Now that Miami Vice has been made into a film I am eagerly awaiting other rubbish 80s telly shows being turned into big budget flicks. Who will play Jessica Fletcher in The Murder She Wrote Movie? Hmm… a nosy wrinkly lady who writes rubbish books and gets involved in endless ridiculous dramas? I think that is the role Madonna has been waiting for! She’s got the leathery hands and silly voice and I’m sure she’s got a typwewriter somewhere or else how did she churn out all those kids’ books?

Who just said a phrase using the words ‘writer’ and ‘ghost’?

Come on… Own up!

That Mitchell And Webb Look is coming to BBC2 in September… and we went to the final recording session tonight at that BBC place. So that’s seven times we’ve been out to things related to this show. Madness, but worth every minute of it. Apart from a few of the minutes with Julia Morris doing warm-up of course. No rapport with the crowd, you see!

Unlike Dame Lucy Porter, who made her triumphant return to that job tonight and is such a comedy nerd that she sat on the floor and watched the show while she was not warming us up. More like cooling us down due to the weather but anyway… She came on, said hello to me and the husband as we were in the front row because I am a geek, and that made us feel happy and nerdy and self conscious. Being asked about your recent wedding and its best presents (but no wedding gift list, oh no) in front of a studio full of strangers is pretty odd but good. The rest of our lot were happy to have a warm-up with that audience rapport thing. Hurrah! And on with the show…

We had the joy of seeing some brand new sketches that weren’t from the radio series or the various warm-up nights (although we might have forgotten a few things) such as the future classic ‘biscuit telekinesis man’ and the stroppy ‘Captain Pugwash man’ down the pub. I shall say no more about these so as not to ruin them but I nearly laughed myself sick. We also admired the “massive yachts” eccentric phoneline millionaires, the German version of Numberwang, the rare Wordwang, the marvellous heroin sketch featuring a brilliant Gran Christmas present gag, and some visualisations of old radio gems like the cornershop lager man, the new Fuhrer, and the drycleaning business naming sketch. It is, in fact, better than Little Britain. Yes, that’s the show that ran for one series on BBC2 then they made no more! Remember it? It was great! Merchandise? I think you’re confusing it with something else!
The ‘children’ from MySpace enjoyed themselves too! It’s a win-win situation!

Look what I found on Amazon…
The Ginger Survival Guide by Tim Collins.
The burden the modern ginger has to bear is heavy. Mocked by friends and foes alike, or, worse, fetishized for their ‘red-hot’ sex appeal, at times there may seem like no way out for our carrot-topped heroes. However, help is now at hand. “The Ginger Survival Guide” supplies all the ammunition needed to complete the transformation from ginger whinger to Ginger Ninga quicker than you can say ‘Eric the Red’ or ‘Basil Brush …’

I think Clive should sue them. Or write a much better book. Which wouldn’t be hard.

George Michaels may have called off the wedding but he bought Kenny a million pound present to make up for it. “They have to make me look like a gay Wayne Rooney, don’t they? … I’ve got no issue with cruising, it is something I have talked abut many times. You can’t be in shame about the situation if the person isn’t shamed, and I am certainly not that. ‘I should be able to be what I am to young, gay people, which is a man who has succeeded in the industry for 25 years.” He’s such a role model for young gay men, isn’t he?

Kenny was thinking of the money he will get if he continues to touch George Michaels’ kebab on the odd occasion he is actually at home at night.

Rumours of her return are amusing me. Would the evil Endemol refund all the money they made off her eviction phonecalls and texts?

This is my Nikkimoticon for the rumour.

What else is she to do? She’s a loon.

She cannot get a proper job, can she?

If you are of a sensitive disposition don’t look at this.

Oops.

Too late.

It’s all gone horribly wrong. Patrick Swayze and Claire Sweeney are all over the tube with posters for their joint appearance in Guys And Dolls. That white wall they’re standing against now has permanent orange smudges all over it. Shameful.

Observations from a sweltering Wednesday in London:

People complain about the oppressive heat yet they will moan when it finally rains.

Stupid fools still keep wedging their legs in tube doors in the hope that they will re-open and let them in. Now if I was a tube driver…

The new Coke For Men (the one with no sugar) is shit.

I love the James Dean Bradfield solo album. He doesn’t have to pack too many words and syllables into every sentence, unlike the Manics stuff. It’s better than the band’s last few albums. I don’t ‘get’ TV On The Radio. I am obviously not trendy enough.

There was a European kid (chubby and ginger of course) on the tube home who had a bouffant with a bushy rats tail hair don’t. If I was carrying scissors… Or a blowtorch…

Love David McAlmont. Just love him. A big black soul voice a poofy gaylord. Marvellous. Love his work as Thieves, love his solo work (except a few mediocre tracks) , love his Bassey moment with David Arnold and his collaboration with Craig Armstrong. Lovely.

Love Bernard Butler. His silly guitar solos, his rock hair. Still loving his work with Suede (even though he had some bad Brett lyrics at times), loved his solo stuff, loved The Tears (well, half the album anyway).

Love McAlmont & Butler. When they’re not fighting they make music. They’ve had 2 albums now and a new track has surfaced as a one-off download single. It’s called ‘Speed’ and it’s not all that catchy upon first listen but it’s a grower. And it’s here at ‘Stereogum’. For nowt. Oh yes. And for newcomers there are some other mp3 bits here at ‘To Die By Your Side’ including an odd cover and their very own feem toon. And it doesn’t even feature Dennis Waterman!

Is it nearly Christmas already?

Robbie Walliams is alive. But in my world of imagination he has been shot in the arse in a drive by shooting by the Wee Papa Girl Rappers. For crimes against rapping. If such a thing exists.

It’s quiz time! Approximately half of these belong to each of the ‘rapping singers.’ Can you guess who rapped what?

1) “A.D.I.D.A.S. Old school this is the best. TK Maxx costs less. Jackson looks a mess.”

2) “Blinding factor. The roughed up rapper. Quivers like a tree. Windy lover … she.”

3) “Eat neat got a seat ’cause they know me every town. And my sexy reputation won’t let me down.”

4) “Ok then check the tanline. Make your body shake like you’re stood on a landmine. Call me on the mobile, not the land line.”

5) “Ok bum rush the show. I’ve got high speed dubbing on my stereo.”

6) “I saw you sleeping on a station on a dredgy wood bench. I saw you turned away embarrassed started swearing in French. ‘Fou le Camp’ you started saying but you just didn’t know. That I passed exams in French about one year ago.”

7) “I’m rapping all day and i’m rapping all night. I’m rapping to the beat and I’m wrapping up tight!”

Robbie wondered why he hadn’t thought of getting down wiv da street in his bacofoil jacket. He phoned his mother at once to get the seamstresses onto it. Antony was still unamused by the comparisons to his own rapping and vowed revenge after Robbie recovered from the arse injuries. then he made some more profiteroles and forgot all about it.

Can you guess which is which yet?

No?

Hang on…

Rubbish ‘news’ paper The Sun appear to have a thing about Robbie’s Rudebox too. But they lack the quick wit because they have Victoria Newton writing for them:
“Whereas Madonna and Kylie came up with brilliant tracks such as Music and Slow when they branched out from pop to dance, Robbie’s attempt is a tuneless electro dirge that sounds like someone randomly slapping all the presets on a cheap Casio keyboard. When he’s rapped on records in the past, Robbie has got away with it because he’s then sung a rousing or catchy chorus which is the climax of the song. But I’m afraid Rudebox has him “rapping” all the way through. Frankly it’s a load of, um, ’rap.”

Erm…

The answers? Robbie is 1), 4), and 5).
2), 3), and 6) are the ladies.
7) is Antony Carmichael.
Their rhyme styles are uncannily similar!