That’s it. The end of the year. There’ll be hordes of drunken chavs rampaging tonight, off their faces on cheap lager and looking at other blokes’ birds, getting into fights and smashing bus shelters. I’ll be kept awake by the bleedin’ noise and be all grumpy tomorrow. At least I have the day off… It wasn’t a bad year really, was it?

We interrupt the review of the year for an ‘I want THAT one’ moment.

A Twister duvet cover!

http://www.sendit.com/accessories/item/5000000001323

Re: Pointless celebrities…. I really hate Sharon Osborne too! That stupid little voice, the houses covered in dogshit, the dreadful stupid spoilt rehab children and her shitty talent show on the telly. The stretched face and Ruby Wax hair is just ‘eeeeeeeeek’ too. Why why why why why????

Fings what I read and liked this year:

Eleanor Rigby by Douglas Coupland is not just a Beatles song you know. It’s got the ‘lonely’ theme of that song but all the usual Couplandisms and shit. A book with no pictures (a novel) !

Astonishing X-Men by Joss Whedon and John Cassaday is what you’d expect when the creator of Buffy, Angel and Firefly gets together with the best illustrator currently with both arms working. Geek heaven! A simple effective story with great script and the art is gawwgeous!

Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now by Andrew Collins is another book named after a song but that’s pure coincidence. A student days memoir, very funny and the antidote to those Dave Pelzer type biographies where it’s all gloooooom…

Daredevil by Brian Bendis and Alex Maleev is the other big comics/graphic novel thing for me. Clever, twisty-turny gritty crime shit. With a man occasionally doing the vigilante in red thing. Geek heaven again for its realistic art style and great dialogue.

Here’s a picture of the X-Men….. mmmm, lycra!

The ‘huh?’ awards for ‘celebrity’ pointlessness:



Kerry and Brian/Bryan McFadden: Why do they exist? They get celebrity magazines to capture their every move , get knocked up, engaged, married, knocked up again, be smug about how happy they are together, go on celeb reality tv showand cry a lot, leave their crappy pop bands to spend more time together then split up. Have a solo career, have therepy, grow a beard, hire Max CLifford as a publicist, have affairs, deny affairs, go to the Priory… all with exclusive celebrity magazines coverage! Then complain about press intrusion! Boo hiss boo! If yer really depressed, lady, don’t go around being photographed going to therapy then jet off somewhere hot for Christmas with the celebrity mags photographers and leaving the little girls you care so much about behind! Get help in private and stop sharing every little event with the world. I’m sympathetic but just get on with it in peace. Stay at home, have a cup of tea and invite some friends round. Don’t sell it to OK Magazine. At least she’s not making records but he still is. Yes we know yer Irish and was in a boyband but are now a serious musician (titter ye not)… Still , at least they’re not the porcine mongs Jade Goody and Jeff with their ugly children.

Can all these ‘celebrities’ keep their problems to themselves in 2005 please? I am bored now.

some DVDs of the year…



Shaun Of The Dead: Brilliant actually funny and successful British comedy film. With zombies! And great extras … just like

Spaced: Complete boxset. Both series plus more bits than you could ever need. And then some more. Comedy gold! As is

Little Britain series 1: With the whole series and all the bits we saw at the filming that didn’t get used on the telly. Plus a great documentary and the pilot episode and commentaries and shit.

Weird. They’re all comedy.

Live comedy treats of 2004 in some kind of order



Little Britain series 2 @ BBC TV centre. Comedy gold every time. See our website for more details!

Dylan Moran : Monster 2 in London. Grumpy old man humour at its finest. And spotted most of the Shaun Of The Dead cast in the theatre.

Ross Noble: Noodlemeister in London. Right near front so achey necks but even the audience were hilarious.

Linda Smith at Newbury in a posh theatre with nice cups of tea. Like Victoria Wood but in a good way. We were right at the back and were officially the most working class people there.

99p Challenge recording at the Drill Hall theatre in London. Many nights of this, all fun. Except when I had to leave to go to the toilet and got heckled. Touched Simon Pegg (slightly).

Chain Reaction recording with Matt Lucas and Jimmy Carr in the smallest theatre in the world in London. Needed a wee afterwards so missed stalking Matt Lucas. Damn you, bladder!

and the worst:

Mel and Sue at that posh theatre again in Newbury. Right at the front this time but zero comedy. Yeah I know. I should have realised. Re-re-recycled material.The lesbians loved it though!

2004’s almost done. Hurrah. It wasn’t that bad really, except for the usual poo bits like Christmas and that there’s nuffink going on this week in any media except end of year reviews. And shit. So here’s some end of year bits to fill space and give opinionated views. Part 1 is the music bit:

10 albums of the year in no paticular order and why.

Feist: Let It Die. Spooky heartbreaking female singer songwriter also does some covers.

Keane: Hopes and Fears. The CD everyone’s got but I got it first so there!

Van Hunt: Van Hunt. A new American soul man who is actually very good. Yeah I know!

Shaznay : Open. The one from All Saints that has some dignity left and can writes songs.

Outkast: Love Below. It’s the album the 80s Prince would have made if he travelled to now.

Prince: Musicology. The album the 2004 Prince made which was quite good for once.

Bjork: Medulla. Quite mad. Human beatboxes and male voice choirs instead of instruments?

Zero 7: When It Falls. The ‘chillout’ act who have quality control. Lush.

Rufus Wainwright: Want One (and Want Two , out soon) Dreamy! And a little bit poofy.

Gwen Stefani: Love Angel Music Baby. What Madonna should’ve done instead of Kaballah.

Here’s a picture of Leslie Feist. Goodbye!

The saga of ‘real Vicky Pollards’ continues. The Sun (tits!) have found a real Vicky, the Daily Mail (retch) have too and now Jeremy Vine (blahblahblah) had a piece on his Radio 2 show about this made-up phenomena. They were concerned that Britain is going to the dogs due to Pollardesque teenage single mothers who shoplift, jump the council house queue and swap their babies for Westlife CDs…

I suppose they may dress a bit Pollardesque too, but then she was visually inspired by those frightening women you see in every shopping centre in the country. I still can’t get over those velour tracksuits that are a bit towellingy and usually in pastel shades. I saw another one in my shop yesterday, worn as usual by a rodenty looking woman with a fat arse. Is there a mirror shortage that no one informed me of?

And real Vicky Pollards? A whole section of the ‘community’ are real Vickys. Lazy bleedin journalism!!!!! On the radio some ‘intellectual’ tv reviewer from The Spectator was waffling on about it. …It’s a comedy sketch show, get over it! All characters are part-based on reality, they don’t cause people to act strange. Are there hordes of rubbish Scottish hoteliers hanging around the streets with picalilloes and talking in riddles? I rest my case!

Little Britain won all its awards at the Comedy Awards last night: Comedy actors, television comedy and the ‘peoples choice’ award, although there wasn’t much competition for that one. Does this mean I am horribly mainstream in my humour? Or are the public getting freakier? Boo hiss boo for Shaun Of The Dead not getting the best film award though, boo hiss boo!