Ah, Express. You can always rely on them for a combination of Princess Diana and Racism. Today they did not disappoint me. Uncannily, the muslim laws article used a certain photograph that Melanie Phillips’ recent bog roll of a book plastered on its front cover. I shall not be showing it as it gets right on my nerves. Instead I made this:

Meanwhile…

That new Tori Amos album is out and it’s rather good. Being the big geek I am, I bought the Special Edition That Doesn’t Fit On The Shelf and it has an extra song that is better than some of the actual album songs plus a load of photos and photoshoot clips. Very nice so far… The actual CD has slightly too many songs and they are divided up between Tori and her ‘girls’ aka the political old rocker one, the one with the martini, the crazy one (Delirium from The Sandman?) and the ‘dark’ one. While this may seem a rather pretentious idea (and to a certain extent it is), the songs make it work, unlike certain other Tori concept albums like the flowers one or the road trip one which were overly tedious in places. The songs themselves? Well, there’s Bouncing Off Clouds which everyone loves, Big Wheel which is almost as good and is the current single, a couple of silly but fun (except Fat Slut which is just poor) rock songs that remind me of her old old stuff, a couple of songs that have a go at Bush, some Bowiesque vowel affectations, a bit of plinky plonky piano music with some nice guitars, a song called Secret Spell which is a distant cousin of Bliss, and Beauty Of speed which is like old Tori in a good way. Near the end of the album you get Almost Rosey which has bit of every kind of Tori, and Velvet Revolution which is a great album-closer except it’s not the final track. I like it and I am bloody hard to please. (But not in that way) …

I don’t do showbiz but I like to keep up with the O’Dowds. While Boy George’s mum is releasing a misery memoir about her terrible life (pre-fame by association I assume) I read in the ‘news’paper at work that the Boy (Surely Man George these days?) has been in a bit of a pickle (mmmm… Sarsons!) with the law. Again. With his reputation! He allegedly got a man off Gaydar (my gay radar never did work all that well) to pop round and pose for erotic photos although he also happened to be an escort (not the Ford variety. That would be kinky though) which is not relevant. The escort accused him of falsely imprisoning him and chaining him to a wall after promising to pay him a tidy sum for the photo posing. But not escorting or any hanky panky even though he is an escort. Poor old Boy George, these terrible misunderstandings just keep on happening to him! Still, it could be worse. He could be George Michaels.

I also discussed Mark Morrison’s new Morrison’s Army where he employs a whole load of kazoo-voiced ‘lovermen’ with cattle prods to impersonate him on different days of the week depending on his needs. There is Mark One who does the court appearances, Mark My Words who sings them songs, Mark Prime aka Primark who gives the ladies a piece of little Mark, Markerpen who signs them fings (usually some h*’s t*tties), and Skid Mark who drives silly noisy cars a bit too fast. Or maybe I made all this up. It’s confusing these days…

I have to mention Kate Moss and her ‘designs’ even though I don’t want to. Give a monkey some crayons and eventually it will draw some skirts and shit. Ridiculous women will be queuing up for hours to buy some clothes that were ‘designed’ by a useless thing who ‘desgined’ them by randomly pointing at other clothes and grunting in a Little Britain Andy Pipkin style. Fucking celebrity culture. Piss off and let some real designers get some glory, Coke Wench.

I feel a lot better after that venting.

Instead of me nicking a load of questions off someone else’s blog and then answering them in a mildly sarcastic manner that reveals quite frankly bugger all about anything remotely interesting I thought I should set some blog homework for you all and write my own meme. It’s not got an overarching theme so please don’t look for one…

I did not purchase this Meme at The Gary Rhodes Store but Irecommend it for all your Spiky-haired cheffing needs.

The bit about blogging:
What is your name? Yes, your real one?

What feeling does blogging give you?

How many of the blogs you link to have you physically touched? In the flesh?

What do you do in the comfort of your own home when not blogging?

Tell me a thing that you wished you had blogged about but decided not to?

Why did you begin to blog?

What do you enjoy about reading other people’s weird ramblings?

What would you never blog about?

What is your blogging software of choice and why?

Is Blog a really stupid word or is it just me?

The bit about nothing in particular:
Can you name a highlight of the last year?

I am not going to ask for a low. Instead, what’s your favourite cake?

What makes you laugh?

What do you just not understand about puny humans?

Why do people buy The Daily Express/Mail?

What music are you listening to right now and why?

What makes a housewife drive an off-roader to take the kids to school?

What colour pants are you wearing? (It’s a compulsary meme question. Sorry)

What colour pants would you never wear?

Why do people go out in tracksuits when they never do jogging or the gym?

Have you watched the new(ish) Battlestar Galactica?

How much difference does a please and thankyou make?

Where is Gary Coleman?

Why did you do this meme?

I might fill this out. I might not. I’m in charge here , after all.

Amazingly, UK2 doesn’t support SSI. This broke our website. If you;re reading this, everything is now back to normal.

So the Daleks did their evolution thing and it went a bit pepperpot-shaped. No surprises there but it was a good episode and the slow part one was redeemed in the action-packed part two. Just the right mix of serious and sily, if you ignore all the plot holes, with Doctor David channeling the spirit of Doctor Tom in some ‘Genesis’ inspired moments. The Betty Boop showgirl continued to annoy me with her Goodfellas (Pizza) accent but apart from that it was pretty solid. Love them bitchy shouty Daleks so much better than the wobbly obedient drones of yesteryear. Martha got a bit to do, which was nice, and as she is pretty involved in next week’s episode I can forgive her occasional underusage this time. But what’s with all the dwelling on Rose? This never happend with Adric, damnit!

Next season: The Wrath Of Dalek Caan?

It’s the final day of The Gary Coleman YooHooTube Extravaganza! Today we discover why The Artist Previously Known As Arnold is not a great fan of musical theatre…

In other nerd news, both David Tennant and David Mitchell are set to appear on Parkinson when it returns in a week or so. It’s usually very dull but I shall make an exception for the Davids.

Is that Dirty Josephs show a spoof or what? They steal jobs from genuinely skilled musical theatre types by getting a load of tone deaf guys spray tanned and hair-straightened then plonk them in front of Captain Jack, SirAndrewLloydWebber and Graham Norton, make them sing very badly and forbid Norton to make ‘hilarious’ jokes about bumming. Just what is the point?

This week the Dirty Josephs had their technicolour dream coats taken away for singing a Hot Gossip song to SirAndrew.

In the parallel television world where everything is not crap, the final episodes of Veronica Mars are coming to America. They even made a nice poster to advertise it.

Shame the puny humans would rather watch a show about finding a new idiot whore dancer to join the Idiot Dancing Whores On Tour.

Today’s going to the supermarket trip’s highlights included being almost cut up by a German car that did not understand that there are two lanes on the road for a very good reason, spotting a souped-up (Heinz, naturally) chavmobile parked in literally the middle of two parking spaces that then drove off with more noise than a very large bag of kittens that had just been placed in a river that made the irrational part of my brain take over and run to the crossing to I could make it wait while I slowly walked across and mouthed several rude words to chav driver (while accidentally wearing my Numberwang t-shirt that I tend not to go out in), and giving a local woman driver driving all over the place due to being preoccupied by her mobile phone a great big beeping that she like totally didn’t regiseter because she was probably saying things like “What? I can’t hear you! I’m in the car!” before accidentally ramming a small child on a bicycle and crushing its head. That last bit (the sqishie kiddie) did not actually happen. As far as I know. But it’s only a matter of time. And you wonder why I hate puny humans?

I wanna go Cardiff! Them dirty Torchwood feckers are oot and aboot from Monday doing running, jumping, shagging, shooting and confusing. I can’t hardly wait until January 2008.

Actually, I can.

The next part of the Doctor Who cartoon is here!

It’s not as good as Captain Caveman, is it?

Calling all fat fucks… Susie is coming to England… The Newbury Comedy Festival is taking places in Newbury (shockingly) from July 7th to 14th and Susie Essman is one of their key bookings. They also have Shazia Mirza, Adam Hills, Lucy Porter, Ardal O’Hanlon, Mrs Barbara Nice, Arthur Smith and Stephen K Amos. Plus others that I am too lazy to name. I maight go or I might be too lazy and get put off by the cost for what are basically very short shows.

After the rather popular indeed Buffy comic that isn’t actually ribbish for once, what could they come up with next? How about a continuation of Angel? But didn’t they all die? Heh. Joss Whedon says the new comic will be “Season six— that is, the storyline we were planning to pursue— made much more epic and fleshed out quite a bit. We’re looking at it as a 12-issue miniseries, to keep it tight and intense. Brian (Lynch) and I have been exchanging juicy ideas. And some that are more bran-y. For health.” I might be rather excited by this development.

Is is Gary Time? It is? OK…

I cannot think of anything to say about that clip from Robot Chicken. It scares me yet makes me laugh.

It was another one of those weird Get Up Early, Go To work, Get tube to London, Go See Mitchell & Webb days.

Weirdest moment of the day: A MySpace friend request from The Official Shirley Bassey.

Second weirdest moment of the day: Accepting it and enjoying her music. I swear I am getting gayer.

Third weirdest moment of the day: Being recognised on the street from my blog.

It’s time for day two of The Gary Coleman YooHooTube Bonanza!
After Diff’rent Strokes ended Gary and Mister Drummond had a lot of time on their hands. Willis was off having his Drugs Hell and Kimberley was having one too. The less said about the annoying ginger child from the latter seasons the better. So they toured America and visited as many sitcom homes as they could. Gary didn’t like the Friends set as the coffee mugs were too bit for his small hands and Mister D did not approve of Roseanne’s couch as it “looked unhygienic” but they found a place that felt like home in Bel Air…

If only this brief moment of televisual gold had led to a new comi-spin-off show starring Gary and Mister D with Mister T and Jazzy B. But it was not to be. They couldn’t even get Geoffrey The Butler to do the occasional cameo. Bah…

In nerd news, I may have converted Clive to Battlestar Galactica. That pilot miniseries is in Virgin’s Buy Five DVDs For £30 thing so I couldn’t resist…

“Have you got the book that won?”

“Won what?”

“The prize!”

“What prize?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you know what the book is called?”

“No.”

“Do you know who wrote it?”

“No.”

“Do you know what it is about?”

“No.”

Sometimes I feel like a certain comedy sketch that used to actually be funny.

Yes, that one.

Shit. I almost did a catchphrase.

I ate too many pistachio nuts. They are the lazy bastard variety i.e. ready to eat with no faffing about.

Most of my staff room conversations seem to involve recipes, food or cleaning products. Am I a housewife?

I watched Neneh doing her cookery show on the telly again. I didn’t realise that looking at roasted vegetables could make me hungry shortly after finishing my dinner.

The first thing I did when I got home from work was clean the toilet and wash the bathroom mats. Am I a housewife? Really?

Poor Tim Minear. Another show bites the dust. Yes, Drive has driven off.

Forget about Noel Edmonds and his Cosmic Ordering thing for the silly people who ‘place an order with the cosmos’ and then get their widh fulfilled. That’s less cool than Celebrity Dignity Weekly. Now it’s all about The Secret! What secret? Well it’s a book and it’s called The Secret and bookshops are selling it like warm muffins, that’s what!

Is it a squirrel?

From the official Secret website:

‘One spring day towards the end of 2004, Rhonda Byrne discovered a secret – the secret laws and principles of the universe.Almost immediately her life was transformed, as she began to put into practice what she had learned. It seemed to Rhonda that almost no-one knew the things that she had discovered, even though the concepts could be found in almost every religion and field of human endeavour throughout history. And in that moment her greatest wish, and mission, was to share this knowledge with the world.’

Let me get the author Rhonda Byrne via A Bad Tabloid to explain: ‘All you have to do is visualise what you want, focus on it and it will come – “exactly like placing an order from a catalogue” ‘. Rhonda is obviously very pleased with her Cosmic Argos book as she has learnt that part of The Secret (which is not that secret, really, is it?) is that people are “human transmission towers”, emitting thoughts on a particular frequency and attracting “all like things that are on the same frequency” ‘. So we have a cosmic catalogue which we order from by a kind of X-Men-y CB radio? I bet they have funny call signs. There are of course some things that Cosmic Argos Radio cannot do as Rhonda admits that is is no secret that “a person cannot think thin thoughts and be fat.” Damnit! I shall not have that huge amount of cake I wanted today then. There must be a cosmic balancing of the fat issue, right? Oh yes. Rhonda reveals “Since the DVD of The Secret was released, we have received hundreds of letters from people who have said they have received unexpected cheques in the post.” I might have to start thinking happy thought too. I shall start relatively simple for now. Oh I would so so love some book tokens, please, cosmos. Cheques are so antiquated in the 21st century… Rhonda also says that harmonious thoughts can cure illness and if you want a boyfriend you should make space in your wardrobe for his clothes before you can find one. Oh the irony of Self-Help.

It’s Day One of The Gary Coleman YooHooTube Extravaganza! What am I talking about (Willis)? Well…
Remember when Gary played Arnold in that classic comedy from the late 1970s/early 1980s called Please Daddy Stop? Where a rich white dude adopted a jive talking widecracking catchphrasing Michael Jackson(child version) tribute act to entertain his rich white friends and make all the racist viewers laugh at the funny negro boy until they did a little bit of sick? Where you were never quite sure if the kid was played by a real child or one of those pantomime types? You do now!

The show is being remade with a huge budget and is coming soon! Mister Drummond is being played by Angelina Jolie, (WhatYouTalkingAbout)Willis is set to be portrayed by Hartley Hare, while potty-mouthed ragga star Elephant Man (not a real elephant) who described himself as “an actor who has not yet had a thespian experience” is in talks to play the white girl who died in real life and they’re currently remixing Jar Jar Binks on their ZX81 in time for his “astounding re-imagining” of the role of Arnold. I can hardly wait. It sure beats Transformers and them ninja turtles anyway.

Tomorrow: Fresh Gary Of Bel-Air? Huh?

Fact! I am almost blogging in my sleep at the moment and keep doing that weird thing where your head becomes too heavy for your neck for a second and it wakes you up. I am like a child in that i never want to go to bed. Even when I have to get up at absurdly early times.

Fact! I saw an Indian man reading That Daily Express on the tube. Is he aware of his paper of choice’s love of all things non-white and English?

Fact! The new Siobhan Donaghy album is much better than the new Tori Amos one. Tori’s is better than her last few though but I want to marry Siobhan and keep Tori as my spare Ginger Bride. Talking of Not-Sugabes, while Mtya’s single might be a bit too Lenny Kravitzy for me I do love her collaboration with Groove Armada. It has a bit of everything shiny, shoves it in a big pot, stirs it up and spreads it out like glitter electro vomit. But in a good way.

Fact! I have a new comfy thing. My nerd shame has reached new heights but I am secretly pleased to have been given this present.

Fact! I am getting a bit bored with The Eddie Izzard Acting (in a funny American voice) show whereas Battlestar Galactica is now even better than Doctor Who.

Fact! I never thought I would say such a thing.

Fact! The new album by Feist is in my CD player right now and it’s marvellous. It took ages to grow on me but now it takes me to a special place. And I don’t mean Canvey Island.

Fact! Heroes is smashing. Again. Spoiler Alert!

Fact! I emailed The Daily Express about one of their ‘Have Your Say’ people being a big old racist. See if you agree:
“Our lives and identity have changed, the colour, the tongue of invited and uninvited immigrants stands out the most obvious, noticeable. Then how others dress, the smell of their cooking, the constant smell of garlic on the breath of bank tellers, the rubbish around our streets and so on, scruffy houses, scruffy shops, scruffy takeaways, ghettos, knives, guns, explosives, drugs, theft, murders, burglaries all on a scale never known, they have all contributed to the ‘loss and change in our identity’… These foreigners impregnate our young girls as they are drawn to them, and have you noticed how many very very very young mothers there are about with different coloured babies. We are fast becoming a nation of bastards and mongrels.”

Hmmm… I think I might be right. Or am I being part of the PC Brigade? Or even the Gay Secret Police?

Fact! Playing Spagna in the bookshop is much better than playing Leonard Cohen. Now that’s a duet I would love to hear.

Fact! Certain types of people are getting twisted knickers over (Hamps)Ted Heath. Heh.

Fact! The comfy thing is now ready to reveal.


The Dalek has become obsessed with interbreeding since watching his friends on telly last Saturday and I dread to think what depraved scenes I will witness next on my new comfy thing.

Oh that Rufus Wainwright and his funny wobbly voice…

That new song that keeps getting taken off YooHooTube is back on (at the time of posting this) and Cor Blimey Guv’Nor he really IS so tired of America, isn’t he? Or maybe it’s more like Bored of Bush?

He likes The Beatles though. And sitting on chairs all jaunty-angley on walls. Must be a gay thing. Like the Gay Secret Police.

He loves a good strum, doesn’t he?

Rufus loves ladies. See? They are like everywhere in this one. They even die and then get up because it is all a very hilarious jape!

Rufus likes California. Because of the singing raisins of course. And karaoke.

I don’t know what that was.

Rufus Wainwright has a new album out quite soon and would like you to pay for it rather than nick it of the interwebs.

It’s Tuesday and I’m tired so it’s time for the thing I found under the pile of comics and next to the thing that I have run out of puff to sort out tonight…

Yes it’s another meme that Fawkes found…

Are your parents married or divorced?:
Married for almost 40 years. How marvellously family values.

Are you a vegetarian?:
Oh yes. Who isn’t these days?

Do you believe in Heaven?:
Yes. I went there once. The combination of strobe lighting, too much beer and an excessive amount of dancing sweaty beefcakes with girls’ voices made me ill.

Have you ever come close to dying?:
Not that I am aware of.

What jewellery do you wear 24/7?:
Nothing. When I am oot and aboot I wear my watch and wedding ring.

Are you eating?:
Right now? No. I am not some kind of bulimic you know!

Do you eat the stems of broccoli:
Of course.

Do you wear makeup?:
Does lip balm count? No? Then no.

Would you ever have plastic surgery?:
No. You end up looking like a muppet. Quite literally sometimes.

What do you wear to bed?:
Naff all.

Have you ever done anything illegal?:
Home taping! It killed music!

Can you roll your tongue?:
No but I can roll my eyes.

Do You have a boyfriend or girlfriend?:
Neither. I have a Civil Partner (For Life).

Do you believe in Abortions?:
I have heard of them so yes.

What is your Hair colour?:
Is bald a colour?

Future child’s name, boy and girl?:
President Robert Mugabe of course!

Do you smoke?:
Only if you set me on fire.

If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?
Someowhere local. I am rather lazy.

Do you sleep with stuffed animals?:
If you can call Husband Jamie that then yes, maybe after a big meal.

If you won the lottery, what would you do first?:
Be surprised as I have never bought a ticket in my life.

Gold or Silver?:
Is this a Dalek or Cyberman thing? I cannot decide!

Hamburger or hot dog?:
Veggie! Meh.

If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?:
Cake of course.

City, beach or country?:
Not beach!

What was the last thing you touched?:
Myself. I am The Divinyls.

Where did you eat last?:
In the lounge. It was a small rocket salad with a few steamed new potatoes plus a cheesey oniony lattice pie. Mmmm!

When’s the last time you cried?:
Bloody emo questions! Probably on my wedding day. For good reasons as opposed to being upset.

Do you read blogs?:
I fucking hate them all!

What colour are your pants?
Again with the pants thing! I am not telling.

Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?:
Quite simply, no!

Ever been involved with the police?:
Like in a relationship? No. Not even as a joke.

What’s your favourite shampoo/conditioner and soap?:
Simple. Just like me.

Do you talk in your sleep?:
I don’t think I do. He never tells me if I do.

Ocean or pool?:
Shower?

What’s your favourite song at the moment:
Today it is D.A.N.C.E by Justice.

Have you ever had a cavity?
Is that a thing you get that means you need a filling? Oh yes. Loads.

Window seat or aisle seats?:
Either. As long as it’s not next to a smelly person.

Ever met anyone famous?:
David Mitchell, Robert Webb, Dale Winton, Myleene Klass, Olivia Colman, Will Self, Sue Perkins, James Bachman, Michael Barrymore, Kathy Lette, Robin Ince, Peter Serafinowcz, Lucy Porter, Shane Richie, David from Luxembourg, er… and loads more authors and a few more comedians that I have forgotten.

Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life?:
It’s been good so far.

Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?:
I just bloody eat it!

What is your favourite sport to play?:
Hide the sausage.

Basketball or football?:
Ballbags!

When was the last time you went to the bathroom?:
A few minutes ago.

Do you drive a stick?:
Huh?

Are you self-conscious?:
Are you looking at me?

Have you ever given money to a bum?:
Why would an arse need cash? Would I insert it in the slot? Huh?

Have you been in love?:
Yes and I am in it right now.

Where do you wish you were?:
Here. Hurrah!

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?:
No.

Can you tango?:
No but I do a mean Fanta.

Last gift you received?:
An easter egg from a very nice colleague.

What occasion did you receive your gift?:
Easter. No shit, Sherlock!

Last thing you spent lots of money on?:
Define lots? Probably my house.

Where do you live?:
In my house.

Last wedding attended?:
My own, to a very nice man.

Favourite restaurant?:
Little Chef East Horndon, off the A127. Ah, memories!

What is your favourite kind of car?:
Cadburys CARamel.

Most hated food(s):
Meat.

Most loved food(s)?:
Chocolate, cake and all in the chocolate cake family.

Can you sing?:
Not at all.

Person on your mind?:
Nobody right now, more preoccupied with it being too damn hot in here!

What’s your least favourite chore(s):
‘Chore’ implies it is not a fun thing so all of them. Especially any that need more than two squirts of Cillit Bang.

Favourite drink?:
A nice cup of tea.

How long was your longest drive in a car?:
Probably to Cornwall. Madness!

I promise to be more entertaining tomorrow.