I wanted a cocoon to live in. But no such luck... I love my job but I think about 37% of the public on Oxford Street need a small room with padded walls. Or some of that special red string to keep away the 'evil eye.'

Kaballocks says: READ THE BOOK THAT EVERYONE IS WEARING!
Discover the ancient technology that empowers and fuels the hugely popular Red String, the most widely recognized tool of Kabbalistic wisdom. Yehuda Berg, author of the international best-seller The 72 Names of God: Technology for the Soul, continues to reveal the secrets of the world’s oldest and most powerful wisdom with his new book, The Red String: The Power of Protection. Discover the antidote to the negative effects of the dreaded “Evil Eye” in this second book of the Technology for the Soul series. Find out the real power behind the Red String and why millions of people won’t leave home without it. It’s all here. Everything you wanted to know about the Red String but were afraid to ask!

*NEW...The Red String Package comes with a copy of Yehuda Berg's best-selling Red String Book. Wearing the string is not enough - you have to know why you're wearing it. The Red String protects us from the influences of the Evil Eye. Evil Eye is a very powerful negative force. It refers to the unfriendly stare and unkind glances we sometimes get from people around us. According to Kabbalah, the critical need to confront the problem of negative influences cannot be underestimated. Kabbalah teaches us that we can remove intrusive negative influences by using tools such as the Red String!

I swear that was not made up by me. It's their sales pitch!

Another Christmas, another load of houses in that grotty bit round the corner turn themselves into 'tasteful' grottos... but not quite yet, probably. Stay tuned for more on that and undoubtably some photos from the chavscum website's special Crimbo section if they do one again like last year. Celebrity Xmas freaks are alredy planning theirs though and judging by the tastefulness of her wedding, Jordan's house would win the Ultimate Christmas Chav House award hands down. In a tabloid today, the Sunkist one says "It’s our first Christmas together as one big family. We’re sparing no expense turning the house into a fairytale winter wonderland. Me and Pete went to a garden centre the other day and saw the reindeer decked out with all the Christmas lights. We loved it and thought it would look perfect going up the drive.” I think it won't, Jordan.


You want one? Buy it online at the chavshop!

New Doctor Who thing is coming very soon. Picture from David-Tennant.com ...
It's for charidee... Children In Need, Friday, BBC1 at some time between 9 and half past nine...

Oh it must be so hard being on the telly for a few weeks. It ruins your life because you have no idea that people are going to be watching your every move and judging you when you agree to go on a reality TV show. And then when you go back into the real world the only way to cope with the pressure of having been on telly for a few weeks where you acted mostly like a twat is to blot it all out by bingeing on alcohol and cocaine and shit. I hope I don't ever get famous or my life would surely be destroyed...

That awful tit witch Lesley who appeared on 'Big Brother' for about ten minutes this Summer has been bleating that it 'ruined her life.' Aren't they all saying that this year? So I guess there will be no show next year as people will not want to ruin their lives? Lesley, who dressed mostly like a whore and acted like a pig for two weeks told a tabloid newspaper that "Big Brother ruined my life and turned me into a hate figure. I thought cocaine was the only way to block out the pain. Before Big Brother I had never touched drugs. Now I've come through that terrible time but I know I could have ended up on a mortuary slab." She added: "One night I drank 25 vodka shots in half an hour. I also downed four double vodkas and red bull and three Malibus, then a bottle of wine. I couldn't even stand. I am utterly ashamed." How careless! She wasn't very clued up about coke neither: "The dealer came to their house. I went downstairs and gave him the money on the doorstep. I paid £120 for four grams. I planned to take it the lot in one go. Looking back, I realise that could have killed me." Whoops!

Being a 'celebrity' seems to have ruined Nichola Holt's life too. Remember her? The bald lezbo spaker artist from the first 'Big Brother'? Another tabloid has revealed that she is now a ropey hooker! In a hotel with a reporter she told him "I'll do full sex for £140. We can do anything you like for that. Normally I work at home so much during the day I haven't got the energy to do outside calls. I'm doing half-hour sessions all the time. I get a lot of people in and I can finish them off in 20 minutes. This week I'm hoping to do enough work to buy a car. I always set myself a target." At least she has a good head for business, if you'll excuse the pun.




See? It ruins lives!

Evil child murdering piece of scum Ian Huntley is allegedly trying it gaywise in his jail, The Sunday Mirror has exclusively revealed... And how was he going to get any other kind of action, I hear you ask? The article mentions this and then rehashes all the bad things we already know about him, including how he believed the girls' deaths were both accidents (even Vicky Pollard wouldn't try that excuse) and that whole other thing about Maxine Carr. Must have been a quiet news day then, as there is no news in this story, just a reminder of one sick individual who should be locked up for life being used by lazy journalists for a shock horror headline.

Huntley explained his newfound love for cock and bum fun as "If you're thirsty enough, you'll drink p***." But has he developed a craving for the music of Hazell Dean?

I love the Hazell Dean message board. Why? Well try this example:

Saturday 07/09/2005 6:40:48pm
Name: ?
Homepage URL:
http://www.htmlgear.tripod.com/guest/control.guest?
Referred By: Just Surfed In Location: ?
Comments:
YOU HAVE TO BE ONE OF THE RUDEST LESBIANS I HAVE EVER MET

That's a real comment on there. So is this:

Wednesday 12/10/2003 6:12:31am
Name: Hazel Dean Fan E-Mail: nicholascooper88@hotmail.com
Homepage Title: HDF
Homepage URL:
http://htmlgear.tripod.com/guest/www28.brinkster.com/spamboyz/hdf.htm
Referred By: Just Surfed In Location: Camberley
Comments:
HAZEL DEAN RULES. I LIKE TO LOOK AT PICTURES OF HER A LOT. SHE IS THE GREAT POP STAR. MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD THINK SHE IS THE BEST. EVERYBODY ELSE IS IDIOT.

...and there's more:

Saturday 06/07/2003 12:18:30am
Name: Hairybear E-Mail: martinpursey@hotmail.co.uk
Referred By: Search Engine
Comments:
I have recently lost all my Hazell Dean Records due to a house fire, I have just bought Hazells greatest hits sp I can at least hear some of her more commercial sounds. Whre can I go to find her albums etc. HMV were as helpful as a chocolate teapot. GO HAZELL!

Mental? Try this:

Sunday 05/19/2002 7:55:35am
Name: joey E-Mail: omri80uk@yahoo.co.uk
Referred By: Just Surfed In Location: london
Comments:
i bought a hd greatest hits (for £1.50)a year ago and i have to say that it's the worst record i own.the tunes are as weak as water and the vocals strained - the only potentially good tune - they say its gonna rain - is ruined by a silly chant.

... Oh well, can't please everyone I suppose. I personally cannot listen to or even see a photograph of Hazell Dean without getting scary flashbacks to provincial gay clubs and wet miserable gay prides from the nineties and that can never be what you would call a good thing in my book. I don't have a book of such but I do have lots of ones written by other people. None of them are about Hazell Dean though...

Eeeeeeeeek! It's Gay Pride 1993! Help!

Is this the ultimate 'marketing shit to the gays' item ever?

It's 'Hazell Dean Sings The Songs Of Abba' ...

Dafydd would be in gay heaven with this for Christmas! Of course he'd have to pretend he didn't like it and it would be revealed that the whole of the village had bought themselves copies years ago, knew all the words and had invented complicated dance routines for each of the songs.

Good day!

After watching Popworld today I felt quite quesy and it was because of that Michelle Heaton from rubbish pop act Liberty X. This woman seems to have her (badly enhanced?) boobs hanging out constantly and no doubt is right now wearing a skimpy top even though it is fookin' cold outside. Those two pert yet saggy things looked like oranges as they also had a tangerine hue to them. Please please please put them away! And the face! Has she had a stroke or does she always look like that? And this is meant to be a beautiful woman? The poor cow had no personality to match the lack of style and looked like she'd been asked to recite the entire pi number or summik when asked a question that was more complicated than "tell me about your celebrity relationship with that bloke whose sister was in Steps?"

It usually takes two to tango but Michelle got that authentic orange look by herself.

So Jamie Oliver slaughtered a lamb on telly to show where those nice lamb cutlets or whatever they call them come from. Cue a load of hysterical people going mental like he slit the throat of the ghost of Princess Diana or sumfink. As a vegetarian I don't mind him doing this at all if it gets people all upset and makes them realise what they are eating. My favourite public barometer, The Daily Mail Readers' Comments Page, had some fun things on it. So here they are...


"...repulsed and sickened and the likeable character I so admired before has changed into a despicable human being who's books I shall never buy and programmes I will never watch any more." - Sue, Derbyshire, UK

"What next on our TVs? Live executions of people?" - Janice, Doncaster, UK

"I didn't see this programme but just reading about it makes me retch. Channel 4 is well known for being risqué at times but this is taking it too far." - Donna, Luton, UK

"Having had a busy day at work we are eating supper at this time. Despite turning off the programme as soon as we realised we he actually going to slit the lamb's throat, we all felt quite sick and ended up binning supper." - Carol, Northants, UK

"This is barbarous and medieval, inexcusable and irresponsible.Why do we tolerate stupid celebrities?" - Claire Robertson, England

"I used to be a huge fan of Jamie Oliver until this. He should be ashamed of himself. I will no longer be buying his books, or watching his programmes." - Katie, Sheffield

"This is disgusting! Reading about the fact that it’s been a tradition for thousands of years makes no difference to me. I don't want to see it on my TV and see a chef performing the horrible act. Cooking meat is one thing, killing is quite another. It’s just an excuse for him to relieve himself of the guilt. My Jamie Oliver cook book is going in the dustbin tonight." - Charlotte, Oxford, UK

Oh what a kerfuffle!

Oh not again!

Those pesky tabloids with their slightly innaccurate headlines! Billie Piper is playing Rose throughout the new series, as planned all along. She has decided she will not be back for a third year, as expected. So what's the exclusive story then? Fuck all, that's what!

It looks likely that the Curse Of Dan's Favourite Shows On Fox Network has struck again... Fox have cut their order of episodes for series 3 of 'Arrested Development' from 22 to just 13!

'Kitchen Confidential' looks doomed too. Americans are stupid and the only comedy shows to get the big ratings to survive are crappy predictable shit like 'Will And Grace' or 'Friends.'

There's a great new (to me) 'Arrested' fansite... when you click on that link...



The Blue Men (the real ones) are coming to London so maybe now Tobias will have his chance to actually use some of that blue body paint...

Pinch-faced boyband schmucks with a splicing of leprechaun DNA Westlife are turning on the Oxford Street Christmas lights next week. It's probably all they are capable of turning on, the stool-loving granny-flustering trolls. Does anyone know how to fiddle with switches so that they cause enough of an electric shock to maim say four people but not quite kill them? I could pop out of my shop for five minutes and assist if needed. Anyone? No?

We went to the filming of episode six of 'The I.T Crowd' tonight ( some nerds working in an I.T department with a stupid female boss and a mad man in charge of the company. Cue lots of shouting, monkey posters and visual gags) and had both high hopes and some fears (which almost sounds like a Keane album, oh dear) as it was created by Graham Linehan who was half of the team behind the geniuslike 'Father Ted' and 'Big Train', he directed the 'Little Britain' TV pilot and co-created the rubbish sitcom 'Hippies' in the olden days. He also has connections with 'The Day Today' which led to a role in this new thing for Chris Morris, and was in 'Garth Merenghi's Darkplace' which happened to star, was directed by and also written by Richard Ayoade (who has always annoyed the hell out of me) who is also in this new thing... along with the obligatory Irishman Chris O'Dowd (not bad just given bad material) and an actress named Katherine Parkinson who seemed to be channelling Olivia Colman but in a bad way ... you get the idea...
Now 'Garth Merenghi' had some appearances by the Mighty Boosh (who we love) and luckily for us the fantastic Noel Fielding from The Boosh turned up tonight to save the day. Just as I was seriously contemplating going for a wee and taking my coat, never to return (as a few audience members had already done) on came Noel as the goth who works in the other office. In full goth makeup (although the character believed otherwise) and outfit of course. In a sitcom filled with poor acting and unfunny lines this was what was needed and we stayed until the end. Hurrah!


Old old pics nicked off Chortle, a veritable feast of comedy shit there....

Bored of the endless ripoff new versions of things you've already bought?
How about the reissue of 'Want 1' and 'Want 2' by Rufus Wainwright?
They were released a year apart as separate CDs although they were originally intended to be a double album but that idea was shelved. So was I surprised to find out that a double disc version now titled simply 'Want' is coming out in a few weeks? With two new songs on it? I 'Want' a fucking refund!


I 'Want' some choclit now. And a nice cup of tea...

Something weird looking has arrived at The Doctor Who Website today...


Hmmm... I like that it's got those 'old skool' eyes from the 1960s but it looks like it's wearing silver trousers, which is a cyberfashion faux pas.

Little Britain's Letty took over my evening when I began creating her forthcoming page for the site. There are many real- life Froggie fanatics who make her seem relatively sane...

I took the scenic route home, and by that I mean a detour up and then back down the long cul-de-sac where all the rich people live. There were three 4by4s down there so I got to put my leaflets on their windscreens with glee. Not that they'll read them, consider the facts or even care but you gotta do what you can to make a change. Next goal: Women to get the vote!

Today's random rude person-inspired catchphrase: "Where is it? Draw me a map!"

The Sun may be shit for news but it does have the best stupid stories, especially ones that revolve around Little Britain...

STUNNED Stephen Ireland was ridiculed by a bank worker for looking like Little Britain star Matt Lucas. The marketing consultant was told “Computer says no” — a line straight from the show — when he asked for a bank card. When Stephen, 21, insisted he should be given the cheque guarantee card the NatWest advisor, mimicking Vicky Pollard, said: “Yeah but no but, yeah but no but.” The laughing bank man told Stephen, who is gay, he looked like “that gay guy from Little Britain” but was “much fatter”. In front of the packed branch in Eastleigh, Hants, the banker added: “Yes, you’re a fatter version of Matt Lucas.” Other customers in the queue squirmed and Stephen had to restrain his furious partner, James Joell, 20. Stephen, who burst into tears when he left, said: “I just couldn’t believe how rude and unprofessional he was.“I’m a big fan of Little Britain and find it very funny. But I don’t think I look much like Matt. “I do get kids saying the catchphrases at me in the street. I can understand that — but not trained bank staff.” When Stephen got home, he called NatWest to complain. He said: “I explained what had happened but the advisor on the phone burst into hysterics. I called again three days later and there was no record of my complaint.” But spokeswoman for NatWest Mary Taylor said: “We take such allegations extremely seriously and we have launched an investigation. “Such behaviour, if proven, is totally unacceptable and will not be tolerated.” ...

Stephen was so upset, he had to pose for a series of photographs in the style of a Little Britain character leading to further ridiculing by The Sun's readers. The fool! Here he is, looking like a fatter ginger version of Dafydd. Does he put a cheap price on his self-respect? Computer says of course he does.

It's that new Madonna album. Off the internet! For free... Cos it's a bit crappy except for the ABBA song. I think she and her team of Kabballocks marketing folks have used every trick in the 'marketing to gays' pamphlet. But do the gays really enjoy twaddley songs with some chanting that sounds like a man singing 'Im Nin Alu' by Ofra Haza (from the olden days of dance music) to a disco beat?

"Ring ring ring goes the telephone
The lights are on, but no one's home,
Tick tick tock, it's a quarter to two,
And I'm done. I'm hanging up on you" sang Madonna. In a pink leotard.


Would you buy a used red string off this woman?
How about some special Kabbalah bottled water?
Why is she in a phone box with Iggy and Bootsy?
Are you sure you don't want some string?

Question! It's all very well wanting to hold terror suspects for ninety days before charging them but surely the intelligence services can't be that incompetent to need to keep people locked away without evidence for that long? But then they didn't even twig about the July bombers in London until it was too late so would the proposed change in the law have made any difference then? Answer: No.

Question! Is it pot calling kettle black when Sharon (face made by Tony Hart, hair by Anne from Little Britain and voice from a novelty balloon) moans about Madonna looking like "an old hooker"? Answer: Is the Pope a Nazi? Sorry...Catholic?

Question! Is it lazy journalism for the tabloid press to focus on the case of Nicola Edgington, wanted in connection with her mother's murder, to focus on a remark her very upset sister made at a press conference and now refer to her as a 'chav killer.'
Answer? Yes. She's a cold hearted murdering bitch. If she did it. Which she probably did.
I am bored of hooded tops being blamed for crime too. What about low-cut jeans? They show arse crack and make me want to kill somebody...

Question! Does the story that Paris Hilton may have been bullied at school make her any less of a pointless vapid anti-role model whore? Answer: What do you think?

Anne made a spot of lunch before her appointment with Sharon Osbourne...

More Sharon on Madonna: "And writing those painful silly books and reading them to your kids! If my mum came to me with a book like that I'd say, 'F***ing stick it up your a***'. F***ing English Roses - b*****ks."

That man in charge of China is visiting ye olde Englande and, quite rightly, people aren't very pleased. That China place has a rather shitty human rights record and their environmental record ain't so hot neither. Except it will be soon, what with global warming and shit. And Tibet? Don't even go there! I mean, I would go there but don't tell Hu Jintao that your face shows you're bovvered about that specific issue. I assume the people who sit outside the Chinese Embassy all day and night will have got some of their mates round to bump up the numbers, and quite rightly so. Unlike China, we can still cause a kerfuffle about things we don't like very much. And that includes Maddona, Sharon Osbourne and a rude man with a bad wig searching for an out of print dictionary but that's another story or three...


Prince Philip was unimpressed. The Queen was much better at waving than Hu Jintao. She is an expert waver, as was her mother before her and her mother's mother. Well, they didn't do fuck all else most of the time so I am sure that they all passed their waving GCSE with no cheating...

I have no idea how Wolvie will get out of this one...

Ultimate Hulk vs Ultimate Wolverine, coming soon from Marvel Comics. Written by Damon Lindelof, who just happens to be the co-creator of that spooky island-based show 'Lost.'

With optional Mama Cass soundtracked variant cover? I doubt it.

Top crank psychic Derek Acorah (stage name?) has always entertained me with his Butlins Redcoat brand of psychic powers. Everything is oh so dramatic and he appears to feel real pain when contacting the spirits that live everywhere and are forever fiddling with the lights. Unsurprisingly, I was hardly shocked when I read about how a parapsychologist (whatever that is) crewmember called Ciaran from TV's 'Most Haunted' has talked to a tabloid newspaper about how Mister Acorah makes things up and is as psychic as my organic bran flakes, which I thought I wouldn't like but were actually quite nice. And healthy... Here's some highlights of the article in question:

"As we walked into the bedroom, Derek touched the bed and came out with extremely accurate information. He insisted he got all the information just from touching the bed. But it was the wrong bed."

Antix Productions claims the mediums have no idea where they will be filming or know any details about the history of the locations. But Ciaran says: "Derek must have had prior knowledge of the locations." While on a shoot at Bodmin gaol Ciaran invented a long-dead South African jailer called Kreed Kafer - an anagram of Derek Faker. "I wrote the name down and asked another member of the crew to mention it to Derek before filming. "I honestly didn't think Derek would take the bait. But during the filming he actually got possessed by my fictional character!"

Ciaran says: "In my professional opinion we're not dealing with a genuine medium.
"When Derek is possessed he is doing it consciously - all we are seeing is showmanship and dramatics."

The Mirror confronted Derek Acorah with Ciaran's allegations. He told us: "I've worked with Ciaran for many shows and he's got every right to say what he says. "However, it does shock and surprise me. Not only do I believe that I am a genuine medium - I live my work 24 hours a day. If I thought that I wasn't a true medium, I wouldn't work as one."

Derek has a spirt cuide called Sam who is an Ethiopian from over 2000 years ago. He has written an article about Sam on his site and here's a taster:
"Long into that night we spoke to each other. Sam explained to me that the impressions and images that I had been receiving over all the years of my development regarding my past life in Ethiopia were "flash backs" to a time gone by when we had travelled together after the loss of my family in a village feud. He told me that he was fulfilling the promise he made 2000 years ago when he said that he would be my guiding influence from the heavenly side; that he wold never forsake that young boy who had given his life in order that Masumai might eat. But why "Sam" and not "Masumai" you ask yourself. The reason is simple. It is Sam's wish that he be known by that name and not by the ancient name of "Masumai" of those long ago days in Ethiopia. He knew that I would be reincarnated into a white, Western world and would not go back to the country where we both met."

Leslie Feist is pretty cool and her CD from last year (I think. It seems ages ago) was in my brain for a while. I found a new version of 'Mushaboom' with a quicktime video on't'internet at Cliptip which appears to be a music video blogsite. The video just goes to show how important it is not to chase after flying toast then it pops out of your toaster and flies out the window...


Feist has been heard on Nip/Tuck recently as someone who chooses the music for that show is some kind of dude. They also use Elbow a lot, and Rufus Wainwright. Nip/Tuck recommendation: Don't watch it when eating your lunch, especially when the episode involves surgically removing a giant obese lady from the sofa that she is fused to after not getting off it for three years. Weepy skin covered in sores being sliced with a scalpel is not appetising!

Forthcoming real TV from hell: An occasional feature by me from going through the listings of forthcoming shows off that Custard website. Whay are these things being made and shown on a telly near you soon?

Making Slough Happy autumn 2005, BBC2 – Four-part observational documentary about a social experiment that discovers whether a group of experts really can make people happier. Five 'happiness experts' – psychologist Dr Richard Stevens; psychotherapist Brett Kahr; Richard Reeves, whose expertise spans philosophy, public policy and economics; work place specialists Jessica Pryce-Jones and Philippa Chapman; and social entrepreneur Andrew Mawson – put ground-breaking research into practice with a group of volunteers from Slough. The happiness levels of the subjects will be measured before, during and after the end of the project to assess whether the team's methods have been effective.

Grownups 2005, BBC3 – Sitcom starring Sheridan Smith (of Two Pints of Lager fame) as 26-year-old Michelle, who is fed up with being single and can't decide whether to settle down and concentrate on her career or carry on partying. All her friends in Manchester's Northern Quarter face similar dilemmas. With Fiona Wass as Michelle's beautician friend Claire, OT Fagbenle as Michelle's boyfriend Dean, Rob Rouse as Michelle's brother Mike who comes to stay when he is thrown out by their parents, and Steven Meo as Mike's best friend Grant, who is infatuated with Michelle. Written by Susan Nickson and Stephen McCrum, the creators of Two Pints of Lager And A Packet of Crisps.

My Childhood autumn 2005, BBC3 – In order to discover more about their adult selves, six celebrities journey back to their childhoods. A psychologist aids them as they travel backwards, and analyses their memories and interpretations of pivotal events. Subjects include Janet Street-Porter and Anthony Worrall Thompson.

It Ain’t Half Racist Mum 2005, Channel 4 – Examining how television has dealt with the issue of race.

Take That For the Record Wednesday 16 November 2005, ITV1 – Robbie Williams, Gary Barlow, Mark Owen, Jason Orange and Howard Donald reunite for a one-off performance and to look back at their time together which ended when the boyband split a decade ago after selling 25 million albums. Also features fly-on-the-wall footage filmed by the band and contributions from manager Nigel Martin Smith.

The Generation Game Christmas 2005, BBC – One-off revival of the Saturday night institution, hosted by Graham Norton.

Married to the Prime Minister Channel 4 – Cameras follow Cherie Blair on her daily round of duties, including her legal commitments, her charity functions and her travels abroad with her husband. Blair also meets the spouses of previous Prime Ministers, Clarissa Eden, Mary Wilson and Norma Major.

Finders Keepers 2005, ITV1 – Jeff Brazier becomes host of the ITV game show.

Sadly not Paris Hilton the famous stupid spoilt whore but the capital city of France. Silly people.

The Mirror have Rose West on their cover today. She's had a make over in jail, where she will rot for the rest of her natural life. The Mirror describes Rose's new look as such: ' Frumpy Rose, 51, has trimmed her hair to a shorter, neater style and has lost two stone.She has also replaced her bulky glasses for NHS contact lenses and wears pastel colours. A source at her cushy Middlesex jail said: "West has made a real effort to clean up her appearance. She's lost about two to three stone, got rid of those horrible glasses and spends cash she earns cleaning and serving food on make-up. She doesn't look like the crazy serial killer we all remember and appears quite respectable. But she's shown no remorse. She's ice cold." '

So what have we learnt here?

You can give an evil sick murdering witch some contact lenses, pastel shades and some new make up but even zjuzzing up her hair doesn't change the fact that she killed loads of people and will rot in hell.

The Little Britain On The Radio tin is out and very nice it is too...
You get the 3 disc sets each for series one and two which are the same as the ones that were out before but in a jewel case design rather than digipack, and without the added interviews on their respective third discs. As a bonus, and reason to get it in the first place for me, you get a DVD with two recording sessions filmed on Matt's video camera (ahhh, The Drill Hall!) and a CD with all sorts of precious things that I am saving for later. As I am a jammy bastard who got my previous Radio CDs for nowt off the Beeb I paid for this tin and would marry it if it was a person. Bargainy price of £25ish on Play.com.

The Daily Mail find domestic violence amusing and have got the Saturday boy to write an 'hilarious' parody of Eastenders because those two fat baldie bruisers got hit by their partners. It is hiiiiilarious. Not. See?

We join the scene in the Queen Vic, where Square gangster Johnny Allen is confronting Peggy Mitchell.
JOHNNY: I warned you not to mess with me Peggy. But beneath those increasingly ludicrous wigs, you haven't got the brains you were born with have you? Now you're going to pay...
PEGGY: Who do ya think you're talking to? My boys ain't gonna let you speak to me like that! Grant! Phil!
[Grant and Phil enter the pub and approach the bar]
GRANT: Barcadi Breezer, please Trace, and a J2O for Phil.
PHIL: Make that a diet J20, please luv.
PEGGY: Did you 'ear what he said to me? Knock his bleedin' lights out!
GRANT: Leave it, mum.
PEGGY: You wot? Phil! Make his face look like Robbie Jackson's!
PHIL: I've just done me nails, mum. Besides, Grant's just got the Sound of Music out on DVD and we're 'eading over to Minty's for a quiet night.
PEGGY: Eh? What's up with you two? You're Mitchells, not mincers.
JOHNNY: Looks like your boys have gone soft, Peggy.
PHIL: Got your mobile, Grant? Looks like this could turn nasty.
GRANT: It's alright bruv, I've got 999 on speed dial. Just in case.
JOHNNY: Them two are about as hard as The Sun crossword. Come 'ere you blonde...
[Pat Evans walks into the bar]
PAT: Back off, Johnny.
JOHNNY: Alright mate, take it easy. No bother. I ain't messing with that.
[Cue drumroll and credits].
I think a proper newspaper should delve into the various conspiracy theories behind two famous people in the same job both being involved in pretty much identical kerfuffles in the same day and blah blah blah, but that would be proper investigative journalism and not cheap shots.

Did you laugh? Here's what an idiot had to say:
That pretend storyline is hilarious! Good job Mail!- Anthony McKay, Somerset, UK.
What a tit.
Now this is much funnier...
Good bike!

George Bush is a bad man. Everyone knows this except the American voters but even they are catching up with the rest of the world now, according to a new poll shown in The Guardian (55% of Americans think the president "intentionally misled the American public" in making the case for war, and 60% now believe it was not worth fighting) which of course has its own agenda but what the heck, he's a dangerous buffoon in charge of the world's only superpower. He is actively hated in Argentina where several thousand people turned up to protest about him, including a certain cheating ex-cokefiend ex-size of a house footballer whose name is almost the same as that halfwit in a leotard with red string...


"I'm proud as an Argentine to repudiate the presence of this human trash, George Bush" said that Maradonna bloke. Which is pretty cool. He then also shouted out "Argentina has its dignity! Let's throw Bush out of here!".

Maradonna has his own chat show. I wonder if it is available on Bit Torrent. I didn't know that he even knew the word "repudiate."

Been in the pub for 4 hours after work! Yes, 4 hours. So this is what happened:




Don't even ask...

I love Outpost Gallifrey which is the best unofficial Doctor Who site by far ...

At last we have a new British comedy series that is funny! Broken News is one of those spoofs of news programming but in quite fast modern chunks with lots of cutting between the pretend news channels and presenters, all of which are a bit weird. For instance, we have the ESN Standing News with Melanie Bellamy, which is uncannily like those modern news reports where they stand up and walk around, except that she has a load of steps to walk up, down and around. Weird. The SO News Entertainment news features our favourite Lucy Porter (other Lucy Porters are unavailable) and a ridiculous camp American gossip reporter who says things like "Oh. My. Gawwwddd!!!!!!!! It's HUGE… this is a HUGE story!!!" all the time. Just like those GMTV kind of people, I would imagine. The local news segment called Look Out East is particularly bizarre, with the expected pointless local stories and a rubbish bantering weatherman who never actually reads the weather. And so on and so on. Excellent stuff.


From the creators of 'People Like Us' and 'Absolute Power' so you know it's good stuff.

According to The Independent, Channel 4 wants to relaunch its Friday night comedy night fing. Well, they have bought 'My Name Is Earl' so that's a good start as it's great, and they're going to use 'The I.T Crowd' as part of this plan. As we're seeing some of that show being filmed next week I will soon know whether Friday nights will be rather funny again. Or not.

Here's that Indie Article:
' Channel 4 is to attempt to revive its once-successful "Friday night comedy" slot with new American and homegrown sitcoms for its winter schedules. The channel is hoping that new comedies such as The IT Crowd and My Name Is Earl will strengthen its Friday night viewing figures after the slump caused by the ending of the hit US comedy series, Friends. The IT Crowd, which is written by Graham Linehan, the creator of Father Ted, centres on a group of computer geeks and their working lives in the murky basement of a glamorous company. A Channel 4 spokeswoman described it as a "surreal look at the underclass of a company". My Name Is Earl has become an overnight hit with American audiences. Kevin Lygo, the director of television at Channel 4, said: "For as long as one can remember, Friday nights feature US sitcoms as well as our own. I hope it is going to anchor our Friday nights. We all want to see a nice shiny sitcom on Channel 4 and now we have got it." The series stars Jason Lee as a criminal who is prompted to change his life after winning the Lottery. '

"nothing heals me like you do" sang Heather Nova on her song 'London Rain.' Silly moo had probably never got soaked to the skin at 6:30 in the morning trying to get to the tube and I didn't fully dry off til 10. Bloody roads and paths full of puddles and 4by4s splashing people, delayed trains, random permanent darkness (where was the daylight exactly today?) and a great big security alert made my day proper shit. And the fact that I couldn't even phone the local branch of the bank where the shop has an account because all calls are now rerouted to a halfwit in the third world sitting in a plastic tupperware container armed with only a dictionary with half the pages ripped out and a faulty hearing aid didn't make my day any easier. I gave up on the phone and walked to the bank in person, with a spring in my step. I learnt that when they fill the cash machines up they close the big metal front doors of the bank and you have to stay inside and wait til they're done and make small talk about Jamie fucking Oliver with the woman with the door keys. I bet Heather Nova never had to do that either or she would never have sang that song.

Look! A painting called 'Rain in Oxford Street' by Val Painting. I bet that's not her real name.

Little Britain tickets for their London run next year go on sale tomorrow from this link. Oh yes. A day before the proles if the link works. And, I quote, 'Little Britain Live runs at the Hammersmith Carling Apollo from October 3rd to October 21st 2006. Show starts at 8pm.' So there. Exclusive! As are these new characters...


Sir Norman and family (very funny) , Letty (weird) and Sid (bonkers and funny).

Am I too old to buy the new NME? It's got them funny men on the cover!

Things that would be good presents for Christmas. Oh so many precious things on the internet so here's the first in an occasional series...

The C.H.I.P.S t-shirt from 8Ball. Totally retro and it's where I got my Jimmy Saville one from...

The new Kate Bush CD. Even though there is a song called 'Pi' on there in which she recites the numbers that make up pi in a Kate Bush wibbly wobbly style. It's rather a grower of an album and I have actually already ordered it so don't need it for Christmas anyway... And when googling for a picture of Ms Bush I found one that had her name , sort of, but was more of a description of the pic. And it was not about pruning in a garden. Yikes!

And finally, some comedy DVDs. Ideal is the BBC Three weird northern comedy drug dealer thing which I quite liked. Worth a look at, I fink. As is Peepshow, from Channel 4. Freaks, basically, in a paranoid dark sitcomy thing. As is The Smoking Room. Well, freaks for sure but not so paranoid as the smoking is mostly of the legal kind. This is Jamie Project 76's favourite comedy show ever. And I quite like it too.

The Independent (Project76's paper of choice) has a stress test online. It's one of those 'If you answered mostly A' things but may stress you out as there are a lot of questions...
e.g.

8 .You're shattered but you still have all the housework to do. Do you
a) Ignore it because you're so busy but hate yourself because you live in a slum
b) Put on something impossibly camp like Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" and do it as fast as possible
c) Get your flatmate to pay for a cleaner

etc.

I have 'a healthy work/life balance.' At last!

You know that mad advert where the man fills his car with laydee mannequins and one of them gets so excited by the car that their plastic nipples become erect? It's very silly but harmless, or so I thought until The Guardian revealed that 425 people had complained to The Advertising Standards Authority. Although they believed it was "offensive, demeaned women and was unsuitable for children" but the ASA didn't take it too seriously, saying that it was "based on mildly sexual material and was not excessively explicit". Silly people.


The all new Mazda 5. Surprisingly stimulating. And that.

It seems that the film Nicolas Cage is making with Oliver Stone is a remake of The Village People's 'Can't Stop The Music' or sumfink. And yes, I am ashamed that I didn't have to even look that up on Google...

Actually it's a film about 9-11.

No, not the diminutive boyband with the 2 (yes, out of a total of 3) non-singing dancer members.

I do so wish that bloody marvellous artist Frank Quitely would get on with his next comic / graphic novel project rather than getting paid a no doubt small fortune to do loads of art for Robbie 'Walliams' Williams' new distinctly average album project. Grrr...


Where's that next issue of 'Superman' then? Eh?

Our Other Blogs

• That Mitchell & Webb Log
• Blog Statistics
• Dan's on Facebook
• ...so is Jamie
• ...so is our blog!

Favourite Blogs

• Talk About The Passion
• Christopher Bate
• Enemies of Reason
• XO
• A Boy Like Thom
• Life Is Cock
• Out On Blue Six
• Catherine Bray
• Further Adventures of Boz
• So anyway,
• Naivety Succeeds
• spEak You’re bRanes
• Moody Places
• Michael Dennis
• Sheena Beaston
• Angry Who Fan
• Adem (with an E)
• Mailwatch
• Dreams of Pavement
• Panic Monkey
• Ben Baker
• Old cheeser
• Jamie Ross
• crunch boy
• Kylie (not that one)
• Fizzy Pop
• Worrapolava
• New Planet
• Secret Identity
• Quietly Typing
• Czech Out
• Paul Cornell
• Hulk!

More Links

• Comedy!
• BBC News
• Talk to us!

ARCHIVES

• July 2004
• August 2004
• September 2004
• October 2004
• November 2004
• December 2004
• January 2005
• February 2005
• March 2005
• April 2005
• May 2005
• June 2005
• July 2005
• August 2005
• September 2005
• October 2005
• November 2005
• December 2005
• January 2006
• February 2006
• March 2006
• April 2006
• May 2006
• June 2006
• July 2006
• August 2006
• September 2006
• October 2006
• November 2006
• December 2006
• January 2007
• February 2007
• March 2007
• April 2007
• May 2007
• June 2007
• July 2007
• August 2007
• September 2007
• October 2007
• November 2007
• December 2007
• January 2008
• February 2008
• March 2008
• April 2008
• May 2008
• June 2008
• July 2008
• August 2008
• September 2008
• October 2008
• November 2008
• December 2008
• January 2009
• February 2009
• March 2009
• April 2009