One day to go …

I know I shouldn’t mention it but I couldn’t help it… Film-maker/ dirty old man/ Little Britain character inspiration/ ex- face of E-Sure Michael Winner (aged 70) was set a challenge to live on an average pensioner’s budget of bugger all for two days. It was never going to work! He had some crazy figures in his mind about the cost of living for a start:”I’m a pensioner, 70 years and eight months old to be exact. It costs me more than £500,000 a year to live. That’s £1,370 a day.” Er… How exactly? He continued: “As I’m on a diet, I’ve been eating £200 worth of beluga caviar every day for lunch. I’ve certainly stretched to £3,000 for dinner for two, including a reasonably good wine. My jackets are around £2,000 each.” Did those awful films he used to make really do so well that he could fritter money away on such tat? Has he been going shopping with Michael Jackson or something?

He went to the supermarket: “Supermarkets frighten me. I don’t understand them. All those shelves and prices and then, invariably, a queue at the till to get out. That’s when I either put my purchases on the floor and leave.” I bet he’s a Shopper Of The Week every week! He continued to be rubbish: “I headed for the fish counter. A swordfish steak was £13.99. ‘We can’t afford that,’ I announced!” Oh dear. What would Michael Winner’s dinner be like? Not that bad but his breakfast was worse…

“The coffee — Waitrose medium roast, smooth and well rounded flavour — smelt like a chemical factory. Nothing like my Blue Mountain freshly-ground coffee beans. But then my coffee was £10.06 for the same amount that cost £1.09. The coffee tasted like nothing I’d ever had before… The truth is that the 75p eggs were completely bland. The whole breakfast left a nasty aftertaste, so I cheated again and squeezed three of my own oranges to make some nice fresh juice… “

Michael Winner tried to empathise with the low-budget pensioners: “The big difference between them and me is their lack of choice. They can’t, unless they suddenly win the Lottery, take a private plane to the South of France or splash out on expensive clothing, or do so many things I take for granted. It’s not fair… It’s a bit of fun for me to go round a supermarket saving money. It’s something, in over 70 years, I’ve never done… Those images are with me for ever now. You know, as I’m writing this, I’m crying. I really am. It’s silly, isn’t it? “

I don’t think his empathic buttons work all that well.

“So when I take the private jet to Portofino in Italy tomorrow and lounge by the pool, the image of those less fortunate will remain with me. It won’t spoil my trip. But it will cause sober reflection. Which is no bad thing.”

Michael Winner was writing for The Daily Mail. Of course. And it was not a spoof.

Jonathan Ross and his chat show tends to be a bit irritating if I’m honest. He seems to exist only to talk about himself and his tedious life, throw in a load of smutty nonsense and as for those piano-loving homosexuals he calls a band …. but he is in my good books due to upsetting some people who you really wouldn’t want as next door neighbours.

When David Cameron appeared on his show as part of his “please love me and vote for me, I’ll do anything to look ‘yoof’ and cool” campaign, Mister Ross made a few of his standard smutty remarks as you would expect. They happened to be about The Iron Lady aka Milk Snatcher aka That Awful Woman Margaret Thatcher and revolved around asking Mister Cameron if he ever had wanky fantasies about Thatch in stockings and that sort of thing. Hardly shocking for a late night chat show really, you would have thought.

But no. Norman Tebbit, one of the most vile unpleasant men that I can think of who is not actually a genuine criminal or evil genius, kicked up a fuss and called the interview “obscene!” I bet he didn’t even watch it. And last night on Question Time we nearly choked on our nice cups of tea when the pointy face of Melanie Phillips appeared on the panel, also complaining about the interview. If she doesn’t like it then I have to love it. I have no choice. I think old Mel is just upset that nobody ever took the time to discuss their wank fantasies about her as nobody has that sick an imagination!

My amateur photoshopping proves that such fantasies are indeed obscene.

Jonathan Ross said “I stand by it. It was a perfectly valid question… even though upsetting Norman Tebbit has given me some small sense of satisfaction because he’s spent 12 years upsetting me,” he joked. “If Mr Cameron had felt awkward about that question and answer sequence we would have removed it, but none of his people thought it was a problem and neither did the people I work with, so that’s why we didn’t,” he added.

So there!

Yeah I know, I said no more photos. Well bah! I’ve spent hours uploading the whole kerfuffle onto a nifty little slideshow/gallery thing where you can also buy prints! Arrgh! Click, click…

Cake? Anybody? No?

Gentlemen! Worried you might be a bit poofy?
Look at this picture of ‘glamourous’ Jodie Marsh!
How does it make you feel?

Yes, I am still gay. Thank you Jodie.

Does she still bang on about wanting to be taken seriously and not judged for her appearance?
The silly grim dimwit needs to go back to her finishing school and be taught how to dress herself again. Not in the dark would be a good start.

Can someone join her blog and let us know? My virtual bargepole objects!

It doesn’t exist.

Or does it?

Looking good…

I was shocked (yeah right) to see that our happy day is contributing to the downfall of society by destroying traditional families and adding to the decline of morals, via an article in the scummy Daily Mail:
‘Most blame the Government for fuelling the breakup, with almost two thirds claiming that Labour “doesn’t like traditional family set-ups and seems to favour single parents and working mums”. A quarter of mothers reported that the traditional family structure is under attack from the increasing numbers of unmarried couples and same sex parents. And while single mothers enjoy tax breaks, more than half of two-parent families are struggling to make ends meet and a third are in debt, according to the 21st Century Family Life Survey…’

So in honour of this I present the first ‘other blog’ photo of our wedding…

Thanks, Cheznoir!

I thought our wedding was pretty hardcore ‘family values’ if I’m being honest. We got all the family together for the first time in several donkeys’ years (apart from funerals) and had a gay old time! If that’s not traditional morals and all that jazz then I don’t know what is.

The house is over-run with presents and cards. And balloons. It looks like nothing I can think of. Thankyou cards are the next project, after devouring the spare wedding cake (mmmm… choclit!) before moving onto getting my man-wife up the duff.

Caught up with last week’s Doctor Who… and… er… I dunno. A bit silly in places but then it is kind of a kids’ show. If I was twelve it would be the best thing ever, week after week. I still live it though, even if I am 33.

The bit with the Olympic flame was rubbish though.!

Next week: Everything!!!!!!

The view of the seasidey bit of Barcelona from the slightly unnerving cable car. It was preferable to walking as we were mostly sweat by this point so well worth the scary heights.

Official Legal Husband didn’t seem to be bothered by the cable car. What a man!

A view of Barcelona behind a Joan Miro statue in the grounds of the museum of his work and a few other arty bits. Yes, he has a girl’s name and is a boy! So what?

One of those crazy Spaniards. Or maybe it’s an arty fing from the Joan Miro Museum.

That’s quite enough Spain now.

Barvelona: It smells of drains! The trains are rubbish! Everywhere is being dug up! But we liked it anyway. The Metro was efficient and cheap, unlike the London Tube. The carriages had air conditioning but the platforms did not, which was weird. I lived on cheese and croissants as everything else was ham, so we ate at Pixxa Hut twice! I feel a bit dirty about that but it was actually nice and the chocolatey things were yummy! We went to arty buildings and fell asleep a lot… on separate beds! Yes, our married life began in a twin room, which is how it will inevitably end up, like all good couples. Damn you, Catholicism gone mad!

We do love a bit of Gaudi and even though it’s rather religious the Sagrada Familia is a pretty mentalist kind of building! I’s still not finished though…

How many more years until this is all neat and tidy? We had a bloody long walk up and down those ornate turrets, let me tell you! Miniature spiral staircases? In the Barcelona heat? Bah! When are they converting it into a shopping mall?

The glass is stained. Don’t look at me!

That stupid fucking lizard from the Rough Guide cover. Another Gaudi thing, in the Parc Guell. We got off the bus far too early on the way there and had a rather crippling walk. Boo hiss boo!

Gaudi’s arches. That man likes his organic shapes a bit too much. I look like we felt by then: hot and bothered plus rather knackered. We’re not getting any younger, you know.