Another week, another classic (as in old) Doctor Who DVD release to watch. I might make the effort to waffle on a bit about them every time a new one arrives but the next one is The Twin Dilemma so that’s assured. Hmm… anyway, the new one is the mega pack containing Mawdryn Undead, Terminus and Enlightenment which has been conveniently named The Black Guardian Trilogy for the sake of creating a name of some sorts, even though the peculiarly-hatted (or is it a wig? I never did know) old geezer doesn’t go much more than pop up either in minds, on the Tardis scanner screen or next to a scaredy-cat Turlough every now in an ‘is it for real or is it just another dream’ way to boom “kill the Dok-Torrrr, boy!”

In case you wonder what the hell this is all about I shall try to explain it:

The Doctor’s old pal The Brigadier is now teaching at a boys’ school in 1983 because his part in this story was originally written as original Doctor Who companion and schoolteacher Ian Chesterton and one of the pupils is a weird looking 20-something called Turlough who looks a bit odd because A) he is an alien because the producer said so, B) the producer also said he had to have his hair dyed orange and his eyebrows back-combed because it is “alien” and C) is blatantly too old to be at school. Anyway, Turlough nicks the Brigadier’s car, crashes it and meets / imagines/ something else this rather powerful old Doctor Who enemy called The Black Guardian who has a score to settle with the Doctor and wants him dead, as you do.

Oh, don’t ask. Please don’t ask.

Kiiiiil hiiiiim, boy!!!!!

So the Black Guardian gives Turlough a fancy little salt pot to communicate with him and keeps shouting “kill the Dok-Torrr!” at him, which Turlough keeps mucking up because A) he is a bit rubbish at being evil and B) if they kill the Doctor the show will be over. This then confuses the viewers who all wonder why The Black Guardian doesn’t just kill the Doctor himself instead of employing an ineffectual cowardly alien schoolboy to do it for him. While this is happening there are other plots going on in 1977 (with Silver Jubilee shit everywhere for subtlety) featuring a slightly younger Brigadier who has a moustache and this dodgy alien bloke who is all scabby and tricks the companions Nyssa (dim for a genius) and Tegan (Aussie/posh English gobshite) into believing he is actually a post-ballsed-up-regeneration Doctor but the audience all know he is fibbing. Eventually there’s a load of timey-wimey nonsense and the hardcore fans get their knickers in a twist about things being in the wrong years compared to the episodes made in the early 1970s when the Doctor was exiled to Earth and then everyone gets over it but Turlough still has to keep trying to kill the Doctor (which, let’s face it, is never going to work). It’s a good sily romp, in a non-The Sun meaning of the word.

Tegan and Turlough sort through Adric’s Doctor Who props to flog to the geekiest fans on E-Bay.
The second story is not as good, is set on a plague ship called Terminus and involves Nyssa getting a bit ill and removing some clothes for the dads and the lads, Liza Goddard playing a space pirate with massive hair and nothing piratey whatsoever, a giant dog with flashing eyes and a funny voice who does things with a disease like leprosy and Tegan and Turlough get stuck under some decking in Ealing for most of it. The Black Guardian does a bit of “kill the Dok-Torrr”ing again. At the end of the story Nyssa stays on the ship to help the ill people because she is nice and the producer decided that having three companions was too many, although he ignored this a mere two stories later when introducing another one (sort of, they ended up putting him in a cupboard for most of his stay). Also, Turlough ends up inheriting dead Adric’s bedroom on the Tardis which is a bit mean considering they have near-infinite space onboard.

The third story is called Enlightenment and is peculiar in a good way. Highlights include Leee (yes with three Es) John from 80s pop band Imagination playing a space pirate (more piratey than Liza Goddard is about the only compliment I can give) with TV’s Lynda Baron, a lot of non-blinking eternals led by TV’s Keith Barron (no relation) and another bloke who is fascinated by Tegan and gives her a lovely dress (with a bouffant wig for some reason), some corridors, some more corridors and lots of nice lighting which is frequently commented on in the disc’s commentary.

It’s mostly wigs and boobs.

I am not spoiling the ending by revealing that Turlough does not kill the Doctor, am I? Good. There are optional new CGI effects for these stories and a new edit of Enlightenment where they slice a bit off the top and bottom of the image to make it loook a bit more widescreen for no apparent reason.

These stories were on the telly when I was 10. Look at the pretty Target novelisation cover I bought at the time:

The VHS cover is a little better but they only ever had three photos to use as a Peter Davison reference and went a bit mad with the orange colouring pencils. The DVD covers are a work of art compared to these items even if they do have to use that shot of the Black Guardian again.

I almost forgot to mention this bit:

It wasn’t very good… but I definitely recommend this box set either for an old git like me who wishes to re-live their youth or just if you’re a fan of the series. Good mostly entertaining stories and the documentaries, commentaries etc are all up to the usual high standard.

I could have written about the appallingly useless Australian-born immigrant-baiter Amanda Platell’s ‘journalism’ ’skills’ in today’s latest grotty Daily Mail piece where she comes out with the following old guff…

… but instead I’ll link to Angry Mob who say what I would have said only far more eloquently, including the following facts:

Platell: The cost of unemployment in the UK is now £346 billion – with £100 billion of that paid in housing benefits alone.

Angry Mob: But what do you mean Amanda? Do you mean that each year we spend £346 billion on benefits? It certainly sounds that way, doesn’t it. Then you track down the source and find out that Amanda has removed a bit of important context to make the figure sound scarier: More than £340bn has been paid in state benefits to the jobless since Labour came to power in 1997, the Tories will disclose today. Oh, I see, so it is not a yearly figure at all, but a figure since 1997. This means that on average we have spent £28.3 billion on benefits each year in total, with around £8.3 billion of that on housing benefits – you know, that little thing of giving someone a roof over their head.

Makes me sad that my parents would have read this balls this morning and got all knicker-twisty. Or rather they would if they were not currently staying in their house in another country at the moment. Bloody foreigners going over there and taking all their houses and…er…

So, what’s been going on?

Well, I had a snotty cold which kept me awake at night making nasty green stuff…

How did that picture get there?

I went to a barbecue last weekend and a garden party on the weekend just gone. Mixing with humans two weekends in a row? With no major incidents of saying the wrong thing or an attempted adoption by someone looking for a gay best friend? Excellent! Makes up for the loneliness (and looniness) of the solo office work. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t miss the joys of dealing with the public or the more petty and childish aspects of my former colleagues (ooh bitchy. But true) but some days the only thing I say is “large white Americano please.” I say that only once (but I am not in a stage production of ‘Allo Allo), it’s not my catchphrase or anything.

Bill ‘Fables’ Willingham and Matthew ‘Jack of Fables’ Sturgess started writing Justice Society Of America, which was a bit odd:

Yes, I am weird.

I started watching Eastenders by accident and found it to be actually rather good. A well-written soap opera with character-driven plots (none of yer Hollyoaksy event-driven stuff), actors with chemistry, a whole episode devoted to just three characters the other day (which worked because of logical writing and more of that character-driven plotting which is the key to decent drama), a muslim family who don’t just do stories about being muslims and a non-tedious gay character. Its only faults were some of the ever-present absurd ugly blokes getting hot women into bed (never the other way around) and some tedious soap villainy but that’s what you get with yer soaps. Whatever next? Countdown? No. I leave that sort of thing to Jamie who has spent this evening watching a triple bill of Countdown, some new quiz presented by Alexander “Mr Smith, I need you!” Armstrong and Only Connect.

Normal service resumed: Marvel Divas, if judged by the cover, is a big chunk of camp cheese… or is it? Well I looked inside and found it to be not that bad. It stars Monica from Nextwave, Felicia ‘Black Cat’ Hardy, Patsy Walker and Angie aka Firestar, in a rather soap opera-ish Marvel (the clue’s in the title) adventure where they mostly do a lot of talking:

They also do ‘issues’ but it was a success to this reader:

I think I recommend this.

I also recommend the almost-here Lost Stories:

The Doctor and Peri finally get to go to Blackpool after that fun on Necros in a new series of audio nonsense (I use that word in the loving way, I am a massive fan) from Big Finish. I have subscibed to this so now have three bloody Doctor Who series on the go from them.

Also coming soon:

Dollhouse is coming back and if it maintains the form of the latter part of series 1 we are in for a treat.

Ed and Oucho’s Transmission Impossible has finished, leaving a cactinian gap in my weekend schedule but they are of making more Excellent Inventions episodes. They have also been turning up on other CBBC programmes as these clips show:

Oh yes.

And oh yes again.

I have run out of time and space so not going to do mini reviews of new albums by Theoretical Girl (beautiful music with an ugly cover. Very recommended and not just because she’s my friend Cheryl’s mate, honest), Erik Hassle (reasonable Swedish indiepop), or Calvin Harris (much better than I thought and good if you crave an early 90s dance music thing from the present. Or am I?

Some important comedy dates:

That Mitchell & Webb Sound series 4 starts next Tuesday 25th August on Radio 4 at 6:30 and is bound to be on that iPlayer thing and then the CD comes out in November which is well worth buying or asking an imaginary festive bearded man in red to buy you as a gift.

Peep Show series 6 starts on Channel 4 on Friday 18th September with the DVD scheduled for November.

Here’s Isy Sutie on location courtesy of Sam Bain’s Twit pics. With a handbag on her head.

I don’t just sit on my chair at work and eat, sit on my chair at home and eat, do exercise on the Wii Fit (badly) and read comics and listen to music and watch teevee, honest. Here’s some real world stuff to thrill precisely nobody:

Lovely!

Jamie had to go to Leicester to be available for the evil ex-employer of mine from 2001 to , erm, 2001 because they were evil when they needed someone from his company to do clever computery things for their web server on their one day tat bonanza so I took the opportunity to visit fellow geeknerds Chris and Kylie who happen to live there. They were lovely, the place was lovely, the shops were lovely and the pubs were lovely.

Abbaominable (no, not really)!

Jamie’s company had their Summer Fandango up in a posho hotel location in the midlands where we were surrounded by wedding parties as we arrived (damn the country club location and its attraction for flamboyant slightly-orange people doing the do and having a do) , found wasps to be a popular choice of nuisance along with drunk work wives who “always wanted a gay best friend” until they discarded me for not ticking any of the poofy boxes:

• Gay Pride? Too lazy but I live the life every bleedin’ day so hardly ashamed.
• Clubbing? Seals only, and unruly children on buses.
• Fashion? Yeah, right.
• Vanity? Have you seen my teeth / shiny baldie head /scruffy beard.
• Dancing? I am the anti-Nolans. Sorry.

It was a good hotel, we had a fun evening and fled from the Abba tribute act into the other bar where the bloody Kevin Shitting Bishop Show was on the big screen. Such a dilemma! Met lots of nice people we had met before and some good new ones too. The company has even employed some women now that they have gained the vote and are allowed to drive cars so I was not the only male work wife. All good and I look forward to the Christmas do. Can I be Santa Claus please?

School trippy!

We did the BBC Audience Studio Tours thing which was like being in an episode of Coach Trip but without Brendan. And no coach. The tour guides were very enthusiastic and great at their jobs so it was well worth it, even though I was too lazy to get involved in the ‘hilarious’ tasks like presenting a weather report in front of a dodgy chromakey screen circa 1972 Doctor Who (no Drashigs were harmed) or pressing noisy buttons, but we did get to go to the BBC Shop afterwards and pretend that we had not already been there 20 times before. I recommend it to all TV geeks. We then went to Fancy Westfield Shopping Hell just down the road where Jamie bought a nice coat. Glamour!

Quizzical!

Then it was off to the pub quiz at the Drayton Court as usual. We never win but there are about 15-20 teams and we do OK. Almost win the music round every time and did well with this week’s Hiphop (is it one word or two? and why do I care?) themed one. Yes, really. Hiphop is the best.

Barbie!

Pete had a barbecue in his Fancy London flat yesterday (I suppose it should be called an appartment but we are bloody English) but as it is on the top floor of the very big building somewhere in the Fancy Docklands area there is a big outdoors balcony so it didn’t burn down. I did vegeburgers in the oven because I am sensible. Jamie liked having a big meaty treat… Hmmm…

… and then today we went to Canvey Island where photography is banned for legal reasons. It was warm and we went to Pitsea where we found a pub that did average food that repeated on me all day, looked at super massive TVs and decided what number of inches would be best for us (it was 37) and I got given an excellent Davros bag full of Doctor Who Adventures tat from Other Mother. All good.

Back to work tomorrow.Bah.

I’m made of money but these exclusive special Doctors only available from Forbidden Planet online are a bloody rip-off so no thanks.

Messed-up crickety Baker is £14.99
Hartnell is £24.99 and comes with a Dalek you probably already own.
Troughton is £24.99 with a previously seen Tomby Cyberdude.
Pertwee is £24.99 and you get a Sea Devil or Dalek for him to do karate chops at.
Blue coat Baker is £14.99.

Nice but not that nice… and the website in question is the one where my credit card details were stolen.

Busy with working and resting and playing but the shitness of some of the stories in yesterday’s Mail could not go unmentioned:

Lady’s Bum! Oooh-er / sexy schoolgirl / paedos! / down with that sort of thing / Phwoooaaarr!

Lady’s big nose (actually nothing wrong with her nose at all) in nose job due to a ‘friend’ mocking it on Evil Facebook nonsense outrage! Was she middle class? What do you think?

A beauty queen spent thousands of pounds on plastic surgery to give herself a new nose after being bullied on the social networking site Facebook. Law graduate L**** R*****, 21, was horrified when a friend posted a message on her site saying: ‘With a nose that big you should wear a mask to cover it up.’ The stunning brunette, who has just completed her law degree at Cardiff University, immediately made an appointment with a cosmetic surgeon and drew £3,500 from her savings for the operation.

That’s exactly what I would have done if I were in her boots.

The Mail’s Femail section for its female readers loves a bit of girl power, doesn’t it?

Lady’s improbable coke-headed bingey tedium shouldn’t happen because she is MIDDLE CLASS shocker! I think the hokey cokey woman story needs a bit of analysing. Article snippets in italics as usual:

He fastened her safely in his silver BMW estate, but as he drove off down my quiet, leafy street, I launched myself on to the bonnet.

A silver BMW, you say? How jolly marvellous. In a quiet leafy street? How much is his house worth?

What they must understand is that if this addiction happened to me, it could happen to anyone.

No it couldn’t. What makes you so special?

Who knows how many of those taking coke are people like me? I was certainly never your ‘typical’ junkie material. I didn’t grow up on a sink estate or in foster care. My upbringing in the Cotswolds, while not perfect, was one many children would give their back teeth for.

Deluded snob.

We had everything – a boat in Torquay, an apartment in Tenerife, countless holidays and cruises. On my 17th birthday, I was given a white £10,000 Astra GT convertible when I hadn’t even passed my test.

Snobby show-off.

I attended Pate’s Grammar School in Cheltenham and did well, both academically and in sport. But below the surface, I was unhappy and felt I wasn’t good enough.

Stiff upper lip, dear. Also: show-off.

I was still unhappy at home. For my 18th birthday, I was given ten £1,000 cheques in front of my friends. Can you imagine my embarrassment? I was known as the spoilt little rich kid.

I wonder where your friends got that idea from?

I was entertaining clients at the Cartier International polo match when one of them offered me a wrap of what I thought was about £5 of speed. Quickly snorting the whole lot, I handed him back the empty wrapper.

Name-dropping snob. With massive tedious drug habit.

I earned around £60,000 a year before perks. The mortgage on my two-bedroom flat in Notting Hill, West London, was £900 a month and the rest went to my dealer. It was so socially acceptable.

Bravo! Have you not learnt the old chestnut about money not bringing happiness?

When I checked out of Clouds last July, I was terrified. My family took all money off me, so I couldn’t buy any hideously cheap booze from the supermarket.

Back to being a snob again, eh? And we are meant to care about your plight because…?

*sniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip!*

I do love a bit of telly and it’s good to share so…

Apart from lots of Ed & Oucho, I’m Sorry I’ve Got No Head and We Are Klang stuff as mentioned in the previous post I’ve also been enjoying the following flickering imagey things…

Hung is one of those HBO shows about flawed people which appear to be a bit similar to start with but then get quite good. See also all the things made by Showtime, especially the also currently on TV Weeds. This one stars The Actor Thomas Jane (who has been in a lot more than just Arrested Development) as a high school coach whose house burns down and becomes a high-class (ish) prostitute.

It’s not a sex farce though, as it has the obligatory sarky/sulky kids, annoying ex-wife, needy friend and awful neighbours. I like it and you might too.

Nurse Jackie (Showtime) has hit the good bit now where everything falls into place and it becomes a lot more than just ER but not shit. This week’s epiosde was directed by Paul Feig, which is great if you like that sort of thing.

Dollhouse had that odd epitaph epilogue thing that the Americans didn’t show on telly but it’s turned up in the UK and on the DVD and it’s really rather good.

Felicia Day is in it because she is a great excellent geek.

If you want a fun funny odd peculiar thing I recommend the just-finished Psychoville.

I’m not going to try and explain it without spoilers but oh yes etc etc.

This week I also accidentally watched a thing on ITV where Fern Britton and Julian Clary made a load of cock and bum jokes on a reconstruction of the Crossroads set and wheeled out some of the old cast so a studio audience could whoop at them, a bit of Emmerdale where Paul ‘Avon From Blake’s 7′ Darrow appeared to be in a different show of his own making while wooing Madge From Neighbours, a bit of Eastenders that featured a repressed homosexual getting engaged to a lady while his potential love interest who was a proper gay because he owns a vest got gay bashed after picking up Big Suze from Peep Show’s hunk of monk in the pub which made me think it was 1986 again, and The Street which was very good but bloody miserable. I also watched a bit of The Kevin Bishop Show to see how lazy and poor it was (very) and fell asleep to The Wire twice because nothing ever bloody blinking happens!

To snap me out of another of my random inexplicable glooms (I am not Kerry Katona, I only have the go-to-bed-and-be-mopey bit, not the act-like-a-kid-who-has-had-all-the-Skittles bit) I thought I would waffle on about the comedy connections in the things I have been mostly laughing at this week.

Warning! Contains a lot of CBBC!

We Are Klang’s TV series started this week on the home of comedy dross aka BBC Threeee. Surprisingly for 3 (I am not typing all them letters every time I mention a sodding number) I liked it and found it funny and did Laugh Out Louds. You might too:

The men who are Klang have been around for ages now as an act and in other things (most famously in The Inbetweeners) but to me they are (and might always will be to a certain degree) the men from Ed & Oucho. Saturday mornings (and Sundays which are not as good) won’t be the same after next week’s final episodes of Transmission Impossible … and not just because they have guest comedians doing freaky ad-lib characters on a starlingly good kids’ TV show:

It helps that Oucho is the best puppet to grace our screens since that Bandril in Timelash.

The Sunday Transmission Impossible has an episode of That Mitchell & Webb Look Without Mitchell or Webb In It aka I’m Sorry I’ve got No Head. The titular repeating sketch is actually one of the weaker ones but with a writing team that includes TMWL’s Bachman & Evans, Davies & Pell, and Hazeley & Morris them pesky kids sure are being spoilt. Compared to a ‘proper’ sketch show like the zero-titters Kevin Bishop Show (slagging it off without watching some of it would be quite Dailymaily plus it has Karen Gillan from Doctor Who 2010 in it) its, well, erm, actually funny…

It also features Marek from We Are Klang aka Cassanova and that scary wrestler from Ancient Greece who visited Ed & Oucho in their CBBC era.

Final comedy world overlap clip examples come from the times We Are Klang’s Greg Davies was Henry VIII (most excellent) and Guy Fawkes , proving that history can be both educational and bloody funny.


Lossoli, as ever.