Channel 4 have another new comedy show starting on a Friday night. ‘Spoons’ is described as ‘the brand new comedy sketch show from the producers of Channel 4′s hit quiz 8 Out of 10 Cats’ which made me shudder. So I watched it. And I was correct. It was shite with a side order of shite. It had Rob Rouse in it so I should have seen the signs. A collection of unfunny sketches performed by a group of actors with varying skills in the comic timing and delivery departments.

The website describes it a tad differently, as ‘The show follows the lives and loves of twenty and thirty-something urbanites as they flirt, argue and struggle to grow-up gracefully in bars, restaurants, parks, bedrooms, as well as the odd brothel. In this tangled web of fragile relationships and insecurity, we’ll meet an colourful cast of spot-on characters.’ Bullshit!

Continuing from yesterday, here are some more of Jay-Z’s ’99 Problems’ from warped minds:
From Ben:
-Jay Z is a huge fan of the new Bucks Fizz album (“Back With The Girls Again”), saying the production is just incredible. He has written a song for Bobby G to sing (“Mind Up (Nigga Please)”) but is too shy to ask him.
- He managed to collect all but 3 of the Star Wars Tazos set back in 1997. He’s been on ebay but he’s doesnt see why he should spend £7.50 (in p&p) to get the whole book when all he wants is 3 of them. If anyone does have Yoda On Beach, Boba Fett Fighting A Crab or ‘Luke Han 3 Up’ then please do get in touch.
- Hova dislikes Linkin Park but done that album with them so he could buy a 30ft gold model of the Chambourssy Hippopotamousse for his living room. No way he getting beaten by that bitch Missy Elliot and her 20ft gold Colin Curley.

From Chris:
- Jay-Z likes mice and vows to avenge “Every muthafuckin’ rodent that’s gotten killed by those head-rotatin’ muthafuckers”Jay-Z is of course referring to owls. One of his most famous live tracks ‘Head Swivel Fo’ Shizzle’ contains the line:”Those pellet omittin’ fuckers are on borrowed time,Gonna shoot those muthafuckers with my favourite nineTwer-wit, ter-woo this, son of a bitchBirds of fucking pray makes my finger itch”Jay-Z has recently made a statement that kestrals are: “Okay. They’re cool with me. I’ve seen Kes, man. Those birds are okay”
-Jay-Z hates most old people. He’s like to not get old and “all quivering and shit” He’d also not like to “Piss myself and take about how coins are gettin’ smaller and how old shit is better than new shit”

And the final word on this matter from me. I really cannot stop them coming!
-Jay-Z is constantly getting confused people coming up to him and asking him the name of that road round the corner from the station. “I ain’t no muthaflippin’ A-Z!” he moans.
-Jay-Z has a problem with Birds Eye Fish Fingers. “I thought them damn fishes had fins and not fucking fingers. Word!”
-Jay-Z’s biggest problem is that he can’t sing so he has to shout silly rhyming couplets and wave him arms about like an air traffic controller on wacky backy while wearing too much muthaflunkin’ jewellery.

‘Bridget Jones Generation’ is one of my most hated Lazy Journalism Terms. It is used by tabloids to describe all current signle women over the age of 25, and named after the popular chic lit character because before she was created by the author Helen Fielding all women were married off by that age. The Daily Mail (who else?) have used her to rearrange the words in another of their pieces about how marriage is the best and everything else is as bad as ITV’s primetime schedules on any day of the week. Observe:

‘The projections of a bleak future for many women in the Bridget Jones generation were published by the Office for National Statistics. They showed that the chances for women of living out their lives as singletons are rising fast thanks to the decline of marriage and the growing popularity of cohabitation. Unlike marriages, cohabitations tend to last for only short periods. The ONS analysis shows that one in five women approaching their 50th birthday in the early 2030s will have known only short-term informal relationships. It said that 20 per cent of women aged between 45 and 50 in 2031 will never have married and will have no partner. Another 11 per cent will have divorced and will have no new male partner. At present, only 7 per cent of women aged 45 to 50 are classed as unmarried and without partners. Overall, only 22 per cent now live on their own in their late forties. Among all women over 16, more than four out of ten will have no partner. A quarter will never have married, and nearly one in five will be divorced and have no new partner.
Independent analysts said women themselves were to blame for the growth of loneliness among the middle aged. Jill Kirby of the Tory-leaning Centre for Policy Studies think tank said: “Many people will be lonely and unhappy because they have turned their backs on marriage. Women are increasingly the victims and they will continue to be so.”
She added: “Women are accepting other forms of relationship which, with the best will in the world, are not lasting. We know cohabitations do not last very long. This means there will be a generation of women who risk losing the companionship of family and the financial security marriage used to provide. The solution to this lies with women themselves. But a lot of the onus also lies with the Government, which has contributed heavily to this trend by removing support for marriage from the tax and benefit system.” The tendency of people to forget marriage and live alone has been reinforced by Government policy, which says that marriage is a lifestyle choice no better than any other form of relationship. Married couples no longer get benefits in the tax system – while Gordon Brown’s tax credit benefits have been shown to help mothers who live apart from their partners more than couples who stay together.’

Damn you, Bridget Jones! You have ruined the lives of a whole generation of women who will end up lonely, old and miserable with no financial security as they do not have a ring on their finger! You are destroying the moral fabric of this once great nation!

And what about lesbians?

Christopher Bate is warped in a way that I enjoy, as are the many people who comment in the commenty bit on his blog (myself included). The current ‘hot subject’ there is to find out what exactly are all of Jay-Z’s ’99 Problems’ but remember, a bitch ain’t one! For those of you over the age of giving a damn about yoof culture, he is a rapper. A rapper is a man or a woman who cannot sing so they talk in a shouty way, usually in rhymes, over some old music stoelen from old crackly records. Or sumfink.

Quotey bits time…
From Chris:
-Mr Z has always wanted to juggle. He can whistle but he feels that’s pointless. His lack of juggling prowess is due to a lack of co-ordination due to waving his hands up and down a lot in videos.
-According to sources, Jay-Z would like to go back in time to the dinosaur age and fight a T-Rex. All of his projects have so far proven fruitless. This maybe because his ‘time machines’ have been cereal boxes with clocks taped to them.
-Jay-Z has a big problem with people that don’t take their shoes/sneakers off in his hiz-ouse.
-And, by crikey, does he hate Kinder Eggs. He doesn’t see the point. In a recent issue of The Source he said: “Muthafuckin’ Kinders, man. I don’t get that shit. The free toy is fuggin’ useless, you have to put the motherfucker together and then the bitch falls apart when you play with it. What’s up wit’ that shit, man? They ought to make like a Kinder Egg with a ring in it. Something solid and expensive. I may even make my own fuckin’ versions, teach those kinder mo’fuckers a lesson or seven (Thinks) Roccafella Bling Eggs! Wouldn’t that be some motherfuckin’ shit?”Roccafella Bling Eggs are available from Barneys and most hip-hop shops.

From Ben:
- Once Warren G walked dog shit into his favourite persian rug and he’s still not been able to find a really successful non-chemical cleanser to clear it.
- Once he booked tickets to see the Billy Pearce Laughter Show on Blackpool South Pier but then when he went he found his tickets were for thursday and it was only wednesday. (He still went Thursday).
- He still cant get Channel 5 on his terrestrial reciever due to living in the valley. “Ah be wanting to watch motherfuckin’ Columbo and shit”, said he in Smash Hits.
- Terrible crabs.
- He thinks More 4 sounds like a stupid idea “why cant Channel 4 just show better programmes?”, he added.
- He tells everyone he likes rap but secretly he thinks it is really rubbish.
-His true ambition is to walk on a moomin but he knows this will never ever be. He stomped on a Fraggle once but it really wasnt the same.

Any more for any more? Please post them on his blog comments.

My ideas? Not as funny! But here they are:
-I thought the ’99 Problems’ were all the same just repeated as he has a Saturday job as an ice cream man and all the Flakes have gone a bit stale.
-He is covering for Dear Deirdre while she goes on a package holiday with Denise from ‘This Morning’ and he has to find a way to construct two weeks of problem pages without using the B word that ladies don’t like being called.

Popjustice has photos of the new Goldfrapp video for ‘Number One’ and it has human dogs in it!

No caption needed!

The American remake of The Office is still going and is still great. Season 2 Episode 2 features an HR ban on email forwards causing problems for Michael’s desire to spread the monkeysex video to everyone with email, the introduction of Todd Packer (the American Finchy) and the training video about sexual harrassment called ‘Crossing The Line’ colliding with the appearance of a blow up doll and a visit from Pam’s mother. I assume BBCThree are going to show this like before. I dunno. Here’s a picture anyway…

My day wasn’t quite as excrutiating as that show. For once. It seems to be permanently dark at the moment but then I am indoors with no windows at work during daylight hours. I had a Ferero Rocher “spoiling us” moment which was nice but was too tired to attempt a pyramid arrangement of said chocolate treats. The ambassador didn’t mind though… Another night in, home alone. Listening to the new Warchild ‘Help’ CD with all the best bands doing exclusive songs for charideee… I glimpsed Smoking Pregnant Girl who seems to have appeared from nowhere to become another of our next door neighbours in what must be a dimensionally transcendental house… It rained a bit again and I watched some more new comedy. As you do. That is all, goodnight.

That popular show about the women is back. In America and the wonderful world of Bit Torrents. It’s just like before: Mary Alice is still narrating from beyond the grave, that weird-looking gardener with the man boobs is still about ten years older than his character and Bree is still potty. It’s all very good and there are some new mysteries and shit… Back on Channel 4 in January.

“I have some news. Rex died…” Bree sits at home watching the clock until 9AM when she can plan telling all her friends that she is now a widow.

Love Little Britain of course. But… the fantastic radio show has been released twice already. First time it was both series on a double CD ‘Best Of’ jobby. Second time was as two lovely ‘complete series’ two disc versions with an extra bonus disc of deleted sketches and outtakes for each series. Now you would imagine this was enough to just about stop the BBC look like money-grabbers who fleece the fans? Well…

Now we have the new ‘Little Britain On The Radio’ boxset tin thingy. With another CD full of more extra bits AND a 2 hour DVD with exclusive ‘making of’ material and bits from Matt Lucas’ ‘personal archive.’ Sounds wonderful but I already own 2 versions of the radio show. Grrr!

But if anyone wants to buy it for me for Christmas…

Vile lazy fat arsed chavscum Lizzie Bardsley appeared in the first episode of ‘Wifeswap’ a few years ago where she swapped places with a wife who worked, dressed well, could construct a sentence, didn’t sponge off the state for the eight children she couldn’t afford and was not a minger. And so the format of opposites swapping lives was created. Now this infamous dolescum has been done for receiving benefits while ‘working’ in her ‘media career.’ This career consists of being a rent-a-gobshite chav witch but she was paid almost £3,800 for this. Whoops! She forgot to stop claiming some benefits while earning that money… £37,500 of benefits a year! I could live quite happily on that much for doing naff all.

The payback amount? £4,879 of overpaid benefits and £2,500 court costs. That’ll stop little Jade, Rubella and LaRochelle getting their designer labels for a while…

Some of the money in question was earnt by doing a topless photo shoot for a newspaper. Eek!

I am getting old. BBC1′s new comedy drama Love Soup is about two thirty-something single people who are perfect for each other but don’t meet. They go through a string of inappropriate relationships and situations instead. It’s all very romantic though, as well as being quite darkly humourous in places. Designed for dull soppy types, I enjoyed it immensely so does that make me dull, old or just soppy? I don’t know but I shall be back for seconds next week at 9 on BBC1.

Dame Tamsin Greig stars in it with a man who is resonably attractive despite being American.