When Elton John and David Furnish have been waffling on about their planned Civil Partnership fing I was getting bored. But now that sex offender George ‘George Michaels’ Michael has decided to tell the world that he plans to ‘marry’ his lover Kenny ‘No I was never in Bros’ Goss in the new year (“we won’t be doing the whole veil and gown thing” said the toilet-loving bearded buffoon) I may need to rethink my plans and just do it on the quiet. I don’t want no kerfuffles.

George Michaels has a film coming out. About George Michaels. Please make him stop.

Did I mention how much I f*cking hate all those f*cking pigeons outside my shop? The whole of the road is permanently covered in a layer of pigeon poop. There is a crazy bag lady who sits outside the long shop window and feeds them. I would love to feed her fat scabby arse to the flying rats and then delight when they shit little bits of her all over the pavement… and the filthy birds keep coming into my windows and shitting on the glorious displays! Feathers and shit and books. Proper gorge.

Allegedly Jacko is hooked on pills! Why am I surprised? It is the trendy thing to do in the business we call show, after all. The clown-faced goon should be asleep until way past the end of his natural lifespan with all the sleeping pills he has allegedly taken. I had to chuckle at The Sun this morning though, whith it’s crazy headline screaming ‘Cocaine in his pants!’ According to the article ‘he once turned up in his pyjamas after a hospital visit. He often appeared dazed and on heavy medication. Pals believe he is takes so many painkillers and anti-depressants that he is constantly intoxicated.’

Oh those pesky ‘pals’ of the rich and famous! They can’t keep a (very badly kept) secret for long. Even Elton John has been talking about Jacko, mentioning the time he invited MyFuturePartnerDavidFurnish round to dinner and Jacko was there. Elton described him as ‘medicated’ at this time and discovered that Jackson had not actually eaten dinner at a table with other real people (not even monkeys?) for at least ten years. What a scary first date for poor old Mister Furnish.

30 to 40 Xanax a night? I don’t think that is even possible. He must not be human…

Whoops. It’s Jack White again. I am getting confused…

I am shocked by sumfink I read on’t'internet. Apparently Michael Jackson isn’t even the biological father of those two white kids he calls his children. You know, the ones he thinks are like unattractive sofas coz he covers them in throws all the time? Well, Debbie Rowe, that woman who made those kids for Jacko because she used to be his skin doctor or sumfink and felt sorry for him (and got a shedload of cash for renting out her womb) said “Michael knows the truth – that he is not the natural father of Prince Michael Jr and Paris. He has to come clean. I have no information whatsoever about the identity of the semen donor for either child as such (semen) was obtained anonymously from a semen bank under an agreement of confidentiality.”

Jesus! I thought he was a perfectly well-balanced family man with a troupe of children made in the normal ‘daddy loves mummy very much and plants his seed…’ method. Whatever next?

How about Jack White turning into Michael Jackson? Or is it Jacko attempting to get close to Meg White by impersonating Jack? He must be a fan of her drumming…

It must be Christmas or summink…

Lou and Andy turn on the Christmas lights in Mayfair with Stella McCartney and Madonna.

I think Ana-Lucia is my new lady icon woman.

There are no spoilers here, but they’re everywhere else…

Oh dear. That new Pope really hasn’t got a clue, has he? After the revelations of a sexual abuse epidemic in the American Catholic Church in 2002 (how many cases went unreported? And what about the rest of the world?) there have been new guidelines drawn up about the gays and their place in God’s loving inclusive old church. Pah! These guidelines address homosexuality as a ‘tendency’ but not an ‘orientation’ which is pretty bizarre to me. Isn’t a tendency something that you may find yourself doing, like my tendency to eat far too many hobnobs? I mean the chocolate biscuits of course, this is not some kind of gay slang. Anyway, gays that overcome their tendency can train to become priests. By overcoming I think they mean hiding it, which is of course a very ‘Dafydd Thomas’ kind of ideal world except he wouldn’t be the only gay in the church, more like one of between 25% to 40% ( figure estimated by Richard Kirker, general secretary of Britain’s Lesbian and Gay Christian Movement).
The document says “If a candidate practises homosexuality, or presents deep-seated homosexual tendencies, his spiritual director as well as his confessor have the duty to dissuade him in conscience from proceeding towards ordination. Such persons in fact find themselves in a situation that presents a grave obstacle to a correct relationship with men and women.” It also rather ironically states that the church has a deep respect for homosexuals and in no circumstances should they be discriminated against. Except when they are to be used as scapegoats for a huge number of dirty old paedophile priests who are no doubt still raping their altar boys and not mentioned on any new guidelines.

It’s OK, he’s only waving. It’s not a salute or nuffink.

A nerd, a credit card and I-Tunes… A fatal combination!

The Lazarus I-Pod made me do it…

The joy of the long weekend means I can give myself headaches by watching TV for three days.
Here’s some of what I binged on:
Bones S1E5: In which Dr Brennan reveals a little bit more of the reason behind her poor social skills, the FBI agent played by Angel’s David Boreanaz steals the show again and everyone cries due to a really good child actor. Just don’t eat your lunch when they find the rotting child corpse! Curb Your Enthusiasm S4E6 and E7: Larry manages to offend lots of black people, and picks up a prostitute so he can use the car pool lane to get to the game on time.
Derek Acorah’s Ghost Towns S1E3 or summink:Derek goes to Maidstone in Kent and does his charlatan psychic act in dark rooms with stupid people in a state of such mass hysteria that they’ll believe anything. Danniella Westbrook gets scared but then she is a tool, isn’t she?
Family Guy s4 various episodes: Where I realise that I mostly hate this show these days.
Harry Hill’s Shark Infested Custard S1E6: Loads of bits from other weeks get used again but no vomitting Stouffer, what a shame. Some of those kids look baffled. Still good stuff.
Little Britain S3E2: Rather lowbrow in places but raised some titters as usual. That’s my laughter you’re hearing over the ‘disappointed horse’ sketch, folks!
Lost S2E8: The cop show episode. Think first and shoot later is this week’s moral but it’s a bit late for one of our cast. Whoops. And Hurley eats all the wild boars and Walt and his dog.
My Name Is Earl S2E8,9 and 10: Look, it’s Johnny Galecki as this week’s guestar! Ah, those Roseanne cast are everywhere. Sara Gilbert is in quite possibly the worst sitcom ever made, called Twins, with Melanie Griffith as her mom and some stupid girl as her twin. Yes, she has a slutty stupid twin and she is the sensible one. It is hilarious. Or rather, it is shit. I lasted for five minutes before flatlining.
Nip/Tuck S3E11: A wedding. No funerals. Just who is that carver dude? I doubt the programme makers even know at this stage. Silly nonsense but fun.
The O.C S3E6: Where the show is beginning to jump the shark, becoming a regular everyday tale of rich folk rather than a clever nerdy version of the lives of some rich folk.
The Office S2E9: We are into the characters home lives again. I thought this would be a bad idea but it is fleshing them out brilliantly, taking them further away from the thoughts of ‘this is a remake’ and that.
Peepshow s3E3: Farts and pooing are never usually funny but in this case they were hilarious. So very very wrong in places but that makes it all the better. Or summink.
Veronica Mars S2E8: Veronica is still the greatest. Wallace is still AWOL and the conspiracy theories all start to merge together. Not long til the return of Alyson Hannigan and this time she has a fight with Charisma, just like the old days in Buffy. Fantastic!

Almost time for the big reuinion bitchfight!

More of that forthcoming stuff from that Custard website fing…

Celebrate Oliver Christmas 2005, BBC1 – Shane Richie hosts a spectacular show celebrating the Lionel Bart musical, with appearances by Matthew Kelly, Suranne Jones, Amy Nuttall, Hayley Westenra and Aled Jones. Rising stars Joseph McManners and Perry Millward play Oliver and the Artful Dodger for the evening.
The French And Saunders Christmas Special Christmas 2005, BBC1 – Includes “appearances” from Boy George, George Michael, Jackie Stallone and Brigitte Neilson, a visit to The Beckenhams Folk Festival featuring singer Rufus Wainwright; The House Of Tiny Tearaways’ Dr Tanya Byron; Mastermind with John Humphrys; and , EastEnders stars Alfie, Kat and Little Mo who are tested to the limit by Dawn and Jennifer’s talkative extras.
Green Green Grass Christmas 2005, BBC1 – A Christmas special of the sitcom starring John Challis and Sue Holderness.
ITV Christmas Pantomime Christmas 2005, ITV1 – A Coronation Street star-packed comedy combining elements of several panto favourites. Stars Debra Stephenson and Bradley Walsh as Cinderella and Prince Charming, Tina O’Brien as Lady Lou Hardup, Malcolm Hebden and David Neilson as the Ugly Sisters, Nikki Sanderson as Princess Pop Tart, Danny Young as Prince Twinkletoes and Roy Hudd as Dandini.
My Family Christmas Special Christmas 2005, BBC1 – A festive edition of the sitcom, preceding a sixth series.
Christmas Mania 2 2005, ITV1 – Presented by Girls Aloud, with Lee Ryan, Liz McClarnon, The Choirboys, Aled Jones and Il Divo singing festive favourites.

Smash your telly right now!