I know what you need…. a toy celebrity foetus! You can get The Simpsons as cuddly foetuses (what’s the plural? Dunno) or even better, The Hulk!



If you want that one, visit the fecked-up site that sells ‘em!

Thanks to Hulk at his blog for this exciting news.

I despair for the future of this country sometimes. And not in a Daily Mail ‘everything is bad’ kind of way neither. Working with the public shows me how bloody pitifully rude and thick a lot of people are and sometimes it drives me just that little bit too crazy… Like today for instance. I had to throw a group of 6 youths out of the shop, must’ve been 17 or 18 years old, as they all ran laughing into the lift and decided it was hilarious to press all the floor buttons at once and then set the emergency alarm off in there. When told in no uncertain terms by me that they were idiots and surely should have better things to do they just stared blankly at me. These people will be doing degrees soon or even now! They think they’re intelligent and may one day have positions of influence … My day was rounded off at closing time by chucking out 3 separate teenage couples who were snogging and reading the Kama Sutra (and one lot were lying on top of each other on our comfy sofa, groping each other). Again, when told that this was not really appropriate behaviour in a bookshop I got looked at as if I had told them that my hair was made of jam and I was balancing a pile of cooked meats on my forehead. Fools! Aaaaaarrrggggghhhhh….

As seen on www.thecustard.tv today, ‘celebrity’ Wifeswap ‘star’ Lizzie Bardsley has been given another telly show! But hang on, wasn’t she a vile inbred freak who made the smarmy BNP leader Nick Griffin (not a racist) look like one of those lesbians who write editorials for the Guardian? Wasn’t she and her minger husband claiming loads of benefits and naming their rat-faced children ridiculous names like Bacardi, Burberry and President-Robert-Mugabe? Wasn’t she just vile? Yes she was. Why oh why oh why, Channel 4? Shame? What’s that?

Here’s the link in question: Channel 4 has commissioned a new reality show in which Wife Swap horror Lizzy Bardsley becomes the landlady of a bed and breakfast in Blackpool with her husband Mark. They will run the B&B for a fortnight, with celebrities staying the night, and the results will be shown in the four-part Bed & Bardsley next year.

Yes folks, today I’m nominating the advert for Canestan Duo for nonsense advert of the month.

For those of you who have feeble memories, or don’t watch Countdown (why not?), here’s the storyboard: Woman approaches pharmacist’s counter. <Beaming> Canestan Duo. please! </Beaming>. Cut to outside pharmacy. Woman swallows pill. Friend: Are you okay? Woman: I’m fine. Voiceover: This product has a pill to get rid of the stinky yeasty stuff and a cream to apply to the intimate feminine area  for immediate soothing.

All very innocent, maybe. But if she wanted just the tablet she could have got just the tablet. If she was itching she would need to apply the cream. It doesn’t make any sense! Unless she was massaging her vag on her way out the door…

While accidentally watching ITV’s new reality/pop/talentshow monstrosity The X-Factor I noticed several oddities:

Firstly, Simon Cowell was quite obviously smoking in one clip because you could see the smoke but his hand and what he was holding was mysteriously blurred! Get a grip, ITV! You can’t show a ciggie but you can show someone smoking it and show the actual wafting smoke? It’s political correctness gone mad I say!

The other oddity was that these crazy fools who audition and are blatantly shit make a big fuss when they don’t get chosen. Have they never watched this kind of thing on the telly before? The main point of the show is to laugh at the sad deluded public who think that just cos they can do a bit of karaoke after a skinful it means they can be a popstar… and they cry when told they cannot! Get a fuppin’ life! And yes Simon Cowell, you are quite right. It’s nothing like Pop Idol at all so how could you possibly get sued for copying it? Heh!

I met the most scariest woman today. She was collecting for charity (a war veterans one I think) and was really quite aggressive… I was called down to the till by a member of staff who looked quite frightened, and this lady behemoth with a charity pot thingy stared a mad stare at me and just said the name of the charity and shook her thingy at me. I explained that none of us had any money on us as we were on the shopfloor but that didn’t discourage her. She thrust a leaflet into my hands and said ‘do it tomorrow, it’s the last day.’ I stood there stunned and she shuffled out the door. I could sense that all the local rats would be fleeing town at this moment. She then did the same routine to the people outside to a similar effect…Needless to say, I binned the leaflet as she was quite mad and scary.

PS I am not mean, just don’t like being almost threatened by complete strangers to give money .

Local rubbish gay MarcoFromBigBrother5 keeps getting spotted around my shop and its locality! He came in with a pack of girls, making loads of noise (seal noises, squealing and clapping I expect) and has been seen mincing around the shopping centre. Giving autographs to girlies for some reason. Also spotted on the bus to that example of high class, West Drayton, with some girls readin Heat to see if he is in it as he is ‘famous’ now. “Ooooooh look there’s a picture of EmmaFromBigBrother5″ he squealed! Fuck right off back to yer council flat you skanky gay loon. Be a proper funny gay like me, it’s much more entertaining!

&#8230; you said aside from Jesus To A Child you found his lyrical output emotionally vapid…

…yeah I know….

We had such fun last night at the Little Britain recording!

Am I getting old? I went into my first GAP shop today and bought some clothes to relieve my stress… well, that’s how they advertise their nice stripey shirts on their website. I shall see if it helps when I wear it…