The last bit …

The Express had many serious science stories in October:

and someone called Madonna got divorced. Like we care:

Mmm… gristley!

Oasis returned with the same songs but worse hair … we saw the pilot of Shush being made at TV Centre and gained some new catchphrases … then wondered if/when it was ever going to be on the telly.

In November I sold my garden to gypsies, lost 8 lb in 7 days with an amazing fresh juice diet and won a car:

Also in November we saw That Mitchell & Webb Look 3 being made and liked it … I became obsessed with people not washing their hands after going to the toilet as they were everywhere … Westfield opened and it was full of shops … I had several publisher sales conferences and liked it … and I discovered a new very light entertainment obsession a bit later than most:

Well at least Dale didn’t whip his tangeriney weenie out on the radio like John Barrowman, which led to the Mail attempting to make it into Sachsgate 2 and pretty much failing:



Scum!

Tlaking of scum, The Pope was unsurprisingly a c*nt in December when he compared gays to the destruction of the rainforest or something. His imaginary friend told him to do it, apparently:

I love the Express.

Not only had I sold my garden to gypsies, but now I had to pay a tax on my treehouse (which was of course in the front garden). Meanwhile, Cliff went on and on about how he would not be telling anyone that he was a little bit poofy. And again.

We went to a posh country hotel and stared at a professional Rod Stewart lookielikey a few times before being ‘entertained’ by a peculiar club band … Someone won The X-Factor on the telly and they all cried and hugged and wept and sang horribly overwraught karaoke and everyone loved it and then I woke up…

Happy 2008.

Blah blah blah …

In July my favourite comic ever started getting the giant chunky hardback treatment …

We went to France where it was hot and I slept a lot due to being pale and bald and feeble…

I went to a real cinema (that Batman film) where I told off an autistic child for repeatedly kicking the back of my chair (who should have been sat behind one of the numerous empty chairs) and then was driven mad by a man with a toddler on his lap playing with a noisy flashy lights toy so vowed never to go there again … I had two excellent bookshop leaving parties (one of which included my face ‘printed’ on a cake) …
… and got a new workplace.

August was the month that I started my new job in the world of grown-ups and widescreen monitors …

Maddie was seen bloody everywhere that month:



but it turned out to be, surprisingly, a load of balls.

Talking of balls, Adric returned, played by future unwitting star of Sachsgate Andrew Sachs! …

We spent the night in a ‘haunted’ posh hotel that once belonged to Danny La Rue …

Dr Horrible changed the world! Well maybe I am exaggerating slightly but it was an interesting new media delivery format or something or nothing.

Warren Ellis ‘did’ the X-Men…

… in his usual style, which was nice.

The receptionist at work thought Jamie was my brother for reasons probably involving madness. She did an odd face when I informed her of her error … The bookshop (that I had recently left) was sold … I was rather ill for ages and decided to try soya milk. It did not help …

September’s highlights included getting new shelves:

Which says a lot about the excitement levels in my life, doesn’t it?
We went to Southend (home of The Art Skool Year) and it was all different … I passed all five of the blood tests I had but won no prize … We visited a nice tea shop in Bath (tea and cake) after some afternoon delight in a country hotel.

There were so many Express covers to choose from:

The soaring mince was too good to resist, but Diana gave it a funny look.

More exciting was my stealth-stalking Patrick Wolf in Fopp. He looked shy and is slightly scary so I resisted saying hello.

I went to my first book launch for the new job … saw my first blood-stained road … I visited the newly-rebranded bookshop and it was rather nice…

I liked my job but learned a fact from the Express:

Hmmm… what a conundrum.

What a glamorous life.

Well the Facebook readers seemed to like it so here’s some more. If you’re reading this on Blogger and looking for Sheridan Smith’s tits you’re out of luck… and I have trapped myself in a Google Analytics loop again, oh noes!

In April That Buffy Summers Comic was going strong and also a tad lesbionic. Well you gotta try it to see if you like it. Or is that different types of cheese?

Unlike a Bitch Mother From Hell who should really have had her kids adopted by flamboyant theatre gays against her will for the vile turds that came out of her mouth in the form of an article in The World’s Greatest Newspaper:

Since ‘they’ banned mums and dads in February, according to Littlejohn, I don’t know how she still had her kids anyway.

Those tedious elederly spinster sisters (mental note for future glam rock duo with an addiction to armchairs) with a massive property portfolio were still moaning about inheritance tax and had obviously read the Buffy comic as they wanted to ‘become’ lesbians and ‘marry’ each other. Really. Look!

Siralan’s face said it all:

Maybe he had been watching his own show and was wondering where the hell they found those business ‘experts’ who were competing to be his not-really-an-apprentice at his business in Brentwood, Essex / Docklands / Ealing / A TV studio / etc. It was all so confusing.

Other April moments included meeting club-footed-rapey-face man in a BBC queue, and being a bit ill again. Marvellous!

May was Ailments Month and unlike a regular man I went to the doctor a few times. Hurrah for being diagnosed asthmatic and having a funny blue puffy thing. If only I had it in my school days like those kids who got out of doing PE by not ever actually wheezing at all ever and actually just being mostly fat.

I also had what I thought was a migraine. Mental note to self: Get fat next.

May highlights included the chavs opposite our house (who live in a council block, oh the shame. What about property prices?) had a fight and I was woken by shouty swearing (very limited vocabulary and inebriated at 7 am) and brick-chucking. Later on I talked to a nice police lady like a concerned neighbour but I hadn’t put my glasses on so my “blurry shouty common person” description did not help much … We went to The Drill Hall (yay!) to see James Bachmans’ sitcom pliot, got on the guest list, sat in the ‘good seats’ next to Frank Skinner, laughed loads and chatted to a baffled Nicholas Parsons. The show was very funny and fun but didn’t get picked up. Bah… The Pub Quiz ended (for a while) as the pub regenerated. It was reborn a bit posher but the soul (and smut) was sorely lacking …

May’s Mad Question of the Month, from Mad Mel:

Gosh, now that I think about it…. she’s correct! Damn you hoodie feminists!

June was the month that the tatty tabloids ran out of ideas as the weather was normal, Madeleine was not ‘spotted’ and Diana was still dead from not wearing a seatbelt. So onward with the mad lies as headlines:

So I lost my job, as did all of my white male friends. Damn you, ethnics and wimmin!

Wimmin achieved the impossible (what, ever more than the Express headline?) by gaining a whole new level of impossible equality in the Mail:

This blog was brought to you by an “ethnic” woman who is more equal than you.

Later on in June Doctor Who made me cry (a little bit) … I got offered a new job away from the general public and jumped at the chance (no actual jumping involved) …

Is it tedious and arrogant to waffle on about my stuff a bit more? At least I am not Liz Jones from the Mail who reviewed the year by listing all the things she hated about it… which was a shorter list than I imagined. Anyway…

January’s highlights included the end run of the Christmas Lurgey. We marvelled at the underwhelming renovated BBC Radio Theatre’s doctor’s waiting room style bar but the squeezy beer was good.

The bookshop Christmas Dinner was once again postponed until the nu-year as everyone was insane from dealing with stupid puny humans at the end of December who would always forget that it was Christmas and wonder why the things they really wanted were out of stock at the very last minute. Still, it was a nice meal and my funny pizza-ish thing was happy to help.

News? Hmm…

The Express was at its peak, truly living up to its self-professed World’s Greatest Newspaper status. Whether it was making up stories about Madeleine McCann without thinking of the consequences, the weather, Princes Diana or just the usual hilarious racism there was always something to read… if you were mad.

Whore!

No you have not.

That Maddie ‘sighting’ was in February, which was the month that a microcelebrity went mad on Facebook and fancied being my friend because I liked Doctor Who. Yes, really.

I wrote my first article for the marvellous Talk About The Passion website. It’s the geek venue of choice, you know. Other highlights included a bookshop customer that wanted to buy The Heroin diaries confusing Nikki Sixx with Stevie Nicks, in a shouty mad ‘on heroin for real’ kind of way. I bet she (Stevie) nicked it.

February’s question of the month:

Mums and Dads were banned. I miss my mum and dad.

Littlejohn loves it shoved down his throat. Phwooar, etc…

Bookface took over the world for 40 minutes and I had my first birthday party since being a child (actually quite a long time ago).

Oh no, it was all lies and they got into trouble for making up shit. What fantasists.

What irony?

A trip to Selfridges in March with the internet’s Christopher Bate and his lady led to the discovery of some amphibian chavs for sale.

March’s Question of the month:

Of course they do!

My birthday presents got a bit frisky. Oh dear, I am 35 years old and should know better…

More end of year lists, and why not?

Doctor Who
Catherine Tate really did not ruin the show at all. Opposite of ruined.

Battlestar Galactica
Still miserable as sin most of the time but gripping none the less.

Lost
Back on track after a dodgy season. Heroes please take note.

The Inbetweeners
Sitcom of the year. Thank you Ben Baker, for showing me that the trailers were a bit misleading.

Harry Hill’s TV Burp
Always fun.

Dr Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog
Inevitably high-scoring nerdfest.

Tarvu
It’s so easy to join!

That Mitchell & Webb Look
Series 2 was shown on TV and series 3 was made at the BBC. Still lots to laugh at.

The Dark Knight
The only time I went to the cinema in 2008. Great comic film with bad audience.

Underbelly
Violent Australian gangster series on cable. I am not a stereotype

Hole In The Wall
Bring on the wall! Honorary 11th place in my top 10 because it is just uncomplicated fun.

All Star Superman by Grant Morrison & Frank Quitely (DC Comics)
A great Superman comic? Really? Yes, and there have been others recently. How odd.

The Writer’s Tale by Russell T Davies and Benjamin Cook (BBC books)
Bloody big book took a lot of my evenings away when it came out. Essential geek writer tome.

Soon I Will Be Invincible by Austin Grossman (Penguin books )
My holiday book that kept me amused. Corny as hell but loved it.

Manhunter by Marc Andreyko and Michael Gaydos (DC comics)
Superheroish favourite character of mine. Poor old Kate Spencer, cancelled yet again

Fables by Bill Willingham and Mark Buckingham (Vertigo/DC comics)
A secret fairytale character society living in America? So much better than you might think.

Ex Machina by Brian K Vaughan and Tony Harris (Wildstorm/DC comics)
Political saga with a mayor who can talk to machines written by that guy? Excellent.

Talk About The Passion (interwebz)
What more does the enquiring mind need to read? My weekday lunch break highlight but I am biased.

Buffy Season 8 by Joss Whedon & Georges Jeanty and others (Dark Horse comics)
How to do a successful TV spin-off comic. Angel, take note.

Mailwatch (interwebz)
It’s PC Brigade gone mad in a handcart or something. Ban this sick filth!

Freddie & Me by Mike Dawson (Jonathan Cape books)
A surprising lovely cartoony biography set to the music of Queen. Yes, really.

Merry Humbug!



Well that all went rather well for once. Phew!

Favourite quote:
The words John Barrowman are used to describe the subject matter of this calendar. They do not indicate trade origin not any connection with John Barrowman and do not infringe any existing trade marks. Neither John Barrowman nor his representatives participated in the production, distribution or sale of this calendar.

Shocking news today as The Pope says something like the gays doing gay things as as dangerous to the world as the destruction of the rain forests. Or something. I lost interest as it was balls…

Never mind the gays, some straight people should never be allowed to do the naked fandango just in case they hit the target and create a puny human.

I wonder why Bluenote has “never jelled with homosexuals of either sex”? Unless jelling is some kind of new sexual manoeuvre. Where’s Ken Ford from The Joy of Sex book when you need him? Maybe it was his predeliction for the word “aberration” that prevented the jelling? Trying to resist Abba verb reference here…

Humanity needs a culling and I know just were to begin…

I would say hello pop pickers but that’s the wrong scary old deejay phrase. Anyway… on with the last bit of my favourite songs of the year.

10 Solange: T.O.N.Y
Annoying be-wigged hip-seivelling show-off Beyonce’s sister? With an even more Scrabble-y name? Why would I like this… oh. Damnit! Mental ‘whoops!’ song, what’s not to like?

9 Alphabeat: What Is Happening?

Danish wonky pop overload? How can it fail? and just what IS happening?

8 Sarah Cracknell & Mark Brown: The Journey Continues
Not a lot of Saint Etienne this year but this kept me going nicely. Special acoustic version, just to be different…

7 Goldfrapp: A&E
One of those heartbreaky songs that seem to feature a lot in my lists, from the luvverlee album.

6 Sam Sparro: Black & Gold
It was the year of great pop making a return, and so much better than those ‘talent’ show dullard acts. Sam’s strong debut single led to a decent album but the stylist should be sacked!

5 Nu Frequency featuring Shara Nelson: Go That Deep
More heartbreak, and a song that got pretty much no attention. Shara Nelson does her upset voice, makes everyone cry, wanders about in the video, nobody notices. Bah!

4 Girls Aloud: The Promise
I bought my first Girls Aloud album this year, because it was really very good. This song is a bit mad with multiple choruses and odd bits. Just how I like it.

3 Hello Saferide: Anna
This could have been number one… excellent Swedes with a great track record of good records. Yes they are still called records.

2 Keane: Spiralling
Keane? Really? Oh yes. They made an album to match their sense of fun, and it was bloody fantastic. I can even forgive the Bowie noise theft.

1 Sia: A Day Too Soon
Sia kept on keeping on with more great stuff. Some people think she is a bit Marmite-y but not me. And I love Marmite. This is a happy crying song so it wins!

Who will win next year? Saint Etienne? Frankmusik? Tracy Thorn? Hmm…

And there’s more… in the style of Mark Goodier…

20 Alanis Morisette: It’s A Bitch To Grow Up
Not actually on the regular album or even the 2 disc deluxe edition that I bought, how dumb! Off the iTunes version and given to me by a friend. Thanks.

19 B-52s: Deviant Ingredient
No video but never mind, I am sure you can imagine the freakiness. A great return from the B-52s.

18 The Feeling: Without You
Whoops, their second album was a bit average, but there were some good songs on there. I seem to have not played it for ages.

17 Hercules & Love Affair: Blind
This was bloody ages ago but it’s 2008, it’s big gay disco and it’s rather good.

16 Lykke Li: I’m Good I’m Gone
Hurrah for Lykke Li getting somewhere, a bit, in the real world. This is the odd little live version as it’s the first version I loved.

15 Ani Difranco: Smiling Underneath
Ani kept on making those great albums and I kept on buying them.

14 Bryn Christopher: Smilin’
Another smiley song? Bloody Bryn Christopher turns up in all my lists, I love his album.

13 Uh Huh Her: Explode
2008 was the year of Ladies With Synths, allegedly. Great and not just because I love Leisha Hailey (from The L Word).

12 MGMT: Electric Feel
Ah, MGMT. With their text messagey name and half a fantastic album.

11 Kleerup & Neneh Cherry: Forever
Kleerup made a disappointing album as he seemed to just have one tune programmed into his Casio. But this has Ms Cherry on it. Also worked with Neneh’s sister Titiyo (not bad) and Miss Cyndi Lauper (sound like his other songs).

Next: Top 10 (of course)

In the style of Sir Bruno Brookes, here’s the next chunk of my chart…

30 Stars: 14 Forever
Another year where Stars don’t become famous. Bugger.

29 Ladyhawke: My Delirium
So many Ladies this year. I prefered Hawke to Gaga but Gaga got more column inches. Ah well, this album was rather good in a slightly too selfconsciously retro cool way.

28 Grace Jones: William’s Blood
Out of her suspended animation and looking like she’s not aged a day, still mad but entertaining, Grace was back in your face. Madonna should be jealous.

27 Duke Special : Sweet Sweet Kisses
I almost missed the second Duke Special album but then I found it and liked it. Not quite as good as the last one but this song is fun.

26 Guillemots: Get Over It
I missed out on liking Guillemots first time round but ‘got it’ this time.

25 Joan As Policewoman: Magpies (but here’s the video for To Be Loved)
Album number two (lots of those this year) for the beautiful songs lady. Less guest stars this time round as she doesn’t really need them. Still not a real policewoman.

24 The Pipettes: A Shoe That FitsThey split and re-grouped and split a bit again but this song got played to death on my iPod. Winner of a remix competition, which is either lazy or a brilliant idea.

23 Aimee Mann: Thirty One Today
Back on form with a great album, not a real man, excellent song.

22 The Killers: Human
Synth pop with stupid lyrics. I am never (a) dancer, even to this tune.

21 Antony & The Johnsons: Another World
Obligatory ‘makes you cry’ song. Lovely.