It’s Pub Quiz Night but we’re at home because we’re tired. Next week: A walk-in bathtub and stairlift? I hope not.

I am lazy so it’s lazy blog time.

Damn that Jeff Buckley! He’s making me shiver again, the bloody bastard brilliant dead beautiful singer.

The Armistead Maupin book made me cry on the tube today. Like I give a damn what people think. I finished it. It was good.

My personal highlight of the day was taking an arrogant pushy person down a peg (or three) by telling her exactly why she wasn’t going to be getting the stock order she wanted from my shop. Trying to manipulate a sale by playing people off against each other never works if the people are not stupid. Boo hiss boo to evil sales people who really should learn that being excessively pushy and sneaky does not get you the good result you so desperately crave. One point to The Manners Police!

Doctor Niles Crane is a gay? Who’d have thought?

I have discovered a clip of Tracey From Big Brother’s previous telly life:

Avin it! Zzz…..

Geh!

What a gay day. The bookshop now has this new fangled thing called broadband which means I can get emails just like that. And I can send emails just like that too. And I can use the internet to look at things and everything, whereas before I would click on the page, go put the kettle on, have a wee, pour the water (from the kettle, not my bladder) on the teabag in the cup and leave it to brew, check on the webpage opening progress, tut a bit, go squash the teabag and add the milk, go back to the computer and hey presto a webpage had appeared. I don’t know what I’m going to do with all this extra time. I feel like some kind of Gallifreyan (if they weren’t all dead except for..) or summink.

Talking of books…

This bloody thing and its sequel are bloody marvellous so bloody well buy them instead of bloody Spider-Man or Fantastic Four ar whatever the kids are reading. Yes it’s a graphic novel. Yes it has pictures. Yes it’s about a girl in Iran and her life growing up (and leaving the country only to return later). Yes it’s also going to be a film…

… and it’s sort of a bit French at the moment. How sodding posh!

Bonus feature!
Drugs are bad. See?

Kids: Never mistake massive quantities of LSD for transfers. Licking just one LSD will make you laugh in class, find a piece of chalk far too interesting, knock some things over and clamber over a random balcony, threatening to jump.

It must be true, I saw it on tee vee.

Memo to self: Do not watch the performing monkeys on telly at 9pm. They always scratch their arses, pick each others fleas and throw shit at each other.

What a busy buzzy bee I am… back to work at an obscenely early time after another terrible night’s sleep due to my newly discovered insomia (with snoring husband not helping but I can’t bear to wake him up as he’s so sweet) so straight into running around the big old bookshop writing notes on what has been done, hasn’t been done and needs to be done, what’s broken adn what’s fixed (to a soundtrack of Kriss Kross, Blur, Slade and Lamb) … The PC was still in computer limbo and the Mother Computer was a bit ropey too, so hurrah for the paperless office. The day flew by as I was all hectic and had too many coffees so then I travelled all the way into the centre of Fancy London to have another coffee and set the world to rights with Jemima while Bert was running late finishing work and not drinking hot beverages with us. I had a willing audience for once so I shared some of my scary thoughts, such as Stone The Crow(e)s which is my new reality gameshow. More on that tomorrow if I remember, as with my what not to do on dates and why there really was no need for the Russian scum to beat up Right Said Fred like that… I feel all ‘angry political gaylord’ as I have got pissed off about the stupidity of the world (today the stupid hat belongs to Russian fanatics, tomorrow it gets given to the Polish lady getting her knickers in a twist about Tinky Winky) and finally started on my Armistead Maupin book. It kept making me almost want to cry, which is the sign of a good book, but maybe the emotional sensitivity is partly from The Mysterious Skin which disturbed me quite a bit last night…

I am starting a campaign for people to send all unwanted Right Said Fred CDs and even 12″ singles to these charming Russian ‘Christians’ or Neo-Nazis or scum or whatever they call themselves. I shouldn’t use the word cunts but let’s face it, they’re pretty cunty to attack someone who is just politely trying to make a valid point. They deserve an endless loop of horrible remixes of I’m Too Sexy and Deeply Dippy. It’s the least we can do.

I have been playing my Not The New Kylie Album to death. I haven’t actually killed it yet, but it’s great tube music and I pretty much lived on the shitty stinking noisy place today. Meh.

Me and Jemima and Bert had burger and chips and shake/cokes at Hamburger Union. The veggie burger was odd but nice: ‘Vegetable Sausage Pattie chargrilled with ketchup, mayo, lettuce, and red onion.’ Mmmmmm…. lettuce. Low in calories as well as delicious!

We tied Ro-Land’s lead to a lampost and watched him salivate through the window. It’s not cruel, it’s for his own good.

Then they went off to The Black Cap which is a pub for them gays. It was karaoke night and all that jazz but with no actual jazz and the reminder of the existence of that Camden pub meant I had a flashback to the incident there with the male stripper and the baby oil many years ago. Greased-up plucked beefcake is so not a sexy thing. So I went home and got picked up from the station by my husband and he made me a cup of tea and gave me a Krispy Kreme. Screw the Russian mob (but not literally), I fucking love that man far more than is healthy.

It’s the last day of my holiday. I am listening to some truly excellent yet shit dance music from my youth. Hurrah for cassettes and Dolby B NR and other technological wonders. But I keep seeing flashing lights…

Now that makes sense. What would I do without The Daily Express? They tipped me off about the spies in my house last week too. It was gas meters then but actual miniature men with cameras looking at my taxes? Disgraceful! What would Princess Diana say? And how dare the media cash in on her memory? My beloved Express must be so angry about people going on and on about the dead princess to make money from her memory. Honestly…

I think I meant The Other Princess Diana. Damn you, Jodi Picoult!

What shall I do for the rest of the day? More comics?

How can Kate Spencer aka Manhunter resist such an offer?

I love monkeys!

That Cheryl posted a quizzy thing from MySpace and then The Clive did it too and so did Jemima and it is Monday so…

1. If your doctor said you were pregnant, what would you do?
Be rather worried that I hadn’t realised that A) I was a woman and B) a man had put his winkie in my hoo-haa.

2. Do you trust all of your friends?
Of course, or they wouldn’t be my friends.

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
Like a vegetative state? Or a state of shock? Oh yes.

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Everything happens because it happens. Is that a reason?

5. Name two things you would NOT tolerate in a relationship.
A vagina.
The Daily Express.

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
Monsieur Q as he has studied lots of clever things. Or Book Monkey as he has seen the most naked people.

7. When was the last time you snuck out?
I have never done such a thing. Is it even a verb?

8. Are you afraid of falling in love?
What a stupid question. Yes, I am quaking with fear. Moron.

9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
Yes.

10. Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new person?
Of course. Friends are just there for convenience when I am single… Some people I have known actually believe that attitude. I pity those fools.

11. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
When we went in a plane to Spain. Technically when we came back from Spain in a different plane.

12. What did the last text message you sent say?
Something about being in the pub and someone else not being there yet.

13. What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
Physically I have literally no idea. In the same sex? Brain. Sense of humour. And then all the usual ones.

14. Fill in the blank. I like my new … ?
Combine harvester so I won’t give you the key. Get your own one.

15. What are your goals in life?
I have never played football.

17. When you get married, how would you envision your dream wedding?
I have and it was. Look at my blog from a year ago.

18. If you could say just one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
“Hulk smash puny humans.”

19. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended period of time, name some people you would call?
The doctors and nurses?

20. How many kids do you want to have?
A few but alas it will probably be none.

21. Would you make a good parent?
I would make a fantastic parent. Lend me a kid and I’ll prove it!

22. Where was your default pic taken?
In my lounge.

23. What is your middle name?
I need some secrets.

27. Honestly, what’s on your mind right now??
Lack of sleep.

28. Are you musical?
No, I am noisy in other ways.

29. If you could go back in time and change something, what would you change?
There’s no point in having regrets. Plus I know what happens when you mess with the space/time continuum.

30. Shoe size:
8. I am not quite lady feet man.

31. What are you wearing right now
Pants. It is warm.

32. Righty or lefty:
In hands? Righty. But I have been called a Trotskyite by certain Mailites before. Which amused me.

33. Can you make a dollar in change right now:
No. I only have a David Van Day. Where did the woman go?

34. Best place to go for a date:
I haven’t been on a date for 7 years! I recommend a restaurant though.

35. Favorite jeans:
Jean Grey. From the Grant Morrison X-Men era.

37. Favorite *animal*:
Animal from The Muppet Show of course. Not the Muppet Babies one though, for obvious reasons.

38. Favorite month:
Who cares?

39. Favorite juice:
That mixed organic fruit and carrot juice that costs too much but is, like shiny healthy hair shampoo, worth it.

40. Have you had the chicken pox?:
Yes. It were marvellously scabby.

41. Have you had a sore throat?:
Never. I have no throat. Moron.

42. Have you had plastic surgery?:
How else do you think I got these bazoomers?

43. Who knows you the best?
Everybody. I tend to express myself a lot.

44. Do you get along with your family?:
Most of them. I am the black sheep or maybe they are a flock of black sheep …

45. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
Yes.

46. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
My imaginary pet shetland pony can be a bit stroppy when it is tired.

47. Been to Mexico?:
No but I’ve been to Texaco. Very underwhelming.

49. Did you buy something today?
Something online, times two. For some nerds.

50. Did you get sick today?
No. Hurrah!

52. Do you miss someone today?:
I never miss people. I have very good aim.

53. Did you get in a fight with someone today?:
I only saw my wonderful husband so no. But we did have a tickling fight.

54. Did you have sex today?
Not yet but there’s still time…

55. Last person to sleep in your bed?:
Me and him. As usual.

56. Last person to see you cry?
Can’t remember.

57. Who made you cry?
Usually a good dramatic fiction makes me a bit emotional. I finished Battlestar Galactica this week and that always sets me off, damnit!

58. What was the last TV show you watched?:
Doctor Who. Best episode yet!

60. What are your plans for the weekend?:
To do bugger all except eat and lounge around, knowing me.

“Hello and welcome to Big Brother 88. Before we show you this year’s pack of fame-hungry morons who will complain about us after they escape we have to apologise for showing those celebrity people acting like puny humans that time when them women said them bad things about that other woman so yeah sorry and shit. This time we’ll only show people being nice to everyone and fully respecting everyone’s culture because this is reality tee vee, innit? Anyway, here’s the first person to enter da house…”

Kayleighe is seen sucking on a lollipop and her minge is practically hanging out of a pair of horrible hotpants. She is quite blatantly not Kylie Minouge circa 7 years ago: “I love shopping, me, I love it” /edit/ “…getting pissed with the girls and vomitting in alleyways” /edit/ “I want to marry a footballer” /edit/ “or someone with more GCSEs than me…” /edit/ “do you like my new baps?” /edit/

Jayson is wearing a t-shirt that features the word ‘slut’ spelt out in sequins. He tosses his hair suggestively. It suggests a vacant head: “… Soho at the weekends…” /edit/ “…never been to a Harvester before” /edit/ “What’s TK Maxx?” /edit/ “labels labels labels…” /edit/ “expensive…” /edit/ “I hate queeny men…” /edit/

George Orwell is looking pissed off: “Don’t blame me…”

… and then I woke up.

I wonder, will this year’s Big Brother feature real human people?
Will there be a heterosexual man who doesn’t look at women like they are walking vaginas and can engage them in intelligent conversation?
Will there be a gaylord who is more than just his sexuality?
Will there be a woman who is a model but can also do other things besides take her clothes off? Will there be anyone who is entertaining, witty, funny, troubled, serious, stroppy, considerate and well-rounded? All at the same time? Or will they all just be the usual group of wannabes with nothing to offer the world except tales of a sexual nature and a collection of skimpy outfits?

Meh.

My ideal house:
The woman who used to be a child prodigy but wants to be taken seriously as an adult.
The woman who believes she can see angels.
The man who is a recovering bulimic with a gret sense of humour.
The blonde woman who nobody knows is a lesbian yet.
The cockney man getting over the crumbling of his high school sweetheart marriage.
The failed stand-up comedian who thinks she is a lot funnier than she really is.
The white woman who has recently converted to Islam and isn’t scary.
The Eastern European woman who moved to this country to work for a better life.
The man who has recently got married in a civil partnership and doesn’t do ‘trendy.’
The stupid young orange girl that has a lot to learn about human interaction.
The white well-educated man who hasn’t told anyone that he is a member of the BNP yet.
The man who reads comics but doesn’t smell of hobbits. Geek chic!
The woman who is really an alien. Or a puppet. I don’t mind which.

Now that I would watch!

It’s music recommendation time… and they all happen to be ladies because sometimes that is what happens… or could it be that I have been listening to too many Leaked New Kylie Tunes and have gone all ladyish?

Chungking: Love Is Here To Stay

Chungking are not the popular Chinese fillum Chungking Express after it expanded its range. They have been described by lazy journalists as The Scissor Sisters Meets Siouxsie And The Banshees but I would just call them spunky and bold. They have elements of guitar rock plus synth pop all mixed together and the songs are all solid.

Siobhan Donaghy: So You Say

Siobhan Donaghy should be massively successful but has so far only got the heaps of critical acclaim she deserves. Puny humans buy hippity hoppity tunes to play on their mobile phones instead and I pity the fools. In her new video she takes the idea of ‘hug a hoodie’ a bit too literally and it goes all whoooah.

Robyn: Be Mine

This isn’t Robyn‘s new single (that’s With Every Heartbeat) but this has a much better video so serves my blog well. Robyn can appear to be just another lightweight pop act but upon closer inspection she’s rather leftfield in most of her decisions. This video is a prime example: happy poppy music with miserable lyrics and Robyn looking rather peculiar in places (which is a good thing). Her CD finally got a UK relese and I’ve played it more than the Tori Amos one even though I like that too.

Candie Payne: I Wish I Could Have Loved You More

Candie Payne is the current music press darling. She’s rather retro and is alright. I need to spend more time with her music to decide whether it’s anything more than just this week’s 60s-style thing.

No Bjork because her new music makes me want to run away. Sorry…

How weird to see a Doctor Who book done as a Doctor Who episode, kind of… Human Nature was one of a small selection of the huge amount of original novels that I actually kept after moving house numerous times (the others include one by someone called Mark Gatiss and a man known as Russell T Davies) as I thought it was not just the same old thing, which made me think that the adaptation was exactly what the current series needed to get the excitement levels up a bit. I was right. Hurrah. A lot of the original idea was there: We have a Joan Redfern and a John Smith but Bernice is now Martha for obvious reasons. The explanation of the human change are different too but they fit the overall theme of this year (being human, blah blah blah) very well, while making for a very entertaining mix of old style and new style Who.

I particularly liked the slower pace of the two-parter which gave us time to actually see things and use the locations wisely (unlike in that recent bloody Dalek story) , and the way that they used Martha, by actually giving her something important to do. The romance story was portrayed well, as was the invisible spaceship and generally amusing posh acting. All of the horror film imagery (floppy scarecrows, girl with red balloon, posh vampiric people, woods, er…) kept me entertained as well, and felt a tad Royston Vasey for obvious reasons. Roll on next week where I get to see how the ending is different from what I expect.

My favourite of all favourite Doctor Who books becomes a couple of television episodes, beginning tonight, sort of. The fantastic Paul Cornell from The Paul Cornell Blog wrote it, the usual people starred in it, Jessica Hynes is also in it, it’s bloody brilliant so watch it.

Trailer? OK…

Bonus clip? Why not…

Tonight. BBC1. 7:10. Stop changing the time, Beeb!