I’m listening to Wham Rap (12″ version of course), as you do, and all the signs are there in the lyrics:

‘I have a good time, With the boys that I meet “down on the line”‘

and

‘I ain’t never gonna work, get down in the dirt, I choose, to cruise.’

and

‘Maybe leather and studs is where you’re at.’

I think the Princess Diana hair George Michaels had at the time is to blame for everything.

The bus stop man was reading his Daily Express as per usual this morning and I couldn’t wait to see if Diana would push Madeleine off the front cover for the first time in 29 days. Not literally as she dide from not wearing a seat belt while being driven by a drunk driver and she’s shared the spotlight with Maddie in the No News Express many times in the last month. The reveal?

Ta-Da!

Diana takes the main box and Madeleine replaces the usual ‘Camilla will never be Queen’ or ‘free Spanish person’s house in Spain to be won (Spanish language not necessary as they all speak English)’ bit under the title. Once again the story is a non-news one: Somebody said that somebody in a certain kind of car killed Diana. Meh. I could have said that a man in an Allegro killed her, would that be news? Bloody fantasists… Can the McCanns sue The Express as well as the foreign papers for printing endless made-up bollocks about them? Please?

Oh no. Diana is all over the teevee as well. They better not cancel Hollyoaks for her.

Those Pipettes have released their album in America at last. New cover:

New (2) tracks: Click!

What a fun day. I got shouted at from scross the shop by a mad man who thought that a long distance “Oi!” or two was a perfectly acceptable form of communication. After helping him and getting the item he was going to buy (before he decided it was too expensive) slung at me I calmly placed it back on the shelf, only for him to return, mumbling about “the crazy white man with the books” and then expressing his dismay that the item he now wished to purchase was not still on the mad white man’s person as I had put it back where it was supposed to be. He then attempted to pay for it at an information desk, swore again and went up to upset the rest of my colleagues. But we love the public. If it wasn’t for them we would be nothing. Nothing!

Have a free Feist mp3 as well. Ah go on.

What a smashing morning! I didn’t get out of bed until 8, after over two hours of that snooze button slapping. The Husband keeps working earlies but I am on late so I’ve had too many biscuits and it’s not even 9 O’Clock. Time to read some comics befroe I go to work and face the masses.

God I love Warren Ellis and his peculiar take on Thunderbolts for Marvel comics. Bloody freaky weirdoes, the lot of them.

Turin Brakes are back with another album on the way (the fourth?) and here is the first vdeo (with thanks to XO’s blog). It’s peculiar but very good and the song is a grower rather than a show-er:

Weird.

In geek news, Veronica Mars is going to be electric in Heroes… if you know what I mean.

Meanwhile, I think Hulk has been eavesdropping.

Today’s gay word(s) is…

Furry cup.

After a day in the bookshop with broken air conditioning I arrived home sweatier than Keith Sweat doing a cover version of Gonna Make You Sweat. Lovely. To add to my mucky workday woes I spent some time playing ‘is it the monitor that is broken or is it the PC that is broken?’ which is my new least favourite game. It involved unplugging filthy monitors and sticking them onto dusty PCs then trying to remember which thing went in which hole. What fun. It was, as I suspected, the monitor. And it shall suffer for this dusty-clothed sweaty geek that I became. The joy of the early early bus (6:32, fact fans) brought with it the joy of the early early bus stop folk. Joining the scowling woman, the little man who reads The Daily Express and the big woman who sits next to him and is either his lover or fag hag (I cannot decide but a gay Express reader? How silly!) today was a new member: Mister Sunglasses Balanced On Shaven Head Even Though There Is No Sun. Can somebody please explain this sunless-sun-related action to me? Or am I missing this week’s new unintelligable trend? Maybe it’s the new ‘wearing a horrible belt so loose that your bumhole would be seen by all and sundry if you weren’t wearing those massive pants.’ Or maybe I’m just a grumpy old man who would rather be in bed at such a time.

I surprised myself by really really loving Skins. After avoiding it on E4 due to the endless annoying adverts I gave it a chance on Channel 4 and am very very glad. It’s even better than its “from the makers of…” sibling, Shameless. Oh yes. It’s, for lack of a better description, the mirror universe version of Hollyoaks. It replaces shoddy gimmicky directing with longer scenes that allow the actors to actually act, it replaces sensationalism with proper storylines, and it replaces ‘speak n spell’ acting of one-dimensional characters with age-appropriate young actors you can believe in. Compare and contract the eating disorder plots in both shows and you’ll see what I mean. But then Hollyoaks is meant to be shit, innit? Skins is on Channel 4 on Tuesday nights and therefore on that fucking Channel 4+1 an hour later. Bloody adverts for that are doing my nut in! The DVD is coming soon…

From the trailers you might think it’s a load of trendy music, too many edits and endless food-fight parties but in fact it’s actually rather sweet. Book, cover, etc, etc.

More things for my Christmas list:

As a confirmed geek I am also rather excited about this…



…and not just because it’s a cunning competition to pick a cover.

Razor is on American telly on November 24th and American DVD on December 4th. Meanwhile, in the UK, I have no bloody idea.

Today’s Gay Word(s) is…

Fag Hag.

Back to work we went. It was about time really, as my computer-based lethargy was getting me down and leading to dangerous amounts of Facebooking. I might have ended up addicted to it / hating it like those trendy journalists from The Guardian (“Is this friendship? Or is it playing a game called Friendship, using someone else’s words, by someone else’s rules?”) and The Independent (“I became obsessed with how many friends I had. I accepted people’s “friendships” because it would add to my figure – not because I wanted them to be my friend”).
Or not. Instead I just took it as a little bit of fun, with the chance to say silly things to people I knew I would never have the time or inclination (mostly due to geographical factors and the number of friends I have quality time for already, which isn’t all that much actually) to meet up with in the flesh. Facebook is like a notebook to scribble your “hello”s and “how are you?”s in, and have conversations about the olden days (which are never as good as you remember), what you’re up to next weekend, and random silliness with funny people I see often but in a more serious environment. And for that I am thankful. I like to talk, as you may have noticed, and some of my favourite people who I don’t get to spend enough time with are on there.

Today I have been mostly listening to this. Yes, it’s KT Tunstall doing that Bloc Party song that everybody likes. And it’s rather good.

Peter Serafinowicz’s BBC show is coming soon. Still. But at least now we have that trailer. You can get tickets to go see a ‘screening’ in Notting Hill on Mondays in September and October but why would I want to go to Notting Hill on a Monday?

With thanks to Chris from Bandwagon Best for pointing it out, here’s another Rather Great DVD that is coming forth..

It’s out on 29th October.

Now that I am back in the community I keep seeing people picking up their dog’s poo. Does this always happen these days and I have just never noticed it until now? Well done to the canine parents for carrying their poopy bag and hurrah for that slightly ashamed expression some of the dogs make while squatting in broad daylight. If only we could train some of the puny humans to have similar embarrassment over their antisocial behaviour.

Joss Whedon‘s Astonishing X-Men run is slowly but surely approaching its conclusion. With only two more issues left to publish it could be anything up to a year until the end! Buy it in collected form so you can ignore the delays and just focus on its loveliness.

There’s still time to see Mark Wootton next Friday. But remember: “Be part of this amazing nights of comedy and see a true comic genius at work. Please note that due to the popularity of this programme we ask that you limit your request to the number of tickets you can use, to a maximum of 4 per person.”

Today’s Gay Word is …

Bum Chum.

It’s Monday. I received an email from that nice Ginger Bastard regarding my meme request:

Dear Dan, seeing as I’ll be away from Thursday and you wanted a MeMe, here it is. Enjoy. Hope it’s not too random.

So here it is:

At what age did you learn that condiments are a great companion to your food?
I always had a thing for mayonnaise on chips so I guess I’ve always known. But never tartare sauce on anything in any circumstances.

Have you ever worn your pants on your head?
No. Sorry to disappoint you.

What’s the best freebie you have ever got from a box of cereal?
An extra muesli bit. What is the noun of muesli anyway?

Ever considered botox? I’m just saying, that’s all.
Buttox? I think two are enough, thanks.

If you could shower standing on your head so that you got a good wash from the bottom, would you?
What a good idea. I bet somebody had invented a kind of shower rack contraption for that very reason. Must Google it later.

Which celebrity do you think is the best at washing their hands after they’ve pissed?
David Mitchell. He is very well-mannered and would dwell on the not washing piss hands scenario if he did not stick to the expected cleanliness regime.

Which celebrity do you think doesn’t wash their hands after they’ve pissed?
Kerry Katona. She doesn’t even wash her Egg McMuffin so I dread to think what her fingers smell like.

Which household cleaning company do you think should come out with a brand of deodorant?
I think I know what you want me to answer. Is it Cillit Bang? I would call it CB-Kapow! (for men) and it would smell of clean plugholes.

What’s the oldest electronic in your house/flat/abode?
I currently have Bernard Sumner living in my box room. Or, alternatively, my massive JVC stereo from the 1990s. It plays records, you know.

What would a transformer that transformers out of a Smart Car be called?
Smart@rse. Obviously.

What do you say to company when you’re going for a piss?
I usually just tell them the truth.

Are you concerned that there have been three urine related questions?
Definitely. I am very concerned for your mental health. You sound quite unwell.

Are you pedantic enough to say that there have now been four urine related questions?
Oh yes. You piss-loving loon.

What’s the best picture book you’ve ever read?
It has to be The Peacock On The Roof. See my recent holiday blog.

Would you divorce your dolphin?
Only if there were irreconcilable differences.

Absoulte tripe Dan, but you wanted it! Enjoy! : Clive.

It’s the second (and final) part of that trip…

We decided t go to Wales next as it had a castle and a Forbidden Planet. What more do you need? Plus we heard rumours that gay or at least bi-curious aliens hung around those parts and got on the telly, mostly because they were good at kissing girls/boys and getting seemingly rational people to act all weird, say rude words and kiss girls/boys that they shouldn’t kiss. But first we had to find our hotel…

It was a bit of a mess. Was it going to be like that time when Grace Brothers department store went to Spain in the hilarious film version of Are You Being Served? Of course not. I hadn’t brought my pussy along!

Once we got into the hotel (via a back passage as the front part was being extended) we were delighted to find a lift that went ‘beep’ when you pressed the buttons. So I just had to take a photograph. Then it was time to go to the genuine authentic Welsh pub full of Welsh people, where we eavesdropped on three old men who were a bit ‘eccentric’ but in a good way while eating some chilli and other foods that I forgot. And there were some very fat people who used the lift (in a bloody pub!) rather than the stairs. Although they could quite clearly actually walk. Maybe they were aliens.

My Lovely Husband and oh yes, Kopparberg cider. With Summer fruits, so it tasted a bit like sweets. Not as good as the pear one.

The next morning we went shopping and I bought a Doctor Who magazine (as you do) and Jamie got some new clothes. Then we went on our next quest: To find Burn Gorman from TV’s Torchwood and congratulate him on his astonishingly wide range as a thespian. We got in the car (not the Torchwoodmobile, that marvellously secretive vehicle they drive on the teevee with the Torchwood logo and the flashing red lights) and headed for Cardiff bay…

I found the secret headquarters. It was rather easy. Ha!

After looking around for Burn Gorman off the teevee I decided to try finding my way in to the secret headquarters where I was sure he would be kissing girls/boys or doing clever things like a proper doctor would do. But I couldn’t find the secret door!

Even the secret entrance inside the fountainy thing didn’t work. I got very wet and extremely disappointed! So I went inside the Millennium Centre and bought some postcards. But not a pencil as I didn’t need one.

On the way to Bath we stopped off at the Tollgate Tea Room. We had the Aunt Sally Special: a cup of tea and a slice of cake although it was actually a pot of tea.

I didn’t actually take a photograph of the cake. I am not a weirdo.

The hotel we were staying at was in the countryside and had almost exactly the same name as the bigger hotel next door. It looked very different though and confused us enough for us to go to the wrong one. Then we realised how silly we were and went back. We had a lie down before going out again to visit our friends and their children.

I have no idea how children keep running around for so long. We got tired just looking at them and by the time I started taking photographs our faces were all wrong.

For once I am not scaring children. Result! Maybe it’s because I bought them some rather good new books.

We had a lovely meal and I learnt some handy cookery tips. Then we read a truly rubbish kids book that was a little bit creepy in a wrong way (not from my shop though), talked about weddings (as we often do) and set the world to rights. Soon it was bedtime and we drove back to the hotel and had fun with the tiny impossible bathroom before going to bed and waking up with neck ache due to more odd pillow options. I think I should start a campaign for the right to choose pillows in hotels as the usual choice of either one flat squashy pillow or two flat squashy pillows excludes the option of one decent firm pillow. Bah! It’s political correctness gone mad. Or the nanny state. Or the health and safety police. Or the PC brigade. Or…

We were off on the open road again for the next part of our holiday. This time it was the turn of the South West. It didn’t even rain! First stop was Plymouth to see some gays who live in a recording studio and run a successful voiceovers business but we had to stop on the way for the usual reasons. Rather than a Little Chef (we have vowed never to set foot in one again) or some other motorway services thing we found a vilage (called Mere. Cool!) and went for a wander. The local shop was friendly and so were random old ladies in the street. Maybe this is what it’s like away from Chavtown? We found a chip shop and as we are like well sophisticated I had a big chips and Jamie had chips and a big battered sausage. But not in a gay way (yet). Then it was back on the road, armed with an iPod adaptor for the car stereo to stop me going potty.

Plymouth is the seaside so it has cannons. No idea why, but we like them.

It also has a lot of these signs everywhere. I thought tomb-stoning was similar to diving but I am obviously not reckless enough to know the difference.

More cannons. Then we had ice cream (yum) and eventually some dinner in a pub by the water. Evil seagulls were about so we decided it would be best to go indoors with the food. It was all going so well until the fancy bridge that opened and closed every few minutes decided to close down ‘for maintenance’ a bit earlier than scheduled, leaving us with no choice but to take a long walk back. We saw no maintenance being done. Could the bridge have been lying to us? Bah! Bed time was a bit uncomfortable as the bed was tiny and squashy and the pillows were all wrong. Double bah!

The next morning we drove to Cheddar on a quest for cheese. Just like Eccles was all about the cake, we assumed Cheddar would be the place where lovely mature cheese grows on trees.

Cheddar Gorge is actually reasonably gorgeous. Innit? But not made of cheese.

We paid an absolute fortune for a ticket that is valid for ten years (I am actually being serious) at any of the many attractions in Cheddar so we thought it only sensible to visit a cave. I had preconceived ideas about caves ever since I saw that episode of Father Ted so I was quite rightly a bit wary. My camera decided to have flat batteries while down there so I nicked a pic off the net.

After a break for tea and an enormous sandwich, followed by an even more enormous ice cream sundae, I got some new batteries for the camera and we decided to do Jacob’s Ladder. No, not the weird film with the disappointing ending but the steps.

At the top of the steps is some grass and on that grass is the watchtower. The fact that it shares a name with the magazine our neighbours dress up smartly and knock on doors to ‘sell’ (for free) is just a coincidence.

What hard work for two reasonably unfit old buggers. But we did it.

I needed a sit down and some more tea after that.

I’ve been away but now I’m back. It’s like everything’s changed….

Everything except Madonna. She had a new song leaked all over the internet and people said it was rubbish. I, as usual, couldn’t be bothered to find it and have an opinion of my own.

Everything except a new Veronica Mars rumour. With Kristin Bell confirmed as a appearing in Heroes it’s now time for a Veronica Movie Rumour.

Everything except those free tickets for The Mark Wootton Project which are still available online even though it’s being recorded about an hour after I last checked the BBC tickets site.

Everything except the Daily Express. Have a look at the last two week’s covers to catch up on my ‘news will eat itself’ theory about the tabloids:

How ghoulish and ridiculous can their obsession get? While an (invariably) dead child is a very horrible thing I don’t see how certain newspapers can justify the first half of the name that describes their purpose. In other news, Diana is still dead. It’s a conspiracy, I tell you!

Everything except new Doctor Who rumours and new publicity photos. It was never like this in the McCoy/Aldred era.

Everything except my neighbour who is doing his OCD gardening again. It’s every other day with the lawmower and every other day with the leaf blower. Plus any other garden tool related activities that I don’t happen to notice due to the LOUD FUCKING NOISE! If he really loves to do that sort of thing I think he should come round and sort out our manky old ‘greenery.’

Meanwhile…

The Southwest Holiday saga begins right here tomorrow. I have comics to read now.

Update! Look what just arrived in my inbox:

Hello there!

Apologies for the late notice but we have just been notified of a recording of a brand new sketch show featuring the man behind Shirley Ghostman, Marc Wootton, tonight at BBC TV Centre.

THE MARC WOOTTON PROJECT

Marc Wootton won the New Comedy Award for ‘My New Best Friend’ and is best known for his portrayal of Shirley Ghostman.

Now his comedy genius is showcased in a brand new comedy sketch show for BBC. In this series Marc plays 20 different characters. In a series of monologues and visual treats Marc takes us into the world of Una, a 50 year old East European tour guide, Rufus, the posh rapper, Doris, the 70 year old spinster enjoying a new life and many more of all ages and sexes.

The show will be recording tonight at BBC TV Centre. The minimum age for audience members is 16 years.

Booking is now open and you may apply by calling 020 8684 3333 or online via our website at http://www.sroaudiences.com or by replying to this email with the following details:

Full name:

Postcode:

Number of tickets required:

Apologies again for the short notice – if you can make the show we would love to hear from you – if not then we will hopefully see you at another show soon!

If you have received more than one copy of this email, please accept our apologies and drop us a line to let us know. We shall chase up the error to try to prevent this happening in the future.

Many thanks

Martin
SRO Audiences

Tel: 020 8684 3333
http://www.sroaudiences.com

They’re just taunting me now, aren’t they?

I’m off on holiday so I shall leave you with some geeky bits:

I think I might be looking forward to a certain Jokester now.

I finally watched that Reaper pilot episode. It’s directed by Kevin Smith and is about Sam who works in a dead end job in an unfeasibly large and quiet hardware store with his fat wisecracking friend and a sexy girl who he is probably in love with… but on his 21st birthday things go weird because Leland Palmer from Twin Peaks is the devil who has come to reclaim the debt that Sam’s parents owe for selling the soul of their firstborn. This debt involves capturing those pesky souls how have escaped hell and getting them back there. Sam is a bit like a less psychotic Beaver from Veroica Mars (also from the CW network) while his fat wisecracking friend is from the school of filmic cliche. The sexy lady has been in Heroes and the whole thing is alright but it’s a bit like a dumbed-down Dead Like Me in reverse. He doesn’t actually reap anyway! Still, it could have been a hell (geddit?) of a lot worse.

It’s been bought by E4, which is kind of appropriate, and there’s a cameo from a Dead Like Me person that you’ll catch if you’re a Super Geek like me.

Talking of Dead Like Me…

I was so out of the loop on this particular happy time moment, but there is no Rube (mandy Patinkin) and a different Daisy. In a ‘small world’ moment the new Daisy (Sarah Wynter) is played by the actress who played the old Daisy (Laura Harris)’s sister when they were both in 24. When 24 was good. Desmond from Lost (Henry Ian Cusick) also has a major role in this. It’s a straight-to-DVD thang, due Summer 2008.

It’s pointless annoying DVD re-release time again!
What do I say to the definitive collection?

Feck off, definitive collection.

Worst thing I’ve seen all day?

Ghastly. I’ll stick with Dead Like Me, thanks.

Back Friday with tales of Plymouth, Bath and Cardiff. Yes I shall be Hunting Burn Gorman…

It’s Monday. I need one of them fings. Hang on, what’s this?

“Today, I have stolen these questions from Empire Magazine… but not this month since I left it at work. Feel free to copy and paste them into your own notes. Or not” : Lance.

Hurrah!

1) What’s your idea of “heaven on Earth”?
Certainly not the Homosexualist nightclub near Charing Cross. It made me all giddy and smelt funny.

2) Were you a teenage rebel?
Oh yes, as Geek Chic wasn’t even invented in those days.

3) Who is the best James Bond?
I have no opinion on this at all but the current one is the only one who looks good in those tiny pants.

4) Who is the person you most despise?
Too many to name here. Lots of people that I don’t know in person, plus one that I might or might not be related to who has supplied more than his fair share of grief over the years with pretty much no conscience about any of it.

5) Have you ever had a supernatual experience?
Not that I am aware of. The angels that live on my shoulders deal with all that new age stuff for me so I don’t have to.

6) What do you want to have written on your tombstone?
A chad with ‘wot no pulse’ of course!

7) What was the last film you walked out of?
I have never walked out of anything but I did go to the toilet during The Matrix 2 when I could probably have waited until the end. What a shit film.

Do you do your own shopping?
No, I have the maid to do that for me.

9) How much is a pint of milk?
About this big.

10) Do you use public transport?
Of course I do. I am not a celebrity. Yet.

11) Have you ever stolen from a hotel?
Of course. Teabags, hot choclit sachets, little packs of biscuits, soap. Nothing big like a towel or a bed though.

12) How do you behave when you are drunk?
I go up a gear in every way. So more randomness, more seriousness, more shyness, more chatty… Odd, really.

13) What’s the worst film you’ve seen?
Is Spiceworld an obvious choice? It’s almost a ‘so bad it’s good’ one though.

14) How far is too far?
Freddie Mercury’s House Party.

15) Who was your favourite cartoon character as a kid?
All of them. Captain Caveman, Skeletor, Captain Pugwash, Firestar…

16) If your life depended on it, would you eat human flesh?
No. I am a hardcore veggie!

17) Can you swear in a foreign language?
Oh yes. But not very well.

18) Have you lied during this?
No.