Plese could all lazy journalists, bloggers and rubbish impressionists hand in any remaining “I am the only gay in the village”s ? Thank you. It has ceased to amuse, as illustrated by today’s Sun newspaper article where once again they miss the entire point of the (admittedly originally funny) sketch and so on and so on. Hang on, I’ll show you:

Only gay in lotto grant
By VERONICA LORRAINEAN
“only gay in the village” group has been awarded a National Lottery grant of £120,000.

Gay-Glos won the cash to launch a ‘friendship project’ to help homosexuals in rural Gloucestershire. But the grant was blasted last night by other groups who missed out.
The Severn Area Rescue Association — refused £5,000 to replace a Land Rover — said it was “barmy and political correctness gone mad”. A spokesman for the Tithe Barn committee of Bishop’s Cleeve, Gloucs — refused £140,000 for a village hall extension — said: “We were rejected for not helping disabled people. But we can’t help anybody without cash.”
Gay-Glos members claim they are made to feel isolated and alone — like Daffyd Thomas in TV’s Little Britain comedy. Daffyd, played by Matt Lucas uses the catchphrase “I’m the only gay in the village”. Project leader Sarah Stephenson said: “Yes, we are trying to reach people who are the only gays in their village. At least Daffyd has raised awareness about the difficulties the gay community faces.”

Right, let’s recap. The Little Britain Dafydd sketch is funny because Dafydd thinks he is the only gay in the village which is a ‘fact’ that he relishes. Even though he bases his whole identity around being ‘a gay’ he has never actually been with another man and would run a mile (well maybe fast-walking, those hotpants do chafe quite a lot) if the opportunity arose. He enjoys this self-made ‘social pariah’ role but the joke is in fact on him as there is no homphobia in the village due to there being many things for gays to do and the majority of other villagers actually being of the non-heterosexual orientation. Dafydd faces no difficulties because of his sexuality so would never require the help of Gay-Glos. So there. The end!

Next week : “Computer says no” is outlawed!

… well, that’s what the computer told me to say…

The popular (with mostly nerds…) website TV Cream has a rather fantastic weekly email thingy they send nerds if they ask nicely. They’ve been reviewing the year 2005 for some reason and they also talk about radio. They seem to be psychic! Observe some of the highlights:

Good Telly:
DR WHO, BBC1
Everything about DR WHO has been brilliant this year, from the show itself
to Bill Turnbull “I am a Dalek”-ing into a ring modulator on BREAKFAST, to
the impassioned and long overdue return of Ian “DAMN HIM!!!!!!!!!!!” Levine,
to Matt Baker making that alien cake, to the Christmas special…and beyond.
Obviously our personal highlight has been the Outpost Gallifrey forum,
particularly the threads banging on about the Winter Olympics, the ones
explaining what the Christmas Radio Times is to US contributors and the
outrage over our misspelling of Eccleston. And, do you know what? We reckon
2006 is going to be even better. Who’d have thought this programme could
once again be the subject of polite conversation? Sometimes not even in gay
bars.

Bad Telly:
BLESSED, BBC1
Here’s a sitcom that’s achieved the impossible, taking some of the most
likeable comedy performers around – notably Mel Giedroyc – and getting them
to portray some of the most unlikable, constantly shouting, unsympathetic
characters in television history. The wafer-thin premise and tired gags
about dirty nappies were bad enough, but surely the lowest of the low was
the fact every single episode spent at least 20 minutes on a hugely
irritating argument between Ardal O’Hanlon and a surly shop assistant, with
much shouting about “being on this floor” or “already bleeped this item”.
Let’s hope there isn’t a second series; we’ve already spent loads getting
our TV screen constantly repaired where it’s been repeatedly kicked in.

Good Radio:
MARK RADCLIFFE, Radio 2
The demise of the Radders and Lard partnership filled many long-time
listeners with dismay. Both of them have moved on, Lard to the mysterious
digital depths of 6 Music and Radcliffe to the old Richard Allinson slot on
Radio 2, which he’s managed to turn it into a slightly squarer facsimilie of
the GRAVEYARD SHIFT. Aided and abetted by regular guests like poet Ian
Macmillan, soap actress Sally Lindsay (of St Winifred’s School Choir fame)
and Noddy Holder, Radders holds court over an eclectic (and often too short)
mixture of music, chat, competitions and open contempt for some of the
playlist. The only problem with the show is that it feels too packed – some
nights themes develop that need more than 90 minutes for Mark and guests to
work through. Still, consistently excellent listening.

Bad Radio:
SARAH KENNEDY, Radio 2
Imagine you’re trapped in a lift with blaring muzak and a fiftysomething (we
may be being generous here) Home Counties temp who’s squiffy on gin and
humming show tunes. Then translate that to 6am and make it last for an hour
and a half. Give her a copy of the Telegraph, add “-ingtons” to every third
word, liberally sprinkle with anecdotes about “the much beloved” and charity
work, shake well, and vomit copiously. This is reprehensible radio and the
sooner the slot disappears and she’s replaced either by more Alex Lester or
Mo Dutta, the better. It’s the last weekday vestige of the Frances Line era
of Radio 2 – Music To Be Taken To The Lavatory By Your Care Worker To.

Who said political satire is dead? Not me. But I am trying to revive it…

Lou: So you’re sure you want to replace the van with one of those 4 by 4s that everyone seems to be driving these days?
Andy: Yeah!
Lou: But I thought you said that they were only driven by selfish egomaniacs with more money than sense and Daily Mail readers with little or no regard for the environment due to their inferior miles per gallon consumption (on average half as much as the average family saloon car) and not to mention them emitting at least twice as much carbon monoxide and nitrogen dioxide as regular sized sensible vehicles?
Andy: Yeah I know.
Lou: But you definitely said that the height of those vehicles meant that in an accident you were much more likely to kill someone than in our old van and the visibility issues for other drivers on the road alone would make it a foolish purchase for anybody with an ounce of common sense?Andy: Yeah. Monster trucks!
Lou: Ok, Andy. Let’s go for a test drive…

… Andy: I don’t like it.
Lou: What a kerfuffle!

Oh God , the social pressure is just too much now! I prefered it in the old days when I would be an outcast, snubbed by my peers and forced to live in a sham marriage with a woman I barely spoke to who would make me impregnate her 2.4 times to produce the required amount of fucked-up children who would disown me when they found out my shameful secret!

Gays can adopt children now as well as have an almost marriage! It’s political correctness gone mad! Or summink…

The Sun readers seem to think so, anyway. Now there’s a bombshell! :

Gay couples should not be allowed to adopt children, as every child is entitled to a mother and father, unless circumstances make it impossible for the mother or father to be present. However, as with other facets of government policy, political correctness takes precedence over common sense, and, in this case, the rights of the child.
Stephen Massey Glasgow.

Gay couples should not be allowed to adopt as it confuses the child involved when growing up. They will be subjected to bullying at school and all sorts. Also, it is not natural for a child to have parents of the same sex no matter how many people stress that being a homosexual is ok these days. I have nothing against homosexuals but I must draw the line somewhere and I feel very strongly about this issue. A child needs a mother and father figure.
Divayesh Patel.

Using this logic, people of different ethnic origins shouldn’t have children together as their kids may get picked on by racist little fuckers in the playground. And fat people? Oh no, what if two fatties had a fat kid? Ridicule! Better to have an abortion, I think! And gingers? Don’t even go there! I have nothing against Sun readers but I don’t think they should be allowed to have children if they’re brought up with such filth in their homes. Heh…

I think we need to remember that kids need to be brought up in a loving environment where they are wanted and looked after. Whether this is with yer nuclear family, yer solar powered family or yer single parent family, if it’s a home where they’re not being neglected, abused, locked in cupboards, starved, beaten or raped then it’s a good home.

Not only is Warren Ellis and Stuart Immonen’s ‘Nextwave’ the potential coolest comicbook of the new year but it is the only one to have its very own feem toon! Honest…

More comic greatness to be found at Newsarama. If you like that kind of thing…

Happy New Year to London from the bastard mage himself…

Hellblazer issue 215 is out now from DC Comics / Vertigo.

Look into my eyes… ‘Constantine’ the movie never happened, OK?

3 2 1 … You’re back in the room!

Lists and that continues with a ‘It’s been a good year because…’ theme.

… my blog came into its own and I ‘met’ loads of interesting creative yet slightly unhinged types on here like Ben, Christopher Bate, Norton, Scribe, Ziggy and all the rest. And Chris just said “Your site is quality. The material is certainly more interesting than the gibberish I come out with most days” which is rather nice but his gibberish is better than mine: Fact!

… I went ‘Up West’ for work and left behind the chav-infested suburban shopping centre. I have not thrown a single thieving / noisy / canoodling teenager out the shop so far!

… the almost gay weddings but not quite so as not to annoy the Daily Mail things became law. I feel the pressure to conform now! But who will do the catering?

… A film based on a comic came out and it wasn’t rubbish! Thank you ‘Sin City’!

… I have got more real flesh friends than ever before. Which is nice. And loads of virtual ones too, as a bonus. Thank you all.

… Nobody in my immediate world died or got hurt, as far as I know. In an opposite kind of way, someone did get IVF’ed, which was nice.

… Doctor Who came back. It could have been shit but was in fact rather excellent. Go, team!

The Michael Jackson kids keruffle keeps on coming! After alleging that Jacko’s white kids weren’t even made with his black sperm, (duh!) the baby machine, sorry, mother of the eldest two, Debbie Rowe, has now said that he abducted them to move to Bahrain. Now I thought he had full custody of them as she had basically swapped them for an autographed Bubbles The Monkey or summink so now I am confused… No word on who had the womb to let for the creation of Baby Blanket (the one dangled over the balcony while covered in a blanket) but it could be pretty much anybody, couldn’t it?

Look what you can buy on E-Bay. Oh the hilarity never stops…

Great big hunks o’ spunk!

It’s almost the end of the year and I have nothing to blog about (again) so it’s time for some of those end of year list things. Except mine are more random thatn Q Magazine making Bono man of the year (Bono? Fucking Bono? Whaaaaat?)

Cleaning product of the year: Cillit Bang Limescale and grime remover. Of course!

Supermarket for veggie food of the year: Waitrose. A late entry.

Vile euphamism of the year: Drilling for marmite.

Man of the year: MyPartnerJamieStallwood. As per usual.

Comedy I thought I hated but realised I was wrong (of the year) : The Mighty Boosh.

Comedy I thought I worshipped but was in fact sometimes a bit ‘meh’ (of the year) : Little Britain. Mostly due to the common people with phone cameras at the live show ruining it for me.

Worst thing ever of the year: London bombings. Of course. Even James Blunt isn’t that bad!

Worst musical thing of the year: James Blunt. Closely followed by Robbie Walliams.

Pointless celbrity of the year: Jordan. A lifetime achievement award.

Best new American comedy of the year: My Name Is Earl.

Best new American Dramedy (yeah I know) of the year: Weeds.

Most overrated musical thing of the year: Babyshambles. Hurry up and die!

Most ‘told you so’ tabloid moment of the year: Cocaine Kate!

Most ridiculous miscarriage of justice of the year: Michael Jackson.

Worst pretend family in the public eye of the year: Katie and Tom. Why why why?

Comicbook resurrection of the year: Brian Bendis’ New Avengers being a smash hit.

Best pub quiz of the year: Haven Arms in Ealing. Filthy laydee asks the questions with style.

Film of the year (in a real cinema) : Sin City.

Building of the year: Glasgow School Of Art. Posh knocker and that!

Rudest c*nt of the year: The man who shouted at me on Christmas Eve because he couldn’t go shopping as the shop was closing due to the fact that shop workers are allowed a life too!

‘When will it stop?’ book award for too many sales of the year: Dan Brown and that code of his.