Random bits before going t’t'pub…

Quote of the day: “Body like Halle Berry, face like Chuck Berry…”

Chav of the day: The woman who came in the shop and asked if we sold pens. I said no and recommended WHSmith round the corner. She spied, like a magpie spying a shiny thing, the pen on the counter for people to sign their creditcard slips with, laughed at me and grabbed it, then walked off. Fucking dirty cheap chav bitch. Hope she got knocked down by a 4 wheel drive buggy with screaming Britneys and Kevins in it.

Book of the day: ‘Yes Man’ by Danny Wallace. Free copy of ‘Join Me’ with it while stocks last.

Genre of the day: Disco.

Sandwich of the day: Brie, tomato and basil. V posh!

Danny Wallace: Strange man, but not Dave Gorman. Phew.

The nauseating ‘Kev and Bev’ adverts for the AA have baffled me. This is because they have changed the ‘Bev’, from the ubiquitous Olivia Colman (from Peepshow, Look Around You, Green Wing etc) to a new unnamed (in my mind) woman! This is almost as bad as that E-Sure ad that has a cartoon mouse rather than Michael Winner uttering his “calm down” catchphrase…

The olden days with the classic Kev & Bev lineup.
Kev used to be in ‘Grange Hill’ in the 80′s you know.
I know too much.

I do so hope that cravats won’t be the next bad things to reach the high street shops…

Damn you, Derek! You’re the poshest most English man in the world, ever!
Although he does have a way with words. On Saskia: “It was like watching a semi-trained polecat in a back alley in the East End…the noise was awful.”

“One would like a DNA test…”

According to that dreadful woman who has dug up Princess Diana, given her a bad hair-don’t, shat in her face , force-fed her like a goose and pushed her down the stairs (or rather, written another one of those ‘dead can’t sue’ style books that makes Burrell look like Alfred the butler) the royal family made Price Harry take a DNA test to prove he wasn’t fathered by 1950′s style cad-about-town James Hewitt. I assume it proved the rumours incorrect.

While I am not fan of the whole royalty thing (taxpayers money and all that) I am getting fucking sick of these vultures who keep on writing expose books on Diana that get a certain class of shopper all moist with excitement. Bad taste? Worse than a kiss from Maxwell from Big Brother, that’s for sure.

“Congratulations on being the biggest twat on the polo field. Again.”

Highlights from the deluded fools at Elstree in that pretend house with all the cameras in it:

Craig is upset about Eugene making tea for Anthony when that is his job (i.e the chav group’s gimp and figure of fun?) “I think he’s a bit weird, sorry, he’s not my cup of tea. I am friendly with people who are good looking, trendy and with it.” So none of the housemates then? Deluded fool!

Kemal explains that Eugene’s geekiness is cool: “Everything geeky chicy is so in… Polo shirts, backpacks, it’s slightly golf meets tennis… it’s like, you study hard but you also have a lot of sex.”
Phew! I love my polo shirts at the moment. I am such a sex-having clever cool geek!

Anthony felt a right tit. And a left tit when the girls let the ‘men’ touch their boobs. The berk said “I love fake boobs, they’re a piece of art,” before probably using the words “like” and “man.”

Derek on boobs: “As a homosexual, when I first saw boobs I thought it was a deformity. But seeing Orlaith’s boobs was a heavenly sight. A work of art.”

And Maxwell (should really be called Wayne) and Saskia (should be called Rochelle) got accidentally on purpose caught in the bedroom doing something naughty under the duvet. All very staged and unpleasant. It’s not nice being in a room where two people are attempting to or actually having sex and you have to pretend not to notice. I am still haunted by that moment in Chelmsford to this very day! Self-important deluded freaks.

I love it when the weather is really hot and sticky then suddenly it hammers it down… as long as I am indoors at home so I can stand by the window laughing at drenched chavs. It’s like a sprinkler test went horribly wrong at JD Sports. I never tire of watching the anti-social little fuckers get drenched.

Am I evil?

“Quick… to the Chavmobile, where it is dry!”

Dame Elton is suing the Daily Mail. Not because the basket of white puppies he ordered were brown and not because the room he wanted painted lavender was accidentally an off-magnolia shade. Oh no. That would be mad. He says they made up a story about him allegedly instructing people at one of his charity parties not to approach or talk to him. Why would you invite people round yer gaff and then ignore them? Unless they were your famerlee and it was Christmas? Silly tabloid journalists!

A spokesman for Reg denied the story and said :”Anyone who knows Elton or who has been to the ball knows that he greets everyone as they arrive, works the room and talks to every table.”

So there!

I love this photo. It’s from the strop at the airport.

I am glad I wasn’t eating when watching ‘Big Brother’ earlier as I had the treat of seeing the new ‘secret’ housemate have the world’s quickest shower. In. The. Nude! I know this sounds perfectly normal behaviour as not many people actually shower in clothes but the sight of a 6 ft nerd lightbulb collector who is mostly pastier than me except for the sunburnt bits is not at all pleasant. And all I can say is that shower must have been freezing…

Thank God for photo cropping.

Another blog that amuses, informs and entertains me is The Christopher Bate Propaganda. He appears to be a frustrated writer of amusing strange things trapped in a job he didn’t make. Why is it a good blog? Because of quotes like these:

“If I’m cremated I want to be thrown into the eyes of someone I don’t like.”

“THINGS TO DO TO MAKE THE WORK DAY MORE AMUSING: Attach random items of stationary to the annoying bloke who sits next to you. See how many you can put on before he freaks out. Think of it as human buckaroo.”

“Money Making Scheme #3: ‘Coxo’ a mixture of coffee and oxo. Mmm caffine and gravy!”

“Money Making Product Idea: HARSHmellows–Marshmellows with insults on them. Personal ones like “You DO look fat in that dress” and “Your future spouse will be your destruction”.

Have you seen this man? Try the above Blog link…

The Daily Mail had a headline about how it was wrong to send back the 57 or so Zimbabwean asylum seekers today. I thought the world had gone mad. Or that these asylum seekers were white or something. The Mail? Approving of failed asylum seekers staying here? With their reputation as a bigoted narrow-minded racist news organ? The government has had endless grief from the tabloids about not doing enough about asylum and now they have stricter rules it seems to disoplease some people. Not that Zimbabwe is a nice friendly place where they will sip tea and eat cake all day, but surely anywhere that has a large number of people seeking asylum from is going to be far from ideal? Make your minds up, Daily Mail!