Oh my aching feet and knackered fingers. I spent about an hour today scraping transfer letters spelling out the shop's (now incorrect) opening hours out of the window with a pair of scissors. I got some weird looks off passrers-by although some of those looks were probably just their usual facial expressions. The long-awaited 'sorting out the inventory problem' hour got off to a bad start when the whole shopping centre was evacuated for its surprise (unless you've been told beforehand like I have) fire drill thing. What joy! Still, it was nice to get out for a brisk walk and a spot of milling around. There were more freaky people out than usual today, maybe because it's Halloween or something. Stupid crap American traditions can get out of my face, we have scary people roaming the streets at night every day of the year in this country.

See? I bet they got some great treats.

As it is indeed Hello Ween I demand you download Ben Baker's Halloween Mixtape mp3 thing here. Do it!

The Comic Geek Film photos continue. One commenter yesterday knew what it was but I had already done another graphic so...


Talking of scary shit, The Express is still stuck in a rather ungroovy groove for Day 659 of the McCann Madness Marathon:

Nothing else happened in the world today. Maddie, Diana, Free Shit. I love the way they keep life so simple."£300,000 for a picture of dying Diana? Surely The Express can afford that with the money they've saved using that Scary Picture of Maddie nearly every day for the last 6 months on their front page?

Audio Out has some rather nice 1988/9 Deep House mp3s up. Well I like them anyway and am off to listen to Paul Rutherford and Joe Smooth.

Labels: bookshop, comedy, comics, Daily Express, mp3

Things I want to do but can't as I have a shop to run:

1. Be part of the audience for the Weakest Link recording on 9 November 2007, a "Puppet Special", with Zippy and George, Roland Rat, Otis the Aardvark, Nobby the Sheep, Jelly and Jackson, Roly Mo, Mr Sage and Mr Onion and Nev the Bear.

2. Go to the exclusive Preview Screening of Soapington Way written by and staring HARRY HILL including a pre show introduction to the show from Harry himself. Along with Harry the cast includes: Mark Benton (Northern Lights ITV1), Liza Tarbuck (Extras BBC2), Tim Key (Comedy Shuffle BBC3), Greg Davies (if.comedy award nominee as part of We Are Klang) and many other famous faces. On Wednesday 7 November at the Coronet Cinema, Notting Hill (Notting Hill Gate Tube).

Things I don't want to do and am glad I can't as I have a shop to run:
1. Read this shit:

No I do not want a free shit DVD and I do not care about The Bleedin' McCanns every bleedin' day. Delete! Delete!
2. Clean the shower. Even with the joy that is Cillit Bang , this is no fun.

Things I have to do but don't really want to:
1. Some more paperwork for tomorrow as the 'kidnapped' printer has only just been found a week after we sent it to Printer Hospital.
2. Get the washing out the machine and iron it.

Things I really want to do but can't just yet:
1. Go to the pub on Thursday.
2. Be un-lazy enough to actually go to the cinema to see Stardust.

Things I might want to do but am too old:

1. Chan... Buy this magazine. It has Chantho on the cover! ... Tho.
2. Watch more of CBBC's comedy output. It's so much better than the crap BBC Three churns out.

Thing(s) that got my inner comic geek going:

Comicbook film forthcoming. Can you guess what it is yet? More tomorrow...

Labels: Daily Express, Geek

It's a new week so it's a chance for The Daily Express to find something else as a headline. Maybe the ongoing Darfur talks crisis? Maybe something about that unworkable English Parliament idea? Maybe something about yet another young black man killing another young black man with a gun? (What is that all about? Honestly?) Maybe something about the continuing cock-up that is Iraq? Or the housing market? Or Iran's latest crazy nuclear plan?

Bugger. She's still holding on. With three new 'sightings.' Just like the last load of 'sightings' that were more like lazy visual guess work I'll bet. Nice to see The Scary Picture back for the week ahead. And some royal has been blackmailed about blow and blow jobs but not jobs without the blow as royals don't do that sort of thing. But we can't say who it is! I don't think they can link it to Diana but I bet they try. Twits.

Still enjoying series 2 of Robin Hood much more than I thought I would, even Ralf Little couldn't ruin it this week...

... and not just because of all the fit young men in it. I'm not that shallow. Probably. Next week's guest star is Josie Lawrence. I wonder if she'll do any improvised songs?

Still loving Pushing Daisies...

Don't ask about the context of that clip. It's extremely peculiar yet totally charming.

I had no meme today so on the bus home I racked my brains and came up with nothing. Maybe listening to my iPod and reading The Bookseller (the magazine for all those bookgeeks in the business we call books) as the same time as the brain-racking was not the best mthod. So I got home to find that I have been blog-tagged by Old Cheeser in a kind of meme... He wants 7 interesting things about me and then I tag 7 other bloggers to do the same. Seven things? I can't think of any! But I shall try...

1. I have been a vegetarian for 21 years. How flippin' interesting.

2. I met my husband when he was an internet buddy of my then-boyfriend. We got chatting and after that particular relationship had ended we met up for a drink and became friends. Then a few months later we did it again only it got complicated.

3. I've been to loads of countries but never outside of Europe. I am lazy and hate travelling so that might be why.

4. I have an enormous... birthmark. But hardly anyone has seen it.

5. I have never smoked a cigarette. I am like so straight edge. Innit.

6. I could have been called Timothy but somebody won that argument and I am not.

7. I have never voted in any of those shit tv text votes. Ever. But someone must or how else do they still exist?

Was that thrilling enough?

I shall tag Cheryl, Clive, Mimey, Phil, Fawkes, Newplanet, VOTTD ... and all my Facebook friends. You know who you are.

Labels: Daily Express, meme, Pushing Daisies

Hello. My Not Writer Of The Week this week is Liz Jones. Not because she writes for The Daily Mail. Not because she is self-obsessed to the point of mirror frottage. Not because she has the wrong kind of hair for a woman of her age. Not because she wrote a book full of the newapaper columns she wrote about her relationship / marriage / divorce and thought she really was a real-life Bridget Jones when she was just an annoying woman. Not because she is obsessed with cats, clothes and money. Not because... etc...

Here is why:


On her failed relationships: "I had never been loved by a man, not properly (I’d had only three boyfriends before I met my husband, and two of them didn’t like me that much)"

On marrying a younger man: "They might pretend to be able to cope with you but they are, instead, storing up anger and will hate you for being fabulous, for being independent, for not needing them in your life but just wanting them there."

On divorcing a younger man: "I slammed the phone down, shouting, "I can't believe you are doing this to me, after I bought you a car and a bike and a computer and holidays, and food and clothes and everything!"

On viewing a house: "The house was quite dark and gothic and hideous inside. (I really can't understand how people live with so many awful knick-knacks, and don't even make the bed – candlewick bedspreads! – when they know someone will be viewing their property.) I would have to rip it all out (bar the original flagstone floors) and start again."

On the danger of 'edgy' celebrities: "Should parents be worried that their daughter is listening to Amy (Winehouse)'s records or queueing outside Topshop to buy Kate Moss's latest designs? That their son is listening to Babyshambles?
Can you really catch a drug addiction (or alcoholism or anorexia) from a magazine or an iPod? Well, I am here to tell you that you can."

On zero tolerance of rudeness: "I feel like screaming: "No! I don't! I didn't have one yesterday-and I haven't rushed out and applied for the wretched thing, whatever it is, in the brief passage of time since!" Perhaps I am feeling particularly fragile having spent the past three weeks at fashion shows in New York, London and Milan."

On not being a racist: "I pointed out that my mum's live-in nurse, Rita, is Ugandan and I like and respect her."

On abortion: "Feminist commentators will insist that abortion is never entered into lightly. Among the chattering classes, I'm sure this is the case. Among the group of teenagers I spoke to on Thursday night who live in Hackney, East London, abortion is seen as a rite of passage, a completely normal part of life."

On teenage parenthod: "She needs to go on a gap year and to university; otherwise, she will never have a hope in hell of a highly paid career."

It's because she is a really awful writer with a strange hardcore following of those awful women that you see being awful in public. You know the ones? I genuinely thought that her columns were a spoof character until somebody pointed out that The Daily Mail doesn't do irony and she was real. She almost works on that level but alas it was not to be.

Stop it, Rapunzel!

In other shitness, The Express (Sunday version) went for another bleedin' obvious headline:

Are the papers still not allowed to mention the sw*****g then?

Today's Random Comic Moment is...

Mighty Avengers 5. Only on issue 5 and already running months late. Hurrah!

Labels: comics, Daily Express, tabloid shite

Is it wrong to (accidentally on purpose) hit a car with your trolley when already on the zebra crossing outside the supermarket and the car doesn't stop for you? I don't think so, and we thoroughly enjoyed the 'prang', thanks for asking.

I see from the telly news that along with the hideous 80s luminous fashions, synth pop and dodgy hair, solvent abuse is back in fashion. Whatever next? Bonnie Langford? Bonnie Tyler? Meh.

The Daily Express says 'be nice to Kate McCann' today...

So having a week (technically 80-odd days in a row) of shouting screaming headlines about how she's a bad mother/child murderer will really help.



The Daily Mail has another story about the 'Christian' foster parents who have given up their latest foster child and all future fostering as they refused to do their jobs properly by not adhereing to the Sexual Orientation part of the Equality Act as they were too Christian to contemplate having to dicsuss homosexuality, let alone knowing how to care for a gay kid. They said "We made it quite clear that we could not promote homosexuality,(is it on a buy one get one half price offer or something? How else do you promote it?) but would be quite prepared to refer the matter back to social services if a child ever brought the issue up. "

So not really up to scratch when dealing with 21st century problem kids, who are more likely to be the ones who need fostering in the first place. They also couldn't get their heads around "explaining about gay dating." whatever that means. Is there a different dating system for gays that I was never told about? Is it like carbon dating? They're happy to 'promote' Christianity over and over again in their interview, how odd. The Mathericks (for that is their name. Almost Maverick but with a bit of a lisp) are now banging on about how gay rights are given priority over religious rights but maybe they should be looking at the law and their job description instead of getting all 'poor discriminated-against white middle class married couple with a 5 bedroom house' about it. Their lifestyle option of choice (and religion is a choice, unless the holy book is read at gunpoint) should take priority over the law? The interpretation of the 'wishes' of a supernatural being are more important than children of all sexualities growing up well-balanced? Their personal beliefs are more important than giving desperate children a loving home? Somehow I don't think so. Boo hiss boo, puny humans.

I love comedy sketch shows so I was looking forward to the new Armstrong & Miller thing last night.

Unfortunately it barely raised a few titters... but that was two more titters than Charlie Brooker and his incredibly bleedin' obvious Screenwipe that we watched before it. Maybe I'm just grumpy.


That Robyn video is bloody weird. That is all.

Labels: Daily Express, Daily Mail, music

Today's questions:

Why did I get up so damn early?

Why did the seemingly normal woman in front of me in the shop buy this?


When will going to the postbox not make my brain think of the Acorn Antiques moment?

Will I be un-disappointed with 24 Season 7 after seeing the amusing trailer?


Why am I listening to Christmas songs?


Who is not liking Peter Serafinowicz's show and why?


Why is Jack Penate making me think of The Housemartins all the time?

Why do I feel dirty after reading The Daily Mail because Mitchell & Webb were in it?


How many cups of tea can I drink today while at home by myself and should I really be that reckless?

How is Jordan launching a range of 'hair care products' (for Superdrug, I wouldn't be seen dead in there) when she wears a wig? Or is it several wigs? At once?

Not that the target audience will mind. They think she's the new messiah. Only orangier and with less carpentry skills.

Why couldn't I think of anything funny to write today?

I spent most of the day with a massive headache, as befitting a part of The Stress Week. We had a very nice night out last night with the bookshoppy types to celebrate the bookshop's birthday and I think I ate too much Chinese food. Well it was a buffet and you have to try the taste sensations, don't you? I now know that I still don't like tofu no matter what is done to make it appear to be edible but I do like crispy battered beans and egg fried rice in a peanut sauce. How yummy. Then today I got given a Wispa by my husband via the Wispa People and a badge. I shall wear it with pride, next to my Stouffer badge, as I am twelve years old of course. Tomorrow is The Twice Delayed Holiday Day which will consist of sleeping, cups of tea, Nut Hut treats, Doctor Who DVDs and catching up with all the televisual treats from America like Kristin Bell's first episode of Heroes where she plays a more electric Veronica Mars, in Ireland, with the terrible Oirish Accented actors. She speaks normal though. To be sure, to be sure...


I almost forgot to check The Daily McCann Frontpage!

They're still there. I wonder if any of the 14 questions are "Why are you still taking up newspaper frontpages 6 months later?" or "What the hell were you thinking?" And has Keith Richards gone missing from his bed too after being left unattended? What are the chances?

In Who Cares News, Simply Red are splitting up. Well, Mick Hucknall said so. Which confused me as I thought Simply Red was just Mick Hucknall, ever since the band members all left over the years. So is he in fact an amoeba? How is he splitting up from himself? I cannot wait until 2009 to witness this scientific anomaly take place.

I wonder which of the Mick Hucknalls will have the most successful solo career? I think Mick 2 will beat Mick 1. They should make a crap reality show about this... Huck Idol?

Oh dear. I shall shut up now.

Labels: bookshop, Daily Express, Geek

Another massively long day at work so I'm on autopilot again...


When will it ever change? I think the Express Front Cover Template Gererator Computer has become sentient and gone a bit mentalist. Main story: McCanns. Mini box story: Diana. Free shit: None. We have some tragic friends and a 'NuLabour is stealing your money' box instead. Or are they just stealing your moneybox? It's confusing these days. Who is buying this tripe? Mmmmm triiiiipe.

Potential Christmas Gifts (but not for me) part 32:

'24 Minimates make their world debut the same way the revolutionary television series was introduced - with Season 1! Featuring Jack Bauer, Nina Myers, David Palmer and Kim Bauer, this all-star line-up brings another hit property into the Minimate Universe!' Oh dear. A mini Nina Myers and mini Kim? Can they fight? Please?

Have I mentioned Suburban Glamour yet?

If you loved Phonogram then you'll love Suburban Glamour. Even if it does seem a little bit emo.

Labels: Daily Express, Geek

Another 10 hours work day. I have no brain. The tabloids seem to be mocking me.

Maybe I should be like The Daily Express and just rehash the same blog every day? Some people might say I already do that...

Deja Who?

Is it time for The Two Doctors? Again? Didn't we already do this? In Spain? With the cannibals and that man with the funny potato head? And the girl with the big boobies?

Is it 1985 again?

No. It's Children In Need. In need of a good clip round the bleedin' ear I reckon!

I am not making the following story up. I read it on Digital Spy... Steph From Hollyoaks (which is genius in its crapness. Trust me on this) is doing a reality show called Celebrity Scissorhands with Warwick Davies from Willow. The 80s fantasy film, not the lesbian witch from Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Oh yes. She says "I loved watching Willow when I was younger so it will be great to meet him. I also used to fancy Val Kilmer who was in it, so I'll have to get in there with Warwick." I am drooling with shit telly anticipation.

And in good TV news, Pushing Daisies has allegedly got a full season. Which is great. If you've managed to see it you'll know why.

Today's Super New Pop Act is...

Alphabeat. I shall call them "The Danish Scissor Sisters" for lazy writing purposes. Oh Denmark, you do make exceedingly good pop music. But you make it hard to buy the CDs!

Labels: Daily Express, Doctor Who, music

It's Monday. It's Newplanet's Spooky Meme. It's shockingly bad (because of my answers, not the actual meme itself).


1. What's the scariest movie you've ever seen?
Spiceworld, definitely. The acting, the songs, the Barrymore, the...
2. What was your favourite Halloween Costume from childhood?
Does not compute! I was not an American child.
3. If you had an unlimited budget, what would your fantasy costume be for this Halloween?
A zombie chav. I would roam the streets scaring the locals out of their lifestyle choice and into more repectable behaviour.
4. When was the last time you went Trick or Treating?
See the answer for question 2, fool.
5. What's your favourite Halloween Candy?
Candy Dulfer of course. She has a saxophone made out of chocolate.
6. Tell us about a scary nightmare you had.
The one where Princess Diana and Madeleine McCann really WERE the most important news stories in the world. *shudder*
7. What is your supernatural fear?
Derek Acorah. Have you seen the state of him?
8. What is your creepy-crawly fear?
Dale Winton always struck me as particularly creepy. And therefore a tad crawly.
9. What's your favourite scary Urban Legend?
I really don't care.
10. Would you ever stay in a real Haunted House overnight?
If the rooms had a nice ensuite and the breakfast catered for vegetarians, yes.
11. Are you a traditionalist (just a face) Jack-o-Lantern carver, or do you get really creative with your pumpkins?
Do I have to repeat myself again? Not bothered!
12. How much do you decorate your home for Halloween?
It's barely decorated for the rest of the year.
13. What do you want on your Tombstone?
My name?
14. What is your favourite work of horror fiction?
The Daily Mail. It bloody petrifies me. Whoever thinks of those crazy stories is a genius!
15. Who is your favourite monster?
Eric "Monster" Hall of course.
16. What horror movie gives you the most chills?
The one with the man with the mask and the sharp things who kills the woman and the other woman and the teenagers. That one.
17. Freddy versus Jason?
Mercury versus Orange? Mercury every time, he has the better fighting technique, and a moustache. Orange would just attempt to do a dance-off and Mercury would knock him out with a barrage of camp swishing maneouvres.
18. Ghosts or goblins?
Ghosts aren't real but goblins include The Green Goblin among their members. He was a mentalist!
19. What is your scariest encounter with the paranormal?
Selling books about psychics to customers who believe in that sort of thing and tell me about their experiences. I once got trapped in a chat about a ghost alsation with a charming woman.
20. Do you believe in ghosts?
Do I look stupid? Er, don't answer that.

Labels: meme

I have spent the last few hours trying to not feel like a cripple due to pretty crap lower back pains so this blog is on autopilot...

Top news story of the day? Gerry McCann returns to work! I wouldn't like to be the one doing the Return To Work Interview, would you? Still, it's obviously the most important thing in the whole world today. No room for The Scary Picture so there's a little Gerry pic instead. His hair doesn't match his face, or is it just me? And boo hoo we lost the rugger-bugger game. Have a free camera, some free flowers and some free fireworks. I am glad my local chav contingent don't get The Express as the whooshing banging noises would keep me up at night. And that's only the dirty little buggers' noisy public 'love life' noises from by the wall at the other end of the cul-de-sac. Bah Fawkes!


Dumbledore is a character in a children's book. Children grow up to be adults. Children have parents who are adults. Adults can be gay sometimes. So can kids, but not in 'that way.' Big flippin' deal, right?

From Digital Spy:
The writer invited questions from the audience and was asked by a young fan if Dumbledore had found "true love". "Dumbledore is gay," she replied, explaining that he had fallen in love with rival Gellert Grindelwald, who he beat in a battle between good and bad wizards long ago. "Falling in love can blind us to an extent," she continued, before describing Dumbledore's love as a "great tragedy" and explaining that he had felt "horribly, terribly let down". Rowling told fans that the initial script for the movie adaptation of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince made reference to a girl that Dumbledore had once been interested in. She revealed the truth about the character to director David Yates, who removed the line. She added that the Harry Potter books can be seen as a "prolonged argument for tolerance" and instructed her fans to "question authority".

Dumbledore is a character in a children's book. Children grow up to be adults. Children have parents who are adults. Adults can be gay sometimes. So can kids, but not in 'that way.' It's 2007. Big flippin' deal, right?

So who wins the prize of Mail Reader Commenting Cunt Of The Week?

Is it:

1) "I'm disappointed in Ms. Rowling for feeling the need to "out" her character. I guess she waited for the money first in case not all of her fans' parents would have considered it unnecessary to force such an endorsement on children." - Mcate, Georgia, USA

or

2) "Isn't it funny that people never say things like this until after they have made the big time and a bucket full of cash, Why spoil a perfectly good children's story with PC rubbish?" - Andy, Lancashire, England

or

3) "Time to put the books in the bin, I think." - Sally, Lincoln

I think I know who wins so far. If only Der Mail had updated their comments page this morning, I could have checked if my one got past the guards. Ah well, they're only doing their job. I shall sum it up with this:

I do believe some of the other characters were murderers. But that's ok.

You think that story was stupid? How about this?

I think there are a lot of people out there who shouldn't be allowed near sharp objects or anything with corners.

Labels: Daily Express, Daily Mail, tabloid shite

Damn that rugger! It means that The Daily Express, who love it as it is not uncouth football, cannot fit the Scary Maddie Picture on their cover today. So they made her the main story to make up for that, with a challenge set to all readers. Or something. Still no mention of the Karachi bombings but ooh look, free plants and free fireworks! Anybody care? No? Me neither. You can also get £1 off OK! Magazine where you can no doubt read about whether Kerry Katona's Jesus Miscarriage Resurrection last week is still on or off. Just say no. Please.


I was joking but the real OK! Magazine(!) cover is even better/worse. In case you can't read the small print, Kerry Katona is saying "Sorry Posh, you're too desperate to be Diana" , Cheryl Cole is saying "my marriage is perfect" and Jordan and some footie wife are saying "we invite OK! on our wild night out." Such horrible threats and irony, especially from the woman who would make Desperate Dan look like a Catherine Tate "Am I bovvered?" moment when comparing her desperation to his in an Ultimate Celebrity Desperation Deathmatch. I pity the modern woman who feels that they have to buy into this collection of crusty old baps, I really do.

This made me smirk too:

I really have no idea how to answer that. I assume it relates to the luminescence of their fake tans.

If you want some "whoooooooo!s" today then visit Pretty Much Amazing who has posted up a handful of the new (as in from the future) remixes of That Kylie's 2 Hearts. No it's not a song about a time travelling Gallifreyan, but the mixes include the Alan Braxe one and one by Kish Mauve. Which is only fair as it's their song that she's just singing the words over the top of in the first place.

Today's Buffy Comic Wisdom Nugget is brought to you by Willow:

Buffy: The Long Way Home is released next week. Ish.

No real life news today as I'm sitting on my chair reading things and eating things and drinking things ans watching things. It's such fun, what a perfect day.

Labels: comics, Daily Express

What an exciting day in my real life! The pub quiz last night never happened as there were only 3 teams so we came home and watched and loved The Peter Serafinowicz Show. Of course.
Then today we went to the greengrocer where I learnt that they weigh the things (and by 'things' I mean fruit and veg) for you and you just stand there feeling guilty for not helping. I am so self-servicey usually, it just felt mean. Then I didn't get the new issue of the Doctor Who Magazine as the crappy shop didn't have it so I went home and watched the Time Flight DVD and cried at the sheer awfulness of it all. But it does have a Janet Fielding (aka Tegan Jovanka as if you didn't know) interview on it and I want her to be my mum now. After that came a fee hours of humber-crunching over some super spreadsheets so that I am prepared for the mayhem that is Christmas In A Big Bookshop. So far so good. But I don't want to jinx it...

Doctor Who Tegan Jovanka Mad YouTube Extravaganza:

Weird.

I thought I'd finally found something to knock Madeleiana off the Express front page: A whole load of actual real deaths with no conspiracy theories or vagueness. Totally horrific, utterly horrible and very newsworthy. The Guardian had it as its top story and rightly so:

So I clicked onto The Scary Newspaper With No News to see if it was there:

Bad Express! Naughty Express! In your bed! I forgot that dead brown people are not worth as much as dead white people in certain parts of the media. Silly me. I hate the world sometimes. No, make that most of the time.

To change the subject:

It was inevitable: Ultimate Spider-Man 118 is the beginning of Ultimate Spider-Man And His Amazing (Ultimate) Friends. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Random comedy YouTube moment:

You Are Here is now on YouTube. It's written by Robert Popper, Matt Lucas, David Walliams, Paul Kaye and others). It has pretty much everybody from comedy things in it (Nigel Planer, Kate Robbins, Matt Lucas, Paul Kaye, Keith Allen, Peter Serafinowicz, John Thomson, Paul Putner, David Walliams, etc). But this doesn't mean it's extremely funny of course. It's a League Of Gentlemen with less laughs, but still worth a peek.

Labels: bookshop, comedy, comics, Daily Express, Doctor Who, Peter Serafinowicz

Oh just make it stop. Please.

'Where's Maddie?' continues today, with the consecutive frontpage running total now at 70-something, and the Scary Picture being used in 6 of the last 7 days. Yes, really. Somebody should be sacked but people like to read shit so nobody cares. Today: Kate is an egg in the hands of the police and Diana was maybe about to announce either an engagement or a pregnancy or something. Maybe. Or maybe not, as nobody is actually Diana so nobody actually knows. And anyway, move on you conspiracy theory nutjobs. Everybody knows it was Lord Lucan wot dun it.

Meanwhile, in the real world, I investigated the 'NHS Dentists Crisis' that The Daily Mail were getting their knickers in a twist over. I phoned the dentist, asked for an appointment, and got one for the very next day. Will the shop refund my pliers then? I was all prepared for waiting a year for a check-up, paying £70 for the experience, and then having to remove my gammy old teeth myself at home live on the internet, as we are living in a third world country, according to Mail readers. Damn you, Gordon Brown! Except we're not and the papers print bullshit. Whatever next? Taking the blame for my fat belly away from me?

Yay! It's not my fault that I ate an enormous amount of biscuits, pizza and cake yesterday. It's society's fault. Here's a bit of science for you to cry over:


Next week's episode (but not on BBC 2) is the big one. When two geek shows collide ...

Veronica Mars? Heroes? What are the chances of that?

Seeing as we actually did something in the real world yesterday (as well as go to the dentist. What a busy day) I thought I should post some photos. So here they are:

Zoe From Art Skool came round for tea. And pizza. And cake. As our house is near nothing and nobody of any interest this was rather nice.

Can you tell we are comic geeks?

As it was the once-every-18 months occurance where there is somebody else in the house we jumped at the chance of a photo of the two of us looking silly.

Damn, she loved that Dalek a bit too much.

Labels: Daily Express, Dalek, Heroes

The Express have been doing exceptionally well in their 'Where's Maddie?' series this week. I think bringing a book out for Christmas would be in terribly bad taste though.

I scored 4 points in the last six days, which is pretty damn good!

Yay! 5 points! I win!

They really should get a new picture though, as it's incredibly easy. But that would cost them money and then they couldn't give away all their Free Shit. It's swings and roundabouts, innit?

I thought someone had put something funny in my cup of tea this morning when channel- hopping. The dirty fighting chavs on ITV were slightly more fierce than usual but still did not know who was the father of the baybee but when I found myself watching a chorus of strangely surreal Chromakey birds singing to bizarre human / cuddly toy hybrid creatures in a forest I had to have a little nap. Well the voices told me it was time to so I had no choice really, as you cannot disobey Professor Yana aka The Master*

Igglepiggle? Isn't that what Jordan and Peter Andre named the most recent fruit of their loins?

* In The Night Garden is narrated by Sir Derek Jacobi.
Guess who's back?

Oh ok. It's Morrissey.

BSG Season 4 trailer!!! Extreme spoiler alert!!!

Don't click it if you haven't seen up to the end of season 3. Nerd.

Labels: Daily Express, Galactica

Yesterday was going to be Day One of my holiday but it got pushed back to today. Instead, I went to work on a mission. I do so love it when the 'turn the shop lights all off for an hour to see if the emergency lighting batteries last an hour' time coincides with my planned re-merchandising of the important tables and bays. I must have some kind of bat-radar as the bookshop looked spiffing after my squnity update. Then I did 8 hours of inventory fixing. I know how to live the life of Riley, whoever Riley may be. Not the beefcake from season 4 of Buffy, I hope, as he was a bit rubbish. In other book news, Kerry Katona has written a novel. Which translates as Kerry Katona was scribbled some ideas about a girl who gets involved in glamour modelling and singing but it all goes a bit dark what with sex n' drugs n' drink and stuff but it is in no way based upon her life, and then handed it to a proper writer who made it into a book. It's the new Iliad, apparently. I must purchase it at once. But I am on holiday, oh the shame.

Let's have a look at that book then:
'Synopsis: Leanne Crompton had it all - beauty, fame, money. But when Leanne is sacked by her modelling agency, she soon finds herself penniless. With her seven-year-old daughter Kia to support, she has no option but to head north to her home town... back to her wayward family. With a brother just released from prison, another being taken for a mug by his wannabe-WAG girlfriend, and two sisters trying to escape her shadow, life with the Cromptons is a harsh reminder of how far she's fallen. Now, starting over and with an explosive secret to hold on to - the identity of Kia's dad - things start to get tough. Can she trust her ruthless mother Tracy not to sell her out to the papers? Or will Kia's dad catch up with her and silence her for good? "Tough Love" is the startling debut novel from former pop star and tabloid favourite Kerry Katona. Her memoir, "Too Much Too Young", was a "Sunday Times" top ten bestseller. '

I'm like so buying that!

Express delivery!

Monday: There's still a free kids night safety pack (whatever that is) and free booze and curry with The Express. Cor. And today's most important news in the world is that someone thinks the body of the blonde girl might be in a lake somewhere probably maybe etc. It'll take a nuclear holocaust to shift that scary picture off their frontpage. In other news, rugby replaces Diana. Boo hiss boo!


Tuesday: Diana is back in prime position as somebody thinks they saw something resembling someone on a motorbike shine a torch on her car before it crashed. Therefore this is a 'sensation.' Meanwhile in Madeleine Land, with the scary picture as usual (as it costs zilch to re-use it) today's randomly-generated headline is a 'link' to a 'Russian kidnap gang.' Because they say so, because Russian paedophile gangs do exist after all. Marvellous reporting! In other news, who wants to be the next new Lib Dem leader? Anybody? No?

There's some weird stuff going on down in Tardis-Land aka Cardiff... sounds a bit rubbish but it IS for charidee... *spoiler alert link here*

Talking of Doctor Who...





I still love The Sarah Jane Adventures. But then I am a geek.

Labels: bookshop, Daily Express, Doctor Who, Sarah Jane Adventures

In a tribute to those shit memes that you find on MySpace I have decided to make my own. Mainly because I couldn't find one rubbish enough to copy.

What's it all about? Well.. What were the last five:

Things that made you laugh (out loud or just in your head)?

Someone from school being fat and orange on Facebook.
The shitness that is Hollyoaks.
The evil Gorgon-worshipping racially diverse nuns off the telly.
Something podcasty by Ben Baker.
A book that just got handed to me while writing this at home.

Things you put in your mouth?

Spaghetti with pesto, chestnut mushrooms, roasted green pepper, pumpkin seeds and tomatoes what I did make.
About fifty hot caffeinated drinks today.
Three of those mini chocolate swiss roll things that some kind soul left in the staffroom.
A very nice baguette from my favourite sandwichy place: The marvellous Pumpernickels.
A handful of those more-ish Belgian biscuits that are my heroin.

Blue things you saw?

Blue Velvet.
Betty Blue.
The Big Blue.
Blue Hotel.
Blue Suede Shoes (dontchoo step on 'em, ok?).

Crying pairs of pants?

The ones on MySpace.
The other ones on MySpace.
The ones on that blog on MySpace.
The pants from the MySpace bulletin.
Don't all pants on MySpace cry?

Daily Express headline subjects?

Madeleine.
Diana.
Madeleiana.
Dirty Foreigners.
Death Tax.

Vampire slayers?

Faith.
Buffy.
Kendra (R.I.P)
The bolshy one who lezzed up Willow.
The quiet gawky one. Did she die?

Root vegetables?

Honey roasted parsnips.
Steamed potatoes with ground black pepper.
Oven roasted butternut squash.
Hope it's chips, it's chips.
Is it chips? It is? Phew.

Celebrities you could imagine dead, and the prefered method?

Kerry Katona: Sniffing her own face off.
Antony Cotton: Overdosing on outdated camp stereotypes.
Jordan: Popping like an empty bag of crisps.
Victoria Beckham: Facial creosote poisoning.
Jim Davidson: Bummed to death.

Moments of temporary insanity?

'Accidentally' whacking a woman with my bag on the tube when I got up. Well she did have her feet on the seat, talked incessantly about naff all on her phone for the entire journey and played with an additional mobile phone while doing so. It was only right.
Getting so number blind from spending the day correcting an inventory database all day at work that I shouted "that's Numberwang!" when updating the numbers. A few times.
Thinking I really should resist going to The Nut Hut. And actually resisting. What was I thinking?
Playing Satellite Of Love too many times when walking home from the station this evening.
Writing this bleedin' meme when I am a bit too knackered to do so.

Things you looked at on this computer that you are using right now?

Crap newspapers for tomorrow's regular blog.
A bit of comics geek stuff.
I-Tunes where I added the two bonus tracks off the Roisin Murphy CD I bought to my playlist.
No pictures of half naked men. For once.
A Bit Torrent site where I added a new episode of Kath & Kim that will probably disappoint.

Goodbye.

Labels: meme

I thought they'd finally done it and I could stop posting those awful front covers here every day...

But no. Hiding under the free shit, more free shit, and rugger-buggery: 'Bloody footprint clue to Madeleine mystery.' Case solved? Again? Or just a "bloody footprint" in the annoying sense, like on a carpet or in some wet cement? I guess we'll never know and after Free Shit Sunday the story will go back to the big headline. Bloody Express.


I watched episode 2 of Robin Hood series 2 today. It's still better than series 1, unless that one improved after i gave up on it. It's also still very silly. This week's plot to upset Sherrif Lilly Allen's Dad involved stealing loads of shiny coins hidden in an underground trap room thing, and it played like some retro ZX Spectrum game with all those random arrows shooting out of walls, secret dangerous slabs of floor and knives and shit. The Scruffy Men were assisted by Count Dexter Fletcher Of Ver Press Gang doing a silly German acccent to add to his repertoire of silly American and silly Cockernee. As he was playing a heterosexual male he had to fancy Marian and got Sir Leather Fetish Of Gisbourne all hot under the (leather) collar. No overtly homoerotic scenes this week, which was a shame, as I do like a bit of rough in peril.

Did I mention that new channel Virgin 1 is showing old episodes of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia on Monday nights? I didn't? Well it is...

That clip is from series 3 but meh, it's what I wanted to post.

Labels: comedy, Daily Express, Robin Hood

Nothing much to report today as I've been doing work at home inbetween listening to music and catching up with video-ey stuff. And laughing at the absurd stuff of course:

Free kids night safety pack, beer and another Madeleine headline with that photo again?

Someone is surely demonstrating a sick sense of humour at The Express today.

Been getting back into Cirkus as they've remade the album and it's a hell of a lot better than the first version. No idea when it's coming out though...

The oh-so-secret band is in fact pretty much The Cherry/McVey Family Roadshow and this new version of Laylow (the album) is a much more 'live' affair and was inspired by the tours that they've done in a load of places that don't include England. Bah!
Trig.Com has the whole album on streaming. Oh yes. Click and listen. Particular favourites of this blog are Is What It Is, Time For The Whistle (aka Track 6) and Sunny Tuesdays (aka Track 13). The 'Manchild' baby is now the singer... and I feel old.

Labels: Daily Express, music

I have run out of blog steam today. The headache finally went, the Royal Visit at work got cancelled, the meeting got moved to next week when I am on holiday but I don't need to go because I am a girly swot with experience of this thing we call Jesusmas, I have still 'broken' the database in the bookshop but am going to spend the day in the office on Monday with cakes and coffee and my magic typey fingers fixing as much of it as I can. Then I begin my week off a day late, all happy and content. Phew. On the tube I saw a punk in a cardie throw litter and was tempted to push a schoolboy onto the tracks but resisted. I am not Dexter.

I am keeping on with the Express Covers Watch until the day that The McCanns are not on it. Seeing as it's something like the 70th consecutive day of their dubious honour it's still here:

I love how Der Echspress moan about the 'slurs' then insult them but say that the Portugal police man did say it, innit. Marvellous blamelesness. And hello Diana! Not seen you for a while, whatchoo been up to?

I got a lovely pressie today:

Mmmmmm. They're back and they're yummy.

Christmas List Ideas Part 34:

Possibly the gayest thing ever. I want one.

And here's the obligatory YooHooTube Clip. Serafinowicz wasn't as good as the first one but I still like it...

Labels: bookshop, Daily Express, Peter Serafinowicz, Sarah Jane Adventures

I have had a headache for three days. Bollocks.


The real confirmed deaths of 90 people knock Maddie off the Express hot spot today. Well it is real news after all. But wait! Who's that peeking out at the dead 90 old people? She's holding onto that front page marathon, well done. Free Shit today? Fish & chips. Yummy!


The thrills of my tiring life yesterday included a double dose of signal failure on the tubes, a lack of sleep-induced state of befuddlement and the beginning of a long slow process of fixing a damaged database... plus I have been specially selected as the bookshop (one of only three and one of those other two houses someone I know and like) to have a Triple Grand Fromage visit next week. I feel flattered but tired.


If you're not already sick of Kylie (yes I know Kylie Day was yesterday and today is Radiohead day but...) then have a listen to it here or watch it here, as in below. Unless you're reading this on my Facebook where it'll be a clickable bit of code.



30 Rock starts on Five tonight at 10:45. Crap slot, great show.

The end. ZZzz...

Labels: Daily Express, mp3

After going to sleep at some ridiculous time involving a 2 at the beginning, I started the morning feeling like I had been out on an excellent night on the tiles but I had only been in the bookshop doing a stressful stocktake. My muscles ached and my head pounded, but without all the pre-discomfort joy that I usually manage. Bah! I found a new Girls Aloud track in my inbox, which was nice, and then the new Kylie version of Kish Mauve's Two Hearts popped up. It's exactly the same as the original version but with Kylie singing, and that's not a problem because I love that Kish Mauve track. And I love my 'deep throat' within the world of pop music who sends me these little nuggets... but I don't want to brag so I'm shutting up about it now.

And there's the album cover, if you care or haven't already seen it.

Bloody hell!

The Express move Maddie out of the main box and up into the Free Shit Box! And Diana is nowhere to be seen! Well they have to go on about how they 'made' Gordon Brown do something about inheritance tax via their 'crusade' which was probably just a mad scientist distilling the tears and sweat of moany old Express readers into a super potent potion they then put in Gordo's coffee. Or something. Has he actually abolished this 'Death Tax' anyway? Er... no. I quote, from the paper itself, 'Chancellor Alistair Darling announced an immediate doubling of the threshold for the death duty to £600,000.' So not quite an abolition in any real sense of the word or anything over a million squid.

Meanwhile, in the other funny place, The Mail readers are still not understanding what 'incitement to hatred' actually means, and it's not really helpred by The Mail adding a paragraph about paedophiles onto the end of the article, now is it? C@nts. :

"The Thought Police are to make it a crime to incite hatred against gay people. Will this terrible government stop trying to control our minds and our thoughts." - John, Tendring, England

I do so hope this is a fine example of irony.

"Will homosexuals be charged with incitement if they make offensive comments against heterosexuals? Or, like everything else to do with homosexual men, it's only a one way street." - Andrea, Buckingham

Is she throwing in a highly-amusing bumsex reference there? Or is she just a shrew?

"Aren't the jails full enough already? If this goes through at least a couple of million new cells will have to be built." - Roger Feldman, Sweden

Several million people regularly incite hatred and violence against ver gays? Er...

"Unenforceable nonsense, it is the beginning of a police informer society where friends are encouraged to inform on their neighbours and family, a short step from a Stalinist state." - Malcolm Sewell, Southend Essex

So there you have it. Everybody will have to stop inciting hatred soon and they're rather peeved.

I always thought that creepy clock-obsessive from Torchwood looked a bit "light on his feet".


Whoops. Tomorrow's blog may come to you via the 1940s internet. Which is rubbish.

I don't want to do Heroes series 2 spoliers, so I don't, but did they accidentally do a 'find and replace' function with Sulu and Uhura (from Star Trek for all you non-geeks)? Bejeesuz, those rubbish Irish gangsters are mind-bogglingly bad, aren't they? One of them actually uttered the line "I swear I'll shot youse dead, so I will" and nobody batted an eyelid. And in smug nerd mode can I say that I know where the zapping powers came from? A certain perky blond former private detective who turns up rather soon ...

As it's Kylie Day at Project76... have a listen to this.

And have a look at this:

It's a bit Cyber Woman-y and Movellan-y, innit?

Labels: bookshop, Daily Express, Daily Mail, gays, mp3, music, Torchwood

Madeleine, camper van, fish & chips, Diana ... Monday's news headlines were groundbreaking over in the Express dimension.

Tuesday: Madeleine, camper van, fish & chips, Victoria Beckham? Is she the new Diana? And what's with the consecutive Maddie headlines completely contradicting one another? I suppose that's what happens when you get your 'facts' by tossing a coin. Is it good DNA or bad DNA?

Meanwhile, at that very moment, as the top news story in The Daily Mail online ...


Bloody gays! Whoops.

See you in seven years...





... 3,2,1, you're back in the room.

Oh dear. Whatever next? What the story is really about is not morons just saying "bum bandit" or "shirt-lifter" or even the lesbian equivalent "skirt-lifter" but Jack Straw's idea to make incitement to hatred against gay people on a legal par with incitement to hatred in a racist way or a religious way. Which seems fair enough to me. Silly Mail people twited their knickers clean off at the thought of this, of course:

"The Thought Police are to make it a crime to incite hatred against gay people. Will this terrible government stop trying to control our minds and our thoughts." - John, Tendring, England

"I cannot make a comment, in case I`m locked up. No free speech in `England` any more." - Roger Challinor, Stafford

I don't think these people know how to read.

In November I shall be re-enacting that mad thing what did happen with them people on the telly. But I still haven't got a Martha! Never seen her, bah. And no Chantho figure? Chan bollocks tho!


I thought about writing a load of old waffle about how much I loved yesterday's The Sarah Jane Adventures. But I made this instead:








I may do that again next week if I feel that childish again. Screengrabs from The Doctor Who Site. It's a fan site and it's very very good.

Labels: Daily Express, Daily Mail, Sarah Jane Adventures

I was going to axe the rubbish Monday Meme feature but then a certain comedyfangirlgeek did one of these awful MySpace ones so I just had to have a go:


1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you said?
Why does it take so damn long to wash my face?!?! And then I told myself off for paraphrasing Harry Hill. But I didn't really as I made all that up.

2. Do you like someone?
I like nobody. I am like well misogynistic and the same with men.

3. What's a word that rhymes with "LUCK"?
I shall not go for the obvious choice... how about "monstertruck"?

4. What's your favourite planet?
Certainly not Shampoo Planet by Douglas Coupland as that was a rubbish book. Can I choose Planet Of The Daleks starring Jon Pertwee? But that might get usurped by Planet Of The Ood starring David Tennant next year.

5. Who's the 2nd person on your missed call list?
I can't be bothered to check. Probably Madonna.

6. What's your ringtone on your phone right now?
A kind of vibratey buzzing noise and motion.

7. What shirt are you wearing right now?
A stripey polo shirt. With a collar, not like a mint. There are no holes in it. Apart from the one for my head, the one for my body and the two for my arms.

8. What do you "label" yourself as?
£3 off, just so the customers ask if that is £3 off the marked price or the other price which doesn't exist. Or sometimes 20% extra fat, depending on my mood.

9. Brand of shoes you're wearing right now?
None. I am in my house.

10. Are you afraid of the dark?
Shut up.

11. What do you think about the person who last took this survey?
Cheryl? She is a tubby little tit witch!*

*not really. She'll get the reference.

12. If you're alone in a room with two beds, which one do you sleep on?
The one with the clean sheets of course.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Tossing and turning. No further details permitted.

14. What did your last text message you received on your mobile say?
'At the moment it's better than the heap of crap that's on before it'

15. Whens the last time you took a shower?
Last night.

16. What's a word or phrase that you say a lot?
C*nt, f*ck, b*ll*cks, *rse, sh*t...

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
That husband of mine.

18. Last furry thing you touched?
Heh.

19. How many drugs have you done in the past 3 days?
Loads! Caffeine, alcohol and Lemsip. So that's 3.

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
None as I do not live in ye olden dayes.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
It's always the current one. Oh how sickeningly happy of me.

22. Hats or beanies?
Baked beanies. On toastie with cheesie.

23. Your worst enemy?
Myself.

24. What is your desktop picture?
This one:

I have been working towards having my own Hip Hop Body. But the cakes get in the way of my target shape.

25. What is the last thing you said to someone?
Probably a burp.

26. Do you love someone?
Yes. You know I do.

27. Last song you listened to?
That one by Gabrielle that sounds like the olden days.

It's actually a very very >good album. I was so shocked I went and bought it after playing it quite a few times.

28. If the last person you spoke to on the phone was getting shot at what would you do?
Hang up and phone the police? Huh?

29. Do you do the games in the ads on myspace?
Of course I don't.

30. What are your favorite Pjs?

PJ & Duncan's Let's Get Ready To Rhumble.

31. What do you do when you pass graveyards?
I think about where all the goths are.

32. Have you ever seen a shooting star?
Maybe. I don't really care. I've seen Shooting Stars being recorded though.

33. How old do you think you'll live to be?
I have no idea and I'd rather not know. What a stoopid question.

34. Song lyrics stuck in your head?
'So many lyrics we keep 'em in stores. We've even got them coming out of our pores.'

35. List five things you want to do in your lifetime:
I am bored of this now.

36. what did you last eat?
Shit. And die. Want some?

37. Do you eat raw hot dogs?
Yes, but sometimes I remove the fur, tails and collars and cook them in my big pot.

38. Do you like sushi?
No.

39. How much salad dressing do you put on your salad?
Shut up.

40. What is the last thing you pulled out of your pocket and gave to someone:
I am going to stop you now, meme. You are useless.

Proper blog tomorrow, with Sarah Jane review, Doctor Who action figures, Gay Hate Tabloid Shock! and probably a YouTube clip. OK?

Labels: meme

Express delivery!

It's Day 66 (with 58 of those days featuring it as the main headline) of The Consecutive Express McCann Frontpages (but there were many more before the uninterrupted run of course) and today breaks the usual pattern. Shock shock horror! A new 'news column' is added to the front page so that they can use the Scary Picture of Maddie (in the public domain) that costs them nothing to print (which has been used in 6 of the last 7 covers, proving what cheapskates they are). That way we can have Diana as the main story (where somebody mentions thinking something about the drunk driver maybe meeting with a spy), a massive Free Shit Banner (return of the camper vans!) and a new column to the right of those for the ever-present Maddie plus a rare trip to the front page for our very own Prime Minister. But what is Gordon doing on the front? He is actually involved in real news! Heads wil roll at The Express for this terrible faux-pas, mark my words...

Our Blog Stats minisite publishes the best worst ways people get to my blog via some kind of clever Google Analytics thing which I don't understand as I am a girl. Some of the search methods are a bit odd. See?

barrowman sex bottom
dylan moran scottish accent
gaylien - directors fuck
generation xcess rugby video
gillian taylforth snooker table
lesbian winking
marilyn 80s transvestite singer
michelle bass calendar
monday meme
naoko mori fans
nigella plump
paula radcliffe toilet queen
posh lady porn
project washing machines
pvc humiliation
rolled-up radio times blogs
turning lemsip into methamphetamine

I must look on EBay for a Gillian Taylforth snooker table. The perfect Secret Santa gift.

I gave Robin Hodd a go and was reasonably entertained by it all, although I didn't understand how the bad guys could keep capturing the good guys and letting them escape week after week without it becoming a farce. My MSN chat with a couple of fellow geeks sums it up better than any detailed analysis:

Dan... and 'ting. says: I watched That Robin Hood Look.
Clive says: Was it good?
Dan... and 'ting. says: Why don't they just shoot Robin?
Clive says: it sounded exciting from just listening to it blasting out from the living room
Cheryl says: i thought it was alright. heard in the Sun that guy of gisbourne and keith allen are suppose to be gay now or sumink or nuffink
Clive says: Ruddy gays
Dan... and 'ting. says: Robin gets captured, Sherrif goes boo hiss boo at him, torture etc, then he escapes.
Dan... and 'ting. says: I think Gisbourne is played by a gay actor. (I may, of course, be wrong about this)
Cheryl says: lol. i will admit i only watch because robin hood is a bit hot
Cheryl says: who plays Guy anyway
Dan... and 'ting. says: A man.
Cheryl says: ah ok
Dan... and 'ting. says: Robin needs a wash.
Clive says: sounds dirty
Dan... and 'ting. says: and Gisbourne captured one of them and tied him up without his top on and whipped him. Which WAS a bit gay
Cheryl says: oo
Cheryl says: i must have walked out the room on that bit
Clive says: Dale Winton is on, he's a bit GAY
Cheryl says: oo i am watching dale winton too

Labels: Daily Express, Robin Hood

I am in my special comedy place at the moment due to an influx of titters from the current runs (but not currant buns) of 30 Rock (on Bit Torrent), Flight Of The Conchords (on BBC Four), It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia (on Bit Torrent), The Peter Serafinowicz Show (on BBC2), The Office (the good version) (on Bit Torrent), French And Saunders (on BCC1), but nothing on ITV, as usual. Why oh why oh why...? Bah and indeed Murray Mints. I don't know what the point of that long list was, except to mention that it's great when there are great things to giggle at so bring it on...

Whoops. Spoke too soon. Daily Express moment.

F'F's Sake! Maddie, Diana, Free Shit, Competition. It's the world's longest practical joke masquerading as a newspaper.


Robin Hood is back tonight. I didn't get along with it last time but it's allegedly "darker" the second time around. Hmmm...

I was most amused by a story in That Daily Mail today:

'Families who throw out more than one sack of rubbish each week are being forced to pay a controversial "bin bag tax". In a scheme which could soon be rolled out across the UK, dustmen will be ordered not to collect refuse unless it is left in official colour-coded bin bags provided by the council.Homes will be given just one free sack every week (but it does not define the size of this 'home') and must pay 28p for each additional bag - at least three times as much as an ordinary black bag from a supermarket (shocking!) ... The bin bag tax scheme is being introduced next month by Tory-run (Tories? Not Evil Nu-Labour?) Broxbourne Council in Hertfordshire, and is being closely watched by other authorities around the UK.'

The Mailites are revolting without analysing what they have read. No change there then. Here are some of my favourite rational responses:

"So people who cannot afford these costs will just have to store rubbish in their homes or illegally dump in in parks? Just wait till the next Great Plague!" - Charlotte Browning, Bolton, England

Oh no. Not another Great Plague! I really could do without one of those.

"The country will soon be a filthy, dirty, rat-infested, plague-infested Third World country! Thanks New Labour!" - Sam, Manchester, England

No, thank New Tory. It's their council. Did you not read the article? Or did you just see the '28p charge' and immediately get on your complainy high horse? You did? Well serves you right!

"Councils have gone mad! Their purpose is to collect rubbish for goodness sake, not to tell us they won't! I will definitely go out and vote Tory next elections!" - Bernadette Collins, Kent, England

Another non-reader. Unless she's the most contrary woman in Britain, sorry, England.

"If the British public put up with this then they deserve the plague of rats and mice that they are going to get!" - Andy (Ex-Pat), Australia

Another Plague Alert! Will Nu Plague knock Maddie and Diana off the Express front page? Stay tuned...

Labels: Daily Express, Daily Mail

The Express Double Whammy covers continue...

I never would have guessed that a mother would cry every day over her lost daughter. This surely is an exclusive of monster proportions! Plus more 'last' Diana moments: Will tomorrow be some grainy CCTV footage of The People's Princess' last poo?

In exciting life news today I finally tried the Pret granola porridge and was displeased. Imagine a broken granola bar crumbled into a large cup with hot milk poured onto it and you'll see what I saw. No porridgeyness at all, more like a mily soup. Which is not right nor okay. Bah! I also had fun with chip n' PIN machines dying on me and learnt that wiring phone cables behind till units out of human reach is most un-useful when you need to unplug them. If only I was Reed Richards...


Phew! We loved That Peter Serafinowicz Look which is not actually the name of the programme. Butterfield Direct was our favourite, with big LOL points to the thing that started it all aka o! News, and the Clone House sketches. Lots of ideas, lots of silliness, lots of noisy laughter from us. But not from the telly as they didn't use the audience laughter from the Notting Hill screenings. It didn't need it anyway. I think there will be a lot more cameos of comedy folk we love, and we spotted Benedict Wong and Paul Putner this week. Roll on next week where I pray we don't get repeats of the same ideas. The Peter Serafinowicz Show's 'Funny Thursday' partner show, Vivienne Vyle, was a bit obvious in places, more suited to a BBC Four audience in its style and performances but it was alright in a Saxondale way. Not much guffawing going on but it's entertaining enough to tune in again. Thanks, Funny Thursdays.

Thursdays.

Er... that doesn't work with that word. Bugger.

Random mp3: Propaganda's Duel, 12 inch version. Click it!

Labels: comedy, Daily Express, mp3, Peter Serafinowicz

Hang on a sec...

As The Daily Express cover appears to be the same as yesterday's I was debating having a spot the difference competition... but I don't have any prizes. I then thought about 'doing an Express' and re-posting yesterday's blog to see if anyone noticed but that felt lazy.

The 'what is exciting my inner nerd' picture of the day:

The end of an era... and not a moment too soon. With added Cyberpeople, if I am being a bit Daily Mail "PC gone mad."

It's Thursday and Thursdays are funny, allegedly. Even though my day is all back to front and I am bloggin in the morning then working until 8. Bah. I shall find out if the promise of mirth is true tonight when I watch a certain new comedy show that I am very very looking forward too indeed.


The other trailers are un-embeddable, even on places that are not called Facebook. But very very good. 9:30 BBC2 TONIGHT!

Labels: Daily Express, Doctor Who, Peter Serafinowicz

Is today's Express headline with the Return Of Diana meant to be ironic?

But we will never be rid of the endless conspiracy stories in the tabloids thanks to a certain paper's love of that sort of thing. With Di taking prime position the whole of the free shit banner must belong to Maddie. And it does. No free golliwogs today thank you.

I actually went out last night... to Fancy London of all places! Spent an age in Virgin trying to find something to exchange for one of Husband Jamie's duplicated birthday presents, strolled around Forbidden Planet (of course) and staggered about in the rain, then went to the destination of the evening which was a pubby reunion of people from The West End Bookshop Which Is Now Closed. Hurrah for those lovely folks who now work in many many locations. The West End sure is a shithole... but at least the Fopp is reopening next week.



I am slightly obsessed with the Cravendale adverts, and so should you be.


Who couldn't love those?

Labels: bookshop, comedy, Daily Express

I was shocked to see the crazy man on the bus reading his newspaper this morning...

ZOMG! They moved Maddie up to the 'free shit banner' part of the front page! That's mostly where free dancing lessons/ wine/ camper vans live or Princess Di (being dead / a saint / etc in various suspicious circumstances) when no free shit to give away! And what pushed the lost child out of the top spot? Only bloody inheritance tax! It seems that Der Echspress has been 'campaigning' against the 'unfair' tax and those Tories who invented it the first place have chosen something relating to that as one of their myriad of new policies. Except they're not really hardcore policies as they have no power. Oh dear. Anyway, inheritance tax will be scrapped for everyone except millionares because anyone who doesn't have a million quid is poor. At least "on paper" anyway. So rich old buggers can keep giving away their properties to young people they like and make them into rich young people with property and... you get the idea. The money lost from not having these taxes will be taken from that forest where money grows on trees of course. How very dull, I was hoping for something to have developed with yesterday's 'reliable Madeleine witness' but maybe she was pushed down the stairs like that confusing headline may or may not have hinted at. I am so confused, I thought I could rely on The Express headline to be fiction but now it's been upgraded to potential truth, admittedly only in one future timeline but, still, er...



Dirty Sexy Money seemed interesting as its creator worked on Six Feet Under, as did the leading man. It's an average drama about an uber-rich New York family that includes Jack Bauer's real-life father, Jack Donaghy's real-life brother and Gwen Stacy's real-life husband, and their relationship with Nate From Six Feet Under whose Dad was their lawyer when he was a kid and how he becomes their new lawyer due to Dad being dead. So far so average, and very similar to Brothers And Sisters due to sharing some key creative types. The characters are mostly charmless but an injection of a mystery plot redeems it enough for me to 'tune in' next week and see what happens next.

In other news, I got another paper cut, answered the question "does WHSmiths sell that book?" a litle bit too honestly, had an embarrassing phone conversation where I really did not understand the person's accent at all, and got a bit tired. More of the same tomorrow no doubt. I love it really.

Labels: Daily Express, pilots

It looks like the end of the run of identical Express front pages after today:

So she IS in Morocco? It says it in the special red Madeleine typeface! The end! No more coverage!

Er... hang on... That's not actually remotely factual. Somebody said they saw her there and told somebody else ... and we know how the last one of those 'sightings' turned out, don't we? Oh well, it'll do for me. Can we have some news now please? The Burma Kerfuffles are still in full swing but that doesn't really affect good decent British people, does it? Let's stick with what we know best and give every reader free dancing lessons and a bottle of wine. So look out for pairs of inarticulate judgemental types doing wobbly unco-ordinated waltzing in your street NOW!

Never mind the BBC telling terrible lies like hiring a bus for Nigella then pretending it's a real bus that she just hopped on to force-feed people with her scrummy treats because no real bus en route to anywhere important would appreciate the delays to their journey and the risk assessments would be a nightmare... when is somebody going to slap The Daily Express good 'n' proper for creating infinite misleading headlines to keep their ghoulish readers entertained?

I got this week's useless meme from That Cheryl over there. Here it is:


1. Do you still talk to the person you last had a thing with?
It's hard not to when they live in the same house. And I don't stop talking. Even when by myself. So yes, I do.

2. Have you ever seen your best friend cry?
I don't have a best friend so N/A.

3. What kind of vitamins did you take as a kid?
The ones that tasted nicer than the big boy's ones I take these days.

4. What is the last thing you ate?
Pie (Quorn and mushroom), salad (baby spinach, vine tomatoes, pumpkin seeds and pine hut kernels) and potatoes (steamed). Wow!

5. Did you get any compliments today?
Of course. Heh.

6. Have you ever gone to court?
No. I am a good boy.

7. What does the seventh text message in your inbox say?
'Yeah I will but it just seemed a bit dull.'

8. Are you friends with your neighbours?
No. But we are not enemies either. Just a bit N/A.

9. Do you have any regrets?
I have the 12" single by New Order. With the Fire Island Remix on it.

10. Do you remember your first kiss?
No. Was it with you? Is that why you ask? I was very very drunk.

I wasn't really. It's a bit of a long story though.

11. What towns have you lived in?
All of them.

12. What's the last piercing you got?
A piercing bore.

13. When was the last time you drove more than 15 minutes?
1993 or something. I didn't actually injure anybody but it's for the best that I stay in the other front seat.

14. Have you ever thrown up from drinking?
Oh no. Never. Er... apart from The Birmingham Incident that has been covered here before.

15. Do you get jealous easily?
Yes, I am like well jealous of the perosn who thought up these excellent meme questions.

16. Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?
No, but I have played flick the carton.

17. Toilet papered someones house?
Huh? You frikkin' weirdo!

18. Have you ever had a crush on your brother or sister's friends?
I don't think they ever had any friends... so N/A.

:-)

19. Have you ever gone to a beach?
I have never heard of this 'beach' thing. What is it?

20. Do you remember your teacher's names from primary school?
Yes, thanks.

21. How good is your eyesight?
Shit. Where am I anyway?

22. Would you ever want to swim with the sharks?
Oh get a grip, stupid meme questions.

23. What would you say if I told you I was in love with your brother?
Something like ZOMG / LOLZ / etc.

24. Have you ever been out of your country?
I have barely been out of my house.

Yes, of course I have. I'm not quite that unadventurous.

25. Have you seen your best friend naked?
See question 2.

26. What's the best wedding you've been to?
Mine, of course.

27. Would your parents be mad if you got arrested for fighting?
They're already mad. And I don't fight.

28. Where are your siblings right now?
Well they're not here so they must be somewhere else.

30. Do you have a Honda, Toyota or Nissan?
See question 13.

31. What's the last dream you can remember?
'Don't Dream It's over' by Crowded House of course. Everyone remembers that one!

32. Who was the last person to call you?
The French chick.

33. What time did you wake up this morning?
The same as every other day: Too early.

34. What are you doing this weekend?
We've just had the weekend, dumbass.

35. What does the 5th text message on your phone say?
'I fucking hate school children. Get off the bus and WALK you bastards! *sigh*'

36. Do you drunk dial/txt?
No. I have never even been drunk so how could I?

37. What's in your back pocket?
My arse.

The end. Wasn't that enlightening?

Labels: Daily Express, meme

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