I have no idea what to blog about today as all I did was travel to and from work and do lots of paperwork. So here’s a picture of some quorn:

This particular quorn was actually very nice, unlike some of that weirdo pseudo meat for vegetarians. I have never understood the need to make something veggie take on the proportional speed and agility of a chunk of flesh but the quorn pieces in sun dried tomato and basil marinade via Loyd Grossman (his name, not my desription) are rather handy when faced with some vegetables, a block of cheese and a load of posh pasta. It’s all you need for a scrummy meal for two hungry homosexualists.

In other news, the That Mitchell And Webb Look Audience Posse has grown. Again. I feel like some sort of ringleader. I sold a copy of TMAWS series 2 CD today and proceeded to bemuse the man buying it by replying with a rather long answer when he asked me if I had heard that sci-fi comedy pilot they recently did on Radio 2. I really should be on a commission, what with having all three seasons’ audiobooks in my staff recommendations area.

In other other news, I got bored enough to do this:

It took an age but eventually did this:

Then it scared me with this:

I don’t know if I like it but it has my skin tone spot on. And I just noticed that it resembles the other photo of me i.e not the one I used. Peculiar!

If I was The Daily Express I would go on about it being hot. But it’s Summer so hot is how it’s supposed to be, and the Express would probably find a way to link the heat in with their latest Princess Diana conspiracy. Then blame the gays and muslims for the whole thing. So drink lots of water and wear your seatbelts when in the car, people.

Meanwhile:

It’s not a real princess! Stop it!

No wonder the poor kid can’t bear to face the camera.

It’s Monday.
I couldn’t find a meme.
So I wrote one.
Can you see what I did here?

That’s what I did, in case you don’t realise.

What have you done for me lately?
Kept me sane. Thanks, people.

What time is love?
A Quarter past cake.

Do you know the way to san jose?
Ja, zu gehst links, rechts und geradeaus, und San Jose ist das kleine strasse um die eche.

Is this desire?
No, it’s one of the other Endless. Probably Delirium.

Do you remember the first time?
Yes. It was very amusing. And messy.

Would I lie to you?
You might, if you were trying to save my feelings.

Is there life on mars?
Probably. But Mars are evil Masterfoods products so I avoid them.

When will I be famous?
I have been in The Guardian. Twice. So…

Where is my mind?
Where did you last leave it?

What’s going on?
The usual geeky ramblings.

Do ya think I’m sexy?
Oh yes. You have a lovely manner about you for a computer.

What difference does it make?
It makes all the difference.

Will you still love me tomorrow?
I will always love you.

What’s my name again?
Dave? Is Dave there?

Why do fools fall in love?
Because it feels so good.

What’s the frequency Kenneth?
I am not sure. I shall reverse the polarity and then I might be able to work it out.

Can I kick it?
Yes, as long as it doesn’t hurt too much.

Where did our love go?
Down the back of the sofa.

What have I done to deserve this?
Eaten the last Rolo.

So why so sad?
It stands for Seasonal Affected Disorder or something. The weather is making me mopey.

Who let the dogs out?
I bet it was that bloody Scrappy Doo.

Back to geeky pictures and videos tomorrow. Probably.

So I woke up with a sinus headache and had to go to Essex. Stuck in traffic listening to Transvision Vamp and Rick James might be smi-fun but it’s tiresome when your neck aches from falling asleep on the sofa the night before while watching another episode of The Hand Of Fear (I fell asleep during episode 1 too, damnit!) and you just want to have a rest. My evil side came out when my uncle was at the parents’ house and my inner monologue (don’t we all have these?) found me in a smug place. Uncle has always been a slightly superior type and when I was a kid his family (who are all lovely by the way) were, in his mind, a bit better than ours, for reasons unknown. Nicer house, nicer things, all the really important stuff like superficial luxury items and wealth. So all the stuff I didn’t really care about. Well it is Essex, innit? And he loves them Gays (and them Blacks, Asians, Jews, Chinese..) too. I think I learnt more homophobic terms off him than anyone else, such a nice kind-hearted fellow. Maybe me being the token gay vegetarian Guardian reader while he was the owner of a butcher’s shop who read The Sun and was more intolerant than my Belligerent Dad didn’t really endear me to him. Needless to say he completely ignored Husband Jamie and didn’t seem to want to talk to me either. His dog, however, was very friendly and just goes to disprove that animals/owners cliche. Anyway, my point (and I do have one)? Is it evil of me to feel a bit of ‘haha!’ when I hear that My Perfect Cousin (no not the song) is currently living in a council flat on his lonesome and is slightly estranged from his children (and more than estranged from one of them so there are at least two different mothers from what I could gather) while I, the immoral Evil Gay One, is living happily married in a three bedroom house that we own? Not that I think this makes me superior to anybody else. It’s just nice to see the judgemental people be in a position that they would find highly judge-able if it were happening to somebody else. I blame the parents!

While at the parentals we learnt that The Daily Mail is outraged that some police officers have been posting funny pictures of themselves in uniform on Facebook when they should have been out and about catching criminals. I don’t know who these police think they are, having a bit of fun in a quiet moment during what must be a rather stressful time at work. I say ban all computers! They are statistically proven to give you cancer and make unmarried women 3 times more likely to get up the duff, leaving them taking our taxi-paying monies to bring up their ASBO babies as we all know. Stop these evil Facebooks at once!

The pilot of the ‘reimagined’ Bionic Woman has been watched. It was not bad actually, and was exactly how I thought it would be. Bartender Lady Zoe From Eastenders As An American lives with her stroppy deaf sister Anne From Arrested Development and is frakking her college lecturer, as all American telly students do. Then whoops a big truck hits their car and he has a few scratches but she wakes up in the Big Secret Location That Is Not A Real Hospital and does the “why can’t I feel my legs?” thing. Oh dear, College Lecturer Who She Is Frakking is involved in Shady Secret Organisation With Morally Grey Areas and has replaced her legs and one arm (plus an eye and other bits) with funky bionic parts like in that 1970s teevee show. So she gets a bit upset, buggers off in a bionic running scene and meets Starbuck From BSG Who Is Evil who just so happens to have been driving that truck that smooshed her up and just so happens to be The Previous Bionic Woman Who They Thought Was Dead. Evil Bionic Starbuck and Bionic Zoe From Eastenders have this weird kind of lesbiany flirty thing in the bar where she still works and then end up having the Obligatory Chick Fight (In The Rain) for a bit, as you do in these kind of things. Secret Grey Morallled Organisation tries the softly softly approach to get Bionic Zoe From Eastenders to become their new agent but she tells them to frakk off. Meanwhile, a shady man with a foreign accent threatens Chief Tyrol From BSG who works in a top secret prison and lo and behold a Very Evil Man is mysteriously released and they plot a Secret Very Bad Thing… then it goes all ‘to be continued.’

So now you know. It’s kind of Alias meets Coyote Ugly meets Spider-Man.

I was wondering how Bionic Woman is going to cope with having her non-bionic arm repeatedly broken in those big bionic fight scenes every week. Hmmm…

Another new Sia song has leaked. Messy!

News alert! While having dinner and watching BBC News 24 a very fat woman talked about how the floods affected her house until a ‘breaking news’ graphic appeared onscreen: Mike Reid has only gone and died! So here’s our mini tribute to the great cockernee man, a few YouTube clips that we lurve:



Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!

I also made a quiz about me on Facebook. If you like that sort of thing you know where it is.

Hurrah, my Mitchell & Webb site is featured in today’s Guardian Guide Blogroll feature.

Boo, the online edition has a cock-up with the URL so no new traffic!
Boo, they spelt Mitchell wrong and think that I am obsessed with those computer adverts.

Maybe Evil Not-Really-Janet Ultron did it. As a joke!

The Guide also had a bit about Where Are The Joneses. Which may or may not restore your faith in contemporary comedy.

Want a nerdgasm? Watch this!

It’s that ‘secret’ JJ Abrams film. Innit?

Short blog today. I fell asleep earlier on the sofa and now my neck aches.

The Return To Pub Quiz was a success. There were no smokers (hurrah) so the place smelt of beer and mayonnaise. There was food (with obligatory extra salady garnishing) that was yummy. There was a stupid round called ‘Pants & Vests’ where the answer started with the word pants or vest (vestry, pantheon, etc) which was fun to do as we mostly guessed the answers before the questions but we were disappointed with there not being a ‘pantaloons.’ There was, however, a ‘vestigal’ which made up for the previous disappointment. The cider was apple but good. That is all.

Then I returned home and watched the new video from Sia, who is a bit cuckoo if you know what I mean but her music is oh so very good:

Don’t try this at home, kids.

… and then today at work I was a bit dopey until The Donut Pimp brought in some Krispy Kremes and I soon perked up. I also got a lovely bunch of chrysanthemums which I could pretend I bought for my lovely husband but that would be lying and wronge and anyway he reads this blog. So double thank you to my Uber-Minion for the precious things and hard work. Again.

In other exciting news I now have two schooldays Facebookers. It’s like Friends Reunited only not shit, dull or expensive and you can waste hours on odd software packages deciding which of your friends is the greatest dancer. If you like that kind of thing. Other Sister Sledge song-themed software may be available. I would have had three schoolchums made big virtual adults but one did a ‘delete’ and no longer exists in the land of the books with faces on them. It wasn’t something I said. Honest.

Joss Whedon is leaving Runaways already. Never mind. His story hasn’t gripped me anyway. And guess who’s taking over?

It’s only Terry bloody Moore! …

Well I’m excited anyway.

And finally…

I am such a Geek.

What a dilemma! It’s almost Mistletoe & Whine Time in retail and that means… calendars! Oh yes. At full price for ages until nobody buys them and they go dirt cheap straight after Boxing Day. What to hang in our dining room in 2008? Hmmm… this year is a charidee one, last year was some godawful comedy show that we don’t talk about any more and the year before that was a certain time travlling man. But 2008? I can’t decide!

Hollyoaks Hunks?

Wot no All*Star? No The Gay One? No The Angry One (Not A Proper Gay)? No Welsh One taking his hat and glasses and pullover off to reveal a beefcake? Pah!
or

Hollyoaks Babes?

Wot no Singin’ Rapunzel? No Slabface (copyright Lowculture)? No new pox-faced fridge spurning model bint? No Hoops? At least we have the girl who threw up in the bin last night. She put me off my marvellously posh salad, the cow.

Well…

Seeing as they are all completely unattractive on the cover even as a joke these calendars do not entice me. Maybe if they have some kind of dodgy softporno theme like in previous years. Or like a Cheeky Girls video…

I wanted a clip of Les Cheekays on Dick & Jude yesterday but no such luck yet. I got a text about it off a friend who was both thrilled and repulsed. They appeared with Mister Anagram who is loving one of them in the wrong’un but I can’t remember which one it is. The one with the teeth? Or the one with the autotune? Anyway… I settled for the above clip for now, as it is 3 or so minutes of pure shite delight. One point for the person who leaves a comment explaining the link between the clip and the calendars.

That’s all. I’m going to the pub now. I hope they have some non-apple ciders.

Heroes is finally on real telly tonight and I shall attempt to watch it all over again with The Husband. Well, we do have ice cream that needs eating. Meanwhile, I have been watching more new stuff.

I watched the first episode of Flight Of The Conchords. It’s the teeve version of what was a radio comedy. Like that’s not been done before. It’s about two misfit geek friends, Bret (in Converse of course) and Jemaine, and their rather empty lives and it features musical nummbers. Like another show. But without the animal whimsy, if you know what i mean. It’s very HBO-ey if you know what I mean, as in no laughter track and done in a naturalistic style, but without all the feck and buggers you sometimes get on grown-up channels. In episode one Jemaine goes out with Sally (played by Nancy from Peep Show) who used to go out with Bret while they both try to widen their band’s fanbase and avoid superfan Mel. With a few songs thrown in.

BBC Four have bought Flight Of The Conchords. Hurrah. I shall wait and watch it on real telly then.

Californication is the new David ‘Agent Denise Bryson’ Duchovny thing. It’s on Showtime, which I like, and it’s a half hour comedyish thing instead of an hour long one. The artist previously known as Fox Mulder plays a writer called Hank with the block that writers sometimes get and he says rude words and does naughty things. He has a daughter who would be played by Christina Ricci if she was stil twelve years old and an ex-wife who he was never actually married to who he fights with. So far, so ‘grown-up cable channel comedy drama thing.’ It’s only when Hank has an argument and then a fight with a moron who is on his mobile phone in the cinema that I warm to him. Then he has sex with a random woman. Then he heas sex with another random woman. He has dinner with his agent who is Imaginary Dave from Lost. Then they try to flesh out the characters a bit. It was alright I guess.

I love those sneaky pre-air pilot episodes you can run into online. My new favourite tv show comes as no surprise to myself and shouldn’t to you too. It’s Pushing Daisies. It’s created by ‘as great as Joss Whedon’ dude Bryan Fuller (Dead Like Me, Wonderfalls, Heroes) and it’s rather special. I’ve probably jinxed it now just from liking it out loud but I don’t care. It’s one of those odd shows that is not going to survive in world full of formulaic cop show shite and ‘talent’ contests but will be cherished by everyone who watches it: people like bloggers and geeks. It’s got the usual Fuller weird concept: Pie maker Ned discovered as a child that his touch can bring the dead back to life when his dog got killed but there are consequences to his gift: After a minute of new life somebody/thing else has to die and if he touches his newly-reanimated subject they will die again, this time forever. He helps investigate murders by using his gift but when the newest victim is his childhood sweetheart the usual one minute rule gets broken. With Ned played by Lee Pace from Wonderfalls and Chuck played by Anna Friel from English things, with direction from Barry Sonnenfeld you know you’re in for a treat. It’s all very hyper-real with bright cartoony colours, CGI fields and amusing death touches. It’s like a mixture of previous Fuller shows but with more charm and less snarkiness (so far) and a new spin on the old classic star-crossed lovers plot. If you want to love a charming witty sweet funny show with snappy dialogue, a strong visual identity and a great cast then hunt down Pushing Daisies. It’s out there somewhere. Just don’t mention Suzie from Torchwood’s special glove. Or Amelie. ABC have ordered 13 episodes. I wonder how many will be shown? ITV have bought the UK rights and I shall be buying the inevitable DVD for sure. Now all I have to do is wait until the end of September for the next episode…

So Anna Friel is Chuck? Well yes. She’s a girl though. Unlike Chuck in the new show Chuck, who is not a girl. This Chuck (created by OC creator Josh Schwartz) is a televisually cliched nerd (in Converse of course) who hides from ‘real people’ (mostly doctors) at his birthday party organised by his doctor sister (played by Doctor Marjorie from What About Brian) while crowbarring in a few references to his old much cooler college roommate. It just so turns out that cooler college roomie is running, jumping and fighting, and being intercut with shots of a stuntman to very energetic music. Roomie guy emails Chuck a Very Important Thing before being shot dead by Jayne From Firefly, and Chuck appears to download an entire interweb worth of Very Secret Secrets, as shown by his weird image flashing flashback/forwards things (including images of pies) meaning some scary people want him taken out. And not in a dinner and movie way. Cue ninja fighter who happens to be a blonde babe, cue running and jumping, cue Jayne chasing him in a 4×4, cue a bomb threat, cue me realising it’s not as good as Pushing Daisies but it’s a good bit of no-brainer entertainment. Is Chuck the new Alias? Maybe. Just don’t mention Jake 2.0…

Tomorrow: More exclusive shit about new shit that nobody has seen yet. Unless they’re geeks like us.

Monday. Meme. You know the score.

If I were a doll, the accessories packaged with me would be:
A bar of chocolate and an iPod.

What type of food do you eat at your grandparents house?
None as they are all dead now, but I used to get spoilt rotten with proper good cookery as well as the usual cakes. This explains my grown-up interest in trying new foods and cookery-ing them.

What would you do if you were stranded on a desert island with the person you hate most?
Wear them down.

What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?
Something horrible.

I find the thought of childbirth:
Perfectly normal but something I shall never see in the flesh.

Do I know how to cook?
I don’t know. Do you? I know that I do.

I am annoyed with:
Puny humans. Too many things to list here. People who know me know what I mean.

What child-related smell do you not like?
Vomit and sawdust on a polished wood floor.

What sea creature scares you?
SeaSea Peniston. She sang that song Finally in the early 90s.

What object have you broken most recently?
Define object? I have ripped a tissue. Does that count?

Name one of the Spice Girls?
I can name all of them: Nutmeg Fortesque, Coriander Smythe and Fennel Worthington-Jones.

What was the last thing to make you cry?
Laughter at a very funny man who doesn’t know he is funny wearing a comedy wig and glasses.

What serial killer do you find most disturbing?
Tony the Tiger.

Who knows a secret or two about you?
Everyone who reads my blog.

Have you ever burned yourself?
Probably. But not on purpose.

Who is/are your hero[s]?
I am too old for heroes. Apart from the telly show.

Where is your sister right now?
Gothing it large somewhere, probably.

Do you believe in things that last forever?
What, like plastic flowers?

What do you smell like?
Better than you.

Are you married?
Yes. Haven’t you heard? I never shut up about it.

Does anyone regularly tell you they love you?
Oh yes. See above.

What’s the most confusing thing to you?
Orange fake tan. Surely they must realise it is so very funny.

Have you ever wanted to be a teacher?
No. But I have the utmost respect for those who are, including several of my friends.

What is one thing you’ve learned about life?
That it’s a cabaret. Or is it a rollercoaster? It depends who you ask.

Today is Sunday is a day of rest. Not because of any imaginary supernatural beings or that kind of thing but because I’m bloody tired. I watched episode 5 of Meadowlands and the trailer for episode 6 sort of explains why it has been re-named Cape Wrath in the UK. Still a stoopid thing to do, but it’s getting better.

I thought I was being cunning when I watched the pre-air of Dexter series 2 episode 1 but then I found out that it isn’t due to be shown on (American) telly until 30th September. I have a very very long wait for episode 2. Bah! Dexter lost his mojo after the shocking climax of season 1 and has to resort to excessive amounts of bowling to get his kicks. Deb is over-exercising to cope with the shocking climax of season 1 and Rita has a nasty surprise. Yes, Dexter is back. And it’s still my current favourite thing that I am watching at the moment. Am I a weirdo to laugh at Dexter’s kerfuffles when his intended victim is too tall and heavy to move easily? No, I think we’re meant to find it amusing. Freaks!

Weirdest thing I saw today: A pushchair outside a house down the road with a cat sitting in it like a furry stripey baby with better cunning. And another cat sat on the grouns next to it, guarding it like a stern pussycat mother. Those kerayzy felines, eh?

There are loads of gay things on Channel 4 this week. I shall pass on most of them as I am feeling rather post-gay these days but the film written by Kevin Elyot that’s on tonight should be good as he knows how to write and it has proper actors who have done films and plays and everyfink. Although it looks like it might disturb me. As most things do these days…