I did the 15 albums that changed your life meme on Facebook yesterday but chose 50 as a they all affected my life in different ways. I tried to edit it to the stated level…

Oh no, only managed to trim to 20. Oh well… and with mini notes:

Tori Amos: From The Choirgirl Hotel
I had always liked Tori but this made me love her and spend a bit of cash on obscurities.

Antony and the Johnsons: I Am A Bird Now
Expanded my musical brain but I did not go all transexual.

Bjork: Debut
That woman from the Sugarcubes made a record, I even bought the t-shirt.

Neneh Cherry: Raw Like Sushi
Like someone stole my thoughts and created my perfect popstar.

Ani Difranco: Dilate
Student years:latter days, discovered via my flatmate’s impressive collection.

Eurythmics: Savage
The perfect blend of synth pop and mad wigs.

Everything But The Girl: Walking Wounded
A little bit of drum and bass transformed an “I don’t mind” into an “I bloody love.”

Human League: Dare
My first album. Still brilliant.

McAlmont & Butler: The Sound of McAlmont & Butler
Just bloody brillaint old-new-sounding record. Together much better than their still-good separate sounds.

Aimee Mann: Bachelor No. 2
Some songs from that Magnolia soundtrack, swoon.

Massive Attack: Blue Lines
I was a bit obsessed with them before they went mega. Still play this on scratchy old vunyl.

Pet Shop Boys: Actually
Gotta have a PSB on the list. I got a tape of this from someone at school.

Propaganda: A Secret Wish
Germanic scary synth music that worried my parents.

Saint Etienne: So Tough
Love most of their albums but this reminds me of learning to drive.

Sia: Colour The Small One
SOme of my favourite songs in recent times.

Soul II Soul: Club Classics Volume One
The album of 1989. Loved their radio show too.

Suede: Coming Up
I got into them late. Played at all the gay indie clubs when it was released.

Tricky: Maxinquaye
Bests Portishead, slightly. Went to an early gig, friend crashed his car, some of us still attended and I bought him a t-shirt as a consolation prize.

Rufus Wainwright: Want
Poncey but great. Got into him late too.

Patrick Wolf: The Magic Position
Another latecomer but this got played to death, I blame the mp3 bloggers.

It’s another one of those memes from Facebook. Here are the instructions:

Think of 15 albums, CDs and/or LPs that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life. Dug into your soul. Music that brought you to life when you heard it. Royally affected you, kicked you in the wazoo, literally socked you in the gut, is what I mean. Then when you finish, tag 15 others, including me. Make sure you copy and paste this part so they know the drill. Get the idea now? Good. Tag, you’re it!

I really tried to pick 15 albums. Ended up with 50, and that was after a big edit. Damnit!

In alphabetical order because that’s how I found them in the massive CD piles in the house today:

Ryan Adams: Heartbreaker
Tori Amos: From The Choirgirl Hotel
Antony and the Johnsons: I Am A Bird Now
Bjork: Debut
Boy George:Cheapness & Beauty
Kate Bush: Hounds of Love
Neneh Cherry: Raw Like Sushi
Ani Difranco: Dilate
Divine Comedy: A Secret History
Dubstar: Disgraceful
DJ Shadow: Endtroducing
Siobhan Donaghy: Ghosts
Eels: Beautiful Freak
Eurythmics: Savage
Everything But The Girl: Walking Wounded
Goldfrapp: Seventh Tree
Gomez: How We Operate
Human League: Dare
Janet Jackson: Janet
Keane: Perfect Symmetry
Lamb: Lamb
Luscious Jackson: Natural Ingredients
McAlmont & Butler: The Sound of McAlmont & Butler
Aimee Mann: Bachelor No. 2
Massive Attack: Blue Lines
Moloko: things To Make and Do
Morcheeba: Big Calm
Roisin Murphy: Overpowered
Meshell Ndegeocello: Plantation Lullabies
Pet Shop Boys: Actually
Pipettes: We Are The Pipettes
Portishead: Dummy
Prince: Crystal Ball
Propaganda: A Secret Wish
Pulp: This Is Hardcore
Radiohead: The Bends
Raissa: Believer
Robyn: Robyn
Saint Etienne: So Tough
Sia: Colour The Small One
Soft Cell: Non Stop Erotic Cabaret
Soul II Soul: Club Classics Volume One
Rachel Stevens: Come and Get It
Suede: Coming Up
Tracy Thorn: Out of the Woods
Tricky: Maxinquaye
Rufus Wainwright: Want
Amy Winehouse: Frank
Patrick Wolf: The Magic Position
Zero 7: The Garden

It’s more of an ‘albums you played to death’ list but the quantity is most definitely related to the quality for me. I could have written notes about each one but that would have been a bit much…

Instead of waffle about bad newspaper headlines, here’s the return of the meme, via the questions used in The Independent’s My Secret Life feature…

The house I grew up in…
had a horrible pine kitchen and nowhere near enough bedrooms but I’m not traumatised by it. No misery memoirs here.

When I was a child I wanted to be…
somwehere else. Don’t we all? And travel in time and space of course.

The moment that changed me for ever…
was the ridiculous moment of coming out to my best friend who came out back to me and outed our other friend who was secretly his boyfriend. How very gay.

My greatest inspiration…
is waking up with the man I love every morning. It’s sickly but true.

My real-life villain…
thankfully lives in another country.

If I could change one thing about myself…
I would get more sleep.

At night I dream of…
weird stuff.

What I see when I look in the mirror…
is an older version of me that doesn’t quite match my childish mind.

My style icon…
is not something I have ever thought about but I know a few people who have good taste in the ‘geek chic’ style who inspire me.

My favourite item of clothing…
is my green and white retro velcro Adidas trainers.

I wish I’d never worn…
one of those heat sensitive t-shirts in the 80s. what were we thinking?

It’s not fashionable but I like…
wearing my pyjamas and slippers. Every night since my birthday.

You wouldn’t know it but I’m very good at…
hearing those frequencies people with normal ears cannot detect, like tv and computer humming from a distance. How bloody useful.

You may not know it but I’m no good at…
making toast. Too impatient to wait for a good crisp golden slice.

All my money goes on…
tat like DVDs, CDs, comics, food, drink and clothes. Plus the usual bills, thrills and headache pills.

If I have time to myself…
I do this sort of thing.

I drive/ride…
my husband round the bend/on time, ride on time…

My house/flat is…
going to look very nice in about ten years when we finish it.

My most valuable possession is…
my sanity.

My favourite building…
is anywhere with good memories. But I like Gaudi. He’s an architect, innit?

Movie heaven…
is where all the dead actors live, right?

A book that changed me…
does not spring to mind right now. I love so many books.

My favourite work of art…
is in a graphic novel somewhere.

The last album I bought/downloaded…
was The Cardigans’ hits thing on double CD this week/Portishead’s forthcoming third album. Both were rather good and I shall buy the one I downloaded.

The person who really makes me laugh…
has no idea that they are funny and really needs to realise that.

The shop I can’t walk past…
is the bookshop I manage. Damnit!

The best invention ever…
hasn’t been invented yet. Or is it the internet? It probably is.

In ten years time, I hope to be…
bald and grey and fat instead of just bald please.

My greatest regret…
je ne regrette pas. I’m really not that interesting that I’ve done/not done things to regret.

My life in seven words…
Tea.
Books.
Daleks.
Cooking.
Cuddles.
Waffling.
Internetting.

How about an End Of Year Meme?

1) Where did you begin 2007?
At home, being a lazy sod, staying in, eating and kissing and cuddling. And that’s where I’ll end it too. Hurrah!

2) What was your status by Valentine’s Day?
Still married, still old. Still very happy thank you.

3) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
I am 34 and not a teacher. Nor am I special needs enough to still be at school.

4) How did you earn your money?
Illusions, never tricks.

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
No. I had my Lemsip stash at home.

6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
Sorry to be dull but no. Only one member of my family has a ‘relationship’ with the police and it is not me.

7) Where did you go on holiday?
Manchester (rainy), Lymm (drinky), Wales (sunny), Bath (noisy), Stratford-Upon_Avon (murder mystery-y), Midlands (foggy)…

What did you purchase that was over £500?
Nothing. Phew!

9) Did you know anybody who got married?
No, they all prefer living in sin. How very modern.

10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
Another no.

11) Have you run into anybody you left high school with?
Not in the real world, but there’s this thing called Facebook that all the kids are talking about.

12) Did you move anywhere?
I moved off my chair. Occasionally.

13) What sporting events did you go to?
Do not understand this question.

14) What concerts/shows did you go to?
Avenue Q! That Mitchell And Webb Look series 2! That Mitchell And Webb Sound series 3! Harry Hill’s Christmas TV Burp!

15) Are you registered to vote?
Yes.

16) Who did you want to win Big Brother?
Someone sensible. Impossible.

17) Where do you live now?
Same place as before.

18. Describe your last birthday.
We went out for a curry at a restaurant called Blue Ginger, which sounds like a specialist porn movie but was not.

19) What’s the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2007?
Have dinner with Mrs Doyle from Father Ted straight after meeting Harry Hill. Best night ever!

20) What has been your favourite moment?
Oh so many to choose from so I shall list a selection of the best ones:
The first Bloggers Meet in January when four blogs joined forces in The London Dungeon to baffle people shouting in wigs.
The Avenue Q trip in February where a generous friend treated us to great seats and a goodie bag.
The Mothers Day trip where we took our mothers out. To Southend-On-Sea. How sophisticated.
The Drill Hall nights in March where I coughed all through a radio recording then had chats with famouses afterwards, and the time where I found a fan/stalker.
The cunningly secret Bookshop Leavers Meal that was organised in June by a cunning man. We thought it was a pub trip but it turned into a fancy evening out with yummy food, presents and Kodak Moments. Fantastic!
The second Bloggers Meet in July in London again, with lots of food and drink, and shopping. And maybe a bit of sunstroke.
The Harold Pinter Extravaganza Night in July in the bookshop. Who knew preparing for a magical midnight opening could be so much fun?
The TV Centre evenings in August where I got heckled by the warm-up but was stuck at the back and couldn’t join in properly, where we were part of the “hardcore front row” and where I looked like a geek with my note book. And we met a Dalek.
The murder mystery evening in the posh neo-gothic hotel with too much champagne, in September.
The conference in September with freebies, meeting comedy legends and too much champagne.
The November West End Bookshop staff reunion in the now-transformed-by rival book chain location, where it freaked us all out by looking like a hospital with book shelves rather than our smelly old shop full of ‘character.’
The local branch of Waitrose finally opening before Christmas. Yum yum yum.

21) What’s something you learned about yourself?
I am not very good at making stuffing balls. That I hate it when iPods don’t work properly. That the smoking ban was a truly great thing. That I was very pleased by the return of Wispas. That I really despise lazy tabloid journalism and should not read it.

22) Any new additions to your family?
I got a hippopotamus for Christmas, does that count? And two polar bears.

23) What was your best month?
Looking back at my blog, it must be July as we had many many fun times.

24) What music will you remember 2007 by?
The stuff in my Music 2007 blog posts of course. And the Grinch and Hippopotamus songs.

25) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
I don’t really do drinking much but I have to choose Husband Jamie as he is always there and is rather lovely.

26) Made new friends?
I guess so. I am very fussy though. I’ve made Facebook ‘friends’… do they count?

27) Best new friend?
I don’t do favourites. I either like you or not.

28) Favourite Nights out?
See the answers to question 20, plus the pub quiz ‘pants and vests’ theme round.

29) Any regrets?
No.

Atchoo! Cough cough snort! Bah humbug! Here are some things that I did over the weekend for today as I shall be either zooming about in the bookshop or coughing up phlegm at home. How nice:

The Voyage Of The Damned trailer looks fantastic. The Curse Of Christmas Special may be broken this year:

The Daily Express still soldiers on, keeping up the pretence that it is a newspaper:


Boo hiss boo, Gordon Brown, weather, foreigners, dead blondes. Hurrah for free cars, water and other tat. Now just where did they put all the news?

For one day only (or at least until I can be bothered to find another one) it’s the return of The Monday Meme. Found at Toons ‘n’ Toons. So it is.

1. When you were born, how much did you weigh?
A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away. And I was puny human newborn weight, whatever that is. I would like to make up a tale about being an obese baby that had to be delivered in a special manoeuvre but that would be blatantly untruthful.

2. What’s you’re sugar poison?
I believe you meant to type “your” instead of “you’re” but… I cannot possible decide. Chocolate, cakes, biscuits, I love them all equally. They have never poisoned me.

3. If you had to choose between meat and cheese for the rest of your life, which would you choose? Then be specific.
Stupid question! Meat is not food. Cheese is the best food. Cheese wins!

4. What, is your opinion, is the worst song ever?
Anything warbled emotive-ly by those ‘talent’ show contestants. They can make anything shit sound shitter by using the Wobbly Hand Pitch Control while gurning. I guess Westlife and Celine Dion are a kind of genre so they win.

5. Who was your favorite teacher growing up and why?
The one with the glass eye. And I am not making that up. Although they weren’t necessarily the best, it’s just the best answer.

6. What personal activity, when performed in public, bothers you the most?
Spitting, loud mobile phone calls, loud iPods that the rest of the world can hear, crappy ringtones, smelly food eating, mobile phones that play shitty music without earphones, putting feet up on train seats, laziness, rudeness, swearing… so pretty much everything.

7. Ok, there’s a $50 bill lying on the ground. You pick it up. Dumbfounded by your incredible luck, what do you selfishly purchase?
I would purchase the equivalent in pounds by going to the bank. Then buy everyone at work some cakes.

8. Do you have a recurring nightmare? If so, explain.
I could be really flippant here and say that the quantum universe where I became like the parents, stayed in Essex, believed the Daily Mail and was horribly narrowminded but I won’t. So no.

9. Name one place on Earth you’ve never been, but vow to visit at least once.
Oh I am too lazy to plan those kind of things. Sorry.

10. You notice that question #9 wasn’t really a question. You feel smart for catching such a small detail. What else can you do really well that reminds you how smart you are?
I think that WAS a real question actually. I can tell the difference between “your” and “you’re” which is more than you can do, stoopid meme. So I believe I win.

It’s a new week so it’s a chance for The Daily Express to find something else as a headline. Maybe the ongoing Darfur talks crisis? Maybe something about that unworkable English Parliament idea? Maybe something about yet another young black man killing another young black man with a gun? (What is that all about? Honestly?) Maybe something about the continuing cock-up that is Iraq? Or the housing market? Or Iran’s latest crazy nuclear plan?

Bugger. She’s still holding on. With three new ‘sightings.’ Just like the last load of ‘sightings’ that were more like lazy visual guess work I’ll bet. Nice to see The Scary Picture back for the week ahead. And some royal has been blackmailed about blow and blow jobs but not jobs without the blow as royals don’t do that sort of thing. But we can’t say who it is! I don’t think they can link it to Diana but I bet they try. Twits.

Still enjoying series 2 of Robin Hood much more than I thought I would, even Ralf Little couldn’t ruin it this week…

… and not just because of all the fit young men in it. I’m not that shallow. Probably. Next week’s guest star is Josie Lawrence. I wonder if she’ll do any improvised songs?

Still loving Pushing Daisies…

Don’t ask about the context of that clip. It’s extremely peculiar yet totally charming.

I had no meme today so on the bus home I racked my brains and came up with nothing. Maybe listening to my iPod and reading The Bookseller (the magazine for all those bookgeeks in the business we call books) as the same time as the brain-racking was not the best mthod. So I got home to find that I have been blog-tagged by Old Cheeser in a kind of meme… He wants 7 interesting things about me and then I tag 7 other bloggers to do the same. Seven things? I can’t think of any! But I shall try…

1. I have been a vegetarian for 21 years. How flippin’ interesting.

2. I met my husband when he was an internet buddy of my then-boyfriend. We got chatting and after that particular relationship had ended we met up for a drink and became friends. Then a few months later we did it again only it got complicated.

3. I’ve been to loads of countries but never outside of Europe. I am lazy and hate travelling so that might be why.

4. I have an enormous… birthmark. But hardly anyone has seen it.

5. I have never smoked a cigarette. I am like so straight edge. Innit.

6. I could have been called Timothy but somebody won that argument and I am not.

7. I have never voted in any of those shit tv text votes. Ever. But someone must or how else do they still exist?

Was that thrilling enough?

I shall tag Cheryl, Clive, Mimey, Phil, Fawkes, Newplanet, VOTTD … and all my Facebook friends. You know who you are.

It’s Monday. It’s Newplanet‘s Spooky Meme. It’s shockingly bad (because of my answers, not the actual meme itself).

1. What’s the scariest movie you’ve ever seen?
Spiceworld, definitely. The acting, the songs, the Barrymore, the…
2. What was your favourite Halloween Costume from childhood?
Does not compute! I was not an American child.
3. If you had an unlimited budget, what would your fantasy costume be for this Halloween?
A zombie chav. I would roam the streets scaring the locals out of their lifestyle choice and into more repectable behaviour.
4. When was the last time you went Trick or Treating?
See the answer for question 2, fool.
5. What’s your favourite Halloween Candy?
Candy Dulfer of course. She has a saxophone made out of chocolate.
6. Tell us about a scary nightmare you had.
The one where Princess Diana and Madeleine McCann really WERE the most important news stories in the world. *shudder*
7. What is your supernatural fear?
Derek Acorah. Have you seen the state of him?
8. What is your creepy-crawly fear?
Dale Winton always struck me as particularly creepy. And therefore a tad crawly.
9. What’s your favourite scary Urban Legend?
I really don’t care.
10. Would you ever stay in a real Haunted House overnight?
If the rooms had a nice ensuite and the breakfast catered for vegetarians, yes.
11. Are you a traditionalist (just a face) Jack-o-Lantern carver, or do you get really creative with your pumpkins?
Do I have to repeat myself again? Not bothered!
12. How much do you decorate your home for Halloween?
It’s barely decorated for the rest of the year.
13. What do you want on your Tombstone?
My name?
14. What is your favourite work of horror fiction?
The Daily Mail. It bloody petrifies me. Whoever thinks of those crazy stories is a genius!
15. Who is your favourite monster?
Eric “Monster” Hall of course.
16. What horror movie gives you the most chills?
The one with the man with the mask and the sharp things who kills the woman and the other woman and the teenagers. That one.
17. Freddy versus Jason?
Mercury versus Orange? Mercury every time, he has the better fighting technique, and a moustache. Orange would just attempt to do a dance-off and Mercury would knock him out with a barrage of camp swishing maneouvres.
18. Ghosts or goblins?
Ghosts aren’t real but goblins include The Green Goblin among their members. He was a mentalist!
19. What is your scariest encounter with the paranormal?
Selling books about psychics to customers who believe in that sort of thing and tell me about their experiences. I once got trapped in a chat about a ghost alsation with a charming woman.
20. Do you believe in ghosts?
Do I look stupid? Er, don’t answer that.

In a tribute to those shit memes that you find on MySpace I have decided to make my own. Mainly because I couldn’t find one rubbish enough to copy.

What’s it all about? Well.. What were the last five:

Things that made you laugh (out loud or just in your head)?

Someone from school being fat and orange on Facebook.
The shitness that is Hollyoaks.
The evil Gorgon-worshipping racially diverse nuns off the telly.
Something podcasty by Ben Baker.
A book that just got handed to me while writing this at home.

Things you put in your mouth?

Spaghetti with pesto, chestnut mushrooms, roasted green pepper, pumpkin seeds and tomatoes what I did make.
About fifty hot caffeinated drinks today.
Three of those mini chocolate swiss roll things that some kind soul left in the staffroom.
A very nice baguette from my favourite sandwichy place: The marvellous Pumpernickels.
A handful of those more-ish Belgian biscuits that are my heroin.

Blue things you saw?

Blue Velvet.
Betty Blue.
The Big Blue.
Blue Hotel.
Blue Suede Shoes (dontchoo step on ‘em, ok?).

Crying pairs of pants?

The ones on MySpace.
The other ones on MySpace.
The ones on that blog on MySpace.
The pants from the MySpace bulletin.
Don’t all pants on MySpace cry?

Daily Express headline subjects?

Madeleine.
Diana.
Madeleiana.
Dirty Foreigners.
Death Tax.

Vampire slayers?

Faith.
Buffy.
Kendra (R.I.P)
The bolshy one who lezzed up Willow.
The quiet gawky one. Did she die?

Root vegetables?

Honey roasted parsnips.
Steamed potatoes with ground black pepper.
Oven roasted butternut squash.
Hope it’s chips, it’s chips.
Is it chips? It is? Phew.

Celebrities you could imagine dead, and the prefered method?

Kerry Katona: Sniffing her own face off.
Antony Cotton: Overdosing on outdated camp stereotypes.
Jordan: Popping like an empty bag of crisps.
Victoria Beckham: Facial creosote poisoning.
Jim Davidson: Bummed to death.

Moments of temporary insanity?

‘Accidentally’ whacking a woman with my bag on the tube when I got up. Well she did have her feet on the seat, talked incessantly about naff all on her phone for the entire journey and played with an additional mobile phone while doing so. It was only right.
Getting so number blind from spending the day correcting an inventory database all day at work that I shouted “that’s Numberwang!” when updating the numbers. A few times.
Thinking I really should resist going to The Nut Hut. And actually resisting. What was I thinking?
Playing Satellite Of Love too many times when walking home from the station this evening.
Writing this bleedin’ meme when I am a bit too knackered to do so.

Things you looked at on this computer that you are using right now?

Crap newspapers for tomorrow’s regular blog.
A bit of comics geek stuff.
I-Tunes where I added the two bonus tracks off the Roisin Murphy CD I bought to my playlist.
No pictures of half naked men. For once.
A Bit Torrent site where I added a new episode of Kath & Kim that will probably disappoint.

Goodbye.

I was going to axe the rubbish Monday Meme feature but then a certain comedyfangirlgeek did one of these awful MySpace ones so I just had to have a go:

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you said?
Why does it take so damn long to wash my face?!?! And then I told myself off for paraphrasing Harry Hill. But I didn’t really as I made all that up.

2. Do you like someone?
I like nobody. I am like well misogynistic and the same with men.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with “LUCK”?
I shall not go for the obvious choice… how about “monstertruck”?

4. What’s your favourite planet?
Certainly not Shampoo Planet by Douglas Coupland as that was a rubbish book. Can I choose Planet Of The Daleks starring Jon Pertwee? But that might get usurped by Planet Of The Ood starring David Tennant next year.

5. Who’s the 2nd person on your missed call list?
I can’t be bothered to check. Probably Madonna.

6. What’s your ringtone on your phone right now?
A kind of vibratey buzzing noise and motion.

7. What shirt are you wearing right now?
A stripey polo shirt. With a collar, not like a mint. There are no holes in it. Apart from the one for my head, the one for my body and the two for my arms.

8. What do you “label” yourself as?
£3 off, just so the customers ask if that is £3 off the marked price or the other price which doesn’t exist. Or sometimes 20% extra fat, depending on my mood.

9. Brand of shoes you’re wearing right now?
None. I am in my house.

10. Are you afraid of the dark?
Shut up.

11. What do you think about the person who last took this survey?
Cheryl? She is a tubby little tit witch!*

*not really. She’ll get the reference.

12. If you’re alone in a room with two beds, which one do you sleep on?
The one with the clean sheets of course.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Tossing and turning. No further details permitted.

14. What did your last text message you received on your mobile say?
‘At the moment it’s better than the heap of crap that’s on before it’

15. Whens the last time you took a shower?
Last night.

16. What’s a word or phrase that you say a lot?
C*nt, f*ck, b*ll*cks, *rse, sh*t…

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
That husband of mine.

18. Last furry thing you touched?
Heh.

19. How many drugs have you done in the past 3 days?
Loads! Caffeine, alcohol and Lemsip. So that’s 3.

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
None as I do not live in ye olden dayes.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
It’s always the current one. Oh how sickeningly happy of me.

22. Hats or beanies?
Baked beanies. On toastie with cheesie.

23. Your worst enemy?
Myself.

24. What is your desktop picture?
This one:

I have been working towards having my own Hip Hop Body. But the cakes get in the way of my target shape.

25. What is the last thing you said to someone?
Probably a burp.

26. Do you love someone?
Yes. You know I do.

27. Last song you listened to?
That one by Gabrielle that sounds like the olden days.

It’s actually a very very >good album. I was so shocked I went and bought it after playing it quite a few times.

It looks like the end of the run of identical Express front pages after today:

So she IS in Morocco? It says it in the special red Madeleine typeface! The end! No more coverage!

Er… hang on… That’s not actually remotely factual. Somebody said they saw her there and told somebody else … and we know how the last one of those ‘sightings’ turned out, don’t we? Oh well, it’ll do for me. Can we have some news now please? The Burma Kerfuffles are still in full swing but that doesn’t really affect good decent British people, does it? Let’s stick with what we know best and give every reader free dancing lessons and a bottle of wine. So look out for pairs of inarticulate judgemental types doing wobbly unco-ordinated waltzing in your street NOW!

Never mind the BBC telling terrible lies like hiring a bus for Nigella then pretending it’s a real bus that she just hopped on to force-feed people with her scrummy treats because no real bus en route to anywhere important would appreciate the delays to their journey and the risk assessments would be a nightmare… when is somebody going to slap The Daily Express good ‘n’ proper for creating infinite misleading headlines to keep their ghoulish readers entertained?

I got this week’s useless meme from That Cheryl over there. Here it is:

1. Do you still talk to the person you last had a thing with?
It’s hard not to when they live in the same house. And I don’t stop talking. Even when by myself. So yes, I do.

2. Have you ever seen your best friend cry?
I don’t have a best friend so N/A.

3. What kind of vitamins did you take as a kid?
The ones that tasted nicer than the big boy’s ones I take these days.

4. What is the last thing you ate?
Pie (Quorn and mushroom), salad (baby spinach, vine tomatoes, pumpkin seeds and pine hut kernels) and potatoes (steamed). Wow!

5. Did you get any compliments today?
Of course. Heh.

6. Have you ever gone to court?
No. I am a good boy.

7. What does the seventh text message in your inbox say?
‘Yeah I will but it just seemed a bit dull.’

8. Are you friends with your neighbours?
No. But we are not enemies either. Just a bit N/A.

9. Do you have any regrets?
I have the 12″ single by New Order. With the Fire Island Remix on it.

10. Do you remember your first kiss?
No. Was it with you? Is that why you ask? I was very very drunk.

I wasn’t really. It’s a bit of a long story though.

11. What towns have you lived in?
All of them.

12. What’s the last piercing you got?
A piercing bore.

13. When was the last time you drove more than 15 minutes?
1993 or something. I didn’t actually injure anybody but it’s for the best that I stay in the other front seat.

14. Have you ever thrown up from drinking?
Oh no. Never. Er… apart from The Birmingham Incident that has been covered here before.

15. Do you get jealous easily?
Yes, I am like well jealous of the perosn who thought up these excellent meme questions.

16. Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?
No, but I have played flick the carton.

17. Toilet papered someones house?
Huh? You frikkin’ weirdo!

18. Have you ever had a crush on your brother or sister’s friends?
I don’t think they ever had any friends… so N/A.

19. Have you ever gone to a beach?
I have never heard of this ‘beach’ thing. What is it?

20. Do you remember your teacher’s names from primary school?
Yes, thanks.

21. How good is your eyesight?
Shit. Where am I anyway?

22. Would you ever want to swim with the sharks?
Oh get a grip, stupid meme questions.

23. What would you say if I told you I was in love with your brother?
Something like ZOMG / LOLZ / etc.

24. Have you ever been out of your country?
I have barely been out of my house.

Yes, of course I have. I’m not quite that unadventurous.

25. Have you seen your best friend naked?
See question 2.

26. What’s the best wedding you’ve been to?
Mine, of course.

27. Would your parents be mad if you got arrested for fighting?
They’re already mad. And I don’t fight.

28. Where are your siblings right now?
Well they’re not here so they must be somewhere else.

30. Do you have a Honda, Toyota or Nissan?
See question 13.

31. What’s the last dream you can remember?
‘Don’t Dream It’s over’ by Crowded House of course. Everyone remembers that one!

32. Who was the last person to call you?
The French chick.

33. What time did you wake up this morning?
The same as every other day: Too early.

34. What are you doing this weekend?
We’ve just had the weekend, dumbass.

35. What does the 5th text message on your phone say?
‘I fucking hate school children. Get off the bus and WALK you bastards! *sigh*’

36. Do you drunk dial/txt?
No. I have never even been drunk so how could I?

37. What’s in your back pocket?
My arse.

The end. Wasn’t that enlightening?