E-Books? Whassssat then? Drugs? Just say no. Crack is wack! E is... wee?

No. It's a book that you can read online. And there's one that I can recommend to all the nerds out there (and I know there are a lot who read this drivel I type) because it is by Mark Gatiss and is a classic Doctor Who one that I have from the olden days of paper books... It's Nightshade!

'It's like sitting at the bottom of a swimming pool,' she said, gazing at the arched ceiling in awe. The Doctor was already busy at the console, checking that the antiquated machinery was still operational.'It has a certain charm, I suppose,' he said grudgingly. 'But it always seemed too tucked away for ready use.''What is it?'
'Tertiary console room. Not bad, eh?' 'Not bad? It's beautiful!' The Doctor seemed to be warming to his theme which pleased Ace immeasurably. 'Oh yes,' he said, fussing over the console, 'a little spatial relocation and we can call this...' He paused and began to stare into space again. 'Home?' volunteered Ace. The Doctor said nothing.

How many times had he been here before? With Victoria on the gas platform. Jo in Llanfairfach. Tegan in London.
She'd grown up before his eyes; this funny misfit, changing from a little bundle of venom with more chips than a Monte Carlo casino into a confident, maturing adult. It had been a struggle though. He had hated the lies and the half-truths he'd felt compelled to create in order to protect her from the future. After Fenric and more recently their adventures battling the Timewyrm, he'd hoped to have put all that behind them. But now there were other considerations...

The same site also has the also rather good Paul Cornell 's Human Nature available to read. And read it you should!

I am knackered again so no hilarity here...

Instead, here's a blog I was looking at today, following in the recent themes of Pride and 'Straight Is Great!' ... it's ClosetCase! He is a gay man from Essex in a closet (not literally. There is not usually internet connection in these flat pack wardrobes) but he spends most of his time discussing his gayness and its closeted state and mentioning the gay places he goes with his gay friends. He also posts a lot about his family and where he lives. He even frequently mentions his name and his other websites... I think I may have to explain the concept of being in the closet to him!

The site is very well designed (he is a computer programmer so knows his stuff) and has informative thoughtful stuff as well as some nice lightweight rambling that we have come to expect from blogs. It's a good site... and he hope he tells his family about liking boys soon, although I don't know what the site will be called once that happens. It's strange to read in places as it reminds me of the olden days but it seems like Essex has become a bit more friendly since my bad old days. Same provincial bars though!

Today's Project76 Art Club pick of the week is...

Chinese Girl by Vladimir Tretchikoff.

aka The Green Lady.

It's totally retro-fantastic and appears in my imaginary photos section in the first section of my imaginary autobiography. The part entitled 'They always took us on fucking caravan holidays.'

I want one for my house. I shall get one!

Yes, I am actually serious. It will go nicely with my other grandmother's 1970s fruitbowl.

Thanks to sir Ziggy of Stardust for this link...

I assume it is a spoof... but with these Americans you can never be too sure!

'A terror of mortality lies beneath much heterosexual coupling. Driven toperpetuate themselves at any cost, most heterosexuals are indifferent tothe prospect of the world-wide famine that will result if the presentpopulation explosion continues unchecked.'

'Many heterosexuals claim that they were just 'born that way'.Unfortunately this doesn't hold water. All human beings are the result ofthe interaction between their substance and their environment andheterosexuals, like the rest of us, must share the responsibility for their condition.'

It's not actually all that funny, now I have looked into it. Ah, well.

It'll upset the right people.

The ones who are easy to upset because they're morons.

It's not Monday but I don't like it anyway. Tell you why? It felt like a Monday, I did Monday things and I had a long travelling time kerfuffle as it was my penultimate day in The City Bookshop...
I am off to sunny Bristol in a couple of weeks for a conference. When I say Bristol I mean Not Bristol as it is South Gloucestershire therefore not Bristol at all. I have been sent a name badge to wear (but not some jelly and ice cream or any kind of party hat) but it is wrong as it describes my domain as 'City Bookshop' instead of 'Chav-infested Suburban Bookshop.' Hurrah for the generic term for Tipp-Ex, whatever it is... At this very same conference I have been informed that the evening dress code is 'lounge suit and tie' for 'the gents' which confused me. 'The gents' is the toilet and a 'lounge suit' implies something you lounge about in. Therefore I shall appear in my Boosh t-shirt and rubbish shorts and live in the loo. Sorted. Or alternatively a Jon Pertwee Docor Who velevet smoking jacket (no somking of course) with ruffley shirt. Super!

Psssssst! Thesaurus whispered to me this definition: 'lounge suit - a business suit consisting of a matching jacket and skirt or trousers.' Phew. So it's a suit then?

Psssst again! Wikipedia then informed me 'A two-piece suit or lounge suit is one lacking a waistcoat; a three-piece suit has one.'

I found a sentient lounge suit named 'Lounge Suit?' (yes, the question mark is part of their name. How pretentious!) who contacted an online help site called 'Advice With Dr. Dave and Dr. Dee' (wot no Dr. Dre? I guess they forgot about him...) and saw this problem solved once and for all:


Dear Dr. Dave and Dr. Dee,
I am invited to a reception and the attire is "Lounge Suit". I checked the web and found that a lounge suit is a matching jacket and trousers. So, is a tie compulsory, and does the colour have to be dark or is a light coloured suit appropriate?
Signed,
Lounge Suit?

Dear Lounge Suit,
A lounge suit is another name for business suit and usually indicates a semi-formal function. A darker suit with a white shirt and tie are appropriate. On some occasions, if the function is an informal outdoor afternoon affair, then the lounge suit can be more casual, lighter colored, and worn without a tie. But, when in doubt, always dress more formally.
Signed,
Dr. Dave and Dr. Dee

Look who won the supporting actress Emmy!

Huff is still cancelled though.

Boo hiss boo!

I decided to have one more go at that Facial Recognition shite to see if I could be anybody except my evil twin Jesse Bradford. I had done the beard variation and the glasses variation so I went for something else. Would a hat make all the difference?

Would it bollocks. He is stalking me.

Whoever said Americans have no concept irony will be filled with glee/despair at the following alleged fact via Digital Spy:

'Little Britain is to be completely remade for the US market by American broadcaster HBO. Creators Matt Lucas and David Walliams will join American comedy writers and Simon Fuller, the British entertainment entrepreneur, in a bid to recreate versions of their hit characters for the US audience. The team is hoping the adaptation will attract up to ten million viewers following a string of successful exports including The Office, and reality shows which have made Simon Cowell America's top earning television star.'

So that's Little Britain, a comedy sketch series about Britain, being completely remade for American audiences with, I imagine, American characters. It's more ironic than a very large collection of the cutlery that cuts things when what you really need is the thing what transfers liquid to your gob. Don't you think?

Remember, kids, there was only one series of Little Britain made for the tellybox, after a successful pilot and two radio series. And they were fan-bloody-tastic!

My adopted Blog Son Clive has done another video blog. I think the Bank Holiday has got to him.

Don't click that! It's just a picture as I don't know how to insert the YouTube thing on here. Click here instead.

Go on.

Click it!

Cliiiiick Iiiiiiiit!

You slag.

Kitty Pryde likes it too, mutant fans!

I think I may have come across as a self-loathing homosexual when whingeing about Manchester Pride over at Jay The Dangerous Man's blog as I find it hard to express myself sometimes so I thought I should explain it here. I don't know why the endless media coverage of these Pride marches gets me all fired up but it must be to do with the way that only one extreme minority is represented in the photos that always get used for illustrating the gay 'community', not that such a thing actually exists anyway. It's the 'hotpants and orange tan or drag' option that you would actually believe in if you lived in a box that grates so much.
It's "just a bit of fun" as Keith Barrett would say. I understand the concept of fun, sure. I have even been to many London Pride events over the years. Most of the people at them were not wearing glitter / sequins / bugger all / Wonder Woman outfits / delete where appropriate / but the media illustration always ends up like a circus minus the elephants. Bearded ladies are optional and I have seen many a clown in the past. But why does it bother me? Maybe because I feel that in 2006 we should have no need for this kind of thing. Us gayers should be ourselves in our daily lives and have a much wider influence over changing people's attitudes by just being around. Maybe it's because I hate the lazy cliches that the media spit out and that the gay 'community' offers us to adhere to. I don't know any people who would dress up like the pride march photograph people but a lot of them would go to the march. They just wouldn't be judged worthy of attention and that's sad. Who wants pictures of a group of average looking men and women in jeans and t-shirts, maybe a shirt or two, some might be wearing glasses, some with rucksacks and... you get the idea.

I know I'm one of the lucky ones and these young homosexualists need to feel like they belong to some kind of scene for a while as it's been hard keeping it all in while growing up. Is it still like that these days? I don't know. I felt like that for a bit when I was young (back in the mists of time) and then found it tiresome, superficial and ultimately disappointing.

Rather than moaning about it shouldn't I be constructive? What is Pride to me?

It's not watching some has-been old 'diva' miming to a medium-sized hit from fifteen years ago on a stage in a park. It's not a bus full of shaved and plucked men in knickers dancing to Kylie Minogue in the style of some silly schoolgirls. It's not that fucking Heather Small song... It's me accepting who I am and knowing that there's nothing wrong with it. It's being able to live a completely normal life and do everything I want to do without worrying about how people perceive me. It's about being able to marry the man I love and invite all of our friends and family to celebrate, just like any other couple. It's about my sexuality being not remotely important to the people I work with. And why should it be? I don't want to talk about what they get up to in bed, I don't want to even go there!

I guess I'm not proud of being gay. I'm not ashamed of it either. I just am. And it's fucking marvellous that it upsets some idiots so much!

Did I mention Torchwood this week?

No?

How about the tiny Captain Jack action figure?

He lives in my beard, you know.

I had put it away but couldn't resist another play. You know how it is ...

Anne Widdecombe and that unfunny poofy one from Will And Grace?
She will be outraged!

Now this IS an outrage! Boosh Shaman Tony Harrison and artist dude Picasso?

Bird-bothering variety performer Rod Hull and shampoo-loving romance beefcake Fabio?
I cannot cope with these results. Take it away!

After doing The Doctor yesterday I tried a Dalek but it had no face according to the computer. So I tried a Cyberman...

Cyber technology proved incompatible. So I found a monster with a more recognisable face...

I had heard rumours of a sulphur-like smell around Goldie Hawn. Now we know...

Bloggers or celebrities? Er... Bloggers!

Is it JVS or that lady actor who never married?


Is it Evil Clive or that clever bloke from the past?


Is it James Badcrumble or a Blues Brother?


Is it Comedy Stalker Cheryl or Mrs Heath Ledger?


Is it TV's Ben Baker or that masculine female 'singer'?

Is it annoying now? Yes!

Strange fact: The software would not recognise any photos of that bloggy writer Christoper Bate as a genuine face.

It's a Britpop magic comic set (so far) in Bristol. Its first issue has just come out. It's rather odd but intriguing. It's a bit Hellblazer for indie-kids. It's by Kieron Gillen and Jamie McKelvie. It's from Image Comics. It's Phonogram.

With all this Kenickie talk how can you not purchase it at once?

Now that's more like it!

OK. I took inspiration from Ben and tried a variation of my other face. So I picked one with glasses on to see who I would match up to ...


Do they only have one male face in their databanks? Or am I the (unidentical) twin of Jesse Bradford?

I really must stop this now.

While hunting for new blogs I found something good to waste my time with. Thanks to High Velocity Super Disco I found the ridiculous Face Recognition site where it allegedly can match your face to one or even some of its huge database of celebrity faces! "What fun" said I and started faffing around. Most of my photos gave it no results whatsoever. Bah! I tried some of The Husband and eventually got a match each...


So now we know.

It's competition time and you don't even have to text a premium-squared expensive number to enter. It's still designed for idiots though, like those ones on the telly.

The prize?
An evening for 2 with Project76 at London's Drill Hall to see the first episode of Radio 4's The News Quiz being recorded on Thursday 7th September at around 6PM-ish or maybe a bit later.

The competition question?

The News Quiz returns with a new host this season. They are small and Danish. Are they:

A) A rasher of bacon.
B) A lovely pastry.
C) Radio and TV's Sandi Toksvig. Who is from Denmark.

Answers on a blogger comment or email Dan@project76.co.uk please.

A maverick FBI agent haunted by a case that went gruesomely wrong.
A US senator whose wife goes missing.
Everyone drives a 4x4.
A surprising discovery of a badly-hidden bloodied shirt.
The daughter's boyfriend who might not be what he seems.
A bag full of cash stashed in a drier.
Sibling rivalry and a complicated step-parent relationship.
A secret life being slowly revealed.
The concierge is a fake because beards are banned.
A surprising pregnancy test found in the bin.

Yes, it's Vanished from the telly in America. And it's for the masses so it's no The Shield. It's a bit like that other new show that revolves around a missing person, NBC's Kidnapped.
People from other shows are in it!

It's got Brian from Queer As Folk (USA) as the maverick agent.
It's got Doctor Chen from E.R as a regular FBI agent.
It's got Betty from Dead Like Me as a ruthless (cliched) reporter.
It's got the traitor from the last series of 24 as the senator.

Its a bit corny but i might watch it again. People who like Prison Break will like it.

Today's blog is brought to you by Breathe-Right Nasal Strips. I had thirteen hours in bed and felt like shit and these little plastic stripes cured me (again).

Has Black Canary been watching that awful Fergie video where she incorrectly identifies a famous English bridge and looks a right mess? Or is it just a coincidence and referring to some other evil rather-too-tall lady with a 'unique' look? Gotta love DC Comic's Birds Of Prey.

I am glad to see that it wasn't the Project76 Wedding that caused the destrucion of marriage after all. What would we do without newspapers to tell us things?

I am completlely Lost about the connection between that mysterious island and some tacky candy bars. Still, it makes a change from all that Dharma ranch dressing...

From the site comes this bizarre information: 'The Apollo Candy Company is proud to announce the Apollo Bar, the world's most delectable chocolate sensation, is now available, for the first time ever, in the UK!!!How can I get one, you ask?It's easy! We're giving them away! While supplies last, simply go to your nearest Forbidden Planet store and say the daily code. [limited stocks] Trust us! Your tummy will thank you.Fri+Sat+Sun+Mon's code is "Rachel Blake".Good eating, UK!!'

Huh?????

I have to thank that Ben Baker for his weird podcast 'From Over There' as it kept me smiling on the way to work today. Any pod thing that has Frank Sidebottom doing an interpretation of 'Panic' by The Smiths is alright by me. Go on, download it from the link thing.

We missed you, Frank!


Frank Sidebottom and Ted Robbins. Now that's what I call showbiz.

How great is Grant Morrison and Andy Kubert's Batman?

There are no words. So here's a picture.


Well there are obviously some words or it would be dull.

Bah. Blogger has gone loopy and that took 10 minutes to post!
Is it the Medieval times again and nobody told me?

It's still Tower Bridge, not London Bridge.
It's still atrocious.
She still looks like a dog's dinner.
The dog ate it then vomited it back up.
Some other dogs had a taste and loved it.

Sarah Ferguson, what are you like?
I could say. But I shouldn't.

What do you mean it isn't Sarah Ferguson?
She's not the former Duchess Of York?
I think you're all wrong.

She's not for girls.

Didn't she used to have a penis?

I don't know what's true anymore!
I blame lying American singers.

Meh.

Today's big faux-pas moments included getting lost on a shopping trip and mixing up comedy lookey-likeys... I managed to waste the 20 minutes that I gained by leaving work early to go to the comic shop by taking a wrong turn (a turn that I have done many times) and walking in a complete loop from Fleet Street via Aldwych via The Strand and back to Fleet Street. There should be a word for the expression of beilderment and humiliation when you realise you've wandered off into a London loop and got precisely nowhere. Still, I have learnt that short cuts are rarely short so it wasn't all bad... We then comitted the ultimate comedy crime by wrongly identifying (Jenny Eclair's spiritual mother) Su Pollard as (Su Pollard's spiritual daughter) Jenny Eclair in the pub quiz and losing a key point. As points make prizes we made none. We still thrashed the team whose answers we marked but then I think they were from the remedial school or were a product of the kind of inter-breeding you encounter on ITV1 morning shows. Wwith DNA tests and that.

See? It's uncannier than those X-Men!

I am knackered again so no blogging of depth today. It would all be about chavs and morons and tube trains anyhow. I did go to the dentist for an extraction from my bank account (£150!), some intense discomfort and more choking and gagging and apologising than an amateur George Michaels lookie-likey/ actie-likey competitive event. I hate the dentist. Not the actual man, who is about 15 years old and has to distract me from gagging on the moulding thingy that can't fit in my delicate mouth by making me lift my left leg like a stressed child. I just hate going there, getting mega jaw ache, feeling miserable and then giving away all of my money. I shall buy some pliers and be a gummy man. Oh yes.

Today I am mostly feeling like Jim from the superior American version of The Office.

Psssst! Top comedy site Chortle whipered wickedly to me and told me something I have to share with you:

'Simon Amstell is to be the new host of Never Mind The Buzzcocks, Chortle can reveal.
The stand-up and former Popworld presenter will take over permanently from Mark Lamarr when the series returns to BBC Two later this year. Amstell guest hosted an episode in March, after Lamarr decided he wanted to take a break from the pop quiz after nine years in the chair. Now the BBC is set to announce that Amstell, who is currently performing in Edinburgh, will take over permanently. He said: ‘I hope I can be the one exception to the universal, exceptionless rule that when a new host takes over an old show it is a horrible embarrassing disaster. It's going to be great! Woo!" Bill Bailey and Phill Jupitus will continue in their roles of team captains when the show returns.'

Thanks, Chortle.

Thortle.

Sorry.

This is an essential purchase!

Veronica Mars is the best show on telly, even though it's not on most people in the UK's sets as it's only shown on Living aka that channel for housewives and gays. It's brilliant, trust me on this. Still no UK region 2 release date for season one but season two is now out in America and I think I might have to fork out some cash for this. I love Veronica Mars and so should you.

... but it was like that fing where he was killed in 'Dallas' and then returned after a year off like nothing had happened because it was all a dream. What am I talking about? My return to the Suburban Bookshop where I used to work up until a year ago but have now come back and am in charge, of course! It's like I never went away. Did the last year really happen? I missed the silly chav people. I enjoyed the conversation with a woman who was enquiring about the job advertised in the window, as she was asking a lot of questions until I pointed out that "all the information you need is in the advert." It should not have surprised me that she replied "Oh I haven't read all the advert" and I thought to myself that I must give such a clever observant thorough worker a job at once. I smiled at the woman (it was either that or scream) with all the gold chains and the three kids that were all different colours (and she was orange) who used the F word in front of them to tell the oldest off (he was ten years old, she looked about 24. Cripes!) when he didn't do anything particularly bad. I learnt many things today, including that pointless Chantelle From Big Brother has an unofficial biography out ahead of the real one that she 'wrote.' Why oh why oh why? I then saw a lady the hue of Tropicana browsing it with delight and gave up this particular train of thought.
I then learnt, via OK Magazine, that Kerry Katona is pregnant as she posed for ten photographs with her latest bit of rough. For Kerry to find a bit of rough is near impossible as she is rougher than a chav made out of sandpaper but she has managed it and every photograph had either her hand or his hand placed over her pregnant belly. Sometimes it was both of their hands! She exclusively revealed that she didn't want to end up as an unmarried mother with loads of kids. If you tried contraception it might not happen, Kerry! Or maybe just say no. Didn't she watch Grange Hill? Not that I am saying she has a drug problem of course. That's not the reason why she has had more best friends and fiances that George Michael has had teddybears' picnics. Of course not.

And I thought Gwen Stefani had the 'tuneless singer does terrible solo project' market all sewn up! This is Fergie who is the alleged 'singer' from the Black Eyed Peas. She has gone solo and is more like the Split Lentil. Her terrible dreadful video was on telly a minute ago and I don't know where to begin.

It's called 'London Bridge' but the bridge in the video and pictures is Tower Bridge.

The lyrics refer to London Bridge going down ("How come every time you come around, My London London Bridge want to go down") but London Bridge does not move as the one that goes down is Tower Bridge.

She really cannot sing at all and just shakes her manky bottom and ratty hair extensions all over the place and says 'ho' except they can't allow that so she says a blank word.

She is why I hate Americans: No culture.

Did they actually employ a researcher for the song or vdeo? No. They spent their wages on burly men in shades and booty-shakin' skanks. There's a lesson to be learned here, kids!

Do you want to sing along? Of course you do! Here you go...

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit (exactly what I was thinking)
When I come to the clubs, step aside
Pop the seeds, don't be hating me in the line
V.I.P because you know I gotta shine
I'm Fergie Ferg (didn't you used to be married to...?)
Give me love you long time (ladyboy?)
All my girls get down on the floor
Back to back drop it down real low
I'm such a lady but I'm dancing like a ho (charming)
Because you know what, I don't give a f*** (ditto)
So here we go!
Chorus (x2)
How come every time you come around
My London London Bridge want to go down (it's Tower)
Like London London want you to go down (Tower!)
Like London London be going down (Gah!)
Drinks start pouring
And my speech start slowing
Everybody start looking at you
The Grey Goose got the girl feeling loose (Huh?)
Now I wishing that I didn't wear these shoes
It's like everytime I get up on the dude
Papparazzi put my business in the news
And I'm gonna get up out my face (oh, shit)
Before I turn around and spray your ass with mace (oh, shit)
My lips make you want to have a taste (oh, shit) (taste of shit?)
You got that? I got the bass (no, you're just a silly little girl)

For fuck's sake. No wonder school-leavers can't get jobs!

Since Rod Hull died, Emu has been getting rather popular with tha yoof, although it's really only those disillusioned ones who are mad for the naughty blue bird. You would have thought it was a devil puppet by the way the Daily Mail have reacted. Of course we love the Mail for this kind of thing as it provides a few cheap laughs. Let's take a look at a recent article, boys and girls...

EMO cult warning for parents
By SARAH SANDS
23:31pm 16th August 2006
Flicking through the autumn glossy fashion magazines, I noticed that some of the models did not look very well. A few of them appeared to be dead. This is because one of the key looks, especially at the younger end of the fashion spectrum, is Goth. Faces are chalky white, eyes and lips black. You can wear any colour you like so long as it's black. To achieve that just-got-out-of-a coffin look, you need corsets, capes, Celtic crosses, an unseeing stare and a prop such as a slightly mutilated china doll dragged along in one hand. For those of us who have lived through Siouxsie And The Banshees and the Rocky Horror Show, the look is depressingly retro.

Fashion acknowledges those of us who lived through it first time round - Elder Goths, as opposed to Baby Bats, who are the under-30s. It even nods to a working population, permitting Corporate Goths, who wear black trouser suits. There is a also a term which is new to me and amounts to a much more dangerous teenage cult. The Emos - short for Emotional - regard themselves as a cool, young sub-set of the Goths. Although the look is similar, the point of distinction, frightening for schools and parents, is a celebration of self harm.

Emos exchange competitive messages on their teenage websites about the scars on their wrists and how best to display them. Girls' secondary schools have for some time been concerned about the increase in self harm. One governor of a famous boarding school told me that it was as serious a problem as binge drinking, but rarely discussed for fear of encouraging more girls to do it. Although it is invariably described as a 'secret shame', there is actually a streak of exhibitionism about it. The internet has many sites dedicated to Emo fashion (dyed black hair brushed over your face, layering, black, black, black), Emo bands (Green Day, My Chemical Romance), Emo conversation (sighing, wailing, poetry).

The Instant Emo Kit site gives advice on identity. Wear a child's T-shirt with a slogan such as 'Unhappy Chick' and drive a Vespa. Above all, 'show your inner despair by looking like you are too sad to eat. Obesity and emocity do not mix.' Adult Goths refer to the Emos disdainfully as 'the spooky kids' or 'moshers'. The Emo song, by the American band Adam And Andrew, has cult status on the internet, appearing on many personal websites. It is called Dear Diary and is both witty and alarming. The chorus goes: 'Stop my breathing and slit my throat, I must be an Emo. I don't jump around when I go to shows, I must be an Emo. Dye in my hair and polish on my toes, I must be an Emo. I play guitar and write suicide notes, I must be an Emo.'

The courting of misery and death is a long-established teenage tradition. How many bedroom walls have been plastered with posters of drippy pre-Raphaelite heroines, or Marc Bolan or Kurt Curbain? When death is a long way off, you can afford to be more morbid about it. Film-makers note that horror films are now more popular than romance among young women. In particular, Goths and Emos are a rebellion against sporty, manly cultures - which is perhaps why they flourish particularly in North European countries or North America. The androgynous nature of the Goths is appealing to the young because it is sexually unthreatening. Teenage girls are frightened of manliness: they like boys who look like girls. Kate Moss, the girl who never grows old, understands youthful taste completely. There is also a deadly glamour about the Goths. The word femme-fatale is Goth based.

Many of the alluring women of our time - Nigella Lawson, Debbie Harry, Chrissie Hynde, Sophie Ellis Bextor, Lily Allen - have a touch of the Goth about them. They have a sophistication and depth lacking in the blonde, bouncy chav faces which dominate our television screens and nightclubs. Who are the male pin-ups for young girls? Johnny Depp and the comedian Russell Brand, who is about 90 per cent Goth. Lord Byron, of course, was the greatest Goth of all time. Emos have a strong arts graduate bias and are among the few that read poetry (if only of the romantic, morbid kind). Some pretty terrible Emo poetry is offered on websites. A cartoon of two Emos has a bubble which says: 'What rhymes with razor blade?' But compared to the music, the poetry is positively cheerful. The Gothic bands have names such as Bloody, Dead And Sexy or Colder Than Death.

There is a genre, popular in Germany, known as Death Pop. Bands include The Knives In The Attic and Love Equals Death. Although Goths are from the same family tree as punks, they are a lot less fun to be with. While I loved punk for its energy, Goths were too bloodless to lift a finger. One of the most annoying characteristics of teenagers is their refusal to open their curtains. Their world is dark and airless. If this environment is coupled with the psychological traits of self-pity, introspection, self-dramatisation and hormone imbalance, you have a fully-fledged Emo, even without the small Tshirt and black hair. The wondrous thing about being an adult is that you have so much more to worry about that you stop striking poses and get on with it. Unless you are an Elder Goth - in which case you have fashion on your side and everybody else against you.

What worries me is that teenagers are less equipped to manage strong emotions and a cult of suicide could have real and horrible consequences. It is irresponsible for the fashion and music cultures to encourage it. If you want retro style, I recommend Ian Dury's song Reasons To Be Cheerful.


3-2-1, and you're back in the room (of sanity)! ...

Give that woman a journalismistic award! What a marvellous piece, it really explains the current phenomenomenum of Emu. I now feel suitable versed in Emu Culture that I shall be able to tell these sulky show-offs to stop cutting their arms "for just a bit of fun" and have a moan about them leaving their curtains closed all day.

Er...

What a load of bollocks. It scares me that people believe this bulshit. I blame Green Day, the American Idiots.

I don't have to commute into the centre of London for the next two days as I am doing my Triumphant Return to the chav-infested Suburban Bookshop tomorrow. I shall bring a big stick or maybe just some big words to confuse them away from me...

So Brummies have the best accent for comedy? Do they bollocks! Frank Skinner? Jasper Carrot? Er... No. Bollocks. Everyone knows that The Queen's English is the funniest and onliest way what we talk what is yer actual funny voices, innit?

So... Terrorists? What the fuck are they playing at? I am so bored of these 'quiet, religious' men who turn out to be flippin' loony tunes who want to blow up their own countrymen (and women. Although they are undoubtably sexist as well as taking the fun out of fundamentalist) for resaons that don't justify any kind of nasty 'boom' and death-bringing action. Yes our foreign policy may be a bit shit but still... Muthafuckers. Or maybe I should upgrade them to cunts? Oh yes. It's what the C word was made for. And what about those martyrdom videos? Dull as fuck. I'd rather watch paint dry. Twats!

Spare a thought for the poor middle classes. Bah! The Daily Mail has a 'poor' couple bleating about the fact that their cost of living has risen four times the rate of inflation. A professor reveals that "middle class families tend to have larger houses, so they will consume more energy. They tend to use larger cars, therefore they are using more petrol and, by virtue of having larger houses, they will tend to need more repairs done."
So now we know! The only problem with this story is that the family who they picked to illustrate their point has a combined income of £130,00. Yes, really. I fell so sorry for them, what with that poverty trap and shit. If they're poor then I stink of dried faeces and eat rats out of a dustbin while performing tricks for biscuits.

Martha Jones? Who? Exactly!

My 'That Mitchell And Webb Log' is growing in a strange way. It was going to just be a collection of our adventures in their world but it needs more stuff if it's going to be more than a 'just fine' fansite. I shall be adding original content throughout it to make it flow better, therefore new things will appear in its past. It's like a form of time travel but with blogger posting options where you can change the time and date of a posting to make it appear to have been written a while back.

Now we know...

As I must have, like with Little Britain, the first fanpage that is not just some old cut and paste bollocks, I have collected all of our Mitchell And Webb ramblings together and given them a nice home of their own. Most future M&W will also appear here but there is where you will find a one-stop Numberwang extravaganza. I may even put the snooker version of Lady In Red there at some point...

I got a BA in art. You'd never have guessed from my work.

While she is off in Edinburgh doing her show what we have not seen, Dame Sue Perkins aka The Croydon Sandi Toksvig aka winner of the Project76 Lesbian Of The Year Award 2004 is moonlighting as the voice of runny ploppy poo poo. Oh yes. Sue is the star of the radio adverts for Imodium Plus. Her advertising career has seen her go from crusty bread to bum tablets, what a result.


Now here's the science bit: Imodium Plus Caplets are used to control short-lived episodes of diarrhoea and calm additional abdominal discomfort such as cramps, wind and bloating.

You would think that I hated all of those celebrity people from reading this blog and that is almost true, with very few exceptions, so when I find a good'un I feel obliged to mention it. In a Hollwood full of weirdy freaky 'stars' I must say that Sigourney Weaver is a rarity: An actor who doesn't take herself too seriously, hasn't joined a celebrity cult (as far as I know) and actually has opinions on things. You wouldn't get any of these quotes (from The Observer) from any of those other control freaks with PR obsession:


On plastic surgery: "'I don't think it's attractive to have a taut face with a 65-year-old's body. I find that look scary."

On That Mister Bush and Mister Blair Show: "'Well, we always like to see Blair because he can actually speak in a complete sentence. You're not spending the whole time terrified of what he's going to say. Every time there's a crisis I think, "Why did this have to happen now, why can't we wait until we have another President?" We're just counting the seconds until we can get someone else in there, even if he's a Republican. It's so frightening to have a man like that be our President."

On Ellen Ripley (her Alien character): "What was considered daring at the time was that we had this ordinary working woman, not in a frilly space dress, but a woman with dirty hands, dealing with people in a crisis. And it's still something they don't do. It's as if they feel they have to turn the woman into some kind of weird science-fiction doll to make it interesting."

So that is why Project76 salutes Sigourney Weaver. That and the sheer volume of evil muthafunkin' aliens she has killed over the years.

It's all me me me again. No, I am not a demanding egotistical celebrity, just a man who gets roped in to these memes by other bloggers. This time it was Homosexualist Magician Qenny and his books meme...

1. One book you have read more than once:
Can I have a comicbook? It's got a hard cover and a spine and has lots of words! It's 'Alias Omnibus' by Brian Bendis and Michael Gaydos. It's a Marvel comics production via their mature readers Max imprint. If their regular stuff is comparable to 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer' then 'Alias' is 'The Shield'. It's perfect for grown-up comic nerds and has its fair share of angst, murder, bad dates, crazy powers shit, a bit of anal, freaky investigations cases and a happy ending. It's a great big fuck-off book and it's in some good shops now.

2. One book you would want on a desert island:
A really good one that I haven't read yet. Or something by Grant Morrison because he's mental and his stuff is a bit layered so you can read it seceral times and go "aaahh hyesss..."

3. One book that made you laugh:
'Fan-Dabi-Dozi: Our Story' by The Krankies. Honestly, it's very under-rated. And Andrew Collin's 'Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now' for its realistic portrayal of shitty student life.

4. One book that made you cry:
Any ones that I spent good money on and were rubbish. Books don't really make me cry, to be honest. Some of Armistead Maupin's 'Tales Of The City' may qualify but that's a big gay cliche, isn't it? It's films and good television that can do that. So therefore I choose the last half of series 5 of 'Six Feet Under.' Boo hoo.

5. One book you wish you had written:
Any book, apart from all the shit ones. I have only written my press pack highlights so far. I could have written some of Douglas Coupland's books with ease, but that is not to say that I dislike them.

6. One book you wish had never been written:
All of them religious storybooks. Or the entire 'child abuse is bad yet life-affirming' genre (Boo hiss boo Dave Pelzer and co) or maybe all of those self-help books like 'The Gift Of Bereavement'... or them Anne Geddes books where she dresses up babies as fairies and nymphs and...

7. One book you are currently reading:
'X-Statix Presents Dead Girl' by Peter Milligan and Michael Allred. Yes it's a graphic novel. Dead supervillains escape from hell so Sorcerer Supreme Doctor Strange gets some dead superheroes to go on a mission. It's got that British Milligan humour and Allred's retro 60s Classic comic art and it's rather spiffing.

8. One book you have been meaning to read:
'The Amazing Adventures Of Kavalier And Clay' by Michael Chabon. It's a proper book and about comics! It won the Pulitzer Prize. Well done.

9. One Book That Changed Your Life:
Nothing really changed my life. They just add bits to my brain if they're any good.

10. Now Tag 5 bloggers:
Norton the book monkey. If he doesn't do it he may get a written warning off me.
Clive the ginger student. He must read books if he studies stuff, right?
My Husband Jamie. He can post on this blog if he presses a few buttons and he's clever.
Sentimental Geek. She's a geek therefore she must have books.
The Dangerous Man. He can't choose any gay books though. :-)

I didn't watch it because I didn't like it.

It's over now and the crazy people have gone home.

They are all banned from here, except for the tantrum-throwing girl with the anxious hair and the face of her own grandmother.

She can stay because she is really very insane.

What the...?
She looks like she's been released from a hostage situation!
Calm down dear, it's a rubbish telly show!


Oh come on now. The faces and poses are so tiresome.
Get a new act. Or just go away.

More juvenile nonsese, of which we can never truly have too much...

It's a bit Doctor Who again. Sorry ...

Let this be a lesson to all child stars (again) ...

Avert thine eyes if you are of a nervous disposition!

Ready?

OK...






Haley Joel Osment! What have you done? While you may have been an acceptable child actor in The Sixth Sense you now resemble some kind of gene splice experiment which has left you looking like a photofit and you crashed your car (even though you should only be 10) with pot in it and while allegedly a bit tipsy. Grrrr! It happens to all them kids what do films eventually. Still, at least he didn't become a friend of Michael Jackson.

A load of Friday randomness follows:

Out and about: Courtney looks like a waxwork while Frances Bean looks nothing like a green vegetable. She's a girl version of Kurt. I feel old seeing her as a grown-up laydee!

My lurgee has got 50% better so I am less of a zombie than before and I can resume the caffeine abuse without having like a total eppy. I am currently living in my own show called My Two Bookshops where I do lots of phonecalls, emails and spread sheets and forget what figures to look at on every report I look at. It's the weekend now and we have lots of nice things to do and a bag from Hotel Chocolat to devour. No, not the actual bag although that does look quite tasty as well.

... and I thought I had nails that needed cutting! This loonytune called Lee Redmond has 33 inch fingernails. She lives, inevitably, in America. Anybody surprised? Of course not. I wonder how many claw marks are in her house and on her undoubtably shredded leathery old hide.

From that evil paper: 'Going to the grocery store and even opening doors pose an enormous challenge, but she's able to undertake other normal daily tasks, such as vacuuming, cooking, cleaning and taking care of her husband, who has Alzheimer's disease. '

Oh for fuck's sake. How does she look after her husband when she can't touch anything without shredding it? Stupid cow. If I run into her and have some scissors on me she'll be a goner for sure. I despair for the human race sometimes...

While waiting for The Lovely Husband to pick me up from the station I saw several idiots driving while using their mobile phones. Is it a coincidence that they were both driving urban monstertrucks? Bah! Puny humans!

The paper sums it up nicely today.

On tonight's BBC1 line-up: Esther Rantzen and Lynne Faulds-Wood do their retro consumerism thang in 'Old Dogs, New Tricks.'

Heh.

Who did they piss off at TV Centre to get a show with such a cruel yet accurate title?

I think I'm ill. What started as a rubbish hangover on Tuesday has not gone away and I am currently experiencing back pain, side ache, sinus headache and funny breathing with a weird 'not right' feeling. I've even cut out the coffee today to see if that will make me any less edgy but not a bit of difference. Bugger.

In other bad news, our car broke this morning so The Lovely Husband had to do a mission and a half to go to work and back. This wasn't helped by a person on the tracks on the way home that delayed him so much that he met up with me on my later return journey. That was the silver lining. Bugger again. We cancelled our pub quiz appearance for the third week running because of having no easy transport plans and me being the owner of insides that are all wrong.

Still, at least John Prescott has allegedly called George Bush a crap cowboy.

Terrrrrrrists have nicked George's glovepuppet again. He hasn't noticed yet.

Oh dear. YouTube makes people do very odd things sometimes...

Who said the internet was for geeks?

Another very tiring day is over and I am practically a zombie so I shall be avoiding boxes of vinyl records and swingball sets just in case... I had my first Big Managers' Meeting today and chipped in a fair amount, which was nice. What wasn't so nice was almost being late due to the stupidity of the human beings on the tube who really need to be herded into speed lanes like a dual carriageway when shuffling along to their connection lines. I shall bring a loud klaxon siren thing next time to shift the unfortunate results of tortoise gene splicing. Bah. So my breakfast became a hastily-shoved into gob Mars bar eaten five seconds beforer I arrived....

Elevenses and Lunch were a Twix, A Kit-Kat, a banana, an apple, another Kit-Kat, some coffee, some more coffee and two packets of crisps. Mmmmm! I cannot believe how few crisps are in the packets of a certian brand these days. Maybe their association with a certain 'unreasonable' ex-footballer has led to them lending some cash for the gianormous alimony, therefore slashing their potato budget? And is all that junk food the reason why I feel all twitchy yet unpleasnant in the stomach department?

I am now oficially moving back to my previous previous bookshop aka The Suburban Bookshop (featuring Chavs) as of Monday. Or maybe Tuesday. It's a bit of a kerfuffle so I am spreading myself thin (but not as thin as a celebrity who is "just naturally lean") between two shops for a while. If it's Wednesday it must be Belguim? I am confusing myself now! I was too tired to drink more than one bottle of beer in the pub and that's just wrong! Boo hiss boo to me. I am a disgrace! Still, I earned my 'bookshop inheritance' and I get to return as the Grand Fromage of a big shiny new(ish) shop. I remember it when it was all space...

See?

At least I got to get the train into London with The Lovely Husband this morning, upsetting a Daily Mail-clutching (it won't protect you, dear) sour-faced woman with my chatter of all the idiots who parked their ginormo-cars in the station car park and then doing public displays of affection and all that jazz. Shouldn't be allowed!

I saw a shrew on the tube reading that Daily Mail today with the headline screaming 'Muslims Want Extra Bank Holidays' or something of that ilk. It was probably one point in the minutes of a rather long dull meeting but I'm all for more days off work. Thanks, Muslims! While I may not agree with your over-seriousness about what is essentially, like all organised (and disorganised for that matter) religion a lifestyle choice revolving around a storybook, I like a skive on full pay as much as the next atheist. Some people at the meeting also thought that having Sharia Law for family matters might be nice too but I think that in severe cases it involves losing fingers and that so maybe that's not so good. If we do that we'll have to let Catholics get caned by The Evil Nuns when they do something bad, and we don't want to be living in one of those awful biographies set in the black and white days with poor Irish people being miserable and very very Irish now do we? And in all seriousness how many Muslim organisations are there in this country? There seem to be rather a lot of them and they all have opinions (not that having an opinion is a bad thing and I should know). I am sure there aren't that many gay ones and therefore the 'Gay Comminity Leaders' don't really make their opinions known. They're probably all too busy popping out to indulge in frisking 80s popstars in bushes or having gay tea and gay coffee in the Gay Village to be bothered about bank holidays anyway. I'm all for people talking and understanding aeach others' differences without bickering but people are usually stupid and annoying and don't get on with other people very well even at the best of times. I am getting quite bored of this endless talk about 'communities' and 'community leaders' as this inhibits our society's progress as a whole. The best thing for everyone is to get out there and meet people that you wouldn't normally mix with and then we'll realise that muslims are as dull as other religions. Especially Christians, bloody hell, they don't half go on, some of them!

Daily Mail readers Random Quote Generator: "Political correctness gone mad! Ban it now!"- Anon, UK. How brave you are, 'Anon.'

My Blog of the week is not Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Shamblerambles (and that isn't even its correct title) because it is rather boring. Inbetween tippexing Israel off all the maps in the house and clippering his tudy beard to the point of OCD obsession, the leader of Iran has found some time to start his own blog. Nobody had the balls to tell him that it was quite rubbish though!

He has blogged only one thing so far but found time to add a fee people to his blogroll:
www.khamenei.ir www.leader.ir www.president.ir www.irna.ir www.irib.ir
which all seem a little bit similar to me. Nothing about his taste in music, clothes or favourite sandwich filling. Boring! You can learn about their peaceful nuclear programme and click on some of the best remarks from The Supreme Leader. Sadly no downloadable ringtones for your mobile phones yet but you can change the background colour of Mahmoud's frontpage and dowlaod a whole load of almost identical pictures of him looking a little bit bothered, if such a thing excites you.

More of my 'book extracts' you say?

OK!

“Drugs are bad, m’kay? We all know this and I know it too because I was always told not to take any as it would do everyone’s head in. I took their advice for the most part except for the evil chocolate cakes that I am partial to. I learnt to my shame not to try and cook while feasting on brownies (or Scouts but that’s not another story) by setting fire to the plastic chopping board due to its rather close proximity to the cooker. Fool!”

“My family only seems to get together for funerals these days so my wedding reception must have been a shock to the system. It must have been weird seeing all those relatively normal people not batting an eyelid at the two gays showing off their uber-love for all to see but I think they coped admirably.”

“I haven’t drunk cider since the olden days of growing up disillusioned in Essex with nothing better to do than sit in parks with some Strongbow or other cheaper beverages of that ilk. Unlike some young fools we actually enjoyed the swings and roundabouts at the same time. The real actual ones, mind, not the proverbial dramas of everyday life personified by parklife…”

“When you find out that someone you have been on a couple of dates with is in fact lying about their name, maybe it is time to re-evaluate that potential partner and run away sharpish…”

I really want to write it now. How fucking silly is that?

I have been out on day one of my week of social life extravaganzaing. Today was a visit to my old manor aka Suburban Bookshopland. I am still keeping a fairly big secret but my winking (yes, that's winking with an I) keeps almost letting the cat out of the bag. The bag is very transparent (just in case) so I shouldn't be stripped searched which is nice. Anyway, I have a dilemma. Do I feel sympathy for Boy George, sweeping the streets of America and moving bins and that in his sunglasses as pennance for wasting police time and that whole other thing with the alleged 2 litres of Coca-Cola or summink or nothing? I cannot decide but it sure is a meeja cirkus! Oh yes indeed...

Of course all binmen wear shades and have a small army of paparazzi around them, don't they?

I have found (via Adam The Book Man) the perfect book for That Cheryl to help her with her mission to lunge all of her comedy heroes. She is already rather good at the old lunging though, as illustrated by her many photographic moments of stalking greatness.


It's actually more of a book about dealing with difficult females and she is never difficult but the title is what made it amusing.

I have decided to send pointless micro-celebrity Nicole Richie a copy of Project76's favourite book, 'Nice Cup Of Tea And A Sit Down' as it looks like she needs the cake and rest. For God's sake, can somebody please feed this girl? Her rubbish blond hair extensions must weigh more than her body!




Here she is being chased by cakes and biscuits somewhere in America where nobody notices that she resembles a famine victim. Is that a bit of minge bush or a chavvy tattoo? I really don't want to know. Give it up, Little Miss Stupid Spoilt Whore!

You can't out-run the battenburg, bitch!

Hello loyal readers!

Apologies that the website has been down today, our DNS provider has had issues that were outside of our control.

We have now moved our record hosting to DynDNS and hope that it will all stabilize...

Today I have been mostly watching Chad Vader, Day Shift Manager on the internet. It's shit comedy but in a good way, unlike most of the shit comedy we are given via the medium of television. I thought I should publicise it for people like Clive and Norton who will enjoy its weird cheap stupidity and Star Wars references.

I love rhinos... best of all the animals. Mostly because they have good taste in music, as witnessed when one of them went for insipid stool-dwelling boyband Westlife at a safari park.

From a rubbish Sunday tabloid:
'Pop idols Westlife fled in terror when they were attacked by a giant two-ton rhino. The horned beast charged the four horrified singers at a safari park. And only the quick-thinking of their guide saved the Irish quartet from disaster. The ordeal began for Kian Egan, Shane Filan, Mark Feehily and Nicky Byrne as they toured Knowsley Safari Park in Liverpool. Their car startled a 15ft-long white rhino - and the brute rampaged towards them. Park boss David Ross slammed his foot on the accelerator and sped off with only seconds to spare. He said: "It certainly caused a bit of excitement in the car and we had to beat a hasty retreat. The rhino was sweltering in the heat and I think we got a bit too close." He added: "The boys fully enjoyed their trip - even though it was bit frightening." White rhinos are normally gentle vegetarians who almost never attack humans.'

I have despatched some of my trained rhinos to deal with Sandi Thom and George Michaels. Stay tuned to rubbish tabloid nespapers for more details...

As all the rubbish celebrities have felt the need to do (and see how I don't use the word 'write'?) their memoirs for the lucrative trashy tabloid hardback book market I can see no reason why my own tales of woe and glee should not prove as popular as at least a relatively minor footballer or someone who became famous by living in a house on the telly all day for a period of a few months with some other nobodies, being filmed 24 hours a day doing nothing of note. Here are some random tasters...

"Getting married was the most surreal experience of my life. Being told to face your partner and say lovely things to them while not wanting to laugh or cry with happiness is nearly impossible. I had to adopt a rather monotone delivery to get though it, which lasted until the ring almost got stuck..."

"... and then I realised with a mixture of horror and amusement that they were also rent boys and had asumed in their broken English thinking that we would want them to do more than just take our bags out of the taxi!"

"... she got more and more neurotic and frustrating about him. At least she had the sense not to upgrade the online instant messenger fling and occasional physical world kissing when nobody was looking into a full-blown affair. Surely tongues must have been wagging when he turned up at her shop (which she happened to live above) far more regularly than was necessary or normal? Of course not. All of my fellow managers were imbeciles..."

"...you don't really expect to see a famous gameshow host pissed as a tramp bouncing up and down in a gay club on a busy Friday night. You equally do not expect him to invite you and all of your friends back to his place for a party after attempting to kiss (aka lick the face of) every single one of us, do you? Luckily for us, we all had more common sense then some..."

"... and the it turned out that everyone was gay. My best friend and his 'best friend' who had been going out with a person of the female persuasion for quite some time now had been at it for ages! And the girl that got a fair share of male attention and her friend the tomboy? Well I never! And I never did. Not for bloody ages. Maybe this was why I could always empathise with Daffyd from Little Britain when that particular show crashed into the comedy universe all those years later ..."

"Living in student shared houses is over-rated. The people always end up being slightly mad or filthy. This one girl had both of those unwanted housemate qualities. We used to almost gag when she would do her 'weekly' washing load every fortnight and shortly after there would be usually only a couple of pairs of knickers on the line. At least the maximum of two showers a week helped do her bit for the environment although the carbon emissions from her room invalidated all that and more. I still to this day have never figured out how all those men chose to sleep with her in that room. Not that she was a prostitute of course..."

"... I cannot believe the cheek of the bastard! I was trying to sleep and there he was on the same bed I was by now doing a good impression of a sleeping person in, getting up to all sorts with yet another new 'boyfriend'! Why oh why did I go there? Why was I trying to prove the 'we can still be friends' thing could work? At least I was the first one out of the lot of us that he had been with him. I was the envy of our little world for a while then until it all went wrong. Of course, it was the end of the world at the time, as the first big disaster always is..."

"Doing any kind of 'dancing' with your brand new husband, even in a crowded room is scary. Doing it in a crowded room filled with a crowd who are all standing still and watching the two of you, some with cameras, while you attempt a slow romantic dance with a combined total of four left feet? Both shocking and hilarious! I think the alcohol and total feeling of invulnerability brought on by the love I was feeling made it better. The photos had me grinning in them, for God's sake. Sice when does that ever happen?"

"The first time you dump someone is horrible but also strangely gratifying. I felt like a coward for doing it over the phone but at least it wasn't by fax. The relief I experienced after doing the deed soon turned into the beginnings of an ego. About bloody time too!"

"Of all the people I would have expected to have become a rent boy I would never have chosen him! He hadn't the looks, the personality or the charm. He hadn't even got the voice. His phone rang when we were ou tone night and he dashed off to answer it in private, only for me to follow for a small bit of eavesdropping. I think that horribly inappropriate phone call was as far as his sex worker career got so he went back to manning the pizza-making corner in the student union bar after that."

"I couldn't help smiling when the local chav youth turned up to shout abuse at the orange gameshow host who was doing a signing for his autobiography. Maybe he didn't hear any of it over the fawning his 'people' were doing and the scary enthusiastic chatter of the weird inbred family who had queued for ages. It was disturbing how the mother and father both looked like identical twins. How was such a thing possible? I decided not to persue the science of this bizarre phenomena."

"... Alarm bells should have rung when he mysteriously did not have any photographs to email me. Upon my arrival at the station I felt the despair creeping in. I just knew that the scary looking kid (he was 17!) over the other side of the concourse who was headed my way was the man I was meeting. The further revelations that he was quite scary and his parents were on holiday did not put me at ease. The longest most uncomfortable date of my life was about to happen. I had learned the most important rule of online dating ..."

"When there is a knife (and for some of the time two knives) at your throat you go into this strangely calm place in your head. I managed to persuade them that the time-lock safe really did do exactly what it said on the tin so I raided the petty cash tin to make up for it. They got away with peanuts, (almost literally) and threw my shit mobile phone in the bin rather than take it with them. They never caught the cunts of course. Looking back it was character-building but at the time you're not really all that concerned with building your character, are you?"

"I had heard the cliches of gay men being close to their mothers but that didn't prepare me for this particular doomed relationship. I had to contend not only with his own controlling mother but his 'Faux-Mum' boss who tried to run his life by phoning several times a day and his 'best friend' who he used to go out with and who would phone about three times a day. That wasn't why this one was doomed but it was more like an amateur dramatics farce than a relationship sometimes, only without the vicar and bloomers ..."

"For a big woman (very broad and with masculine features) she had an irrational fear of transvestites. Some women are scared of little creepy crawlies but for her it was beefy men with rubbish wigs and badly-applied make-up. What a strange world."

"It's scary how the mind works sometimes. My husband had left his phone at home and had failed to pick me up from the station so I ran home as fast as I could, thinking of all the bad things that could have happened, preventing him from driving down the road to get me. By the time I got home and he was not dead or even hurt I wanted to cry. Stupid soppy bastard! At least I wasn't like those women who lose their children in shopping centres, worry themselves frantic and then slap the kid when they find them rather than give them a big hug. I don't want to end up like that, thank you very much ... "

So who will buy my book? Anybody? No?


I'll buy yours if you buy mine.

These vignettes are poignant and amusing. I bet Jodie Bimbo doesn't even know what those words mean. Ergo, get yourself onto a reality show pronto to raise interest.

Or not.

Literary memoirs are big business, aren't they?
me! me! i'll buy it too!

Steve Pemberton has now gone into hiding. Just in case...

... and yes I know there are technically four of them but it's my blog so bah...

Dilemma: Do I go for this or not? Do I want to be disappointed or will it be like the golden olden days and I'll kick myself if I don't go? What a fuckin' kerfuffle!

Little Britain Christmas Special
This is your chance to see the multi award winning Matt Lucas and David Walliams perform all of your favourite characters in a one off Christmas Special. Applications by phone only on Tel 020 8576 1227 (from 10:00am Tuesday 15th August). Tickets are in very high demand and requests are limited to 4 tickets per person. Lines will be very busy, but please keep calling.

Date(s) of show: Saturday September 2nd
Studio doors open: 7.00pm
Age Limit: Those under the age of 16 will not be admitted.
Venue: BBC Television Centre
Nearest tube: White City


"White City? That was where Ivor went to see the Little Britain pilot, series 1, series 2 and series 3 being filmed..." *cue the tears*

"He said series 3 was rather disappointing though as the repetition and lack of any actual character progression or funny new characters let the usually very funny Lucas and Walliams down very much indeed..." *bursts into tears again*

What did we do today? We tried and failed to map out our hectic social life for next week which currently has two work leaving do's (I hate rogue apostrophes but it looks wronger without one) , a much-postponed pub quiz, a birthday party, a dinner with some gays and a worky post-meeting pub-a-thon. These cannot all co-exist, which is annoying as most weeks I do fuck-all except sit here blogging and picking my nose. Bah.

What else did we do? We did a Mothers Day thing, even though it is not that actual greeting card-inspiring day. We picked up mine and then his mother from Essex (yes we are common) and took them to the retail mecca (no, not that Mecca) of Lakeside in Thurrock where we laughed and pointed at the hugely fat families eating their KFCs. It were right hilarious. We had Pizza Hut Lite to blend in. We went shopping for things and bought things. We used some of our wedding present vouchers and got some frames for the 'big official photos' and some slippers for The Wonderful Husband and, of course, visited our favourite shop in the whole world: Hotel Chocolat! Mmmmm... I had a surprise in HMV while glaring at the rude woman whose children were running riot (she used the classic incorrect childcare maneouvre of letting them make chaos and then shouting at them, which made them misbehave even more and cause her to screech their chav names across the shop while muttering about "pulling their arm out its socket" in that inbred voice. You know the one) I found some bargains. Tomb Of The Cybermen was only £9.99! A classic 1967 Patrick Troughton DVD? Of course I was going to purchase that. I added Revelation Of The Daleks, that Dalek one where there is no revelation of any kind and it has Colin Baker in it, as that was £9.99 as well. And why not? I got that Scritti Politti CD too at last. Then Cheryl texted me to say that she had ticked off another box on her 'Meet The League Of Gentlemen scorecard' by bumping into that Mark Gatiss at a Doctor Who signing. Gah!

Yes, I am aware that these are the Region 1 covers but they're nicer.

My song of the day, via Sugartown's mp3 blog, is 'School Uniform' by The Pipettes. Not just because of the rather wrong lyrics, honest. Scroll down the link until you find the mp3, right-click it and play all day. OK?

I bought myself a present today. It's a 5 inch Cyberman to go with my Doctor, Rose and K-9.

What shall I call my Cyberman? I like to think it is the Yvonne Cyberman so it may be called Tracy Ann Cyberman. Or not. It is currently posed (very poseable, you know) in a camp walk style, looking over its shoulder with hands on hips. So not evil.

The stalker has been out down my manor, in Drury Lane. Result!

As if we needed another reason to hate Gwen Stefani... She 'needs' a monstertruck 4x4 to take her baby out for a spin. So it's the awful records, diva moods, silly backing women, hideous clothes range, tranny dress sense and poitnless and dangerous gas-guzzling vehicle on the list so far.

Why are humans so stoopid?

"I would imagine it is linked to the fact that people in Norfolk are quite inbred with not many leaving the county. It is something that needs to be looked at as a priority, especially as many cases are linked with obesity too... If you look at the names in Norfolk, there's a lot of them that are the same. There is an inbreeding complex in Norfolk villages - people inter-marry. That might mean more of them have got the same gene which predisposes them to it."

Labour MP Doctor Ian Gibson tries to rationalise why the children of Norfolk have managed to get double the national average of cases of type 1 diabetes. We know the mnemonic for Norwich is 'Nickers Off Ready When I Come Home' but what is the Norfolk mnemonic? Does it involve marrying your cousin? Oh dear.

To be fair, he didn't actually say that Norfolk folk are marrying blood relations, only that they stay in county for life and marry (do heterosexuals still get married? I thought the gays had ruined that) people who may tend to do the same. That's hardly on the scale of genuine inbreds like the royal family or George Bush, now is it?

What is that wacky George up to now? He's so funny!
Let this photo be a warning to anybody having impure thoughts of a certain kind.

As a real-life friend who has rebooted his blog , Mr Badcrumble (aka my bridesmaid James. He wasn't really my bridesmaid but he did get us the 'cat' and the 'dog' which were our favourite wedding presents) deserves a plug here. So here it is...

Go visit his Tangled Web. He's not a spider or Spider-Man. He's not even Spider-Woman (which one do you prefer? I'm with Jessica Drew everytime!) and most definitely not that abhorrent Spider-Girl.


It's all my fault, apparently: "Oh... and while I remember... you can blame Dan . It's all his fault.. ALL of it.. Invasion of Poland, development of the atom bomb.... Anthea Turner... yes all these crimes against humanity can be traced right back to Mr. H. More specifically.. he's shamed me into dusting off the blog again."

I don't mind getting the blame for that although I cannot take the blame for Poland.

Presenting the full report fom The official BBC Site, with bracketty boldness comments from King Of The Geeks aka me:
With Christmas special The Runaway Bride (aka that woman with the catchphrases who will be okay because she, like Tracy Ann Oberman before her, was great in 'Big Train') now in the can, the new series of Doctor Who starts filming this week. Joining David Tennant is newcomer Freema Agyeman, who will play medical student Martha Jones. (Fucking students! Bah!) "I am still pinching myself and can't wait to get started!" Says Freema. "It's been nerve wracking but David has been brilliant in helping me to adjust on my first days on set. I am really looking forward to travelling through time and space with him over the next eight months."
Russell T Davies, writer and Executive Producer, adds: "We were delighted and honoured by the second series' success, and we can promise new thrills, new laughs and some terrifying new aliens. The Doctor and Martha are destined to meet William Shakespeare on Earth, blood sucking alien Plasmavores (on Earth?), The Judoon - a clan of galactic stormtroopers probably in Wales and a sinister intelligence at work in 1930's New York (Earth again!.)" Filming of the Christmas episode which guest stars Catherine Tate as a bride who finds her wedding day interrupted by an alien plot to destroy the earth has already been completed. The storyline features the return of the Robot Santas (why oh why? They had no point last time!) and also guest stars Sarah Parish (hurrah! From 'Blackpool'!) as the evil, alien mastermind.
Returning cast members include John Barrowman (Did I mention 'Torchwood'?) who will be making an appearance in the series finale. Guest stars include Anne Reid ('Dinnerladies'!) , Roy Marsden, and Don Gilet.
Writers for Series Three include Russell T Davies, Steven Moffat, Gareth Roberts, Paul Cornell Hurrah! , Helen Raynor, Chris Chibnall Who? and Stephen Greenhorn Who? again. Charles Palmer, Euros Lyn, Graeme Harper (my favourite) and Richard Clarke will take on directing duties.

How nice does the Tennant look there? The shoes are good too but not in that particular shot. Not that I have a thing about feet or nuffink or something...

A brief update on the stuff what happens before I leave for work for the second time today:

That Blogger Ben Baker's radio show thing last night was great and when partnered with a big MSN chat window of listeners it became time-delay confusing in a quite fun retro Eurovision way.

My fun evening tonight has been scrapped as I am now closing the bookshop rather than being free at a sensible time to go down the pub. At least I hadn't got on the train when I got the call. That would have put me up to orange alert for sure, and that's not pretty. Bah humbug.

What exactly would attempting to blow up some planes actually achieve (apart from death and destruction with a smidgen of chaos?) exactly? Muthafuckers! I think I have just answered my own question... I bet all those snooty businessmen who take their laptops on planes so they can pretend to do work but are in fact just playing solitaire are even more prickly than usual today.


Look! It's a new picture of you know what! Blue suit? I like that. More pictures here and the press release for season three is here.

What is it about spammers that they think everyone's got cock rock problems?

This tonic tab was created to help your pennis!
Sims [crunchcanton@musician.org]
To: dan@project76.co.uk
Hello my friend, Millions of men are facing this issue, and the smartest ones already got an answer. The great thing about Extra-Time is that it works, making you last longer from the very first time. Have your partners ever told you they would like you to finish later? Chances are they did. Find what you need: http://drosaster.com/gall/get/ She just won't be able to leave you at all! Be her number one forever! You'll have a huge crush on each other again.

I love the Google Analytics information about this site that My Lovely Husband collates. We have a Top 100 search phrases list for the way that people got here in July and even though it is a bit long I feel I should share it with the world. OK, here goes, with particularly disturbing/funny ones in bold of course, and comments by me in italics ...

fish and cushion Yay! Our favourite Mitchell And Webb sketch!
ben mockney
feem blow job movies Huh?
justjared.com
liam fox actor dinnerladies Who is he? I dunno!
wattnot
benbaker Baker proves extremely popular with Googley types!
qenny.blogspot.com As does Qenny!
readers wives
tardis polo shirt I do not own such a thing!
episode 3 clips from sinchronicity
garlis
gary barlow
mitchell and webb "studio 4" That's where they filmed it.
mitchell webb chip and pin Other M&W characters we love.
tony harrison mighty boosh picture
lucy porter image
cybermen in wales
david tennant stripped Where?
he doesn't look a thing like jesus Yay for The Kilers!
how to make a dalek cake This actually happened.
kenneth clarke invented road humps Did he?
no gypsy sid pegg
olivia colman naked In that film Confetti probably.
wentworth miller pictures
holiday showdown theme tune
photos from channel four "boys will be girls"
gavin henson Never mentioned that ladyboy here.
annually retentive bbc reviews
auto biography "stan lee"
big brother housemate that wore high heels with ant and makosi
boots botanics vegetarian
chav mobile
don't feel like dancing scissor sisters mp3
lucy porter block 76 Weird word comination.
marvel nextwave tabby
reveal magazine david tennant belly What the...?
screen wipe
orlaith
metropolitan line
the honeytraps - wishing lyrics
charlie brooker
lizzie bardsley topless Crikey!
adam rickitt best thing video
brighton "lynn truss" In inverted commas?
geri halliwell jehovah's witnesses Is she?
jade goody
i don't feel like dancing mp3 scissor sisters
dan gillespie-sells gay
rudebox blog Nooooo!
camille coduri boobs Jackie Tyler's tits?
celebrity spotter matt lucas
libellous rumour celebrity gossip blog
that mitchell and webb look
something or nothing vicky pollard
an audience with coronation street antony cotton
avengers panel
channel 4 documentary cocaine incidental music
david tennant vegetarian
david walliams paparazzi images
hooded claw
marvel masterpieces box
reality-show helen transsexual Who is she?
who played teenage drug dealer josh on tv's weeds? I know and will show!*
david tennant gay No he's not.
robbie williams gay Erm...
mark gatiss He is.
time trumpet
tk maxx costs less, jackson looks a mess True, Mr R Walliams.
abducted by the daleks Was I?
mitchell and webb look garden centre Love that new sketch.
has jodie marsh had a boob job?
the green clarinet Mitchell & Webb again!
tracy-ann oberman We love her!
wannaburger edinburgh
david cameron you tube jonathan ross
keith macdonald chav
make your own kind of music download free mama cass
tv michael parkinson the go-team Interesting idea!
bree from big brother nude photo shoot
cardiff
cbs's tracy smith fucking
fanny fun Lovely. Sue Perkins?
itv finders keepers
lily allen
madame tussauds george best
rudebox lyrics maxx
supersize surgery television show franny
the heart attack "cee lo green" "jack splash"
night out for matt lucas (near left) and boyfriend kevin mcgee
lizzie bardsley
chavsex Bardsley again?
geoff posner TV Comedy Producer Supremo.
boys will be girls honeytraps Oh dear. Boy band as girl band.
emma b glamour model
mandle candles So last year!
monster cocks Cocks belonging to monsters?
green clarinet
kevin mcgee matt lucas
clomacom What?

* Answer: Teenage drug dealer Josh on TV's 'Weeds': Justin Chatwin.

My Non-Hunk OF The Month is David Cameron.

In swimming trunks.

I don't feel very well now.

Is he copying Tony Blair again?

Words cannot express how disappointed I was this morning when opening the new pack of Hobnobs only to realise that they are the new 'Hobnobs Lite' and feel all wrong. Delicious oaty texture my arse!

These 'nobs wouldn't satisfy anybody!

A little bit of politics... kind of. The whole insanity of a certain type of American (you know the type, the ones that taint a whole country's reputation with their nasty blinkered views and proabably over-ample posteriors and lack of volume control) can be summed up by The Dixie Chicks 'scandal' that should never have been anywhere near as much a kerfuffle as it has been. While I have never thought about their music as it's not my kind of listening pleasure, I have to give them some brownie points for managing to cause an outrage among the 'Middle America' by speaking their minds. They forgot that America was under a Christian version of Taliban rule when singer Natalie Maines told audiences at the Shepherds Bush Empire in 2003 that she was ashamed that the other non-shepherdy Bush aka Mister George W Bush came from her home state of Texas. Fair enough, you would think. It's not like she shouted "death to the Republican infidels" or anything genuinely inflammatory? Yeah but no... the backlash began in full force (One Amazon reviewer posted "I used to love almost everything the Chicks sang and played, but never ever will I buy another Dixie Chicks CD. I have a son in the military, and we don't support those who can't respect our leaders") and the band were described as 'traitors' for not supporting the reasons behind the Iraq invasion (and who here didn't at least express a bit of concern over that fiasco?) and their sales plummeted. Now they have had to reschedule a load of Middle America gigs and add some more Canadian dates, where the more sensible people seem to have got into their sound. Their sound seems to have mutated into something a little less pure country, which may not be a bad thing. I hope they stop getting death threats from those christian Christians soon. God bless America!

Their new song is produced by Rick Rubin! Blimey.

Don't worry, I haven't gone all country.

Morrissey doesn't like daytime telly people who transfer to early evening slots very much. He iunformed me most unenthusiastically that while he admired the work that Jeremy Kyle is doing for the pram-face community he has not yet forgiven Richard Madeley and his wife for leaving the show with the wobbly outdoor map just yet: "Thank you to the British television person (I'm not exactly sure what he does) Richard Madeley who, at least, made me laugh recently by referring to me as an 'insufferable puffed-up prat'. This comment may or may not be true, but I think it's a bit rich coming from a man who actually married his own mother." He really did say that. Honestly, I am not a liar or nuffink.

The Restricted Growth Association or RGA are a bit miffed that Scottish Scottish dialect writing Scottish writer Irvine Welsh has co-written a play about the seedier side of the people who played Munchkins in that gay film The Wizard Of Oz. "People of restricted growth are not Munchkins," said Ruth Morgan. "They are people of restricted growth." The play opens somewhere a bit pretentious soon. Really. I am not making this up either!

Pssssstttt... Whoops! Anyone got a puncture repair kit? Anyway, which famous(ish) sexpert who does that irritationg self-helpy sex and relationships schtick on the telly sometimes and has written far too many books about f*cking has split up with her husband and gone a bit loopy in a bookshop? According to a not-so little bird the lady in question insisted on putting all of her titles in a prominent position while dumping rival tomes on the floor. It wasn't anywhere I have shopped in, in case you wonder. Blimey!



I love horses, like the magazine's feem toon went but I draw the line at the royal family's z-listers. Princess Beatrice has rebelled in a double-bluff way by saying that she wants to be just like her mother, the ginger minx Fergie Ferguson Thingy. She told me "'She is the best advice-giver I could possibly ever wish for. She leads by example and her behaviour is one that I'd really like to follow." Yikes! I am concerned for all sandal-wearing males in this period of hot wearher. Keep those toes covered, boys! She is a 'Princess' in the Den Watts way and no other!

That mad cokehead Grace Jones has woken up for her bi-annual haunting of London. Inbetween smacking photographers and barking she told me a great anecdote: "Eh eh ehhh... eh ehhhhh ehhh! Eh! Eh! Eh eh ehhhhhh!" shrieked the tiresomely androgynous 'what is she famous for anyway?' woman while pummelling the haed of a papparazzi again. Yawn...

I am disgusted that 6,500 couples have mocked marriage by getting hitched gaywise since it became law in December last year. That's only 13,000 people. We need more, to balance the amount of heterosexual divorce! If we took celebrities out of the equation there would in fact only be three divorces a year in Great Britain. Whatever happened to marrying someone you grow to hate and living in misery with them until either they die first or you do, welcoming the release of death from this hateful institution? Only in Blair's Britain! I would rather live under Sharia Law sometimes, honestly.


Robbie Walliams' piss poor rap-induced delusions have reached a new low. He was spotted by a mole dressed as both Salt AND Pepa. At the same time. For real...

The latest almost-a-meme doing the rounds is the 'How sinful are you?' test. I have proven myself to be a fucking saint, although I may be some kind of creeping monkey creature.

Greed:	Very Low
Gluttony:	Low
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	Very Low

If you feel so inclined and want to also be a Pet Shop Boys song you can Discover Your Sins - Click Here or simply have a bit of cake, then another bit of cake, send an evil anonymous text to someone who done did do you wrong, take a nap, go green in the face, rub your legs like Vic Reeves at an attractive person and then take yourself far too seriously. Or maybe the last one involves dressing up in hotpants and glitter, waving a multi-coloured flag around and marching down the street like a bit of a twat.

After chatting with the Fascinating Mister Tandy (no URL as not an online presence in that way these days , more's the shame) about being a certain kind of gay, I have decided to build my own gay bar. Out of Lego. It will have music of an acceptable volume so as to allow for polite conversation without the shouting, it will have comfortable chairs aplenty, and the dance floor will be replaced by a selection of boardgames and the odd buzzer-style Playstation 2 quiz game voiced by an Australian ex-soap star. It will serve biscuits and home made cakes and there will alwsys be a pot of tea on. Sue Perkins will be the landlady and be hilariously witty and a bit too posh. Nobody will peel their silly much too small t-shirts off and dance alone staring into mirrors while fantasising about having sex with themselves. The music will be interrupted by occasional re-runs of old radio panel shows from the days where gays were reviled creatures of the night (I don't mean you, George Michaels!) and it will be fabulous.

Who wants to donate to my fund to make a Friendly Venue for Lazy Polite Homosexuals?

Ah, come on.

From BBC In-house magazine Ariel and mentioned in The Stage: "CBBC is developing a spin-off series from Doctor Who based on the adventures of investigative journalist Sarah Jane, played by Elizabeth Sladen, and to be written by Russell T Davies. Sladen, who originally played the Doctor's assistant in 1973, returned for the last series where she was seen vying with young Rose Tyler for the Doctor's affections."

Oh.

My.

God.

No.

It's all getting too much. Doctor Who, Torchwood, that K-9 CGI cartoon and now this?

Please. You're going to ruin it all!


I want a 12" Cyber Leader!

I finally got round to watching 'The Amazing Screw-On Head' pilot and it's fucking fantastic! Based on the comic by 'Hellboy' creator Mike Mignola (so it's a bit weirdy, with monsters, ghosts, werewolves and posh old English people) and adapted for the small screen by 'Dead Like Me' and 'Wonderfalls' creator Brian Fuller (so it's very funny in a geeky not-yer-corny American way) , it cannot, for me anyway, fail!

The blurb for the comic reads as follows: 'Yes, even the creator of the world's greatest supernatural investigator needs a break once in a while, and when Mike Mignola tires (however briefly) of a steady diet of Hellboy, he turns to diversions such as The Amazing Screw-On Head! When Emperor Zombie threatens the safety of all life on Earth, the president enlists the aid of a mechanical head. With Screw-On Head and Mr. Groin on the job, you just know there will be flying machines to be piloted, tombs to be robbed, and weird alien menaces to be thwarted -- all that and talking dogs, too! It's pure mayhem -- and pure Mignola! '

The plot of the TV pilot is as follows, in my words: Screw-On Head (voiced by Paul Giamatti from 'Sideways') is sent on another mission by President Abraham Lincoln, accompanied by his loyal butler and assistant Mr Groin. They have to stop the evil Emperor Zombie (voiced by David Hyde Pierce, whose rotting flesh is permanently surrounded by flies) from destroying the world along with some evil old ladies and a monkey that wears a crown (or is it a tiara?) and this worries Mr Groin as Emperor Zombie has a personal vendetta against the Groins and has killed every generation of them for quite a long time (and was indeed one himself once). He is accompanied by the undead version of Screw-On Head's only true love, Patience. It doesn't have to make sense to be brilliant, OK?
This is strongly recommended to comic fans, Boosh addicts (they seem rather inspired by Mignola's style) and fans of off-beat humour.

Quotes from IMDB:
Amazing Screw-On Head: "America is depending on me, Mr. President! And by America, I mean the world."

Emperor Zombie: "Here it is! Bangang Pagro-Esh. The left eye of Nog. The jewel worshipped by the wizards of Mu and the black priests of Atlantis, finally passed down to Gung the Magnificent who was chosen by the gods to conquer the world with it! And now, it's my... Ew!
[the artifact turns out to be a turnip] It's not a jewel! It's a dirty old piece of crap! "

It MUST be made into a full series!

Is it Christmas yet?

'Bones' is almost back and it's still the crime show for nerds. Season twp sees the addition of that woman who played Walt's dead mum in 'Lost' and she's meant to have some sexual frisson with that Angel bloke David Boreanaz due to a previous encounter. It sounds too soap opera-y to me. Enough with the unresolved tension between Booth and Bones! Let's get it on...

... but nobody watches the show so everyone reading this looks all "huh?"

Another day, another pilot to watch. After finding 'Eureka' rather dull and sci-fi, and new comedy drama 'Psych' just lame, I tried a bit of 'Brotherhood' which was on Showtime so should have been good. It was too gritty for me so I gave up. Bah. Then I found one I liked.

ABC's 'The Nine' starts in America in October and should end up on British telly as it's the kind of thing we like. It's a bit '24' , a bit 'Lost' and a bit 'E.R' but none of these influences make it a knock-off of those shows. The premise? A bank robbery occurs and we follow the lives of nine of the hostages before, during and after the event. With flashbacks all over the place to slowly reveal some of the tramas of their 72 hours of hell and plenty of character building, the pilot impressed me quite a bit. There are questions that didn't get answered but enough is revealed to keep the viewer hooked and the cast is pretty good and mostly familiar:

1. Lourdes Benedictino aka that horrible Carrie Turner from '24.
3. Scott Wolf aka Bailey from 'Party Of Five' and therefore fictional brother of Doctor Jack from 'Lost.
5. Tim Daly aka Harlan from 'Eyes' and the real life brother of Mary-Beth Lacey.
6. Kim Raver aka Audrey from '24' which may mean Jack Bauer has lost another girlfriend!
10. Owain Yeoman aka Steven the British guy in 'Kitchen Confidential' which nobody except me watched.

Yeah I know that makes ten people in 'The Nine.' Number ten is one of the bank robbers.

It had Beth Orton on the soundtrack too. Nice.

I have just wasted the entire day so far (it is now 5pm) being ill. I am fine all week when I have to go to work, it finally gets to be the weekend and I feel like shit. After trying various methods to get rid of the evil sinus headaches (yes, I had two at once. Wanna argue that point? I dare you!) I have just crawled off the sofa again and am cured. So that's approximately an entire length of a working day wasted. I hate myself (but not like the way Kurt Cobain did) sometimes.
This time wastage means I now have a large load of washing to get out of the machine and iron, plus the dinner I promised to cook is weighing heavy on my mind, the bastard. The life of a housewife is never easy. I think some more of that Kath & Kim DVD boxset is needed. By the way, that particular comerdee Aussie show is back (back!) on real telly on Monday night.

In other poofy media news and that, those Scissor Sisters have made a video for that Elton Johny song about not dancing. In an hilarious moment of forgetfulness they do rather a lot of dancing in it, especially the one who looks a bit like a crazy rent boy (that sounds familiar, maybe another tale for my forthcoming tell-all book...) because he just can't help it. It's all very colourful and camp and gay and stuff so those pink pounds will be ker-chinging away when it's out in ver gay shops in the gay high street in the gay villange and... Anyway,

XO has the video on his blog site.

Endemol had better get the credit note books out for refunding all those angry people who voted to get rid of the obnoxious little morons who have been turfed out of that 'house' so far... Big Brother are letting some of the evicted housemates back to live in the 'secret' house next door with a plan to make one of them return to the main house and be eligable to win the thing! No Shahbaz though as he lost the plot (yes I am symathetic really to unstable people being exploited on telly) and is now just constantly emitting a high frequency yelping noise (a bit like fellow loony tune Mariah Carey) that only dogs and crazy people can hear. Quite unsuitable for an appearance on yer telly. So I'm not watching!

Hello loyal readers!

The whole project76 site will be going down at approximately 6pm on WEDNESDAY whilst it's getting new bandwidth and stuff. We hope to restore it as quickly as possible, however it is likely to be down until Thursday morning. Thanks for bearing with us!

Jamie

I wouldn't usually pick up the meme challenge in full as I have kissing and cuddling to do but as Lovely Husband is in Leicester (yikes) for a work thing and I am here all alone in pants and smelling all shower-fresh with a hint of Cillit Bang (don't ask) I suppose I can give in.

That bastard Monkey that twinkles has meme'd me. Loads of questions need sensible anwers...
Rapper Name?
Antony Carmichael The Third.
Alternative Rock Band Name?
The Eh-Eh-Ehhhs.
Name your pain?
Sinus headaches, hayfever, backache, dust allergies, etc.
1 True Word That Symbolizes God?
Who?
1 True Love or 1 Million Dollars?
Not 1 True Voice, defunct 'Pop Star Rivals' to Girls Aloud?
I choose true love as I already have it and like it rather a lot.
Live Free or Die Stupid?
Er...
Purist, happiest moment ever? (8 words or less)
That wedding what we did.
(A curious mix of hysterical laughter and emotional happy tears. In my mind)
Most Influential Life Lesson?
Being a poof is not a sin.
Most Successful Person You Least Admire?
The entire contents of all those celebrity magzines.
Where we go when we die? (1 word)
Essex.
Worst TV Show of the Past Decade?
According To Besx. We were trapped at the recording. I still have nightmares.
Best TV Show of the Past Decade?
That Mitchell And Webb Look... BBC2 September 2006!
Still with me, yes or no?
Maybe.
Burning Building - baby or dog?
Baby of course.
Who runs the world? (2 words or less)
According to Jarvis it's cunts. But everybody wanted to, after that Tears For Fears song was re-recorded for charity that time soon after Live Aid.
Worst Idea You Ever Had?
Agreeing to 'get married' in the student union in a wedding suit in 1995 in a big gay protest, to the gay slut man who ran the LGB Society, as nobody else would do it. Oh, the infamy!
Shittiest Job You Ever Had?
Manager of Pizza Hut Delivery in East Ham. It'll all be in my forthcoming book.
Best Job You've Ever Had?
Benign dictator of a City Bookshop.

Happy moment picture! The end!

Who to meme next? Clive? Cheryl? Norton? Er...

The rip in the space/time continuum is weakening the separation of the real world and the world what is on yer telly. After Vicky Pollard-isms lead to nursery schooling being like totally ruined it has now been proven that her fellow fictional woman-played-by-a-man character Marjorie Dawes has ruined the real-life Fat Fighters aka Weight Watchers!

Yeah right...

Weight Watchers sheds 15pc in a year - that's people not pounds
by EMILY COOK, Daily Mail
08:10am 4th August 2006
It inspired Little Britain's hit TV spoof - where the vicious Marjorie Dawes humiliates her 'Fat Fighters' to help them shed the pounds. Now it seems that Britain's biggest slimming club is trimming down for the wrong reasons after losing thousands of its members... In the Little Britain comedy sketch, the group sessions are parodied by Matt Lucas' character, Marjorie Dawes. The cruel instructor runs the fictional diet club 'Fat Fighters' and ritually humiliates her members. She once famously advised them to eat dust in order to lose weight. People who want to join a diet club, however, should not be put off. According to a recent study, slimming groups such as Weight Watchers are the best way to lose weight.

That's not all that's gone a bit wrong since the Cybermen weakened the link between the worlds...
Only gay burglar in the village
Metro, August 4, 2006
Life, as we know, is not easy in the Welsh valleys when you're the 'only gay in the village'.
But it does mean that, if you turn to burglary, you're likely to stick out like a sore thumb.
So when Lance Williams joined a house break-in, his victim recognised him straight away – because of his distinctive 'camp' walk. Williams was well known around his town, which has population of just 5,700. So he disguised himself with a scarf and put on a deep voice when he broke into Nigel Jones's house to steal £400. The 19-year-old forced Mr Jones face-down on to a sofa and stabbed him with a knife. But the 42-year-old avoided serious injury because he was wearing a thick body-warmer. Three burglars were filmed on CCTV as they left Mr Jones's house. But only Williams was caught because the victim recognised the way he walked.
Prosecutor Michael Hammett said yesterday: 'Mr Jones was shown CCTV footage.
'He knew him as a local youth who had a distinctive walk.' Williams, of Rhymney, Gwent, admitted aggravated burglary.
Defence lawyer Eugene Egan said the factory worker's behaviour was a 'reaction to being teased about his sexuality'. He said Williams was 'teased mercilessly' and had been dubbed 'the only gay in the village' after Daffyd from TV's Little Britain. Mr Egan added: 'He is an openly gay man and quite camp. 'The local youths all know what he is like. He is going to be an easy target in prison'. At Cardiff Crown Court, judge David Morris jailed Williams for five years.
'This may have been a reaction to the kind of taunting you have suffered over the years because of your sexuality,' he said. 'But the public should know that those who burgle while armed with a knife, and use that knife, can only expect a substantial loss of liberty.'
After the sentencing, Mr Jones said: 'I recognised Williams immediately. He is the only gay in this village.'

Oh just fuck off, Little Britain-isms!

Time Trumpet is on tonight! Probably. Unless the Daily Mail has its way.
From Chortle:
'Ban this sick sketch'
MPs' outrage at Iannucci show
MPs are calling on the BBC to pull Armando Iannucci’s new comedy show because it features spoof footage of Tony Blair being assassinated and terrorists crashing an airliner into Big Ben. The politicians, and the Daily Mail, are outraged over doctored clips in an Oscar-style 'Terrorism Awards' sketch that features his new BBC Two series, Time Trumpet. As well as the al-Qaeda attack, and a picture of Blair with a bullet hole in his head after being 'shot as he slept beside his wife', the sketch also features a Hamas bombing in Tel Aviv. BBC newsman Peter Snow and presenter Philippa Forrester introduce the nominees, and applause and laughter has been dubbed on afterwards. Andrew Dismore, Labour MP for Hendon, told the Daily Mail it was 'absolutely sick.'

It's Brasseye all over again! Or just a good bit of publicity for the show. Hmm...

I have some stats for the website. I assume they're good and The Husband seems pleased but I know bugger all about this kind of thing. Does anyone else use Google Analytics to collate data on their site? I need something to compare them to!




So we can deduce that I get a lot of new readers and they come mostly from En-Ger-Land with a bit of America and some other places that ... er... I didn't do GCSE geography so, er, yeah.

The bleed between the world of fiction and this 'real' world is a bit weak ever since those Daleks and Cybermen did that fing wiv that device so is it any wonder people are getting confused? Take The Daily Mail. Please, like an old Mother-In-Law joke, somebody take it! They still think that cult BBCThree comedy Little Britain (there was only ever one very funny series, look into my eyes...) is real and it affects everything:
'Vicky Pollard' warning to nursery staff
17:12pm 2nd August 2006
Illiterate nursery staff who discuss their nights out drinking in front of toddlers risk creating a generation of "Vicky Pollards", a teachers' leader warned today. Too many students starting childcare training courses write using only the shorthand language of text messages, said Deborah Lawson, chair of the Professional Association of Teachers. And growing numbers of young staff in nurseries dress inappropriately, with long nails and "chunky" shoes, and discuss their social lives in front of children, she said.

... and so it goes. The article fails to be alarmist about kids in Scotland talking in riddles or the fear that stage hypnotists may use their rubbish powers of persuasion for small personal gain but there you go. It's the after-effect of those Cybermen and Daleks causing all those kerfuffles. Or maybe it's just stupid lazy journalism. Who knows?

Worst offer of the week:
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I'd rather eat sick my own sick then share some of Sarah Beeny's sick with her.

The 'Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes Religion Special' has been axed after Madonna accidentally got crucified. She's not due to rise from the dead until next Easter and her official deputy in all matters tacky and shrill, Gwen Stefani, has refused to do it.
Too bad, I was so looking forward to Mel Gibson turning up pissed, having a pop at the Jews (not that I approve of that kind of thing) , and then forgetting all about it and blaming the drink. Again.


I have had a complaint that this blog is not as much about my life as it used to be. Well, my life is extremely grown-up and non-showbiz since the move from 'Up West' to 'The City' to work each day. With great power comes great responsibility, and with great responsibility comes a lot of muttering and caffeine. I did a load of EAN barcode number scans today for the new computer system that my shop is trial-running. I also made lists of problematic barcodes, ordered a shedload of Penguins (the books, not the birds, and not the chocolate covered biscuits neither) and thought about Christmas again. See? I told you it was exciting.

Lyric of the day comes from Scritti Politti, whose new album is nominated for one of those Mercury Music Prize things. From Doctor Abernathy:
"Doctor Abenathy called to see if you were here.
He wanted heroin. I gave him beer.
Doctor Abernathy called to see if you were in.
He wanted mescalin. I gave him gin."

Erm. It's a great album though. Really.

As Armistead Maupin is core reading for the Gay English that the loony lefties teach these days instead of Right Or Wrong, I believe that the whole of the country will have read and enjoyed The Night Listener. They may be, like me, a tad concerned that the film of the book is out soon and it stars Stoke On Trent Cockernee Rhyming Slag Robbie Williams as Gabriel Noone aka the almost literal role of the actual author as the character is an old gay who writes books...

I thought Robbie was busy shaking his Rude Box all over your place like he's standing on a ladmine while ringing you on his landline or summink?

Or is that Robin Williams? Nanu nanu, it is indeed him. I hope he does the 'calm' acting and not the 'fucking annoying man child even though he is dead old now' acting. I think he shall be alright, as I have seen a few clips and that. It's got a twist and everyfink! You'll never guess what...

Oh! It's that Sandra actress from Sideways! Wine? Anybody? No?

Comedy warm-up short lady Lucy Porter has moved house! I can 'exclusively' reveal that she no longer lives in the rubbish studio flat in Elephant & Castle but has moved in with a friend in the much nicer Holloway. Well, Elephant is the shittiest of all the dirty holes in London so well done! The effervescent comedian who does marvellous warm-ups told me (via my thieving the quote from the internet) that "Anthea (Turner) is always on about how CDs and DVDs are not ornaments and you mustn't have these things displayed in your house. In fact, the only things I do possess are my Father Ted, Seinfeld and Spaced DVDs and I'm afraid they are on display." Strangely, she still believes that she hasn't moved yet when performing on stage but maybe it's all a ventriloquism act and the pupetteer has not yet been informed. He has now! Hi-larious! Thanks, Lucy Porter. I am not your stalker. Honest. No, really. I'm not. But I can arrange one for you if you so desire...

The latest new housemates have been announced for that Big Brother show. Yes, they're Tribbbles. Does anyone have a problem with that? If they can have an endless procession of vain vaguely humanoid creatures then surely it is about time that some furry balls of shite get their moment in the celebrity spotlight, isn't it? I am sure they will bond with Glyn. Then 'sexual terrorist' Richard will try to shag them and they'll be out the back door quicker than you can say "People with mental problems really should be spotted by these so-called 'experts' before being placed in a high-stress environment for the public's viewing pleasure"...

The Daily Mail is famous for writing bollocks, as we know. It's actually a distnat cousin of The Onion but only a select few are in on the joke. Today it over-stepped the line of acceptability once again with the following claptrap:

What's wrong with being Blunt?

By SARAH SANDS, Daily Mail 22:34pm 1st August 2006
"He writes songs you can actually sing, doesn't do drugs and has fought for his country. So why am I the only person who doesn't hate James Blunt?"

... yes, you are. With silly quotes like the following one, you should be ashamed of yourself:

"Absurdly and poignantly, Sir Elton John and David Furnish chose to have it played - by the man himself - at their wedding. Yes, a chubby, middle-aged man with a hair transplant felt beautiful because Blunt's song made him feel that way."

Ah, the chubby middle aged bald Elton John likes it! It made him feel beautiful! Er... The articles goes on to mention how nice and well-behaved Blunt is and goes for the lazy journalism 'special move' of bringing in a comparison figure... "Compare this to Lily Allen, the 21-year-old singer who has become the rock darling of this summer. Critics write fondly of her expulsion from school, her coke-head friends, her spell in The Priory and her jaunty little number, Smile. "

So that makes it alright then.

Mel Gibson has has his ten pints of coffee and watched the 'hilarious' tapes of him having a right go at yer Jews. I spy a potential new reality series of famous people acting like utter tits. How about 'I'm Famous And Racist, Get Me Outta Here!'? How's this for an apology? "There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who thinks or expresses any kind of anti-semitic remark. I want to apologise specifically to everyone in the Jewish community for the vitriolic and harmful words that I said to a law enforcement officer the night I was arrested. I'm not just asking for forgiveness. I would like to take it one step further and meet with leaders in the Jewish community, with whom I can have a one-on-one discussion to discern the appropriate path for healing. I am in the process of understanding where those vicious words came from during that drunken display, and I am asking the Jewish community, whom I have personally offended, to help me on my journey through recovery ... I know there will be many in that community who will want nothing to do with me, that would be understandable. But I pray that door is not forever closed."

They should tell him to fuck off, the bullshitting Nazi. And Lethal Weapon 6.5 was shit too!

Does anyone want to go on holiday to Manhattan with a group of untidy litterbugs? I plan to eat endless individually wrapped boiled seets and create mayhem with the wrappers on the streets that Boy George has been ordered to sweep as punishment for that whole 'misunderstanding' about the burglary and the bag of cocaine and all that legal jazz (powder). I may even borrow an incontinent dog to compensate me for all the shit that Boy George has said over the years ...

Never mind us gay married types 'mocking' marriage. How about rubbish celebrities who seem to be on a crusade to mock it to death? That Warrington bint who used to sing badly but now promotes chav supermarkets in between rehab jaunts known as Kerry Katona is up the duff by her twelfth fiance in as many months and wants to get married (and she still hasn't got divorced from that Westlife dullard) so she can have the same name as the sprog. Why would she want to be known as Tinkerbelle Canesten Butterkist Katona? The mind boggles... And Jug-eared adulterer Gary Lineker has had to give a lot of those nasty bags of crisps to his wife after those tales off Popbitch appear to have been more than malicious gossip. They're mocking matrimony, I tell you! ...

Madonna has put herself forward to be Jesus in the 'Celebrity Religous Stars In Their Eyes'. ITV will do anything for ratings these days. No word on who is 'tonight' being Allah but I think BBC Political dude Nick Robinson has something of the Islamic Deity about him. Former Shakespear's Sister (no relation) Marcella Detroit (the one who wasn't in Bananarama) has confirmed as Vishnu and they're waiting on word from former Doctor Who Sylvester McCoy for the Buddha job...

Jarvis Cocker has got it so right. His new song is still making me smile and it sums up the state of the world. But not in a Daily Mail "The English are so victimised, boo hoo, they don't even teach English in our schools, right, I'm going off to live in Spain" kind of way. I've blogged about it before but so what? ...

Did somebody mention Torchwood? No? Bugger...

Stupid rude rehab-loving model Sophie Anderton (I think that is her name, she is so non-descript) is having a model-strop on that Love Island place on the telly. The fried-eggs-for-boobs Pepsi-loving (she don't like the coke these days) clotheshorse (neigh!) has got annoyed that the men on the island are either ones she's already had up her super-vag, are celibate, or are from Hollyoaks. “If you keep throwing loads of girls in I’ll be lesbian by end of show,” she ranted. Why can't she just flick herself off instead of breaking the logic laws of sexuality and using the old 'turning gay' cliche? Those Sun readers will believe it can happen 'just like that' as they're hardly the sharpest tools, or even the chocolatiest biscuits...

One of these stories is not remotely true, by the way. Sorry.

Heath Ledger to play The Joker in the next Batman film which will be called The Dark Knight?

Oh yes.

Can we have Jake as Batgirl?



Update: Press relesase , er, released:

BURBANK, CA, 31 July 2006 -
As a follow up to last year's blockbuster Batman Begins, Christopher Nolan is set to direct Warner Bros. Pictures' The Dark Knight, written by Jonathan Nolan, based on a story by Christopher Nolan and David Goyer. The film will be produced by Emma Thomas, Charles Roven and Christopher Nolan. Additionally, Christian Bale will resume his role as Bruce Wayne and Academy Award nominee Heath Ledger has been cast as The Joker. The announcements were made today by Jeff Robinov, President of Production, Warner Bros. Pictures.
Christopher Nolan revamped the Batman franchise in 2005 with the immensely successful Batman Begins, starring Christian Bale in the title role, which chronicled the early years of the superhero. Nolan first garnered attention from critics and fans in 2000 with the groundbreaking drama Memento, which he wrote and directed. He went on to direct the thriller Insomnia, starring Al Pacino and Robin Williams, and recently wrapped production on The Prestige, with Hugh Jackman and Bale.
Bale was most recently seen in the ensemble cast of Terrence Malick's The New World. His other credits include Little Women, Portrait of a Lady, Metroland, American Psycho, Laurel Canyon and Steven Spielberg's Empire of the Sun, which was his first starring role.
Ledger most recently earned Oscar Golden Globe, BAFTA and SAG Award nominations and won the New York Film Critics Circle Award for Best Actor for his portrayal of Ennis Del Mar in the award-winning drama Brokeback Mountain. His other credits include Casanova, Monster's Ball, Lords of Dogtown, The Brothers Grimm and The Patriot.
"Chris' unique vision is what made Batman Begins such an outstanding film and we could not imagine anyone else at the helm of The Dark Knight," said Robinov. "We also can't wait to see two such formidable actors as Christian and Heath face off with each other as Batman and The Joker. I'm excited to continue the story we started with Batman Begins," added Nolan. "Our challenge in casting The Joker was to find an actor who is not just extraordinarily talented but fearless. Watching Heath Ledger's interpretation of this iconic character taking on Christian Bale's Batman is going to be incredible."

Production is set to begin on The Dark Knight in early 2007.

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