Compare and contrast: Which one is the real newspaper from this weekend?

They both are. Allegedly. Meh. The world is a fucked-up place on many levels. But let’s not get too emo…

I finally sat through the pilot episode of Moonlight. The show is not Angel but it’s too similar in its aims to be anything but an inferior knock-off… which is a bad start. It’s Los Angeles like Angel, it’s detectivey vampire like Angel, it’s vampire in (I guess this bit will happen) unrequited thang with perky blonde like, oh you get the idea. It’s hard to get over the initial reluctance to love the show and the CBS-ness makes it cheesy and even more unessential. The lead vampire is called Mick and is a bit vague in his abilities (he can run really fast which is sometimes shot like he’s on a trolley, hear better than usual people but can also “hear the past” with crappy flashbacky bits and smell things, can recover from a stabbing rather quickly, etc) and I can’t believe Alex O’Loughlin left The Shield for this role! Every new show needs a British leading lady playing an American and Moonlight has Sophia Myles aka Doctor Who’s The Girl In The Fireplace as an investigative reporter who is taking the ‘human lady who crosses paths with vamp’ role previously seen on screen as Kate Lockley from the early days of Angel.

There’s a lame plot twist involving a flashback cliche which is somewhat similar in concept to her other recent role in a certain cult UK show but in no way as good. She has a colleague played by that short dude who was the computer geek in Alias as the ‘token Alias star in new season show’ person and Jason Dohring as a 400 year old slighly more immoral Logan Echolls from Veronica Mars vampire best friend. Meh. The investigation plot is a corny emo/vampire thing involving a college lecturer who thinks he is a vampire and has a thing for his young female students (zzz…) which is minus the quirkiness you would have got if it had been The Other Better Vampire Detective Show and it didn’t grab me at all. So I’m not going to watch further episodes and the show will probably last a few weeks on air. Not because I have that much power of course, it’s just not very good. Plus it has those ‘whooshy’ bits inbetween scenes just like Angel did. I never liked those.

Oh it’s so romantic. But he’s dead! Get a grip, people! How does he get a stiffy? it’ll never work!

So we went to Essex this morning and drank a whole lotta tea. Got given a whole lotta Belgian food. Ate a whole lotta English food. Did a whole lotta shopping where I was disturbed by a leaflet about entering the Tesco Mother Of The Year as most of the women in that particular shop had aggressive hair and wide load rears. But they must have been entered by somebody as they mostly had unruly children with them who were misbehaving due to a diet of additives and a pattern of being screamed and sworn at by their lovely parents. I ain’t entering no Tesco lady, even if there is a cash prize! Sat in a whole lotta traffic. Got home at 7 after popping to The Husband’s office on his day off and going slow on the roads and got nudged by a white van but not in a sexy way. Not in a damage to the car way neither, which was nice, although another knock would just give it more character, to be honest. Bah. So that’s Saturday pretty much gone already.

I have no picture (yet) to illustrate Day 58 of the McCanns On The Express Front Page Bonanza but they woz there, I tell ya. Today it was something like ‘Madeleine taken by people traffickers’ but without the quotation marks so it read as fact. So that’s 58 days in a row of using random ideas that a person thought or random words that a person said and making that one of the most important things in the world. There may have been a Diana on there too but there were definitely ‘free dance lessons for every reader’ which is nice if you are disabled or have guilty feet that ain’t got no rhythm *cough*McCanns*cough*… It’s gonna take a nuclear war to move the young blonde and the old blonde off the front page… not that I am suggesting we have one just to test the theory.

Is it Starlight Express for chavs who are in fact rather posh? No. It’s some Mouthwash, innit?

How about that Moonlight ? Hmmm, I thought… It’s a new show about a good vampire who lives in Los Angeles and is a private detective. Sounds completely new and original to me! I should give it a go, shouldn’t I? So I did and found the cast somewhat familiar…

… and I’ll save that for tomorrow or I’ll have no blog then.

Thank choclit it’s Friday! Highlights of today included trying to function on hardly enough sleep for a man half my age (damn that pub quiz! but I got the numbers-y question that Countdown Boy Husband could not get) and the caffeine making me go all funny like them famouses do when they get a sniffy nose. I’m starting a Just Say No campaign for mochas. Probably. Then I hit myself in the face with an elastic band in front of the general public (I am not one of those massochists, I was un-banding a load of small parcels that the butch post lady delievered) and forgot that shouting swear words out loud was not very friendly. But nobody complained. They must know what it’s like.

Express delivery!

Oh. It’s that story again. On the front page again. They still haven’t had any real developments again. Again. But they do have a triple whammy of Maddie, Diana and Immigrants! Just like the old days. Awww…

I watched The Bionic Woman episode 1. It’s almost The Bionic Woman pilot that I mentioned a while back but Plain Anne from Arrested Development is no longer The Deaf Sister. Another girl is The No Longer Deaf Sister who is way more stoppy and has a restraining order preventing her from using the interweb. Yes, really. Bionic Woman is still from Eastenders, she still has the boyfriend who is a secret bionics boffin and she still has Bionic Starbuck Katee Sackhoff as her nemesis. And she still leaps across buildings to that Sia song that everyone likes to have on their soundtracks. It also still has cameos from Chief Tyrol and That Lawyer from BSG. Still not bad, still gonna watch it. Still.

Is it wrong of me to love that Sugababes song? I am unsure. But those girls sure do love touching walls, don’t they?

Tomorrow is triple Essex visits day, with additional supermarket, DIY store and travel sickness. What joy!

Is it also wrong of me to be listening to that new Gabrielle album right now and enjoying it very much. It’s very much a Gabrielle album in that it sounds retro and you can sing along to the songs (in your mind of course) on the first listen. I love my soul, which is kind of a secret.

Apologies for the long outage but our old provider (FreeVirtualServers) are in fact a bunch of twats who can’t organise a whatsit in a thingummy.

We have moved our hosting to UK2 and I am much happier for it!

In ‘news’ today, the random blonde child spotted in a foreign country where there are not that many blondes turned out not to be the missing blonde child. It was another child of a similar age and build. Well I never. Damn you, ‘news’paper, getting our hopes up like that but handily finding yet another new ‘angle’ on a story that has had no developments since it began when we were all so much younger. Still, The Express really is on autopilot today what with the return of Saint Diana and Cancer! Foods! but they are drinks for a bit of variety. Wot no immigrants? Boo!

In other news…

Whatever next? Bus stop posters of Adric getting his ass whipped? Ace drinking from the furry cup? If this is what happens after travelling with The Doctor then I fear for Martha Jones, I really do. At lest she has her (unfinished) doctorate to keep her in acceptable employment.

Heroes S2E1 was rather good but I don’t want to spoil it. Really I don’t. But I think I can make special mentions of Ando’s new bigger (and better) hair, the triumphant return of Mr Muggles (to the dinner table, no less), the continuing adventures in paper and photocopying retail hell, and the ‘whoops’ death of a reasonably important character. And of course a certain ‘interesting’ warrior from the olden days:

I have had a headache all day, my web domain has gone wrong and the TV on my computer won’t work so I shall make this brief…

Once again the ‘news’ paper has some ‘exclusive’ excellent new ‘content’ by once again using those beloved quotation marks to make anything a ’story.’ Or ‘whatever’…

Meh. Will it ever end?

That man with the very neat beard who runs Iran told some American students something very interesting: “In Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country… In Iran we don’t have this phenomenon, I don’t know who you told this.”
I think that silly man must be blind.

Or maybe he means they are all bisexual. It’s a mixed-up world, isn’t it?

Some people didn’t like Flight Of The Conchords last night. So I offer them this:

Does that help?

Day 500 (54 covers in a row actually) of The Daily McCann and today they are ‘baddies.’ Well they used the ‘inverted commas’ which create ‘headlines’ with such ease but I think this means they are baddies today. Nothing about Gordon Brown’s first party conference as leader though and no mention of the several hundred Chinese children that went missing today (and every other day) in China. Oh well, one lost cute blond child is far more important, right?

The Daily Mail found an interesting way of combining two of their obsessions today:

You gotta laugh at that, it’s oozing with Mail-ness. I wonder if the Maddie-snatching Muslim was also a gay?

Monday started well, with rain pissing down and me waking up too early. By the time I had to leave for work it was still very cats ‘n’ dogs so I decided to get the marvellously overpriced random bus to work as the stop is a lot closer than the tube station. Bad idea. My bus was either 65 minutes late or 10 minutes early, depending on whether you decide to trust the timetable or not. I did not. My stupid pride meant I stood there for approximately 80 minutes until my legs both had cramp and I had to keep wriggling on the spot like an epileptic human statue with an angry face. At least I had some fine comedy to listen to (of which the TV version starts TONIGHT on BBC Four!!!!) but still, bah humbug. Luckily for me, the rest of the day wasn’t quite so shit and I therefore did not have to maim anybody. I did go to The Nut Hut for a fix (of the lovely chocolatey yougurty nuts) where I almost wanted to talk to Sullen Nut Hut Girl but she didn’t look in the mood. I could sense her overwhelming desire to smooth out the nuts I had been sticking my scoop in, how dare I mess up her display?

When we got home I remembered that I had a certain Doctor Who spin-off to watch. Cue the farting sinister fat people and a blatant re-casting of a certain unpopular female character who is now a male character with the same personality (except for the interest in muffins). I love Sarah Jane and not just because I want her to be my mum too. I also still have a bit of a man crush on the Dad character. Is there such a word as Dilf? Oh dear…I liked the episode but then I knew I would. Even Slitheen Junior amused me. That gives me an idea for a rubbish young pop group with a tie-in TV show. Hmmm…

Tonight we have a man coming round. He’s going to do some banging for us at some point if we like what he has to offer…

Meanwhile, on the news:

Lis!!!!

Pic of the day? Easy!

It’s very now. Innit?

I think the universe is trying to tell me to change my name. After being ‘Mrs Stallwood’ at the hotel the other week I appear to be ‘Mr Dan Stallwood’ today. That’s according to BUPA, who got my correctly-filled-out form a few weeks ago. Unless my subconscious is trying to tell me something I don’t know. Still, at least I am a man this time.

Another week of world events, another week of The Daily Express ignoring all of that sort of thing:

Wot no Burma?
So they’re guilty (says someone) then they’re innocent (says someone else) and then… but it is still not news! I suggest the Careless Whisper method of proving guilt.* Dance, McCanns, dance!
I don’t understand how any sane person could buy this paper anymore. It’s become Private Eye, surely?

Fact! Around 190 Children go missing everyday… in China! But they don’t get the blanket media coverage that one blond cute British girl gets. I wonder why?

*In case you don’t geddit, guilty feet ain’t got no rhythm.

Those memes that I acquire via MySpace (usually off Cheryl) are really rubbish. So I did one and tried to un-rubbish it. I think I failed though.

1. Does someone love you?
Yes. Are you not paying attention?

2. Do you know anyone named Dave?
That UKG2 channel is soon to be called Dave.

3. Ever kissed anyone with the name starting with a J?
Hmmm…. let me think…

4. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member?
I don’t tend to mingle with the crazy people so not as far as I can remember.

5. Have you ever tried Propel Calcium Water?
Propelling calcium in water? Why would I do that? Calcium is in milk, not water!

6. What colour are the walls of your parent’s bedroom?
I have no idea. Probably some kind of magnolia, how exciting.

7. Do you think that hair extensions look skanky?
Isn’t that a bit like asking does poo smell?

8. Are you named after a grandparent?
My secret middle name is.

10. Say you were given a drug test right now. Would you pass or fail?
I would probably get a B- but only if it was multiple choice. I’d do well in the antihistamine round though.

11. Are you taller than 5′6“?
Yes. I am not a fucking midget… midget… midget… …

12. Do you know anyone in jail/prison?
Not at the moment as far as I am aware but knowing him he could well be.

13. Ever see a dead body?
I’ve met Dale Winton, he looked quite embalm-y so does that count?

14. Do you like the colour green?
It serves a purpose so yeah.

15. What is your best friend’s Dad’s name?
I don’t have a best friend as I am not twelve.

16. How old are you?
Not twelve.

17. Who was the last person to send you a text message?
My friend Zoe sending me a photo of her tattoo. The bloody rebel!

18. Ever drove into the ghetto to buy drugs?
Noooo… I get mine in Boots as I have one of those cards that give me points.

19. Last restaurant you went to?
Probably somewhere in Wales.

20. What is the weather like today?
Mediocre.

21. Last voicemail you received?
A blank one as it was a wrong number. My life’s such a gas.

22. What did you do yesterday?
Cakes and biscuits and cuddles and tea.

23. What’s the first thing you would do with five million dollars?
Invest it wisely.

24. What nationalities are you?
Oh who cares?

25. How many hours did you sleep for last night?
An average-ish 6.

26. Any upcoming concerts you want to attend?
No. I hate people.

27. Who’s the last person that you felt was stalking you?
Some internet people on the internet. Bloody internets.

28. Have you ever been on your school’s track team?
I don’t know what that means.

29. What jewellery are you wearing?
Wedding ring. No bling. And ting.

31. If all of your friends were going on a road trip, would you?
Depends on where the road went to.

32. How much money do you have?
Enough to be comfortably well-off.

33. Do you swear at your parents?
When they deserve it, yes.

34. Is your phone right beside you?
No. It’s in front of me and a bit to the left. Does this really matter?

35. Have you cried today?
Aha! The obligatory crying question. No.

36. Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
Someone somewhere probably is as there are a lot of people with a lot of thoughts in the world.

37. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?
Well if I didn’t they would still be on my feet, wouldn’t they?

38. What is the colour of your bedsheets?
Dirty.

39. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Yes, when I was that man from The X-Files who squeezed through narrow spaces and ate people’s livers. Oh no, wait, that was someone else.

40. Are you photogenic?
Mostly not although with the right lighting and photoshopping I can sometimes be acceptable.

41. What your star sign?
The Danish Pastry.

42. Where do you spend most of your money?
The Nut Hut. No, really.

43. What was the last thing you did?
Got very tired of writing this bollocksy meme.

44. Do you have a tattoo?
No.

45. Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?
Are they still on these days? I thought Saturday mornings were all about cookery and sport?

46. Is there a secret you’ve never told any of your friends?
Of course, there must be something. But not in a big secretive kind of way.

47. Have you ever told someone you loved them but didn’t mean it?
Why would I do that? I am not evil.

48. Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
Huh?

49. What are you doing in 2008?
Sleeping.

50. What is your ringtone?
A vibrating buzz.

51. What were you doing at 2am last night?
Aching.

52. Are your parents married/divorced/separated?
Married. Such famerlee values.

53. What are you doing tonight?
More of the same.

54. What are you doing tomorrow?
Rerarranging books and writing sarcastic comments on spreadsheets.

56. Who did you last message on Myspace?
Some ropey old slapper to inform them that I did not want to be their ‘friend’ as I did not know them, they did not know me, and they were probably a robot anyway.

57. What’s your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?
Never done it so I have no opinion. I mean, I have done the sex but not without the emotions. Delete! Delete!

59. Does it annoy you when someone says they’ll call but never do?
Not since I had the Puny Humans Enlightenment.

60. What did you dress up as for your first Halloween?
Myself. Such a vivid imagination!

61. Favourite Disney movie?
None of them, I am 34.

62. What is the wallpaper on your cellphone?
A blank screen. Yes, really. I have no interest in these things.

Another thrilling Sunday.

Cooked some food.
Washed and ironed the sofa covers.
Watched another episode of Damages and shouted at the characters.
Filed a pile of CDs.
Watched some more DVDs.
Read some more comics.
Had a cup of tea. Then another cup of tea. Then…

Anyway,

I thought that press pack shot looked a tad familiar. It’s on tomorrow when normal folks will be at work (5pm BBC1) so set those recorders (video or digital, I don’t mind), people.

That book is out soon and is reasonably amusing. What book? This book:

It’s a bit of a quick read, like the previous one, but a good Christmas table in a book shop kind of product. So that is where it will be, in a big pile. In other Mister Harry news, I now know what the ‘other pilot’ he was talking about the other night is going to be, thanks to an interview with The Daily Telegraph. Click to read or ignore it if you are a humour void.

I have a right crap meme for tomorrow. MySpace memes are written by rooms full of emo chimps with laptops. It’s a fact. Innit.

No Express McCann Cover Fandango today as the rubbish Express website still has yesterday’s cover up. I bet its pretty much the same today but with a bit of ‘Immigrants!’ and a free union jack iPod cover or some other bag of shite. How fucking tedious.

It’s still the most important thing in the world…


Is the answer:
A) Home Alone 4, with hijinks and canned laughter?
B) A time travelling jaunt?
C) Nobody really knows but they have a newspaper to write?

Meh. What about elephants? What about us?

I am tired and lazy and I have lots of lovely food to eat. So here’s today’s Comic Du Jour:

Those target=”_blank”>Flash kids are getting a bit feisty, aren’t they?